by Riley Jean
I had only ever been to parties by the beach, and I hated those things. Getting dragged along by Lexi. Trying to catch someone’s interest so I wouldn’t be alone all night. The competition between girls. The fact that I never belonged…
But I wasn’t the shy little girl with blond curls that I once was. There was a tiger within me who wouldn’t be stopped by history or fear.
I supposed Ricky and I had hung out in public a few times now. He had played truth or dare with my friends for goodness sake; it was only fair to check out his turf.
So even though there were a hundred reasons why this was a bad idea, I was in.
* * *
This party was on the other side of the tracks, if you know what I mean.
Don’t get me wrong, San Dimas was a nice little city. Quiet. Low crime. But typical in that the bigger, newer homes were located on the north side of town, near the canyons and hills. The further south you traveled, San Dimas became more of an old western town: historical buildings, old fashioned lanterns in lieu of modern street lamps, even parlors and sidewalks made with wooden planks. Our city sign was proudly displayed on a covered wagon in the heart of Old Town San Dimas, across from a Boot Barn and a country line-dancing club.
Snobbier people might’ve turned their nose up at this area. But it wasn’t bad, it was charming. Quaint. I often wondered if my parents chose to settle down in San Dimas because it reminded my mama a little of home.
When we first walked in, Ricky disappeared to get us drinks, and I stood, taking in my surroundings.
The inside looked the same. Music blasting. Crowds of people talking and laughing. Always moving. But it was all a little less scary than it had been down by the beach. Most of the kids just looked like they were just here to unwind. There wasn’t an air of superiority like I’d always felt back then. Or maybe it was just me, like I had grown up and wasn’t intimidated by places like this anymore.
It’s funny how one little tilt of your mouth has the power to change everything. This wasn’t the first time I’d been the quiet girl parked in a corner. But now, without wearing even the shyest of smiles, I was something else entirely.
“Emo slut.”
…Rude.
I turned towards the bitter voice and was only slightly surprised to see it came from none other than Vance’s ex, Evelyn.
Any guilt I may have felt after our confrontation at Smudgepot was currently absent. Was I a slut? Well, that depended on your definition, and who you asked. A kissing slut, maybe. But it’d been eight whole months since these lips had seen any action, and despite my one rebound summer, I’d never gone past second base. She was just mad because of Vance and our stupid little stunt that wasn’t even real.
She checked out my outfit with a critical brow that reminded me so much of Lexi. Speaking of, Evelyn showed up tonight all dressed like some Lexi clone, with enough skin on display to get noticed for sure. She looked as ridiculous as I would have in those clothes. She wasn’t easy, Vance wouldn’t have dated her if she was. But she was undoubtedly here to get lucky, and she had the gall to call me names?
I shook my head and looked away, attempting to ignore her.
“I’ll bet Vance doesn’t even know you’re here,” she accused.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but Vance and I are just friends.” I probably shouldn’t have given her that information, but as much as I wanted to rub in her face how much he was over her, it would make us both look bad to let her believe that something was going on, considering I was in fact here without him.
“That’s too bad,” she tsked. “I’m here with someone anyway.” She turned and waved at some guy in a polo shirt with a popped collar. He was in a circle with others, but acknowledged her by lowering his aviators and winking. It creeped me out when guys wore opaque sunglasses. Shades had a purpose, but not at nighttime in a dimly lit home. Either he was aiming for the douche noodle look on purpose (nailed it!), or he was using a free pass to check out whoever he wanted without their knowledge.
Was she that desperate?
She made a show of giggling and blew him a kiss.
Guess so.
She was so obvious I almost felt sorry for her. She was playing a game that I had been familiar with since high school. And I knew better than anyone that there were no real winners. Obviously she had been out of the loop, given she’d had a boyfriend all those years, but did she honestly think people couldn’t detect a rebound when they saw one?
And how could she go from Vance to this creep? On cue, he smirked at her and jerked his head towards the hallway, gesturing towards the bedrooms.
“Looks like true love,” I scoffed.
Evelyn glared at me, then turned up her nose, fixing her facial features to be merely condescending. “It’s a good thing he’s not here anyway. This would have been painful for him.” She headed towards the loser, purposefully shoving her shoulder into mine as she flounced past.
“More like hilarious,” I mumbled, unable to help myself. No matter if things were complicated between us, Vance was still my friend and I had his back. She stiffened, revealing that my comment had indeed been loud enough, but thankfully continued to walk away.
Ricky chose that moment to return with my drink. “Hey, wasn’t that…”
“Yep,” I said, and tilted my cup to gulp down the beer. I didn’t take a breath until my cup was empty then wiped my mouth with the back of my wrist. (Sorry mama.) Tonight was supposed to be about getting space from the whole Vance thing. Not off to a great start so far.
“Do you dance?” I asked.
He arched one brow and gave me a look that said, seriously?
Okay. That would be a no.
“Fine. So what do you do at these things?” I asked and leaned against the wall behind me.
He shrugged. “There’s a band playing later. I know the drummer. You can meet them, if you want.”
I smiled widely at the first bit of good news all night. “I love live music!”
“I know.” He sipped his beer, his cool confidence in place.
Eyeing it in his hands, I wished I hadn’t finished mine so quickly. I definitely needed more where that came from.
Reading my mind, he took my empty red cup and disappeared into the kitchen again. Upon his return, I promised myself to nurse this one. The last thing I wanted was to get wasted and do something really stupid in front of him when he had been nice enough to invite me out.
“Come with me,” he stated and pulled me through the crowd and into the backyard.
The yard was huge, probably at least an acre. We sat on a swinging bench facing the house so we could still keep an eye on the party. The autumn night was perfect—warm with a slight breeze. Ricky pointed out the empty stage area where the band would be playing soon. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around my legs, content to sit and relax. He rested his ankle on a knee and lit a cigarette. The cherry glowed red in the darkness.
I decided I really liked being around Ricky. Not gonna lie, I was worried that things would be different in public. Our friendship had always been separate from real life, and I expected it to be an adjustment. But surprisingly it felt the same. I liked the companionable silence we usually fell into and how neither one of us felt the need to fill it.
Compared to Vance… hanging out with him usually resulted in him pulling information out of me, challenging my thoughts or pushing my buttons. It was like he held me to a higher standard, and it made me wish to be better so that I wouldn’t let him down. Ricky, on the other hand, was so damn apathetic that I felt no pressure to meet expectations or to pretend. I didn’t feel out of place or antisocial here like I had in college. Being around Ricky kept me grounded. He made me feel comfortable in my own skin.
Without preamble, I popped the cigarette from his mouth and pressed it to my lips. My old friends had smoked cigarettes occasionally (among other things), and I never had any desire to join them. But there was something about the way Ricky looked s
o natural with the little stick resting between two fingers that made me curious.
He watched my face with mild interest as I took a small inhale, praying I wouldn’t start coughing like an imbecile, then turned my face away and slowly blew out the smoke. My eyelids fell closed as a tiny buzz hit my system. Whoa. It tasted like fuzzy charcoal but it also made me little lightheaded. Vance would be pissed if he saw me now.
Ricky gently took the cigarette from my fingers and brought it back to his own mouth. “You’re going to turn your lungs black,” he smirked, then took another hit.
I smiled sweetly at him. “Then they’d match my heart.”
He shook his head as little puffs of smoke escaped his mouth. “Troublemaker.”
“Why did you want to bring me tonight?” I asked, feeling brave. I didn’t get the need to be around others just to sit in a corner. Lexi used to drag me to parties all the time, but she had gone to hookup with guys. I doubted Ricky wanted me here as his wingman. As if he needed one!
He was quiet for so long, I almost thought he wasn’t going to answer.
“I don’t know. Misery loves company, I guess.”
I turned to face him, surprised by his casual confession. “Are you miserable?”
He looked back at me, his eyes a deep and swirling charcoal. “Are you?”
Déjà vu stirred in my gut. The memory of a similar conversation a lifetime ago.
Back then I hadn’t known the answer. At that time in my life, I was a lot of things… lonely, confused, withdrawn. Not a whole lot had changed, and yet everything had changed.
I was now also miserable.
I didn’t answer his question, and Ricky didn’t press me again. We were both so vocally challenged, even alluding to our feelings was achievement enough. He had opened up to me tonight in a way I hadn’t expected. Without words, he told me that he understood, and that neither one of us had to be alone in our corners anymore. The gesture was small, but poignant.
I didn’t know how to express how much he meant to me, so instead I just rested my head on his shoulder. He did not reciprocate or acknowledge the contact, but I hoped he felt it. From one lonely, miserable heart to another.
* * *
Three figures entered into the backyard through the side gate carrying heavy instrument cases and equipment. They made several trips back and forth through the crowds to prepare the stage to play. My smile perked up. Finally: the band.
I bet Vance would have loved this, I thought. Then I cursed myself for thinking about him again.
“You wanna meet them?” Ricky asked.
I nodded, and he led me through the dark backyard where the clusters of people were gathering, towards the musicians who would play for us tonight. Until my feet involuntarily came to a halt.
Can a heart actually stop? I swear mine faltered.
I was vaguely aware of Ricky greeting someone, but I was too preoccupied to notice much of anything.
Because that’s when I came face-to-face with an old familiar friend.
A glint in his hazel eyes. A beanie over his shaggy hair.
Nathan Bentley.
The first boy I dated. The first boy I loved. The first boy who ripped my heart out and taught me that love was a dangerous thing.
That Nathan.
Even after all this time, just looking into his eyes again brought it all back. Why, oh why, hadn’t I learned my lesson after the first time?
Absolute horror written on my face, I just stood there, gaping like a fish. He appeared just as shocked to see me. His eyes bounced up, down and around like a fly trapped in a mason jar, taking in all my changes as I took in his. The uncomfortable silence stretched on to what could have been years.
“Ho… ly… shit…” he whispered.
My feet itched to turn around and run, to escape a situation I’d been dreading ever since moving home. Yet something deep down kept me rooted to the spot. It was no use; my past would always catch up to me.
Our stare-down was interrupted when I was enveloped into a gigantic hug. “Is that our Little Scarlett?” Phoenix shouted in my ear. I giggled when we he lifted my feet off the floor and spun me in a circle as if our time apart had never happened. No matter how anxious it made me to see Nathan after all this time, having Phoenix here too was like a breath of fresh air.
“It’s Scar now,” I smiled up at him when he set me down.
“Like an alter ego!” He grinned back and tugged lightly on one of my dark ringlets. “You look badass!”
The blond-haired boy was everybody’s best friend—fun, outgoing and adventurous. The free spirit out of our old high school clique. Phoenix earned his nickname after he drowned in a surfing accident and was miraculously resuscitated back to life. Since then, not a day passed that he didn’t live life to the absolute fullest. His recklessness had been scary at times, but his fearlessness had to be admired. He had been known to convince even the old Scarlett to let loose from time to time. He never had drama or a negative thing to say about anyone. Being around him was like a shot of positive energy. It was impossible not to like him.
“Where have you been hiding? We’ve missed you!” he squeezed me. I peeked over his shoulder and met Nathan’s eyes for a split second before I had to look away. I doubted everyone here felt the same about that sentiment.
Clearing my throat, I pulled back from him and smiled, trying to appear composed. “I’ve been around. I work with Gwen now. I’ve missed you too, Phoenix, how are you? Still drumming?”
“Hells yeah!” he shouted, then started striking the air with invisible drumsticks. “We’re playing tonight!”
I blinked, the pieces coming together just as I was engulfed in another hug.
“Wow! Scarlett Rossi!” Dirk husked in my ear. I’d been so engrossed in seeing Nathan that I hadn’t even noticed his best friends, Phoenix and Dirk, flanking him. They were all here, the whole testosterone half of our high school clique. I hadn’t seen any of them since graduation. Despite the edginess I felt around Nathan, I appreciated that the other two gave me warm welcomes.
“Look at you,” Dirk said. He released me from our hug, but held my hands out to the sides, appraising me. He cocked a devilish brow as his gaze traveled slowly from head to toes and then back. “A raven-haired beauty.”
Rolling my eyes, I playfully batted Dirk’s hands away and chuckled. The boy had it all in high school—money, looks, and a killer body courtesy of the varsity swim team. And he knew it. He was a helpless flirt and girls were defenseless against his games. All except me. I couldn’t care less about any of that stuff. I had fallen for his best friend, Nathan, because he made me laugh.
Between Nathan’s witty humor, Phoenix’s charm and Dirk’s sex appeal, they could have gotten any girl they wanted. Dropping its female members had surely been a smart move for the band.
“Oh, Dirk,” I teased with a shake of my head. “Still a heartbreaker, I see.”
He flashed his signature grin, taking that as a compliment. “Living the dream!”
I gave a sad smile. Life had changed so much for all of us. This year I had focused solely on moving forward, convinced there was nothing about the past or the old Scarlett worth missing. But right now I was coming dangerously close.
These three fun, hilarious, sweet boys starred in so many of my favorite memories. They had been great friends to me… before Nathan and I dated then broke up; before the guys became consumed in sex, drugs, and rock and roll; before Gwen became obsessed with her boyfriend; and before Lexi and I moved away. Once upon a time, we all had something really special that I believed would last forever. Instead of holding on, we let life rip it to shreds.
“So I guess you already know each other?” Ricky asked. I looked back and noted his small, amused smile. Ricky and I had been friends for years, but we never talked about specifics in our lives. Little did he know three of my closest friends from school manned the local band he brought me here to see.
“Small world,” I shrugged.
“Know her?” Phoenix pffed and slung an arm around my shoulder. “We’ve known this girl back before her hair was curly.”
“Hmm,” Ricky bemused, his half smile in place. Of course I had known Ricky the longest—practically since we moved to California—almost as long as Lexi, and my hair had never not been curly.
“Yeah, since before we were even Sock Philosophy,” Dirk broke in, throwing an arm around my other shoulder.
Standing there between my two old friends made me feel that old twinge again. Fine. I admit it—I missed them. But things could never go back to the way they used to be. These boys had chosen a different path, and despite everything, it would be heartbreaking to watch. Still, it meant a lot that no matter how much time had passed, no matter how much we all changed, they still considered me a friend.
“And whadduya know?” Phoenix clapped Nathan on the back. “Looks like Nate was right all along!”
I looked between them, unsure of what he was referring to. “Right about what?”
He waved off my question. “Hey! You should sing with us tonight!”
My face heated at the memories of playing in Dirk’s garage… Nathan and I staring into each other’s eyes and singing our hearts out about teenage angst, defiance, and seizing the moment…
I fell in love in that garage. And sharing a microphone with him again didn’t seem like a good idea at all. No matter how much time passed, it would always be too soon for that.
My gaze flickered to Nathan and away again. There was no way he’d want me to sing with them, either. We still hadn’t spoken a word to each other, even after our initial shock wore off. But an awkward truce was better than the bitter spite we shared after our breakup in high school.
I swallowed and plastered on a smile. “Thanks. But I just came to watch tonight.”
“Aw, come on Scar,” Phoenix tugged on a curl and tried to sway me. “Just one song? It’ll be kickass, just like old times.”
Dirk leaned in my other ear with his own attempt at persuasion. “This time I’ll let you share my microphone.”