Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

  But Vance was right, real friends should be able to feel, speak their minds, and understand one another. Should I really apologize for expressing myself, or for getting frustrated at her lack of effort?

  Vance continued in my silence. “You gotta start somewhere. This was a good first step. Really. Now just think about how you’ll handle it better next time.”

  I sighed. “I doubt there’ll be a next time.” I stared out the window, watching a handful of stars winking back at me. No thanks to the residential street lamps, this was nowhere near as dark as the mountains, where thousands of brilliant specks dotted the night sky. Down here, I missed the beauty, the seclusion. “I think I’ve known it since I left school… that Lexi and I were done,” I confessed. “She didn’t even internalize anything I said. She never will. I stopped trying years ago because it always fell on deaf ears. I don’t know why I thought tonight would be any different. Maybe I was hoping for some sort of closure. Instead, I burned a bridge.”

  “This won’t be your last confrontation. Maybe it won’t be Lexi, maybe it won’t be this same situation at all. But it will happen again. You’ll have to stand up for yourself. I guarantee it. So tell me, next time, what will you do?”

  It was hard to answer that. Everything would be so different next time around. Lexi and I had a lifetime of history and memories. It was difficult for many reasons to cut those ties, to make the change from ‘how it is’ to ‘how it should be,’ and to overcome how wide that gap had become. In a way, I couldn’t imagine facing a harder confrontation. I also couldn’t fathom investing so much in a friendship again. Maybe, like in dating relationships, the first one was always the hardest.

  The upside to that? Maybe it was all downhill from here.

  “Next time… I won’t let it slide so long. This whole mess escalated because for years, I said nothing… I just bent over and took it again and again until I exploded. So next time, if there’s an issue, I’ll address it quickly, before it gets out of control.”

  He smiled softly at me. “That’s why I’m proud of you.”

  This time, I couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit of pleasure in his praise. It had been so long since anyone said they were proud of me. If a person like Vance could approve of my actions, maybe I had finally done something right… or at least something pointed in that general direction.

  I looked down while a warmth settled in my bones. Tonight hadn’t gone at all how I would have planned or hoped. But if it weren’t for Vance, I would be sitting alone in my room right now, wallowing in regret over another failure and analyzing it to death.

  He was right, it had been a big step for me. And he knew exactly what to say to help me focus on the positive while also turning it into something constructive.

  “Thank you,” I said, smiling sweetly. What did I ever do to deserve a friend like him?

  Something in his eyes changed. Coming from Vance, it was a look so new and confusing, I felt it burn slowly down my spine as he held my stare. My smile flickered awkwardly from the intensity of his gaze, but I was unable to look away.

  He scooted across the bench just a little bit closer and placed his hand over mine. The warmth radiated up my arm, offering me further comfort. Grateful for his support tonight, I accepted the friendly gesture and didn’t immediately pull away.

  Once he started leaning towards me, I couldn’t move. My eyes watched him, wide and curious. Despite what I was seeing, my brain couldn’t quite comprehend what was happening. That may sound ridiculous. I mean, it’s not like a boy had never come on to me before. No, at this point, you would think I’d be able to recognize the signs.

  But this was Vance, here. This couldn’t be what it looked like. He was my friend, not some guy that had just picked me up at a party. Vance making a pass at me had to be the very last thing I expected.

  My brain continued to reject reality, forming excuse after excuse over the span of a few short seconds, all while his face drew nearer to mine. As he slowly closed the distance between us, every denial evaporated one by one until only a single thought remained—I’m an effing idiot.

  Chest tight, I turned away from him to stare straight ahead. I needed to break the moment. He was going to ruin everything if he kissed me. How the hell was this even happening? It’s like we had switched places tonight… I was making progress while he was making stupid decisions.

  Even though I had turned away, I could see in my peripheral that he wasn’t pulling back. Every muscle in my body tensed, bracing for contact.

  At the very last second, my eyes fluttered closed, as he planted a soft, chaste kiss on the curve of my cheek.

  With the touch of his lips, heat expanded from that point to every inch of my skin. It had been so long… so long since I’d experienced the softness of a gentle kiss. Within seconds, my fingertips were tingling. My toes were curling. My heart was pounding so hard, I was convinced he could hear it. My body was reacting to him even though alarms were going off in my brain. Who knew such an innocent kiss could overwhelm me so completely?

  The atmosphere in the truck that had always been warm proved to be volatile tonight. The coldness that had hovered around Summer had been replaced with searing tension and uncertainty. Thank goodness for the darkness that hid my uncontrollable blush.

  “Sorry, I-” I can’t do this. You’re my coworker. You’re my friend. I thought you were safe. “I’m not ready.”

  He didn’t move back. He lightly tucked a stray curl behind my ear. “Don’t apologize,” he whispered. If he was disappointed by my rejection, I couldn’t sense it. There was peace in his voice… as much as could be detected in a whisper. I could feel him trying to capture my gaze but I still couldn’t look at him, fearful of what I might see, of what he might see. I realized his hand was still covering mine just as his other reached out.

  “I… I have to go.” I fumbled with my door until I was able to locate the handle and push it open. Gracelessly, I stumbled backwards onto the driveway and barely caught myself before I fell.

  I straightened and took a painful breath, unable to remember the last time I inhaled. Okay. Only a few more steps to the front door. If I could just get away, we could pretend this whole—

  “Rosie?”

  I hesitated a moment. So close to escape… so close!

  When I turned around, I had to react swiftly to catch the journal as he tossed it my way. Of course. How had I forgotten this thing? I eyed the book with contempt, holding it to blame for all my problems, past and present.

  The passenger door still hung wide open. An arm was casually thrown over the back of the seat where I’d just vacated. I didn’t know how he could seem so relaxed when inside I was experiencing some mild form of panic. He wore a new smile; a contented, dreamy-looking thing. Not a trace of hurt over my hasty exit could be found.

  “Good night,” he said simply.

  I bristled for a second, weirded out by the way he was looking at me. A wind must have picked up because I had to rub the chill out of my arms. “Night,” I called out, then turned and hurried into the house.

  From behind me, the sound of a faint chuckle was followed by the closing of the truck door.

  Chapter 19

  Overthinking

  “Swing Life Away” by Rise Against

  I couldn’t sleep.

  I kept mulling over a dozen different theories and thoughts about everything that had transpired tonight, the least of which was Lexi. In fact, she was hardly an afterthought now. Our confrontation had paled in comparison to those final moments in Vance’s truck.

  My intense reaction belied the tiny, innocent kiss he placed on my cheek, so much so that my own emotions confused me. I tried to tell myself it was just a friendly kiss, no big deal. But not even I believed that. He would’ve kissed me… really kissed me if I hadn’t turned away at the last second. He would have kissed me! Why? And who could’ve seen that coming?

  My immediate reaction was guilt. In fact, if I remembered correctly, t
he very first words out of my mouth were an apology. I knew firsthand what rejection felt like. Now poor Vance had to experience it after making his very first pass. He was a good guy. He didn’t deserve that. But he had totally caught me off guard tonight. I couldn’t help that I didn’t see him like that; he was just Vance, the goober. Vance, my goofy friend.

  Right?

  Okay. I may have misread things.

  Had I somehow led him on? Had I said or done something to open that door in our relationship? I thought of Smudgepot and the cabin afterwards, but hadn’t we chalked that up to meaningless drunken flirting? Hadn’t we agreed that nothing was going to change?

  And then he went and tried to kiss me out of the blue! What was up with that? He knew I’d done the casual hookup thing before, but I was surprised—as my friend and confidant—he’d want to take advantage himself.

  So what did that make me? A rebound? The first available female he could think of when he finally got around to embracing the single life? It didn’t sound like Vance, but after the stunt he tried to pull, I couldn’t rule anything out. It seemed to be congruent with how guys typically behaved. And that made my feelings transform from guilt into irritation. The boy had coerced me into trusting him, waited until I was vulnerable, clouded my judgment by saying he was proud of me and shit, then swooped in and made his move.

  Well, no thank you. I wanted no part in his game. I wasn’t just some lonely girl who was willing to… to…

  Lonely…

  Maybe he was lonely.

  Yes. That sounded most likely.

  He was missing his girlfriend and reaching out to me for comfort. It’s not that Vance actually liked me. The very thought made me chuckle out loud to myself. No. He’d had a girlfriend the entire time I’d known him, up until about two seconds ago. He was just lonely and confused.

  I understood. Really.

  But that didn’t make it okay.

  After hours of dwelling on a kiss that never happened, I decided the best thing to do was preserve the status quo. If this friendship was going to last (and I sure hoped it would), we’d have to figure out how to see eye to eye, and make sure that sure as hell didn’t happen again.

  As the clock read almost two in the morning, I sighed and turned over, missing my apathy. This was what happened when you got close to people. This was what I was trying to avoid.

  * * *

  That night I ended up climbing through Ricky’s window.

  I didn’t come to escape the fighting or the usual nightmares, but my brain still needed a little distraction—the kind of white noise I only found in Ricky’s bedroom.

  The lights were already out when I arrived. He helped me through the window, mute, unsteady, and reeking of whiskey. After we settled into our respective beds, he seemed to pass out immediately.

  But it wasn’t long before I could hear his restlessness. His breathing wasn’t deep and even like that of a peaceful sleeper. The beds shifted with every toss and turn. A pained moan sounded from below.

  He was having a nightmare.

  I bit my lip, hesitating. Would he be totally upset if I woke him up?

  Another anxious moan came and I quickly climbed down the wooden ladder.

  Ricky’s sleeping form was anything but peaceful tonight. His breathing was harsh, and his flushed skin glistened with a light layer of sweat as he thrashed about. There was something so wrong about the strong and fearless Ricky Storm being brought to his knees by a nightmare. But maybe the biggest dangers to us only existed in our own minds.

  I touched his shoulder, hoping that would help to calm him.

  “Vi?” he called out, still asleep. My heart broke at the tortured sound of his voice. If I could have absorbed his devastation, I would have. In a heartbeat. I just had no idea how.

  Without considering the consequences, I crawled into bed and wrapped my arms around him. Other than that night in the cabin, Ricky and I didn’t make a habit out of sharing a bed. But that night had been comforting to me, so I wanted to return the favor.

  I rested my head on his chest and tried to soothe him by running my fingertips up and down his arms. Unconsciously he pulled me closer. Within minutes, his pulse started to slow. Soon he fell back into a heavy sleep, and his breathing became deep and even at last.

  * * *

  “Rough night?”

  “Huh? Oh, snap.” Exhaustion and refilling duties did not mix well. It appeared the chocolate sprinkles were sufficiently stocked, oh, about 800 sprinkles ago.

  “I’d almost gotten used to seeing your pretty face again without those dark circles under your eyes,” said Gwen. “But they’re back.”

  I grumbled incoherently and cleaned up my mess.

  “Oh, wait a minute. Wasn’t yesterday Lexi’s birthday?”

  “That’s right.”

  “And how did the party go?”

  I exhaled sharply. “I got my journal back. Then I released my inner shrew and told her off.”

  “Are you serious?”

  I nodded and saluted no one in particular. “Happy birthday, bitch!”

  Gwen laughed. I just chewed my lip. It wasn’t funny, even after my talk with Vance, my conscience still felt a little guilty about it.

  “I would’ve loved to see that.”

  “Yeah, well, Vance and Summer got front row seats. They can fill you in.”

  “Vance came with you, huh?” she said with that smile that meant she was up to no good.

  I frowned. “Yes, and Summer.” In case she missed that part.

  She waved off my correction. “Summer goes were Vance goes. Vance went for you.”

  My eyes rolled. “Not this again.” The fever seemed to be spreading.

  “He’s so perfect for you, I’m just waiting for you to wake up and realize it.”

  My nose scrunched. Was she kidding, or did she really not see the irony in giving me relationship advice? “Perfect for me? How do you figure?”

  “He’s funny like Nathan, and attentive like Miles, except he’s not an asshole. Trust me. I know these things. My four-point-three GPA does not tell a lie.”

  “Yeah, a lot of good that does you, now,” I grumbled. Still backing up her logic with her high school report card? That’s just sad. After working her ass off for that GPA and getting accepted into Harvard, she ended up a townie with a maximum education of a high school diploma.

  A few silent seconds passed before I realized what I’d said. I groaned and rubbed my eyes. “I’m sorry Gwen. I didn’t mean that.”

  “Yes, you did. You were just too tired to use your verbal filter this time.”

  It was true. And she was far too perceptive to deny it. “Do you ever regret it? Giving up the dream? Staying here?”

  “With Hunter? No.”

  “But… you guys have broken up before. What if it happens again?”

  “Then we’ll get back together again,” she shrugged. “I love him.”

  “Even after…?”

  She sighed heavily and looked away from me. “Men are different from women, Scarlett. Sometimes in adult relationships, you have to learn to forgive. He just had to get it out of his system. It won’t happen again.”

  She meant to sound condescending, as if she knew so much better than me. All I heard were trite words and petty excuses. I wondered if she realized her relationship was no more a success than any of mine had been? I wasn’t the naïve one, not anymore.

  I couldn’t say I’d ever understand her affection for Hunter or her concept of love. Such unwavering devotion to someone so undeserving just seemed foolish and blind. But maybe Vance was right, maybe we didn’t have to let our differing opinions ruin our friendship. It didn’t change the fact that we all still needed support, now more than ever.

  Saved by the bell—the door chimed with new customers. We headed out into the storefront and worked together to serve them, and the subject was dropped. For the rest of the night, she didn’t bring up Vance again. That didn’t mean I wasn’t thinkin
g about him the whole time. Everything was bouncing around in my mind: our near-kiss last night, what Gwen said about us being perfect together, and what I was going to do when I saw him next.

  When our shifts were finally over, we went out to the parking lot to get into our separate cars. But when I walked outside I found something that caused me to pause… laid neatly against the windshield of my car was a single yellow rose.

  * * *

  I had to admit, the rose was pretty smooth. After all the time I spent last night and today worrying about what almost happened between me and Vance, he had gone out of his way to make his intentions clear with my favorite type of flower.

  The yellow rose meant friendship; that’s all I needed to know. It was sweet and there was something very… “Vance” about the simple gesture. I was no longer apprehensive to face him. We were going to be okay.

  That night, Cole and Summer invited everyone to come over and watch movies at their place, so when Gwen and I left work, we drove there separately. One good thing that came out of Gwen and Hunter’s breakup, however brief, was she made more of an effort to hang out with us outside of work. I was pretty sure she only came along when he was unavailable, but I’d take what I could get.

  “Gwen!” Summer greeted us at the door. She did not deliver a second personal greeting. In fact she hardly spared me a glance. “I just bought the cutest new shoes! Want to see?”

  “Duh!”

  While the two of them scampered off somewhere, I was left standing at the threshold, thinking, Uh, I’ll just let myself in. Thanks.

  Hesitant, I wandered in and took my time, looking around the extravagant Elliott home. It looked different since I’d been there last. All the accent pieces had been replaced with fall-themed items and colors. I wondered if they completely redecorated every season.

  I followed voices into the family room where Cole and Kiki were whispering to each other on the loveseat. It sounded like I caught the tail end of an argument.