Nathalia Buttface and the Most Embarrassing Dad in the World
Page 16
“This holiday’s getting worse and worse,” said Nat, running indoors. “And I think you’re mean and horrible,” she shouted from the hallway.
Mum was inside, on her mobile and doing emails at the same time. Nat wanted to tell her why her life was so utterly pants but didn’t want to interrupt so, after hovering nearby for a few minutes, she just ran upstairs and threw herself on the bed.
Which is where she was when Bad News Nan came looking for her a little while later.
“Your fasher said you washn’t feeling very well,” she said, showering Nat with biscuit crumbs. Her voice was muffled due to the addition of digestives to – and the lack of teeth in – her mouth.
Bad News Nan often kept her false teeth in her pocket so as not to wear them out by overuse. Many evenings watching TV had been livened up by the sudden discovery of Nan’s gnashers under a cushion. Or in the butter dish.
“Everything’s horrible,” said Nat, putting her arms as far as she could round her nan.
That was music to Bad News Nan’s ears. She liked nothing better than a bit of misery. “Well if you think your life’s bad …” she began, and proceeded to tell Nat about:
Edna Pudding – lost two fingers in the bacon slicer at Morrison’s.
Deidre Scratchnsniff – put winning lottery ticket through a hot wash.
Frank Mealtime – took a pedalo out too far at Camber Sands and was captured by Somali pirates. His niece had to put all her bone-china figurines up on eBay to pay the ransom.
Nat wasn’t too sure how true any of these were (especially the Edna story, because the last time she’d seen Mrs Pudding she was working on the checkouts not the deli counter) but funnily enough they did make her feel better.
“I’ve told your father this whole expedition is stupid,” Nan droned on. “I said little Nat should come and stay with me this summer. Would you like that?”
Nat would like that a lot. No Dad to show her up and nothing to do except what Nan did – get up at lunchtime, watch endless episodes of Judge Judy and never eat a vegetable again. It sounded brilliant. Only one problem.
“How about Darius and the Dog?” Nat asked.
“I’m not looking after them,” said Nan, firmly. “They’d both have to go in kennels.”
Nat sighed and got off the bed. She carried on packing. France it was. But the Dog was NOT going in a kennel. She had a plan.
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About the Author
NIGEL SMITH has been a journalist, busker, TV comedy producer and script writer, winning an award for his BBC 4 radio comedy, Vent, based on his own life-threatening brain illness. More importantly, he has been – and still is – an embarrassing dad. Much like Nathalia Buttface, his three children are continually mortified by his ill-advised trousers, comedic hats, low-quality jokes, poorly chosen motor vehicles, unique sense of direction and unfortunate ukulele playing. Unlike his hero, Ivor Bumolé, he doesn’t write Christmas cracker jokes for a living. Yet.
Copyright
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Children’s Books in 2014
HarperCollins Children’s Books is a division of HarperCollinsPublishers
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Copyright © Nigel Smith 2014
Nathalia Buttface and the Most Embarrassing Dad in the World text © Nigel Smith 2014
illustrations © Sarah Horne 2014
Nigel Smith and Sarah Horne assert the moral right to be identified as the author and illustrator of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Source ISBN: 9780007545216
Ebook Edition © 2014 ISBN: 9780007545223
Version: 2014-04-16
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