Nickels

by Karen Baney

  “I tried to adjust, even though I was sure the instruments were wrong. But, I was too late. The rotor blade scraped against the side of the cliff. Once that happened, no amount of skill could save us.

  “As the helicopter crashed to the ground, I remember thinking that this was it. And I wasn’t even scared. I should have been, because my eternal life was not sealed. And I knew it. But even then, I didn’t care.

  “Then, several weeks later, I woke up in the hospital. I couldn’t move. They had me immobilized because I had two surgeries on my back. When I first woke up, they told me I would probably never walk again. At first, they wouldn’t tell me what happened or that everyone else was dead. When they did, I could only think about two things: I killed them and I would suffer penance by never walking again.”

  Brenda and Marcy were in tears. Rick sat stiffly in his chair looking down at his plate. Chad looked in Kyle’s direction listening to every word. Niki looked down at her plate, pushing food around. She was starting to regret pushing him to tell this story.

  “Then one day this man came to visit me. He sounded like an older gentleman, but I couldn’t really tell. I was still immobile and could only stare at the ceiling. He never came close enough to my bed for me to see his face. But, his voice was kind.

  “He asked me how I was doing. I wasn’t in much of a mood to talk. Self-pity has a way of muting you. So he talked to me. He told me that it wasn’t my fault. I guess he must have found out about the accident, because he seemed to know a lot of the details. Anyway, day after day he came to see me. Each day, when he first arrived, he told me it wasn’t my fault and he said it again before he left.

  “He asked me if I had been afraid of dying. At first I told him no. But later, I told him the truth. I was afraid. I was more afraid because I knew about God, but never felt I needed him—that when the helicopter went down, I had no assurance of my future. I told him I didn’t think I could do this on my own—go through rehab, get past killing my friends. He told me I didn’t have to be on my own anymore.

  “Then, one day he stopped coming. I missed the conversations. I had looked forward to them every day. When he stopped coming, I asked about him. But the nurses said no one had been to visit me. I told them they were wrong—that I talked to an old man day after day. I thought he might have been the chaplain. So I asked them to send for the chaplain.

  “When he arrived, he was a young man about my own age, maybe even younger. And his voice wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the old man.

  “But, I talked to the chaplain anyway. I told him everything. I told him I didn’t want to do things my own way anymore. That I was tired of running. So, he led me in a prayer—the prayer that changed my life. I asked Jesus to forgive me—for my sins, for killing my friends, for ignoring him all those years, for hurting so many people.

  “And he did. He came into my heart. He brought his peace with him. He changed me.

  “Don’t you see, Niki, I didn’t change. Jesus changed me from being a jerk to being different as you said. He was everything I had been looking for.”

  The words smacked her in the face. Those were Jack’s words.

  Chapter 25

  “What did you say?” Niki asked angrily.

  “In Jesus, I found everything I had always been looking for.”

  She pushed back from the table. She had to get out of here. She had to get away from him. How could he know what Jack said? What game was he playing with her?

  “Marcy, please take me home.”

  “I can’t,” Marcy whispered. “Chad and I are due at his parents soon.”

  “I’ll take you,” Kyle said.

  She felt cornered. Nowhere to run. She would have to rely on him to get her home. See—this is why she always drove separate.

  “Son,” Rick said. “You don’t have to do that.”

  In that moment she realized that she’d hurt both Rick and Brenda by forcing Kyle to tell all.

  “It’s fine, Dad. I brought her, I can take her home.”

  Niki wasn’t going to let this linger any longer. She needed out. Now!

  She walked to the front door and yanked it open. She hurried to Kyle’s truck. She glanced back at the open door of the house and saw Brenda and Rick speaking softly to Kyle. She couldn’t hear the words. She didn’t care. She just wanted to go home.

  “Just pray for her,” she heard Kyle say. Then he hugged his mom and walked to the truck.

  The second he disarmed it, she jerked the door open and climbed in. She put her seat belt on then crossed her arms. When he got in and started the truck, she looked out the window.

  How could he have known what Jack wrote? She never even shared the letters with Marcy. No one knew those words. No one.

  But, those were Jack’s exact words. She read those letters enough to have them memorized. There was no way Kyle could have known about that.

  He reached over and touched her arm.

  “Niki,” he said softly.

  She slapped his hand away. “Don’t touch me.”

  “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

  “Shut up, Kyle. I think you’ve done enough. Just take me home.”

  She wanted to stay angry, but the tears threatened. Her carefully constructed wall was tumbling down and she didn’t even know why.

  Her life was lame. All she did was work. Work, work, work. Work to chase away the loneliness. Work to dull the grief sheltered just under the surface of her fragile heart.

  She was sick of it—her miserable life. She wanted a change.

  Jesus changed me.

  Her anger faded some. Goodness, if He could change Kyle, surely He could help her. She wasn’t nearly the mess that he was.

  Slowly, her anger melted into sorrow and regret. The miles of freeway seemed to last forever. She just needed to hold herself together long enough to make it home. But, it became more difficult the further they drove.

  As he pulled off the freeway, Niki could not keep silent any longer. She couldn’t face being alone right now. Instead, she summoned her anger again and focused it back on him. “How did you know that was what Jack said?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You said that Jesus was everything you had been looking for. What game are you playing with me, Kyle?”

  “I’m not playing any games with you,” he answered as he pulled into her driveway.

  “Those were Jack’s words. How could you know that?”

  The moment he put the truck into park, Niki launched out the door, running to her front door. The tears poured down her face, making it impossible to see to unlock that stupid security door. Her hands shook and she dropped her keys. She sank down to the hot cement of the patio, bawling. Years of anguish broke forth.

  Kyle came to her side. He picked up the keys and unlocked both doors. Then he helped her stand. As soon as they were in the house, she turned on him again.

  “Those were Jack’s words.” She accused him again.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t understand what Jack has to do with this.”

  She grabbed his hand and dragged him back to her room. Just inside the door, she dropped his hand and went to her desk. She pulled out the stack of letters. Flipping to the last one, she gently removed it from the envelope.

  She slowly unfolded the last words from her brother. “Those were Jack’s words,” she said again, between sobs. She thrust the letter toward Kyle. As he took it, she sunk onto her bed.

  “Niki, I can’t read this.”

  “Just read.”

  She watched him to make sure he read the whole thing. When he finished, he dropped his arm to his side.

  “I’ve never seen this. I don’t know why you think I used Jack’s words.”

  “You said the exact same thing.”

  His face lightened, as if he understood a secret, but he said nothing. Instead, he leaned against the footboard of her bed, silent.

  She swiped a pillow from her bed and hugged it close. Kicking off
her sandals, she pulled her legs onto the bed. She crossed them, covering them with the long skirt of her yellow sun dress, a dress that seemed way too bright for the darkness swallowing her heart.

  “I want to change,” she whispered. “I don’t want to feel empty any more. I’m tired of being alone.” Her voice caught on a sob.

  Kyle moved to sit next to her. He put his arm around her shoulders and hugged her close to his side. “You don’t have to be alone.” His voice was soft, full of compassion. “You can let Jesus change you. If he can change me, he can change you.”

  “How?”

  He was silent for a minute. He closed his eyes. “Let me pray with you.”

  When she nodded, he prayed. Niki wasn’t sure she really heard the words. But her heart cried out. Change me, Jesus. Please change me! I can’t live this way anymore. I need you. I am broken. I have been wrong. I need you.

  The sobs turned to soft tears as an amazing presence filled the room. She almost felt like if she opened her eyes, she would actually see Jesus standing there. She didn’t feel empty anymore. She finally understood what Jack was trying to tell her all along. She had always been looking for something, even though she didn’t know what it was. But now that she had it—Jesus—she knew she had been missing Him.

  She released her hold on the pillow and set it aside. As she opened her eyes, she smiled, the last of her anger and resentment disappearing. Kyle turned her face towards him. He brushed the tears from her cheeks with his thumb.

  “You okay?”

  She nodded.

  “I’m going to get you some water. Why don’t you take a minute then come out to the kitchen?”

  She nodded again.

  He squeezed her shoulders in a side hug before standing.

  When he left her room, she went into her bathroom and washed her face. Staring at her reflection, she looked different somehow. Is that how it worked?

  As she walked down the hall towards the great room, she heard Kyle on the phone.

  “She’s okay, Mom. Better than okay.”

  After a pause, “I’m fine, Mom.”

  Another pause.

  “Yes, it was hard, but necessary.”

  Pause.

  “No, I’m going home shortly.” He sounded drained and sad.

  A pang of guilt stabbed Niki. She really hadn’t meant to hurt him. It must have been hard remembering the accident and his part in it.

  As she stepped into the kitchen, Kyle hung up. Then he handed her some water.

  “How mad are your parents?” She ventured as she took the water.

  “They’re not. They’re just happy that you’ve come around.” Though he smiled, it looked strained.

  She wanted to ask how mad he was, but the words stuck in her throat as the silence stretched.

  “I called Matt. He’s going to come over and hang out with you this evening. He can answer the questions that I’m sure you’ll have.”

  “Why can’t you answer them?”

  “I’m going home.”

  “Why?” she asked. She wanted him to stay.

  He sighed and looked away. “I’m tired.” He walked towards the door.

  “Kyle,” she said, touching his arm. He stiffened. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I called you out at lunch. I’m sorry I—”

  “Don’t worry about it.” He pulled her into a hug then kissed her forehead. “It just took a lot out of me.”

  He flashed a half-smile, before leaving, giving her hope that he might not be angry too long.

  “Bye,” she said closing the door behind him.

  A half hour later, Matt showed up, bearing gifts.

  “Pizza,” he said holding up one hand, “for hungry bellies. And this,” he said handing her a gift bag, “for hungry souls.”

  As Matt walked to the counter to set down the pizza, Niki opened the gift bag. “You got me a Bible?”

  He smiled. “Kyle said he didn’t think you had one.”

  She turned it over in her hands. “I didn’t.”

  Setting the gift on the counter, she retrieved some paper plates from the cupboard. Handing one to Matt, she asked, “So, how does this work? I mean, what do I do now?” She filled her plate with a few slices before taking a seat at the table.

  Matt added a few slices to his plate and sat across from her. As she munched on her pizza, he shared things he found helpful, especially in the early days right after he accepted Christ. She soaked up everything, taking to heart his advice.

  Shortly after he left, the sound of a key in the front door lock sent Niki’s heart to her throat. That would be Marcy.

  As her friend opened the door, Niki tried to figure out how to make amends. Not only had she pushed Kyle, but she ruined the dinner that should have been a celebration of Marcy’s engagement. Some friend she was.

  “I’m so sorry that I ruined your big announcement,” she said as Marcy dropped her purse on the kitchen counter.

  Marcy sat on one of the stools, sipping her diet soda. “It’s okay. We got to make the announcement before… Well, all of that.”

  Niki finished putting away the leftovers and tossed the pizza box in the recycle bin. “So, have you and Chad set a date?”

  “We talked about early December. That gives us almost five months to arrange everything.” Marcy sighed, a contented sigh. “I can hardly wait.”

  Niki smiled. “I am so happy for you. You two seem good together.”

  “I’m just lucky you are such a good friend—that you gave him my number.”

  “Guess I ended up being the match maker.”

  Turning more serious, she asked, “Do you think Kyle is mad at me for this afternoon?”

  Marcy’s eyes looked distant when she responded. “That was a very painful experience for him. In the accident, he lost friends, his career, and his dream job. He nearly lost his ability to walk. But, what he gained outweighs it all.

  “I’m sure telling his story brought some of that pain to the surface again. But, I don’t think he’s mad at you. He cares about you too much. And look at the wonderful thing that came from it.”

  Marcy stood. Facing Niki, she gently placed her hands on her shoulders. “Niki, I have wanted this for you for so long.” Tears rolled down her friend’s face as she pulled her into a warm embrace.

  Niki felt her own cheeks moisten. “Thanks for not giving up on me.”

  “What are friends for?”

  She smiled. It was going to hurt to lose Marcy as a roommate.

  “One last favor,” Marcy said. “Will you be my maid of honor?”

  Niki squealed and hugged Marcy again. “Yes!”

  Kyle drove home with the radio off. It had been hard enough to face the anniversary of the crash. But to relive it by telling his story?

  The stress of the afternoon settled into his lower back. His muscles tightened into a painful spasm as he pulled into his parking space outside his townhome. Sharp pain shot from his surgery site to his toes.

  Awkwardly he made his way inside his townhome. He headed straight for the counter and downed a pain pill without any water. Resting his palms flat on the counter, he took in a sharp breath.

  When the pain dulled some, he eyed the stairs. No way was he going to try those right now. He walked over to the couch and eased himself down on it, kicking off his shoes.

  As he rested his head against the throw pillow, he let the tears fall. Echoes from the accident bounced in his mind. The grief was too much. Old voices accused him again of killing Brad and his team.

  Then Niki’s face flashed before his eyes. Sweet Niki.

  If his heart wasn’t so completely overwhelmed with sorrow, he would be dancing. She believed. There was nothing stopping him from pursuing a relationship with her. He should be rejoicing.

  Instead, as the medicine made him drowsy, he fell asleep to images of the accident.

  Chapter 26

  On Tuesday, Brian called and asked Niki to head over to Elite’s office at ten. He wanted her in the
second interview with Joe. He also said he had something really important to discuss with her, which normally would have piqued her interest—but not today. She was too distracted to give it further thought.

  As soon as her status meeting finished, she drove to Elite’s office. She couldn’t shake her fear that something was wrong with Kyle. He missed work yesterday and it looked like he wasn’t going to be in today. She felt like it was her fault. Maybe if she hadn’t pushed him so hard on Sunday…

  It didn’t matter. The most she could do was apologize the next time she saw him.

  When she arrived at Elite’s office, she parked near the front. Then she entered the building and headed straight for Brian’s office.

  “Hey, boss,” she greeted, knocking on his door.

  “Come in. Close the door behind you.”

  Niki swallowed. This sounded serious. Trying to lighten the mood, she asked, “What did you think of Joe?”

  “We’re going to make an offer. The kid has talent.”

  She smiled. Everyone younger than Brian was a kid—including her.

  “So, why the second interview?”

  “Don’t want word to get out that he’s the only one who didn’t come in for a second. Anyway, I thought you could give him some background on Global Axis Systems. That will be his first assignment.”

  “Me? Why not Nate? He’s been there much more recently.”

  “Yeah, well…” Brian stalled—something way out of character for him. A soft knock sounded on the door before she could ask what he was hiding.

  “Your interview is here,” the receptionist stated.

  Brian thanked her and told her he’d be out in a minute.

  “Niki, they are really pressing to get you back.”

  She was confused for a minute. “Who? Global?”

  At Brian’s nod, she continued, “We’ve been over this. I’m right in the middle of the project at Helitronics. I’ve got everything going smoothly now. They’re happy. I’m happy.”

  “I know. I hear great things from Russell about the work you’re doing. But, Global is really serious. They want you. They are launching a new project in a few weeks and they want you as lead. They’re nervous that I’m sending them a newbie analyst. They would feel more comfortable if you were there.”