Aint too proud to beg sfdg-1

by Susan Donovan

  Ah, yesthe birth of undercover work.

  Rick nodded. Youre the funniest woman Ive ever met, have I told you that?

  You only say that because Im letting you unbutton my shirt.

  He leaned forward and kissed the now exposed tops of her breasts, moaning in delight. Rick looked up at Josie. Youve also got fabulous breasts.

  Josie smiled, grabbing one of his hands and placing it on her breast. So how exactly did you get your hands on all this splendor?

  Rick chuckled. Well… He grabbed one of her hands and pressed her palm against the front of his jeans. An upstanding and hardworking family bought the property in the 1930s.

  Josie moved her hands up and down his erection. Is this a long story?

  Yes, and getting longer by the second, he said. Ricked yanked off his jeans and boxers, then his shirt went flying. He returned his attention to Josie, pulling her top down so that he could unhook the front closure of her bra. When one breast popped free, his mouth was there to catch the nipple. He repeated the process on the other side.

  All the while, Rick had somehow managed to unbutton the top of Josies jeans and his fingers were already exploring the outside of her pussy lips.

  Josie arched her hips in need. Are we getting to the climax of your story?

  Rick laughed. Youre so impatient, Josie. Then he ripped off her shirt and bra and threw them to the floor. Next, he pulled down her pants and underwear and tossed them aside. They got hung up on the edge of the footboard.

  Rick then dragged his lips down the front of Josies body, leaving little electrical shivers of pleasure as he went, stopping only at the rise of her mound. He began nibbling on her flesh.

  You know, he said, already laughing, the family who bought this place from Madame Toulouse turned out to be real busy beavers.

  Josie shook with silent laughter. Please. Im begging you. No more.

  Really, they were! Rick returned his attention to between her legs, a region he obviously considered his own personal playground. The idea excited Josie so much the muscles in her thighs began to tremble. He was torturing her!

  The land here was very fertile, he said, letting his fingers push open the plump and wet outer lips. When his fingertips found her swollen little clit she began to pant. When he put his mouth on her and dragged his tongue back and forth from her clitoris to the entrance of her wet opening she nearly swooned.

  The wine flowed, he said, nuzzling her. They plowed thousands of new acres of vineyard land One finger entered Josie.

  She gasped.

  And they added an olive grove that produced gallon after gallon of slick, golden liquid He inserted a second finger. Josie shuddered.

  For three generations it just kept getting better and better and better … Rick slid in a third finger while simultaneously placing his tongue on her clit and licking and sucking on the hard little pebble of nerve endings. That was itJosie was gone.

  It took a moment, but Josie eventually returned to earth. That was the best fucking bedtime story Ive ever had in my life, she mumbled. When Rick didnt reply, she opened her eyes. He was sitting straight up, frowning. Then she heard it.

  Is that somebody at our door? she whispered.

  Rick groaned. Yeah, and I know exactly who it is.

  Still reeling from having her fertile ground plowed, Josie watched the magnificently naked Rick Rousseau stride toward the door without a care.

  He obviously didnt mind if the entire wine country population saw him naked, but Josie sure did, so she struggled to get under the covers.

  He opened the door, none too graciously. Well, hurry it up then, he said impatiently. Get in here.

  Three dusty dogs ran into the room. After a moment of excited sniffing, circling, and shaking, they sat at Ricks feet. Josie realized Ricks dogs were pretty cute when they werent running like hounds from hell.

  These are the rules, he said in a stern voice. Josie watched as all the dogs eyebrows twitched, as though they were hanging on his every word.

  No jumping up on the bed. Do not get on the couches. No drinking out of the toiletand Im talkin to you, Chenyour water bowl is in the usual spot.

  Genghis had begun to inch closer to Ricks naked body, ready to sniff at the man parts on display. Dont you even /think/ about it, Rick growled.

  He then pointed to a corner behind one of the sofa and table groupings.

  All of you, lie down and leave us alone.

  The dogs toddled over to the corner and collapsed next to each other, Tara sandwiched between the two bigger dogs, all three obviously exhausted from their play. Genghis yawned. He looked like hed lived there forever.

  Josie was extremely impressed with Ricks take-charge attitude, and when he turned her way she smiled. I kind of like it when youre bossy, she said, wagging an eyebrow. She pulled back the coverlet and patted the sheets.

  Rick got a running start, jumped, and flopped on his back on the bed.

  Good, he said. Now where were we?

  Rick lay awake in the darkness. Josie was dozing off, floating away on a postsex cloud, her soft thigh thrown over his hip and her head resting on his chest. Chen was snoring. The crickets and tree frogs performed their nightly concerto, a sure sign summer was just around the corner.

  He stared at the ceiling and toyed with Josies curls. After about four hours of lovemaking, he was sated down to his bones, warm and loose and at peace. He felt a kind of childlike hope taking root in him, as if all things were possible and the next grand adventure lay just around the bend.

  Of course, all this was because he was falling in love with Josiehe was falling in love with a woman for the very first time in his thirty-seven years on the planet. He might have been living in an emotional wasteland of late, but he was astute enough to know love when it hit from point-blank range.

  And he could tell it was going to be a love so good and so big that it would make up for lost time.

  He looked down at Josies face, innocent and sweet, and knew that she was falling in love, too. It was in her eyes when he was inside her. It was in the way she held him in her arms. Her love was a miracle.

  But there was a reason he was lying there awake in the middle of the night. Something was very wrong. He knew he was misleading Josie. He owed her some information, and fast. He owed her a complete picture of who he was. Without it, he would be using her like hed used every other woman in his life. And he knew that if he ever did anything to hurt sweet Josie Sheehan, then everything would come crashing down around him.

  If he hurt her, the sweat and tears and pain of the last seven years would become meaningless. The goodness hed managed to salvage from his life would disappear in a puff of smoke. There would be no balancing the scales. There would be no repair to his karma, or to the world. He would be right back to his old self, creating suffering and pain wherever he went.

  Rick closed his eyes briefly. He knew there was only one path for him, in all things. Truth. He took a deep, steadying breath and, in the stillness of his heart, he asked the universe to give him courage.

  Josie? Are you awake?

  Hmmm, she said.

  I need to talk to you.

  Kay, she said in a sleepy voice. She kissed his chest hair and then began breathing deep and slow again.

  Baby, Im sorry, but its important. Please wake up.

  Im awake.

  You sure?

  Yeah. Josie pushed herself up and sat cross-legged on the bed, facing him, looking a little unsteady. A silly smile suddenly spread over her face. I was having the weirdest dream, she said, yawning. It was /The Best Little Whorehouse in Sonoma/the musicaland my friend Bea played the role of Madame Toulouse and Teeny was the sheriff, so, technically, that would make it a nightmare, right?

  Rick laughed. Sounds like a real crowd-pleaser. He took a moment to simply gaze at her. Her hair was all jumbled. She was sleepy and cute and naked.

  A lump formed in his throat.

  Is something wrong, Rick?

  He decide
d he needed light for this conversation, and reached over to the bedside lamp, turning it on to its lowest wattage. Nothings wrong, really. I just need to be completely clear with you about everythingI dont want there to ever be dishonesty or misunderstanding between us.

  Josies eyes got big. Youre married.

  No! Rick sat up, too, grabbing one of her hands. No, Josie. God, no!

  Nothing like that. /But I wish it were that simple,/ he thought.

  She frowned, then slowly slid her hand from his grasp, as if putting a buffer zone between them. Rick knew he needed to hurry and get this over with, because the truth might be better than what Josie was kicking up in her outrageous imagination.

  I mentioned my wild days, when I traveled the world trying to find myself, right?

  She nodded quickly, then brushed her curls away from her face. The way she sat, the way she held herself, he could tell she was bracing for bad news. She was so lovely there in the soft yellow lamplight. Josie was soft, curvy, beautiful. She was kind. She possessed a sunny, joyful spirit that shed generously shared with him. He could not damage that spirit.

  I left out the details, he continued. I didnt know how to tell you about just how bad it really was. I still dontbut I know I have to.

  Josie said nothing, but she nodded soberly, her eyes following the serpents twisted path up the front of his body.

  When I got out of college, I was a pompous ass who didnt respect anyone or anythingI thought the world owed me. I treated women badly, and I mean spectacularly badly. I used them for sex and I manipulated them and I left them without a word of good-bye, all for sport.

  Josie took a deep breath. Im familiar with the type.

  I got into drugs, Josie. Coke and Ecstasy and psychedelics. Lot of pot.

  I drank. I had access to what amounted to an unlimited trust fund, and I wasnt anywhere near mature enough to handle it. When I was twenty-eight, I ended up getting arrested for narcotics possession in Thailand, and would have spent the rest of my life in a rat-infested cell if it werent for my dads money and international connections. I have no doubt about that.

  Josies eyes got big again, but this time they were brimming with fear.

  Youd think that event would have scared some sense into me, but it didnt. I got back to the States and just kept doing the same shit here.

  I was ruled by my egoI didnt want to hear anyone tell me that I was headed for disaster, but literally, I was on a collision course with it.

  I have to stop you right here, Josie said, waving her hands above her head. She looked panicked. Whens the last time you were tested for HIV?

  Even before shed asked, Rick knew thats where she was headed. It made perfect sense, considering the picture he was painting for her. Ive tested negative twice a year for more than seven years, ever since the accident. My last test was about two months ago. I know this is nothing to be proud of, but I did practice safe sex most of the time.

  Thank God, Josie said, shaking her head and slapping a hand to her mouth. Rick thought she might cry.

  Im telling you this because you have to know where Ive come from, Josie.

  I care about you a lot, and Id like to have something real with you, and the only way to do that is with a foundation of full disclosure.

  Jesus, she whispered, laughing in disbelief. I have another question I need to ask. Right now. Before you say another word.

  Sure.

  Did you ever get anyone pregnant? Do you have a bunch of kids running around the world?

  Rick was pleased he could answer her with certainty. No. To my knowledge I never got anyone pregnant nor do I have any children. I would know if I did.

  Youre sure.

  Absolutely. I would have been hit up for child support.

  And rightly so, Josie snapped.

  I wouldve moved heaven and earth to be in my kids lives. Rick could see the relief on her face. Josie, thats not a responsibility I would take lightly.

  Okay. Thanks, she said, looking away and biting her bottom lip. She tucked the comforter under her arms and pulled her elbows close to her sides, as though she were building a cocoon.

  At this point, Rick half expected her to demand Teeny drive her home and tell Rick to never contact her again. He wouldnt blame her.

  Josie turned back to him, her head held high. What else? Let me have it.

  He paused a moment and studied Josie, a spark of hope growing in him.

  Maybe she was stronger than he dared imagine. Her eyes were flashing with hurt and anger, but maybe she would come out the other side of all this in one piece.

  The motorcycle accident. I wasnt the only one injured. There was a girl on the back of the bike.

  Uh-huh, Josie said without emotion, as though it were too much for her to process.

  There was only one helmet and I was wearing it. She suffered severe brain trauma and was in a coma for the last seven years. When I went back East a few weeks agowhen I didnt call you for coffeeit was because she had died. I went to her funeral.

  Tell me about her. A single tear slipped down Josies cheek. She didnt wipe it away.

  Her name was Margot Cummings, a girl Id known for most of my life. Our parents were in the same social circles. I dated her for a short time at Yale. When I got back to the States I ran into her at a party and decided to take her for a ride on my bike.

  Josies mouth was pulled tight. What happened, exactly?

  Rick told her. He told her about the drugs and the beer and the rain. He told her how he died on the operating room table and looked down on his own mangled body, only to wake up the next day, alive and in agony. He told her about rehab with Teeny, the dropped criminal charges, the pending civil lawsuit. He told her about his father dying and leaving him money. He told her exactly how much.

  He talked for so long that the sun had started to come up. Every question Josie askedand she asked a lot of them over the hourshe answered truthfully. When she wasnt asking questions, Josie sat still in her little cocoon and listened intently.

  Rick heard a rustling sound and looked over his shoulder to find all three dogs sniffing at the bed, tails wagging. Chen nudged his nose against the small of Ricks back.

  I should let the dogs out, he said.

  We should all get some fresh air. Josie got out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom. He watched her as she movedpink and round and female from tip to toe. He wanted to think of her as hishis woman, his love, his partnerbut he wasnt sure shed permit it now. Though shed been an amazing listener, he had no idea what Josie would do with all the information hed unloaded on her. He half expected her to come out of the bathroom fully dressed, with her bags packed.

  It would take an extraordinary leap of faith for a woman to stick around after all hed just laid on her. It would take an extraordinary woman.

  But, in truth, that was the only woman he would want to share his life with.

  Josie reappeared, glanced at him briefly, then went into the dressing room. She came out a few moments later wearing a pair of jeans and a worn Stanford sweatshirt. She was the sexiest creature hed ever seen, and his heart felt as if it would break.

  The dogs ran to her. She bent down and rubbed their heads, then picked up Tara and held her out at eye level. Look at you, you little cutie!

  Lets go outside, everybody!

  Josie opened the door and the dogs fled. She stayed in the open doorway, the sun spilling down on her. She shook her head slowly. So incredibly beautiful, she whispered.

  Rick threw the covers off, hopped out of bed, and went to her. He stood behind her, pressing his body into her back. He wrapped his arms around her. Josie She shook her head to cut him off. Were all human, Rick. Were all imperfect. We all make mistakes…

  He was about to agree but she cut him off with a shout, /And some of us just make huge fucking whopper mistakes that go on for years and years and end in catastrophe!/ Rick remained still, his heart banging in his chest. He was terrified.

  He was terrified of losing her
, and hed only just found her.

  You know, Bethmy sistershe got mad at her husband the other day, Josie continued in a much softer voice, still looking out on the ranch. She told him he was as sexy as leftover meat loaf and a terrible father. She told him she didnt like the way he smelled.

  Rick wasnt sure if he was expected to comment, so he stayed quiet.

  Howie packed up and left, but hell be back, Josie said. People can do really stupid things when theyre depressed or have lost their way, you know?

  I know, Rick whispered into her ear.

  Howie will forgive her, because he loves her. Theyll work it out. But Beth will have to do her part to earn his trust again.

  Rick pulled her tighter and closed his eyes.

  Josie sighed. I guess all we can do is wake up every day and start over.

  Her voice faltered. So, what I need to know… I guess what Im asking is… Rick felt her breath catch on a sob.

  Every day, sweet Josieyoure exactly right about that. He leaned down and left a kiss on her cheek. I wake up every day and I know Im privileged to have one more chance to make things right.

  She nodded softly and sniffled.

  I can never change the past. All I can do is live today with integrity and balance.

  That sounds like a laxative commercial or something, she said, sniffling again.

  Rick smiled to himself, realizing how that could sound like mumbo jumbo, though it was anything but. If explaining his own personal credo helped Josie understand himand trust himhe was glad to do it. No matter what else is going on in my life, I wake up every day with the same three objectives: /Do no harm. Dwell in compassion. Train my mind./ If Im following that formula, I know Im living honestly and not ruled by ego or negative thinking.

  I see.

  I look at it as a daily dose of grace, but thats all it isa twenty-four-hour reprieve from my old ways. And I have a routine that I follow to keep me on track.

  Josie turned her head to the side, just barely glancing over her shoulder. What kind of routine?

  I abstain from alcohol and drugs, obviously, and I meditate for at least ten minutes a day, sometimes up to an hour.