Betty Church and the Suffolk Vampire

by M. R. C. Kasasian

  ‘Yes. I said unfortunately,’ Lavender muttered unconvincingly.

  ‘I thought you must have.’ Poppy relaxed.

  ‘Did you never think of going to the police?’ Dodo suggested.

  ‘What the hell would you have done?’ Lavender demanded.

  ‘Well, clearly you knew who they were,’ I reasoned. ‘We would have questioned and arrested them, if we found your story to be true, and they would have been severely punished.’

  ‘How severely?’ Poppy sneered. ‘Bound over? A fine that they could pay without thinking about it?’

  ‘More than that,’ I assured her. ‘They would have got long prison sentences. The law takes rape very seriously.’ I was about to add that they would be given a rough ride by the other prisoners too, when Poppy gathered her lips into a seething sphincter and spat out at me, ‘Rape? Don’t be dis-gusting. Who said anything about rape?’

  I blinked, somewhat taken aback by her vehemence and slightly confused by her question, but it was Poppy’s older sister who ended the pause.

  ‘But you told me they had—’ she said quietly.

  ‘No I didn’t,’ Poppy burst out. ‘You asked if they had touched me and I said yes.’

  ‘You said you were outraged,’ Lavender said, aghast.

  ‘And so I was.’ Poppy threw back her head. ‘Their behaviour was outrageous from start to finish. They insulted me with lewd remarks—’

  ‘Such as?’ I interrupted her.

  ‘I don’t like to say.’

  ‘Try.’

  ‘Well…’ Poppy hung her head, ‘about not touching me with a bargepole, for instance.’

  ‘Hang on,’ I said. ‘They insulted you by not wanting to touch you?’

  Poppy flushed. ‘Well, wouldn’t you be offended?’

  ‘What exactly happened, Poppsie?’ Lavender asked in a stage whisper.

  ‘Well, I had had a few glasses of champagne—’

  ‘But you don’t drink,’ Lavender reminded her. ‘Who gave you those?’

  ‘Well, I sort of helped myself,’ Poppy admitted. ‘I just wanted to know what it tasted like and it tasted very nice and made me feel all warm.’

  ‘And woozy?’ Dodo asked.

  ‘And woozy,’ Poppy agreed. ‘But I only had five or six little glasses.’

  ‘And then?’ I prompted.

  ‘Well, then I asked Mr Henshaw if he wanted to dance but he said there wasn’t any music. I said that didn’t matter and I started trying to teach him a foxtrot but I ended up sort of hanging round his neck with him trying to unclasp my fingers behind his neck.’

  ‘You don’t know how to foxtrot,’ Lavender objected but her sister carried on talking.

  ‘One of the others, Mr Dapper, the seed merchant, said something like, I didn’t know you were that desperate, Ian and that’s when Mr Henshaw made his remark about bargepoles and I tripped backwards into a sherry trifle.’

  ‘Custard in your hair,’ I remembered.

  ‘And they all started laughing and making fun of me.’

  ‘The swine,’ Dodo breathed.

  ‘One of them asked how much I charged and another said I should be paying him. It was very embarrassing. I ran out onto the street.’ Poppy swallowed. ‘That’s when they did start threatening me. One of them, Mr Heath Jackson, the accountant, shouted, Come back or you’ll get hurt.’

  ‘I suspect he meant it more in concern,’ I suggested.

  ‘Oh.’ Poppy put a hand to her mouth. ‘I hadn’t thought of it like that.’ She mopped her brow with her forearm. ‘It was awful and, when I ran away, they chased after me.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ I asked.

  ‘Of course I am,’ she said uncertainly, ‘I wouldn’t have fallen into the cellar if I hadn’t been running.’

  ‘No I mean are you sure they chased you?’

  ‘Well, I heard footsteps and one of them threatening that I would fall under a bus.’

  ‘It sounds awfully like they were trying to help you,’ Dodo remarked.

  ‘It wasn’t like that,’ Poppy insisted. ‘One of them shouted for me to come back because I’d dropped my handbag but the next day it was left on my front doorstep so they must have followed me home.’

  ‘Or looked at the address in your driving licence,’ I suggested.

  ‘What about you?’ Poppy demanded with renewed fire. ‘While they were attacking me, you stood by and watched and shouted, Come on, boys to encourage them.’

  ‘No I didn’t. I met you running away after your fall and looked after you,’ I pointed out. ‘I took you to hospital.’

  ‘Is this true, Poppy?’ Lavender asked hoarsely and Poppy ran the fingers of both hands through her hair.

  ‘Well, it might be. I was quite confused.’

  ‘So all those people we killed were just laughing at your drunken attempts to seduce Ian Henshaw and engaging in a bit of banter and, when he said it was just a bit of fun,’ Lavender gasped unbelievingly, ‘it was.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know.’ Poppy huffed. ‘Bits of it got clearer over the weeks and that blow to the head seems to have helped.’

  ‘But it was me that got hit.’ Lavender touched her scalp indignantly. ‘Twice.’

  ‘Yes but it sort of jolted me back to reality,’ her sister explained.

  Lavender looked at her in disbelief. ‘So we killed them all for making fun of you?’

  ‘It was very embarrassing,’ Poppy protested.

  ‘And we lured Inspector Church here for nothing.’ Lavender lit her cigarette.

  ‘Oh that is awfully bad for you,’ Dodo told her. ‘Makes you windy when you play lacrosse.’

  ‘I don’t.’

  ‘Lured?’ I repeated.

  ‘Oh yes.’ Poppy brightened. ‘You will never get out of here alive.’

  107

  THE LAST RESORT

  Dodo sat up. ‘Do not be silly,’ she said. ‘Inspector Church has the spikey walking stick and I have a gun with five dangerous bullets in the twirly bit.’

  ‘It only had one bullet,’ Lavender told her. ‘And you have fired it.’

  ‘Then you won’t mind if my constable pulls the trigger,’ I challenged.

  ‘It was a bluff,’ she admitted.

  ‘So how can you possibly stop us leaving?’ Dodo demanded crossly.

  ‘Quite easily.’ Lavender Wicks smiled, coldly for once. ‘This whole pier is rigged to be blown up in case of invasion.’

  ‘Gracious,’ Dodo gasped. ‘That sounds like a very noisy thing to do.’

  ‘Don’t worry.’ Lavender put her hand down the back of her seat cushion. ‘You’ll be dead before you even hear it.’

  ‘I do not wish to start an argument with somebody as skilful at sadistic killing as you appear to be – assuming you are not telling us porky-pies – but I do not find that as reassuring as you anticipate,’ Dodo decided. ‘Perhaps I should just shoot you now.’

  ‘And risk detonating…’ Lavender’s hand came out from behind her cushion, ‘this.’

  ‘Oh.’ Dodo watched with interest. ‘Is that a stick of Sickwater rock?’

  ‘No,’ Lavender replied. ‘It is dynamite.’

  ‘In that case I would be a little less blasé about waving it about,’ I told her. ‘I don’t know much about dynamite but I do know it is highly unstable. The slightest knock can sometimes set it off.’

  ‘Which is exactly what I intend to do.’ Lavender looked straight through me and I was disconcerted to hear how steady her voice was and see how steady her hand was as she told me that.

  ‘But I thought you intended to flee to Paris,’ Dodo said. ‘At least I hoped it was Paris. I saw some pictures in a magazine called Paris Fashions – I’ll show you tomorrow, if you like.’

  ‘There won’t be any tomorrow,’ Poppy forecast.

  ‘Oh do not be silly,’ Dodo told her. ‘It’s Wednesday today and there is always a Thursday every week.’

  ‘Actually it’s Saturday,’ I told her, as if it mattered.

>   ‘Oh bother-bother-botheration,’ Dodo cried. ‘I am a silly sandwich. I have missed another hair appointment.’

  ‘Actually I rather like your hair as it is,’ Lavender told her and Dodo primped the fiery ball that enveloped her head.

  ‘Oh thank you’ – she grinned – ‘which reminds me – I was going to say they have some lovely clothes in Paris. You would look radiant in some of their gowns.’

  ‘What about me?’ Poppy asked plaintively.

  ‘Oh, I do not have to toady to you,’ Dodo replied airily. ‘You do not have a stick of dynamite in your hand. Mind you…’ She sat up to peer more closely and put the gun into her lap to slip on her little round glasses. ‘That does say TNT on the wrapper.’

  ‘It’s the same thing,’ Lavender said sniffily.

  ‘If you say so’ – Dodo took her glasses off – ‘but I think it is much more powerful.’

  ‘All the better,’ Poppy called. ‘There are crates of the stuff under the stage, ready to be put under the supports.’

  ‘There are indeed,’ Dodo agreed readily, ‘enough to blow up half the town, I should think.’

  I suddenly realised something. The army would never leave something like that unguarded and a couple of privates usually stood outside the main gate with bayonets fixed. ‘Where are the sentries?’ I asked.

  ‘Feeding the fish,’ Lavender told me.

  ‘Well, that’s very kind of them,’ Dodo responded, ‘but I really think they should be on patrol or they will get into awful trouble.’

  ‘They are beyond that,’ I explained.

  ‘We invited them in and cut their throats.’ Poppy chortled.

  ‘Badly?’ Dodo touched her own neck anxiously.

  ‘Ear to ear,’ Lavender confirmed.

  ‘I expect you mean ears to ears,’ Dodo corrected her.

  ‘How dare you criticise my grammar?’ Lavender fumed. ‘You are as bad as those damned bitches at—’ She stopped dead but Dodo completed the sentence almost seamlessly: ‘St Jerome’s.’ She clicked her fingers. ‘I knew I had seen you before. I thought it might have been in How Dark It Doth Groweth but it was at St Jerome’s Workhouse. You were much older and in charge of my dormitory but I do not suppose you even noticed me.’

  ‘Noticed?’ Lavender echoed scornfully. ‘How could I not? I had been in that stinking hole for six years but you were hardly there six months before that stuck-up policeman’s wife took a fancy to you. She had been interested in me until you turned up, Little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes clinging to her skirts. Oh please be my mummy,’ she mocked in a baby voice, her fist blanched as she continued, ‘I was there another year before the Castles turned up looking for a sister for Daddy’s darling Poppy.’

  ‘I was always Daddy’s darling.’ Her sister smiled dreamily.

  It was then I remembered Thurston Wicks telling us that his wife had had a hard childhood without any parents. I had thought nothing of it at the time. Mr G would not have been impressed. You should always think something of everything, he used to tell me.

  ‘In case you did not realise it, that explains why you do not look like each other,’ Dodo informed them.

  ‘And also why you tried to frame my constable,’ I concluded.

  ‘Which one?’ Dodo enquired with interest. ‘Surely not Rivers. He has not got the energy.’ She wiggled her nose clockwise. ‘Oh you mean me.’ Her nose went into reverse. ‘But why would you do that?’

  ‘Call it poetic justice.’ Lavender toyed with a loose strand of her long blonde hair. ‘You got away with being an accomplice to the Camden Vampire—’

  ‘I did not!’ Dodo burst out. ‘I didn’t even know he was the vampire until he was arrested and even then I didn’t believe it.’ She picked up the revolver and waved it at everyone like an overwrought conductor. ‘But I have paid the price for my father’s crimes all my life.’

  ‘Well, you couldn’t expect us to know that.’ Poppy shrugged, making everything all right.

  ‘No more than I could expect you to believe I was guilty.’ Dodo’s eyes narrowed. ‘Well, I have to say you really are a couple of stinky-winky beasts.’ Dodo got up and pointed the revolver at Lavender, who tinkled merrily.

  ‘This whole chair is stuffed with explosives. If you shoot me at that range the bullet will go straight through me and blow us all to kingdom come.’

  ‘Oh dear.’ Dodo sat down. ‘I am not sure what to do for the best now.’ She looked across. ‘What would you suggest, boss?’

  ‘You would probably be best making a run for it,’ I advised.

  ‘But I cannot leave you,’ she cried.

  ‘You will have to if I order you to.’

  ‘Think I shall sit and watch you go?’ Lavender unclipped her handbag.

  ‘You do not have to watch if you do not want to,’ Dodo reassured her. ‘Anyway, it might not explode when you throw it.’

  ‘Think I’m stupid?’ Lavender brought out her lighter.

  ‘Well, you have done some very silly things,’ Dodo told her. ‘Shall I go now, boss?’

  ‘It would be best,’ I agreed.

  ‘Well,’ Dodo Chivers got to her feet and gave a little wave, ‘goodbye.’

  ‘This is it, Poppy!’ Lavender yelled, flicked the top off her lighter and spun the wheel. The flame rose on her first attempt.

  ‘I’m ready, Lavender.’ Poppy, forgetting her sister’s prediction about not hearing, put her fingers in her ears.

  Lavender held the flame under the stick and the wrapper caught fire.

  ‘Damn it,’ she swore as the flames licked her fingers. She dropped the stick and the fire went out.

  ‘TNT doesn’t explode with heat,’ I told her as she picked it up and tried again. ‘It needs a small explosion to set it off.’

  ‘You were right to say a bullet would set it off though,’ Dodo said.

  Lavender Wicks flung the stick furiously into the orchestra pit, where it bounced harmlessly away.

  ‘How do you two know so much about explosives?’ she asked, all of a sudden deflated.

  ‘We went to see The Dawn Patrol with Errol Flynn,’ Dodo told her. ‘In it,’ she added in case Lavender thought he had accompanied us to the pictures, and then explained, ‘though not together and not at the same time.’

  ‘Was it not Gunga Din with Cary Grant and Douglas Fairbanks Jr?’ I queried. ‘No don’t tell me. It was…’

  ‘The Gold Miners,’ we said in unison.

  ‘Is that the one where they get trapped by a rockfall?’ Poppy asked. ‘I would quite like to see that.’ Her lower lip wobbled. ‘But I don’t suppose I will now.’ She raised her voice. ‘Shall we use our last-resort plan, Lavender?’

  ‘It would be preferable to awaiting the hangman.’ Lavender pursed her lips. ‘On the count of three?’

  ‘One… two… three,’ they yelled in unison and ran straight towards each other and the gaping hole in the floor with the wind-whipped sea crashing far below.

  ‘Stop!’ I shouted, uselessly, but you have to shout something.

  I was not sure they even heard me. Lavender, getting there first, waited for Poppy to catch up. They stood on the brink, looked at each other, nodded and leaped over the edge, just managing to clasp hands before they disappeared into the abyss.

  108

  THE ABSENCE OF LISTENERS

  I edged carefully along the old red carpet towards where it dipped away.

  ‘Oh yuckity-yuck.’ Dodo shivered.

  ‘Ouchy-wouchy,’ wailed Poppy.

  ‘Oh fucking hell that hurts,’ Lavender shrieked.

  ‘Wash your mouth out,’ Poppy scolded.

  ‘Wash your stupid brain out, you stupid cow,’ Lavender retorted. ‘All that for being jostled by some drunken rams.’

  And then it clicked. ‘Inshulted by seep,’ I recalled. ‘She was trying to tell me she had been insulted by sheep.’

  I turned on my torch to see the two sisters lying, Lavender face-up and Poppy face-down, on the bales of barbed wire that p
acked the space to stop anybody getting access to the explosives.

  ‘The more you wriggle the more entangled you will get,’ I cautioned.

  ‘I do not think they are listening, boss.’ Dodo watched the two women squirm.

  ‘No,’ I agreed. ‘I do not suppose they are.’

  ‘Do you think we have enough evidence now?’ Dodo asked and I would have replied in the affirmative if the double doors from the foyer had not crashed open and the figure of a man appeared on the threshold.

  109

  THE WATCHER IN THE SHADOWS

  I didn’t have to look twice to recognise the newcomer.

  ‘Inspector Sharkey,’ I greeted him. ‘You took your time.’

  He looked at me standing in the aisle and Dodo on the stage, both peering down the hole.

  ‘Well, I got him,’ he cried in triumph.

  ‘Who?’ I asked.

  ‘Inspector Church wishes to know who you have got?’ Dodo explained.

  ‘The kidnapper, of course,’ Sharkey crowed. ‘Told you it takes a man to sort out a real case.’

  ‘But who?’ Dodo asked and I was glad she had beaten me to it, so that she didn’t have to clarify my enquiry.

  ‘Bring him in, men.’ Sharkey clicked his fingers and the Grinder-Snipes made their entrance, dragging another man between them. ‘Caught him loitering in the shadows outside the gates.’ Sharkey pumped out his chest, every inch the matador standing over his despatched bull. ‘Obviously waiting for you to leave so he could pick up the ransom money.’

  ‘Hello, Inspector Church.’ Toby Gregson raised his head and I saw blood trickling down his lips onto his chin.

  ‘Did you hit him?’ I accused and Sharkey snorted.

  ‘Resisting arrest,’ he said, his confidence clearly waning now that he could see who his suspect was.

  ‘I didn’t know he was a policeman,’ Toby protested. ‘When a man jumps on you in the dark, without saying anything, of course you fight back.’

  ‘Ohhh ’e did a lot of wrigglin’ when we detained ’im,’ Sandy told me.

  ‘It were like ’e didn’t want tu be detained at all,’ Algy remarked in surprise.