My Gage wasn't there before me stood a stranger, a stranger with an unknown expression in his eyes for me. I'd never seen anything but love there before, except that one time, a night I wish I could erase from memory, the night he told me not to come home.
I felt renewed pain at the memory and the hated tears were back, seemed all I did anymore was cry. I had been riding on a high only two mere weeks ago, the world was my oyster, I had the fame and fortune most people would give their eye teeth for, there was so much to look forward to and now there was nothing.
I laid in the bed in tears after he’d left me, my father and brothers were here but I have no idea what was said, I didn't want to talk to anyone, only Gage always Gage.
Linda came by, saying nothing she’d kissed my brow that was Linda, never one to interfere unless invited. That simple gesture went a long way to easing the hurt in my heart. When I heard others approach I feigned sleep, I didn't want to see anyone.
I’d drifted in and out of sleep until some sound awakened me. It was Rex and Gage. He looked at me with those eyes again not saying anything for the longest time and then.
"Let's take a walk."
I felt equal parts trepidation and elation, any time spent with him was to be treasured, but what if he said the one thing that was sure to break me? We walked next to each other like strangers and I died a little more inside. Not even the comical antics of Rex frolicking in the grass could ease me. I was losing hope fast.
I asked him if he'd ever forgive and his answer, though not as bad as it could have been was still devastating. He laid bare all my sins against him, all that I had cost us. Hearing him speak the words made me wonder not for the first time, what had I been thinking? Who was that girl that had been so easily led? She wasn't the self-assured butterfly that had blossomed under Gages' unwavering love no she was the wilting wallflower she'd always been.
It was then I realized without him I 'Was' that girl, he gave me strength, the strength to be who I was when we were together, the strength to be a part of us, the two of us together. As he spoke with such uncertainty about our future I had an epiphany. I wouldn't lie down and die as though this wound was unto death, I would suture this wound until it healed like new, maybe with a tiny scar, but heal it I will, I just had to figure out how.
Time washes clean love's wounds unseen; isn’t it funny that that was a line from one of my favorite songs by Linda Ronstadt?
Chapter 26
"I have my fucking pride Suzette and you fucking trampled it into the ground on the side of the fucking street, and for what? A piece of shit actor who nobody's even heard of. I could give a fuck what they told you about me, that's just a bullshit excuse, fuck that, two people as close as we were, as in love as we were supposed to be do, not, do, that, fuckery to each other.” I didn't give a Fuck that I was scaring her at least I didn't have my hands wrapped around her fucking neck snapping it in two. The anger was back in full force, let her deal with it, we were going to have this shit out once and for all. I’ll be fucked if I’m going to do this shit over and over again. I needed to purge this pain from inside me before it ate me away like a fucking parasite. In that moment I hated her so fucking much it scared the shit out of me. I hated yet I loved, two sides to one coin, my fucking life was in a tailspin by someone else's design, someone else was controlling my moves, someone else had set this fuckery in motion, and I was the fucking court jester left to pick up the fucking pieces. Well since she had been so fucking stupid to get herself caught up in this shit the least she could do was bear my fucking wrath. I deserved that much.
"Do you realize that most of the free world now sees you as a home wrecking slut?"
She covered her mouth with her hands but the cry of agony still escaped.
"Yes Suzette you are Hollywood's slut of the week now you can be in a lineup with all those reality stars and heiresses in the news for whom you held such fucking disdain, funny thing is I don't remember any of them doing something as fucked up as you did, you fucking disgust me." I was done with this shit, fuck, I can't do this, I thought I could but I can't I don't know how, it would take a better man than me. I turned to head back to the house until an ear piercing scream stopped me in my tracks.
As I turned I saw a sight that left me cold, Suzette was pulling her hair with one hand, the other holding her chest as if to keep something in and the screaming was never ending. I reached for her as she crumbled to the ground in a crumpled heap. In her eyes was death my butterfly was gone. Back into her fucking head. Well fuck me sideways with a crowbar, what was I suppose to do now?
I ran back to the house as quickly as I could with her cradled in my arms, that awful screaming in my head. This is exactly what I didn't want. I couldn't bear to see her like this so broken, lost. It was tearing a fucking hole in my heart.
My dad must've heard her from inside because he met us at the door.
"What happened son is she hurt?" He eyed her as if looking for any visible injuries.
"Not physically no." I felt ashamed of myself, I had done this to her. Me the man who was suppose to love her above all else to put her first. Was my love so shallow that I could do this? Did it really die on the side of that street in LA? Who am I, what am I?
"What happened Gage?"
He tried taking her from me but I wouldn't let him I just kept walking to the room.
"We were talking I was talking, I yelled at her, said some pretty harsh stuff. I went to walk away and she just crumbled to the ground screaming, the most awful fucking sound I've ever heard."
She just kept breaking my fucking heart didn't she? Now the screaming was over only to be replaced by groaning. She moaned as she rocked herself back and forth in my arms. I finally laid her on the bed so dad could tend to her.
He started with the pulse shit and all that other fuckery I didn't have the first clue about.
What I did understand was the look on his face, he was not happy. Whatever join the fucking club. What did everyone want from me anyway?
I had hardly seen anyone since the meeting with James, which was fine by me. I wondered where the rest of them were now, if they'd heard her? But no one came to investigate.
I wanted her to stop making that noise I don't think human beings are supposed to sound like that. It was scaring the piss out of me.
"Come on Suzette please stop it." I climbed up on the bed and pulled her into me, trying for some reason to synchronize our breathing. I don't know what the fuck that was suppose to do but it seemed like a hell of an idea to me. Her heart was beating so fucking fast it reminded me of a humming bird's wings. Fast and furious.
"Please babe, please, please, please." I was fucking pleading, anything to make her stop, to bring her back from wherever the fuck she'd gone.
Dad injected her with something lucky for him I didn't see him or I would've laid his ass out my girl hates needles.
It was a long five minutes before the sedative kicked in and she calmed the fuck down. I couldn't stop kissing her forehead, and found myself humming her lullaby, the one I'd made up for her so long ago.
After my dad left locking the door behind him I held her close to my heart.
Obviously I needed to change my game plan, first things first, I needed to make a decision and quick unless I wanted this girl to completely lose her fucking mind. I had to decide whether or not I could forgive her if I could live with her again, put this whole fucking nightmare behind me and move the fuck on. My heart already knew what it wanted, but my head is hard as fuck.
I drew her even closer trying to give her my strength somehow still hearing that cry ringing in my ears. I pulled back, looking down at her beautiful face and broke the fuck down.
I cried for her, for me, for us, for what we had, what we'd lost, what could never be again, because no matter what the future held we would never be what we once were. I cried most of all for that. The end of something beyond wonderful.
"Gage."
I knew she wasn't awake
since I'd been staring at her for the last few minutes, once again she was calling for me in her fucking sleep.
"I'm here sweetheart, I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere."
Chapter 27
I awakened with her still in my arms with my first indrawn breath I tasted renewal. I now realized that I had been fooling myself all this time. I told myself I was tough, I had to be hard, that I didn't care what others thought, but the truth as it turns out is quite the opposite. I have been going on what others think; my manly pride and bruised ego had taken a hit.
I guess it took seeing my woman crumble like Siamese ash to bring me back to my fucking senses. I haven't the first fucking clue as to how to go about making us whole again, but I knew I was willing to try. I'm sure shit was going to be fucked up for a while yet, I'm a grudge holding motherfucker and though I'd shielded butterfly from the worst part of me I didn't think that was going to be possible any longer.
I promised myself while laying there that I would take dad's advice to heart, if I said the words I forgive you to her, then I would never hold this against her again. That meant I had to work on that forgiveness shit. Because let's face it it's going to take some time. I had a whole lot to think about now, not the least of which was what to do with that fuck Terry Poole.
I should just pay James to off him but I didn't want that shit on my conscience, plus the whole world was probably watching to see what I was going to do to his punk ass. It seemed like such a long time since that meeting, days instead of just a few hours, but so much had happened in the mean time. It had been one long ass motherfucker of a day.
My girl was clinging onto me in her sleep the way she usually did, her breathing finally evened out thank fuck. I wondered how those two fucks didn't send her over the edge with their lies with the way she was acting now; I wondered what was the best thing to do for her now. I'm sure for anyone else therapy would be an ideal, but fuck if I was going to some asshole to tell me his opinion on what the fuck I should do with my life, go live your own and leave mine the fuck alone is what I say, but that's just me. One thing was for sure we needed some serious motherfucking help. Fuck if I knew where to find it. Oh well, I'll think about it when I wake up, my ass was tired.
Something felt different there was, I don't know something settling. Until I remembered our walk. Panic threatened to consume me and I struggled my way out of sleep with a whimper.
"Sssh, I've got you, it's okay."
Gage, he was here, he hadn't left me, what had happened? Last thing I remember was him walking away from me and the searing pain that ripped through my body not just my heart, my whole being seemed to quake.
Was I dreaming? Was this a dream? If it is please don't let me wake up, it felt so good to be in his arms again. I felt warm tears fill my eyes. I missed him so much, missed us so much, how do I get us back? I knew I had a fight on my hands if only I knew where to begin.
"Please, please, please."
"Please what butterfly?" She started as if surprised she'd spoken out loud. I was looking down at her when she raised her tear filled eyes to me. Without thought I kissed her drenched eyes with trembling lips.
Her body shook and I thought she was having another one of those fucking attacks but she was just taking a deep breath.
I lifted her hand to my lips and for the first time noticed how dirty they were. Looks like my girl needed a bath.
I made to pull away but she grabbed on to me for dear life.
"I'm not leaving you Suzette I'm just going to run you a bath." I had to unclasp her hands from my shirt her hold was so tight.
Going into the en suite I ran the water as hot as she could stand it while scouring the cabinets for girly smelling shit. Not for nothing but my girl really needed a bath, and that hoodie needed to be cleaned yesterday. It kind of made me smile to know that she needed that little piece of me. Bitch Ass.
When the water was ready I went back to get her, she was laying in the same position. Poor thing didn't seem to be in any condition to do shit, so I undressed her myself without a peep from her. Well damn butterfly, had you eaten anything in the last week? Shit maybe dad ought to have a look at her, this couldn't be healthy, I could damn near count every bone in her body. What the fuck had she done to herself? No lie, I wanted to cry like a little bitch, just saying.
My girl was fucking skin and bones it was one thing to feel the weight loss through the bulky hoodie and sweats, but quite another to see it up close and personal, I was going to have to work on her body and her mind. Fuck how was I gonna do this shit? Well first things first a bath.
I picked her up and carried her into the bathroom laying her gently in the tub. She sunk like a lodestone, no strength whatsoever I didn't even stop to think, just shed my own clothes and got in behind her. I washed her body first saving her hair for last. All this time she hasn't said a word and her body is still somewhat tense, so I did the one thing I knew would soothe her. I sang; the words of Kenny Rogers through the years fell from my lips as I washed her.
I am officially the sappiest motherfucker on the planet but at least my girl had life in her eyes again.
Chapter 28
We stayed in the tub for a long long time, I think I emptied and refilled it three times. I washed her hair before making her stand in the shower to rinse, she was still so weak I had to prop her against my chest to hold her up while I took care of her. I hadn't quite thought this shit through because neither of us had any clean clothes, and whereas I could jump back in my cargo pants, her clothes were another story.
I found a robe for her and without stopping to think too much about it took her up the stairs to my private rooms. If we were going to do this we were going to need all the alone time we could get. I was sure my family was just being polite by leaving us alone for now but fuck knows how long that shit would last.
After sitting her on the lounger I sent off a rapid text to Tiffany asking her to get Suzette some stuff, she would know what to get, she'd dragged poor butterfly off shopping against her will more times than I can count. My sister is a clotheshorse just saying.
I needed to go see about some food but didn't want to leave her so I did the next best thing.
"Hey mom, could you do us a favor?"
"Gage when did you leave the house?"
"I didn't mom we're upstairs, I just don't want to leave Suzette right now, can you bring us up some food?" I looked over to make sure she was okay. She was picking at the edge of the robe with a far away look on her face. At least her fucking color was up a little.
"Gotcha son, I'll get right on it, soup and sandwiches okay?"
"Yeah that sounds good, thanks mom, love you."
"I love you too son." We hung up and I went back over to butterfly.
"Suzette, babe can you look at me?" She looked at me warily as if expecting me to knock her down or some shit, I hated the fuck out of that, I was supposed to be the protector not the thing she feared.
"Babe, we're going to have to talk about this... no don't tense up just hear me out." I had to think really hard about what I wanted to say I couldn't afford another fuck up.
"I've made a decision, but I want you to know that in order for us to get past this we're gonna need to talk about it, there's no other way. We need to be as honest with each other as possible, that's the only way this is gonna work, and you have to understand that I'm gonna get angry, it's only natural. Put yourself in my place, how would you react?"
"Are you going to leave me?"
I took a deep breath and released, this was probably the most important decision of my fucking life.
"No, I'm not leaving you." Fuck that felt great.
She seemed to relax after I told her I wasn't leaving. I have to admit it took a load off my mind as well. I'd been stressing like a motherfucker over this decision for damn near two weeks and when it came down to it, it was just a matter of admitting it out loud. I loved her still I wish none of this had happened, I wish our lives had played out
the way I'd always dreamt, but this is the hand we’d been dealt.
This would always be a part of us now, hopefully not the biggest part. Hopefully we could both move on.
This was going to cause a shit storm in the media, I didn't foresee any privacy for at least the rest of the fucking year, but before any of that could happen there was still a little matter of revenge. Just because I'd forgiven her didn't mean those two fucks were off the hook. I had no doubt James would have what we needed in a few days they didn't call him the hunter for nothing. He got the job done.
After that was taken care of then we could rebuild our lives I would never be able to move the fuck on if they didn't pay for their part in this.
There was no room for small talk so I just jumped right in.
"So you said they lied and told you I was having an affair was there anything else going on?"
She shook her head in the negative if this shit was going to work she was going to have to open up.
I was barely holding on to my temper as it is just thinking about this fuckery made me see red, but it was a necessary evil and she had to see that or we were lost.
I understood her hesitancy, after all when the smoke cleared she did look guilty as fuck. And there was something that had been bothering the fuck out of me.
"What were you thinking that day in those pictures?" She fidgeted uncomfortably, before looking in my general direction.
"I don't know."
"That's not an answer Suzette, What, Were, You, Thinking?"
"I don't know okay, I can't think, it hurts to think about it."
"Yeah? Well it fucking hurt to look at it, you wanna know which one hurt most? Not the one in the car where it looks like he's going down on you, no, the one that gets me in the guts every fucking time is the one of you glancing back over your shoulder at him with your hands holding his while he's nuzzling your fucking neck." I was shouting by the time the last word left my mouth and of course she was in tears again.
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