Love Wasted

by Shirl Rickman

  His nostrils flare as he glares down into my eyes. I can see a raging battle in the depths of his gaze, and I wait for his final push. It doesn’t come. We remain locked in this war while everyone else around us watches, wondering what our next move will be. The girls who were ogling him earlier are whispering to one another, and the guys look to be divided on what move they should make if Pax and Johnny get in a fight, but I won’t let it get that far.

  “How about that drink, Johnny?” I say, my eyes never leaving Paxton.

  “Uh, yeah, sure,” he responds, sounding unsure. I’m still not sure what just happened, but there is always some kind of fight when it comes to Paxton and me.

  “Great,” I say sweetly. Turning to face Johnny, I catch a glimpse of Paxton shaking his head as he grabs his drink from Matt and tosses it back.

  When I notice him later, watching me from the corner of the room as I talk to Johnny, I’m overcome by a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. It’s the same feeling he always leaves me with—a hollow pang of sadness deep inside.

  I spent most of the night watching her. Matt tried to get me to go outside with two sophomore girls who wanted to “talk” in the pool house, but I blew him off. I didn’t talk to anyone unless they came to me.

  I also lost track of how many beers I had after she walked away with him.

  The worst part of this whole situation is I’ve seen Johnny do this before with an incoming freshman—more than once. He turns on his charms and uses his jock status and popularity to lure them in. Cass wants me to leave her alone? Fine, I will, but she can’t stop me from watching his every move so I can make sure he doesn’t try anything.

  He’s trying all right, Cass just hasn’t needed me to rescue her.

  Every time he rubs his fingertips across her shoulder, she causes his hand to fall off subtly by turning away from him and looking around the room. It’s obvious she isn’t really into it, yet she stands and flirts with him all night and he keeps on trying.

  A slow smile crosses my face as it dawns on me: Johnny Ryan may have met his match in Cass Porter. This five-foot-nine-inch gorgeous freshman girl waltzed into her first high school party and gave the most popular senior in our school a dose of his own medicine.

  Man, that girl…her confidence and fire would knock any guy off his feet. I almost pity Johnny, but then I remember he’s the one she’s standing with instead of me.

  Present

  When I open my eyes, light is shining through the wooden blinds of my old bedroom and I sigh. It’s strange being back here. It’s been years, and I’ve avoided it. I just wanted to make it on my own, be my own person, get away from the stigma of where I grew up.

  My parents never understood why I wanted to get away. They hated that I went to NYU, and it only got worse when Delaney chose Stanford and opted to stay close. She had no problem visiting regularly or going home for the holidays, unlike me.

  When I graduated and chose to take the architecture internship in London instead of San Francisco, my mom cried and asked why I didn’t want to be with them. What she didn’t understand—what none of them understood—is that none of my decisions had to do with them; they had to do with me. I didn’t love them less. I didn’t hate them. Shit, I loved them more than anything, but making my own place in the world always meant something to me. I’ve always wanted to walk my own path, live life according to my rules.

  I wanted success and independence. I live my life to please me—it’s who I am—and that’s exactly what I did. I made choices that gave me the security I have today. I am all the things I’ve always believed were important to me. I’m successful and proud, and I’m finally at the top of my field. That’s the reason I came home—I made it, and now I’m going to make it here.

  There’s a light knock on my door before it creaks open. “Paxton? Are you awake?” asks the calming voice of my mother. Alexis Luke is youthful, soft-spoken, and artsy. Her dark hair and bright eyes would never reveal the fact that she is a mother of two humans in their mid-twenties.

  The bed dips as she sits beside me and smiles. “Are you going to sleep all day? Should we have planned your welcome home get-together for tomorrow night to give you a day of rest?”

  I give her a sleepy grin and take her hand in mine, squeezing it lightly. “I’m a bit jetlagged I guess, not to mention I stopped at Delaney’s for Cass’s birthday party so I was a little late getting to bed. I think I was up almost twenty-four hours,” I say just before releasing a yawn.

  Mom grins wider. “So you stopped by your sister’s? Did she happen to say what time she’ll be here this evening?” My poor mother is always waiting for her children. Delaney can be just as bad as me sometimes. She tends to move to the beat of her own drum, much to my parents’ chagrin.

  Sitting up, I stretch my arms over my head. “Nope, she wasn’t really in a state to be thinking about her plans for today, much less thinking period.” I laugh as my mother rolls her eyes.

  “I’m telling you, you’d think those girls would have settled down by now, but no. Delaney never has a serious boyfriend, and Cassandra can’t decide about the one she’s had on and off for years. They may both have successful careers, but they can’t seem to move forward in any other areas of their lives. I worry about them,” she says, shaking her head.

  She has Delaney pinned, but her description has me wondering about the woman Cassandra Porter is now. “Oh come on, Mom. You’re overreacting. What’s the difference between myself and Laney and Cass? We’re happy, successful, and living our lives the way we want. They were celebrating last night. I’m sure they’ll both figure out their romantic lives when the time is right.” I say the words without much conviction. Thinking about Cass and the fact that she’s spent years with some guy has me feeling something I’ve always avoided when it came to her. Sure, over the years while I’ve been away, my family has kept me up to date on all of the Porters’ lives, but it’s Cass’s I paid most attention to when they told their stories. It has always been hard to keep things in check when it came to her. She was always a temptation.

  She laughs and pats me on the shoulder as I sit up in bed. “I see some things never change.” Her grin shines from ear to ear.

  I rub my eyes and yawn again.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask her, stifling another yawn.

  Standing, she makes her way to the doorway before turning back and looking at me, still grinning. “Your need to defend and protect those two, even from someone as harmless as your own mother,” she clarifies. I stare up at her, feeling confused. “For the record, I’m glad you haven’t changed. I’ve missed you. Hurry down—I know it’s your party, but I need help with the desserts for tonight.”

  “Yeah, yeah, okay. I’ll jump in the shower and be right down,” I tell her as I get out of bed, an uneasy feeling filling my gut. I push it away because it doesn’t make sense. I’ve been away a long time, and I shouldn’t still feel this way when it comes to Cass—that conflicting feeling of want and guilt over allowing myself to want her. I push it aside.

  “Thanks baby. Glad you’re home,” she says before leaving me alone once again.

  Sighing, I look at the doorway my mom disappeared through. It does feel good to be home, familiar, safe. I’m just not sure I want everything to be the same anymore. I’m older, and I want different things. I need different things. I’m not the same.

  After I step out of the shower, I quickly dry myself off, grab a pair of jeans and a hoodie from my suitcase, and get dressed.

  When I walk into the kitchen, my dad is sitting at the table reading the paper. Our eyes meet, and a smile spreads across his face. Standing up, he walks over to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders. “Pax, your mother said you snuck in late last night.”

  Pulling out of the embrace, he sits back down while I pour myself a cup of coffee.

  “Yeah, I stopped at Laney’s last night for Cass’s birthday party,” I tell him, taking a sip of the hot liquid.

&n
bsp; “Ah, yes. Delaney mentioned when we spoke a few days ago that they weren’t driving down until today because she was throwing Cass a party. I’m glad she talked you into stopping by. She’s missed you—we all have,” he confides.

  “Yeah, me too.

  Where’s Mom? She said she needed help with desserts,” I say, moving to the fridge and opening it up. When I spot the half and half, I pull it off the top shelf and pour a little in my cup.

  “She went to the store because she forgot something. Did your sister say what time she’d be here today?” Dad folds the paper before getting up and placing it in the recycle bin.

  Taking another sip of my coffee, I walk over to the window, looking out at the ocean just beyond the cliff. “Nope. Like I told Mom, Laney was a bit too distracted to be thinking about what she was doing today, but I’d say it’s safe to assume she won’t be here before two,” I joke.

  My dad laughs with me. “Oh, to be young and single. It’s all about the fun.”

  I look over at Dad like he has two heads. John Luke, like my mother, looks too young to have children in their twenties, but he has never been what people would call young at heart. His comment has me watching him closely, something I’ve never really done.

  “Oh come on, Paxton, lighten up. I’m your dad, not a decrepit old man,” he teases.

  I explode in laughter. “Fine, not decrepit, but we may need to argue the whole old point.”

  “Har har, kid! And you’ll always be my kid, so don’t try to argue that one,” he tells me with a gleam of happiness in his eye.

  Lifting my hands as if defending myself, I reply, “Whoa there, I wouldn’t dare disagree with you on the morning of my return to the home clan.” He laughs.

  My dad pats me on the back as he walks past me. “I’m glad you’re home, Pax. I’ve got to get the nice china out before your mom gets home—you know how she is about using her best dishes for the special occasions.”

  “Oh, I remember, and I’m happy to be home too, Dad. It’s been too long,” I confess.

  He leaves me sitting alone, thinking about all the special occasions I’ve missed the last ten years—the family moments…all of the moments.

  Present

  “Cassandra, I can’t believe a girl who looks like you and writes such beautiful love stories hasn’t found the one yet,” my editor, Margo, exclaims over the phone. She called to let me know my latest manuscript is my best story to date.

  I’m glad she can’t see my face because I frown at her words.

  Every time someone makes a comment like the one Margo just made to me, fuck you nearly slips from my mouth.

  “I’ve met lots of men,” I tell her smugly. “In fact, I’ve been dating Richard on a regular basis on and off for the last five years. We have a sort-of commitment.” I grin as I think about Richard. He’s romantic and charming, and damn he can kiss. He’s also an asshole and selfish—can’t have it all, I suppose.

  “Richard, huh?” I hear Margo’s voice echo. “And, tell me, when are the two of you finally going to actually commit?”

  Rolling my eyes, I flop back on my bed. “It’s…It’s nice, but I don’t know. He seems to care about me, and I love the way he kisses. He’s been there for so long, and he’s comfortable—we’re comfortable. We trust each other.”

  Margo sighs. “See? This is what I mean, you…well, you write beautiful romance, but you can’t seem to make it work for you in the real world.” I can hear her rolling her eyes. “If I didn’t read your love stories for a living, I wouldn’t believe there was a romantic bone in your body,” she adds.

  “Now you’re just being mean,” I retort, a little peeved at the eternal judgment I receive from my so-called friends. “I’ll have the final draft to you by next week. Goodbye Margo, and happy Sunday.” I hang up the phone without even waiting to hear her farewell.

  Standing abruptly, I stomp over to my closet and pull the door open.

  Speaking of Richard, I was supposed to call him when I got up this morning, I just wasn’t sure what I would say. After my conversation with Laney last night, I’m trying to keep my mind focused, open…open to the possibility of what I once saw in him, the possibility of us, which seemed to be on track until last night. I even thought about inviting him to Paxton’s welcome home party at the Lukes’, but it just doesn’t feel right, especially now, in the midst of another one of our what’s happening between us periods.

  Plus, the memory of last night makes me want to drink, and it has nothing to do with turning a year older and everything to do with Paxton himself. It was the strangest encounter we’ve ever had, awkward and…something else. It’s like he never left and the push and pull between us never stopped.

  As I pull on my jeans and new soft blue cashmere sweater, I start humming the tune to Taylor Swift’s “I Knew You Were Trouble.”

  “You know you need to stop listening to her music,” Laney says from the doorway of my bedroom, startling me in the process.

  “Oh shit! Dammit, Laney!” Throwing my hand over my heart, I glare at my best friend. “You need to knock before entering someone’s apartment,” I rebuke, still trying to pull my sweater over my head.

  She walks farther into the room, making herself comfortable on my bed, seemingly ignoring my comment.

  “Cass, you’re my best friend. I have a key to your apartment, and you have one to mine. We’ve barely spent more than a week or two apart since we were seven years old. You are not just someone, so knocking seems silly in this circumstance,” she says matter-of-factly, trying to rationalize her action.

  Turning to face her, I rest my hand on my hip, cocking it to one side.

  “Seriously, you and your brother need to learn some boundaries. I can’t comprehend where the two of you get your bossy and intruding ways because neither of your parents are that way at all,” I say, continuing to admonish her.

  Delaney sits on her knees, tilting her head to one side as she looks at me.

  “Cassandra, what has gotten into you? Even more important, why are you bringing Pax into it?” she questions, sounding confused and intrigued at the same time. “Are you two seriously still annoying one another?” She sits back on her haunches. “Man, this is going to be an awkward party.”

  Rolling my eyes, I swivel away from her. Searching through my closet for an overnight bag, I try to think of the right way to answer her. I need to say the right thing or she will make more out of this than there is.

  “I guess I’m dreading seeing my mother after our conversation last night before the party. She brought up my age and my love life. As for Paxton, he has nothing to do with it really; I’m only stating the facts of our friendship over the years and how both of you have an obsessive need to boss me around,” I explain, tossing a pair of polka dot pajamas into my bag.

  “Ignore your mom, like I do mine, and as for Paxton, well, he just got back. He hasn’t intruded in our lives for years. We’re older, and he doesn’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to bossing us around.” A light giggle escapes her. “Ignore him too, like I do and like we’ve always done. It shouldn’t be too hard since the party is for him and will be filled with his friends. He won’t even care that we’re there.”

  She’s right. Ignore Paxton. After throwing in the last item I need for an overnight stay, I run and jump on my best friend, giggling along with her. What would life be like without her? I would never want to find out.

  She reaches over and slaps me on the ass.

  “Let’s get on the road, and you’re driving this time,” she tells me, hopping off the bed in the process. “Also, don’t forget the Tim Tams! I need sugar and hangover food.”

  Shaking my head, I get up off the bed, picking my bag up as I leave my room. I’m not sure what this weekend will be like, but I’m a smart, twenty-six-year-old successful author. I’m fine. My life is fine, and my romantic life is fine, even if it is a bit more on the in care side than the in love side.

  As I pull into my parents’
driveway, I notice neither of them is home. I glance over at Laney’s house next door and realize Mrs. Luke’s car is also gone.

  “Seriously! Where in the heck are my parents?” I say out loud as I pull the keys from the ignition. Delaney is out of the car and opening the back door before I’m even out of my seat. “I’m going to throw a pretend temper tantrum over the fact that I can’t open my birthday present until they get home.” I grin over the top of the car at Laney and she rolls her eyes as usual.

  “Who knows? It’s the life of retirees, they get to do what they want. I don’t think anyone is supposed to come over to my parents’ house until six,” she offers as she pulls her bag from the back. “You know how they are, Cass. Most likely, they’re out buying last-minute groceries and presents for you, and probably for Pax too because they think they need to make up for the last ten years he’s been gone.”

  Grabbing my bag from the back seat, I slam the door shut.

  Now I’m the one rolling my eyes. “You’re right, they’re ridiculous when it comes to things like that. I’m exhausted, but I know we promised we’d help your mom with appetizers. Also, I promised Richard I would call this morning…I didn’t call him, and he left a message some time when we were in the cell service vortex of Highway 1 between Half Moon Bay and Pescadero.”

  “Oh, Richard,” she says in an accusing tone. “Let’s get started on appetizers and then we might have time for a nap before the party.”

  “Sounds amazing, but what’s with the tone?” I question as we walk around the hedges and through her parents’ front yard.

  Without looking at me, Laney responds, “What tone?” There’s humor her voice now.