The Lich

by Adventure Time

  Finn jumped onto the Lich’s face and attacked him with the handmade pink knitwear. The Lich laughed demonically and swayed back and forth. Then with one final tug, Finn used the sweater to pull the Lich’s skull apart. The ancient evil crumbled into a pile of bones that then vanished in a puff.

  Finn fell to the floor, the sweater covering his back like a blanket.

  ‘Finn!’ Jake cried, concerned. ‘Buddy!’

  Jake slapped his best friend’s face until Finn responded.

  ‘Jake?’ Finn asked groggily. ‘Jake!’

  ‘Oh, Finn,’ gushed Princess Bubblegum. ‘You did it!’

  ‘We did?’ the Ice King wondered aloud. ‘Hey, yeah, we did it! Oh, you guys, this experience has brought us all so much closer together.’

  In the spirit of the moment, he turned to his love and said, ‘Princess, I’m sorry for all of this. I love you, and I’ve decided to set you free.’

  With a magical wave of his hand, the ice blocks that held Princess Bubblegum’s hands and feet melted away.

  ‘Go free!’ the Ice King cried.

  He let go of the princess and she dropped out of his arms and into the Lich’s well of evil.

  ‘Uh…oops!’ the Ice King mumbled. ‘I’ve got the dropsies!’

  Finn looked on in horror. Just when it had looked like he had reached the heights of hero-dom – defeating an ancient bad guy and stopping the Lich from destroying all of Ooo – all seemed lost. Now it looked like all his hopes and dreams had been dashed. The like-a-lot of his life was drowning in the Lich’s Well of Power. The Land of Ooo just wouldn’t be the same without Princess Bubblegum around, and neither would her devoted hero, Finn.

  After Finn and Jake rescued Princess Bubblegum, they rushed her to the Candy Hospital, where Dr. Ice Cream and Nurse Poundcake tried desperately to stabilise her condition as she was rolled into the ER on a stretcher.

  ‘What’s her condition, Dr. Ice Cream?’ Nurse Poundcake asked nervously.

  ‘She’s totally gross over 90 percent of her body,’ Dr. Ice Cream reported. ‘The other 10 percent is crazy nasty.’

  ‘Will she make it, doctor?’ asked Nurse Poundcake.

  ‘I don’t know, Nurse Poundcake,’ Dr. Ice Cream replied honestly.

  Finn, Jake, the Ice King and the medical staff wheeled the stretcher into the operating room. The pretty pink princess now looked like a blob of featureless purple goo.

  ‘Put sugar on her – two scoops!’ Dr. Ice Cream ordered.

  Then, suddenly, the steady beep on the monitor stopped and the green line went flat.

  ‘We’re losing her!’ the doctor shouted.

  ‘No!’ the Ice King wailed. ‘Not my number one! Princess, if you die on me, I will never forgive you! I’ll be lost, lost in my own emotional labyrinth….’

  Finn couldn’t take it anymore. The Ice King was responsible for Bubblegum’s condition! What was he talking about?

  Finn jumped across the room and slammed his fist into the Ice King’s pointed nose.

  ‘Wait, Finn,’ Dr. Ice Cream called to him. ‘Her sugar levels are stabilising.’

  Finn rushed over to the stretcher. The purple goo began to melt and transform into the long pink hair Finn remembered. Princess Bubblegum was starting to look like herself again! Finn, Jake and all the candy citizens in the room cheered wildly.

  ‘Yes, I’m fine,’ Bubblegum whispered in a frail voice. ‘I just need to rest.’

  While everyone else smiled and high-fived each other, the Ice King sat on the floor, weeping frosty tears.

  ‘My wife,’ he sobbed. ‘Is there anything weird about her? I can’t see through these tears.’

  ‘She’s fine,’ said Dr. Ice Cream. ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s just that, after Princess fell into the well, I saw something strange happen, something I still don’t understand,’ explained the Ice King.

  Before the Ice King could finish his tale, Finn’s sword came flying through the room and landed next to the sobbing king.

  ‘Wait!’ the Ice King cried. ‘Listen to me!’

  ‘No!’ Finn shouted back at him. ‘Just shut your face, old man!’

  ‘Old man?’ the Ice King repeated disbelievingly. ‘What? I’m not old!’

  ‘Uh, yeah, you are, dude,’ Jake replied.

  The candy citizens all called out their agreement with Jake’s statement.

  ‘Old?’ said the Ice King again, hanging his head. ‘I’m…I see. It’s all making sense now. I’m going, Princess.’

  ‘JUST GET OUT OF HERE!’ Finn yelled.

  The king gave everyone in the room the peace sign and then flew out through the window. Finn turned back to the stretcher.

  ‘Sorry about that, Peebles,’ he apologised to the princess.

  ‘The Ice Wizard is a weak fool,’ Bubblegum replied in a strange monotonous drone.

  ‘Huh?’ said Jake.

  Just then, Raggedy Princess came running over with a green sack hanging from her head.

  ‘Finn! The other princess and I made you a new backpack!’ she said.

  ‘Whoa! Raggedy Princess, it’s so awesome!’ Finn replied gratefully. ‘Thank you.’

  Jake reached across the stretcher and tucked in Princess Bubblegum’s blanket.

  ‘You look like sick, grey meat,’ Jake said. ‘But we’re going to jack you up so awesome.’

  Princess Bubblegum just stared blankly into space.

  ‘We should wheel her to her bedroom, right?’ Finn suggested.

  ‘Yeah, man,’ Jake agreed. ‘And then we’ll do magic tricks.’

  When Finn and Jake got through decorating Princess Bubblegum’s room, it looked like it had been touched with more than just a magic wand. The whole room had been transformed into a floral festival.

  ‘Princess…Princess…,’ Finn and Jake called to their sleeping friend.

  Princess Bubblegum blinked her eyes.

  ‘Surprise!’ the two adventurers cheered. ‘We picked every flower in the candy kingdom just for you! Woo hoo!’

  The princess didn’t reply.

  ‘Princess Bubblegum?’ Finn called softly.

  The princess opened her mouth and croaked in a voice as deep as a bullfrog’s. Then her torso slammed forward on the bed and she swayed like a cobra eyeing its prey.

  ‘Oh, gee!’ cried Jake, hiding behind Finn. ‘What’s wrong with Princess Bubblegum?’

  ‘Quiet, dude,’ Finn whispered to his pal. ‘We’re supposed to take care of her, not make her feel bad.’

  ‘I know, man,’ answered Jake. ‘But she just seems…weird.’

  ‘She’s just messed up from the accident,’ Finn explained. ‘We just have to take care of her until she feels better.’

  When the best buddies turned around, though, Princess Bubblegum was no longer in her bed. They heard a crash come from the bathroom and ran in to find the princess on the floor, pulling things off the shelves of a cabinet.

  ‘Princess!’ Finn called. ‘Princess, no! You shouldn’t be out of bed!’

  Finn picked up Princess Bubblegum in his arms and carried her back to bed. He looked into her eyes, but they didn’t look like the eyes of his friend. They still stared blankly into space.

  ‘Princess, I have to tell you something,’ Finn said.

  Before Finn continued, he looked at Jake and nodded toward the bedroom door.

  ‘Oh, gotcha,’ Jake said, understanding Finn’s need for privacy. ‘I’ll go get some tea.’ Jake then stepped out of the room.

  ‘Princess, the sweater you made me kept me safe,’ Finn said to the princess. ‘I almost got super messed up, but it saved me. And I wanted to say thank you for imbuing this sweater with the power of liking someone a lot, cause…I like you a lot.’

  Finn’s cheeks turned bright red as he finally confessed his like out loud. ‘We shouldn’t talk about this now,’ he added. ‘You should rest.’

  ‘Finn, I need you to get me some things,’ Princess Bubblegum replied weakly.

  ‘Yes, Prin
cess,’ answered Finn.

  While Princess Bubblegum whispered her request into Finn’s ear, Jake came back into the room with Peppermint Butler. To the candy servant, the princess’s whispers sounded like demonic chanting. Peppermint Butler dropped his tea tray on the floor and hissed like a cat.

  ‘Whoa!’ Jake said as he put his paw on Peppermint Butler’s head.

  Jake started to tremble as he watched Peppermint Butler race from the room.

  ‘Something weird’s going on,’ he said, scared.

  ‘Jake!’ Finn shouted. ‘I’m going to get some stuff for PB! Be right back!’

  The last place in Ooo Jake wanted to be at that moment was stuck in the flower-filled room alone with the strange-acting princess.

  ‘Hey, princess. Sorry you’re not feeling good,’ he said nervously. ‘Oh, I’ll sing you a song. You love it when I sing songs.’

  Jake strapped on a karaoke speaker and microphone and morphed his belly into bongo drums. He began to tap a beat and sing a song about Princess Bubblegum.

  The princess did not look as if she was loving Jake’s song-and-dance number. In fact, her facial expression hinted that watching Jake’s act was more like pure torture to her. Princess Bubblegum gripped the blankets tightly in her fists and snarled. When she let go of the blanket and reached out, the flowers she touched instantly withered and died. Then all the flowers in the room died, too.

  Jake watched in fear as the princess’s body contorted into all sorts of weird positions. She spewed an unknown language at Jake, spit flying from her mouth and her voice sounding like nothing he had ever heard before.

  ‘Uh, this song’s not that good,’ Jake admitted. ‘It’s a bad one. I’m stopping.’

  Princess Bubblegum blathered some unintelligible babble at Jake.

  ‘And starting a new song!’ Jake announced, hoping this would calm her.

  Jake pounded his belly bongos while the princess rocked and raged on her bed, which was bouncing like a basketball being dribbled down the court. Suddenly, the room burst into flames. Jake backed up, only to find himself in the arms of a scorched, melting princess.

  ‘Jake,’ Princess Bubblegum groaned.

  Jake ran from the room in a panic.

  ‘Oh my gob…oh my gob…oh my gob!’ Jake shouted, sweat pouring down his fur. ‘Maybe the toxic waste did something to her brain. Maybe it made her have demon powers – or something!’

  Finn came running down the hallway, his arms full of the supplies the princess had requested. Jake stretched out his arms and grabbed his best buddy by the backpack.

  ‘Wait!’ he called to Finn. ‘What’s all that biz?’

  ‘Uh…bleach, lighter fluid, ammonia, gasoline,’ Finn replied. ‘I don’t know, lady stuff. Plutonium…’

  ‘No, man,’ Jake gasped. ‘No, no, no, no!’

  The bedroom door opened, and Princess Bubblegum ambled into the room, looking nothing like the scorched princess Jake had seen just a few seconds earlier. She lifted the supplies from Finn’s arms and muttered a quick, ‘Thanks.’ Then she returned to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

  ‘No probs!’ Finn said cheerfully.

  ‘Hold on!’ Jake pleaded. ‘PB’s bed was ON FIRE!’

  ‘What?’ Finn roared. ‘Is she okay?’

  ‘She made it on fire,’ Jake whispered.

  ‘With a match?’ Finn asked.

  ‘No man. With her brain, I think,’ Jake wimpered. ‘Look, man. I’ll show you!’

  Jake led Finn to Princess Bubblegum’s room. He carefully turned the golden latch on the door and pried it open. It was dark inside, and the princess was not in her bed.

  ‘P…P…Princess?’ Jake called.

  ‘Over there!’ Finn said. He pointed to a dark shadow slipping out from the bottom of the bathroom door. Finn and Jake tiptoed across the bedroom, and then stopped and knocked on the bathroom door.

  ‘PB? You in there?’ asked Finn.

  ‘I’m busy!’ a voice that sounded nothing like Princess Bubblegum replied.

  ‘See! It’s fine,’ Finn said to Jake. ‘She’s just having private time.’

  ‘I’m looking in!’ Jake said, trying to be brave.

  Jake peered in through the keyhole. What he saw was so unbelievable, he knew that Finn had to take a look for himself, or he would never realise the truth about what had really happened to Princess Bubblegum when she fell into the Well of Power.

  The view inside Princess Bubblegum’s bathroom was indeed shocking. The princess no longer appeared to be her candy self but a full-fledged demon. She used her long, black tentacle-like arms to pour the supplies Finn had brought her into her bathtub.

  ‘Hold on!’ Finn yelled while kicking open the bathroom door. ‘Princess!’

  As the demonic version of Princess Bubblegum gulped up the liquid in the tub, she grew and grew until her ghastly body filled the room. Then, with enormous strength, she pulled the bathtub off the floor and tilted it toward her mouth, sending all of the concoction she had made streaming into her mouth.

  ‘Put down the tub!’ Finn ordered.

  Princess Bubblegum obeyed. She slammed the tub onto the floor and then, with a swat of her hand, sent Finn and Jake flying through the bathroom wall. The Ice King waited on the other side.

  The monstrous princess punched through the room’s ceiling and right through the castle roof. She stormed out of the castle, crumbling its walls, and lumbered through the streets of the Candy Kingdom.

  ‘Evil presence detected,’ warned the Gumball Guardian. ‘Must defend!’

  Evil Princess Bubblegum wrestled the Candy Kingdom’s loyal guardian in a battle of mammoth proportions.

  Back in the castle, the Ice King tapped Finn, who had been knocked unconscious.

  ‘Hey, Finn, are you dead or what?’ the Ice King asked.

  ‘Wh…what?’ Finn rasped. ‘Ice King? What are you doing here?’

  ‘Hey, I had to keep an eye on the princess because she’s being possessed by the Lich,’ the king informed Finn.

  ‘You don’t know that!’ Finn protested.

  ‘But I do,’ the Ice King said. ‘I saw it with my wizard eyes. In the well, I saw something come out of the Lich and go into the princess, but I wasn’t sure it was real, because when you have stanky old wizard eyes, sometimes you see things that are real, and other times it’s like CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY in your face all the time!’ He stopped to take a deep breath.

  ‘Guys, let me help you,’ the Ice King begged. ‘I don’t want my future wife to be…physically unattractive.’

  ‘Listen, you old poot. I’m not going to let you kill her twice,’ yelled Finn. ‘Get stuffed!’

  Finn hopped onto Jake’s back, and they leapt out of one of the new holes in the castle wall.

  ‘We’re coming, Princess!’ Finn called.

  ‘Dude, I think we should let the Ice King help,’ Jake suggested. ‘He could freeze her, which could buy us some time.’

  ‘Dump that mess!’ Finn replied. ‘I’m going to set her free with my like-like sweater!’

  Finn waved the pink sweater in the air as Jake galloped toward the princess. Then Jake lifted his hind legs and catapulted his friend Finn in her direction.

  ‘Do it!’ he shouted.

  ‘I LIKE YOU, PRINCESS!’ Finn cried as he sailed through the air.

  It looked like Finn’s like was unrequited because the princess met it with a punch to the face that sent Finn flying in the other direction. He landed back in the castle and slammed into the wall near the Ice King, the pink sweater falling to the floor on impact.

  ‘Liking her didn’t work,’ Finn realised. ‘She’s unstoppable. Unless….’

  Finn needed to come up with a plan quickly. At the moment, his fellow adventurer, Jake, was getting tossed around by the princess. Princess Bubblegum was stomping on the magical pooch as if she were crushing grapes into wine. Or grape juice. Or even grape jam.

  ‘Gah,’ huffed Finn. ‘Ice King, I…I need you to freeze P
rincess Bubblegum. Will you help me?’

  ‘Are you sure?’ the Ice King asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Finn admitted reluctantly.

  ‘Great!’ cheered the king. ‘Whee!’

  The Ice King grabbed Finn by the arm and dragged him out of the castle. They soared over the Candy Kingdom, hand in hand.

  ‘I’ll distract her up top, you freeze her legs,’ said Jake to his new partner in princess rescuing.

  The Ice King tossed Finn toward the weirded-out princess.

  ‘I’m a cat!’ Finn cried. ‘I’m an agile cat!’

  Princess Bubblegum was stretching Jake’s neck like toffee between her hands.

  ‘Jake! Duck!’ called Finn.

  Jake immediately got small and dropped from the princess’s hands. Finn landed on a lock of Princess Bubblegum’s hair and used it like a bungee cord to swing up to the top of her head.

  ‘Meow, Ice King!’ Finn commanded.

  Ice King landed on the ground at the princess’s feet. He raised his arms and sent two frigid blasts that entrapped Princess Bubblegum’s legs in ice. Then the Ice King howled as he used all the power within himself to fully encase the princess’s now-humongous body in a block of ice.

  Fortunately for Finn, a bird was flying overhead right when the Ice King was blasting the princess. The bird grabbed Finn in its claws and flew off before Finn got trapped in ice, too. He liked the princess a lot, but he didn’t want to spend eternity frozen to her.

  ‘Thanks, bird,’ Finn called after the bird dropped him softly to the ground.

  Finn looked up sadly at the icy statue. He thought about all of the adventures he and the princess had shared – like covering up her zombie problem with a Candy Kingdom slumber party. And the time Finn uncovered Ricardio’s creepy secret plan to take the princess’s heart as his bride. And the time Finn accidentally tossed a spell bottle through the castle window and turned Princess Bubblegum green and bald! Boy was she mad!

  Finn was relieved that teamwork had prevailed and that he and the Ice King had stopped the evil PB from destroying the Candy Kingdom, but he also knew he was going to have to find a way to get Peebles back to her old self. That would be mathematical!