by Riley Jean
“No.”
All eyes zeroed in on the annoyed person who finally broke his silence with his own snapped retort. Just like that, the old flames of bitterness were back. I knew he wasn’t just coming to my defense; his hard expression aimed right at yours truly said enough. I could almost read his thoughts by the coldness in his eyes—he didn’t want me there at all. These were his friends now, and this was his band’s territory.
Well, eff that. I’d been invited to this party and I wasn’t leaving.
“I can answer for myself, Nathan,” I spoke just as frostily. How quickly it was escalating just by a comment, a look. I’d been perfectly content to ignore one another and settle for an awkward dance around the elephant in the room. But it appeared that we were going to revert back into bitter exes instead.
Too bad for him, I wasn’t the timid little girl I used to be, or even the passive aggressive girl I became after our breakup. I knew how to stand up for myself now. And if he dared to open that stupid mouth of his, I was ready to dish it back.
“Cool your panties, Scarlett. I was just agreeing with you.”
Ugh! He knew it was one of my pet peeves when he said something insensitive then backpedaled with ‘sheesh, I was just kidding’—even though he totally wasn’t—making it seem like he did nothing wrong and I was just overreacting. He wasn’t fooling anyone. His sarcasm was too thick and his eyes were too arctic to believe it was a harmless comment. When the other boys met my eyes apologetically, I knew I wasn’t imagining things.
But I didn’t need their pity. I wasn’t a victim, I was a fighter. I could defend myself. So I lifted my chin and took it a step further. “No need to worry about my panties, Nathan. They’re cool enough with you around.”
Unaccustomed to my feistiness, Dirk and Phoenix laughed and goaded Nathan further. Having his best friends at my side made me feel wickedly powerful. As childish as it sounded, he started this. He made his distain clear when he could have just kept silent. I wouldn’t attack him like I had done to Lexi. But I wouldn’t let him get the final word in, either.
Nathan just smirked and made a vulgar gesture. “You forget how easily I could get you hot and wet, honey. One touch and you were like a fucking waterfall.”
Before I even had a chance to feel humiliated, Ricky stepped between us, shoving him square in the chest. “What did you just say to her?” he fumed.
“What’s wrong, man?” Nathan grinned darkly up at Ricky, foolishly happy to have gotten a rise out of him. “I thought you didn’t mind sharing.”
My mouth dropped open in indignation. Did he have a death wish?
“Hey, hey, heyyy,” Phoenix stepped between them and placed a hand on each chest. The two boys were prickling, standing at their full height, openly glaring at each other. What the hell was Nathan’s problem? Couldn’t we at least be civil for five minutes without spewing filth and hate?
“We’re all cool here, right guys?” Phoenix said, looking between the two. Phoenix had such a calming demeanor, it had the intended effect. The tension remained, but the danger slowly ebbed.
“Come on man, let’s go get ready for our first set,” Phoenix said. After a bit of coaxing, Nathan followed his friend, not tearing his defiant stare away from Ricky until the last second. When they passed me, Phoenix shrugged as if to say, “boys will be boys.” Nathan didn’t even look at me.
Before Dirk let me go, he leaned down and whispered in my ear. “Who’s the little heartbreaker, now?”
I rolled my eyes as he winked at me, then trailed after his band mates.
Me? A heartbreaker? Yeah. Right. I scoffed at the thought. Nathan didn’t want me. That’s why he ended things between us. He wanted his music and freedom and drugs. And he got what he wanted. So a broken heart had nothing to do with whatever grudge he was still holding onto.
“Little shit,” Ricky griped beside me. His eyes were tight and focused in the direction where the boys had disappeared.
“Sorry about that.” I rubbed my temples.
I was positive Ricky was having regrets about inviting me out in public now. It seemed as though we ran into drama everywhere we went together. Whether it was Lexi’s advancements, Summer’s disgust, Kiki’s swooning, Vance’s wariness, or Nathan’s… whatever the hell that was… no one ever just left him alone.
“What?” He looked down at me and shook his head. “No, that’s not your fault. That’s just how he is.”
My face scrunched doubtfully. That was not at all ‘just how he is.’ Ricky may have known the band, but I knew the real Nathan. He was always joking around and laughing. It was me that brought out this angry side.
“We had a falling out in high school,” I explained. “We never patched it up. That’s why he wouldn’t talk to me, and then why he was being an asshat.”
“It’s got nothing to do with you,” he insisted. “That guy has had it out for me for years.”
That was news to me. “Why?”
He shrugged. “It’s over a girl or something. Thinks I bagged his girlfriend.”
I blinked in surprise. “Did you?”
“I don’t know, kiddo. Bro’s nuts. Want another drink?”
I nodded, dismissing his explanation immediately. That couldn’t be it. Nathan never had girlfriends. Far as I knew, he never cared about anybody but himself.
We got our drinks and settled in in the back while the boys set up on the stage area. Dirk was adjusting his bass guitar straps when a circle of girls screamed out his name. He aimed his infamous grin right at them while he played a few chords to warm up. “Good evening ladies,” he purred into the microphone, which was followed by more hoots and howls. Then he addressed the entire backyard audience. “Everyone having a good time tonight?”
Another round of drunken shouts erupted.
Phoenix drummed a random beat, ending with a loud crash of cymbals. “We’re Sock Philosophy and this first song is dedicated to an old friend of ours!” He shot me a huge grin while the crowd cheered him on, and he twirled a drumstick between his fingers.
I blushed at the attention, but had to laugh. Phoenix always had a way of putting me at ease despite stress or nerves. It had been a long time since I’d heard them play together, so I was actually looking forward to it. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so bad after all.
That was until Nathan grabbed his mic, eyes also trained on me, and added, “It’s called… ‘Fuck Buddy.’”
He dropped his head, shaggy hair tumbling over his face, and started strumming a fast, wild beat. Phoenix and Dirk exchanged a confused glance, then jumped in like the semi-professionals they were.
As the lyrics began, he looked up and sang them right to me. Every word was filled to the brim with bitterness and betrayal. During our time together, we never really talked about our feelings because I was afraid of pushing him away. So many issues remained unresolved at the end because we couldn’t stand to be alone in a room together, much less communicate. Now he was bearing his soul in a way I never would have thought him capable. It was the most stunningly frightening performance I had ever witnessed.
The crowd roared, feeding off the waves of raw emotion pouring from center stage. To everyone else, he was just another musician full of presence and angst. To me, it was a bullet to the chest.
No doubt about it, the tenderhearted old Scarlett would have cried. As it was, even the new me felt close. This was personal and it brought everything with Nathan to the surface: my first love, our complicated relationship, his rejection, and the lie that Vance told me about only recently.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had been this hurt, this outraged at him. And I didn’t understand why. What in the world had I ever done to warrant this anger? Those words? He was the one who strung me along. He was the one who had dumped me. He was the one who invented that damn rumor! And now he was flaunting his hatred for me in front of an entire crowd of people.
I almost missed it when Ricky leapt from his seat. In a flash I rushed forward to s
top him.
He turned on me with a fierceness in his eyes that made me take a step back. “You were actually with him, weren’t you?” His question dripped with accusation.
I bit my lip, suddenly feeling like a child caught in a lie. But why would I have told him? Ricky and I never talked about relationships, or much of anything about our personal lives. I had no idea he even knew who Nathan was.
“Do you hear what the fuck he is saying right now?” he shouted after another line of crude lyrics. “Answer me now, Scar, were you with him or not?”
Now was not the time for technicalities. “It was a long time ago,” I pleaded, almost apologetically. “We were sixteen.”
“Sixteen?” He whispered, practically buzzing in disapproval. “You were only sixteen?” His eyes lost focus, his jaw locked, as if the very thought disgusted him beyond belief. I was no longer dealing with my gentle Ricky. He was livid and volatile—a dangerous combination.
I glanced back up to the stage just in time to see Nathan watching us with that damn vindictive smirk. That’s when I realized my mistake.
It took less than a second for Ricky to turn with the stage in his sights. I grabbed two fistfuls of his shirt, trying desperately to get his attention, but he was no longer seeing me next to him. I was fully aware of the kind of destruction Ricky was capable of in this state. I had never been angrier at Nathan, but if I didn’t stop Ricky, there was a high probability we were all about to witness his death.
I grabbed his chin roughly and got in his face. I had to get him to look at me, to hear me.
“Not like that!” I said, demanding eye contact. I only wished I had the calm and positive energy that Phoenix was so good at channeling. I moved my palms to his cheeks, my touch was gentle but firm. I just held on for dear life and hoped he’d assume my composure through osmosis.
He stared back with motionless intensity, his eyes empty of emotion yet somehow full of unspeakable threat at the same time. He was restraining himself for my sake. I could get through to him like this. I just had to make him believe me.
“I was with him, but not like that. We never slept together. Not even close.”
He said nothing. Didn’t move, besides the severe up and down of his shoulders. Had my words even penetrated? I just continued our eye contact and prayed it would break through to him somehow. Like a bull, his nostrils flared, his breathing was laborious. I was so nervous it hadn’t worked, I took it one step further.
“I’ve never slept with anyone.”
He blinked. His face softened into a mask of new, undecipherable thoughts. But it didn’t matter. At least the spell was broken.
And that’s when the music cut out and the final words of Nathan’s song blared from behind us…
“You’re not sorry and neither am I honey
Never mine, never thine, clandestine fuck buddy.”
* * *
Tonight had been a complete disaster.
In the span of one party, I ran into Vance’s first ex and mine, who both went for the throat like jilted lovers. I had no idea what to expect from seeing Nathan again after all this time. Certainly not that serenade from hell. And what was Evelyn even doing there? The girl had “expensive” written all over her; it didn’t seem like her kind of scene, to me. Nevertheless, it looked like she had joined the Vance-and-Scarlett rumor bandwagon, too.
I didn’t go looking for drama, but now that I had stopped avoiding everyone, drama was eager to catch up with me.
Somehow I’d been able to drag Ricky out of there without any bloodshed. I might have played up my distress a tad so he could focus on helping me leave instead of defending my honor. But let’s just say, it wasn’t much of a stretch for me to pretend.
Even though the party ended early for us, the night was far from over.
We went on a long motorcycle ride around town, and it was just what we both needed to cool down and gather our thoughts. I’d been unable to fully grasp the scope of all my social situations as of late. What was going on in my head? Vance. Summer. Gwen. Vance. Lexi. Evelyn. Vance. Ricky. Nathan. Vance… what was I going to do? I only wanted to be friends with him and nobody seemed to be listening to me.
Finally, Ricky brought me back home.
Just as I was getting off his motorcycle, my brother came stomping down the driveway, keys in hand. His eyes narrowed when he took in the scene… Ricky helping me off the back of his bike, my eyes pink and glazed as a donut. I was pretty sure this was the first time he had seen us together since we were all kids. I looked from James to Ricky, not knowing what to say.
“Get off my property, motherfucker,” James snarled and shoved passed us towards his car.
“James,” Ricky greeted, unaffected by his rudeness.
James’ car sputtered to life. He backed out of the driveway, on his way to who-knows-where. I apologized, but Ricky just waved me off.
We stood there in the driveway. His hands twisted absently on the handlebars, gazing off into nowhere. I looked down at my shoes, my arms wrapped around myself against the cold.
Well… weren’t we a pair.
After a full minute of silence, he kick-started his bike back to life.
“Ricky…” I stepped forward. He met my gaze, black silky hair blowing gently over his distant eyes. I chewed on the inside of my cheek for a few seconds, then a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth. “Fuck ‘em all.”
When his small smile appeared, I knew despite whatever chaos we ran into, we were going to be okay.
“Night, kiddo.”
* * *
[Past]
It felt like floating…
Gabriel liked me. He liked me!
ME!
I had fallen in love with an angel, and somehow, the angel was falling for me, too.
After so many months spent lonely and lost, I finally felt whole again. Everything about my life was better now that I had Gabriel. Waking up every morning excited to see him, making a little extra effort to look nice for him, at last feeling like I wasn’t some misfit… like I wasn’t alone in the world.
We spent hours getting to know one another. Long walks across campus. Deep conversations over coffee. He was a bit of a “pikey,” or well-traveled, and regaled me with stories of far off places. It seemed he’d been to every country from Ireland to Italy, to Scotland, to Spain, in addition to a handful of states in the last few years. Nevertheless, my favorites were always of the months he spent helping out at a ranch in San Antonio, Texas.
I shared my dreams with him and he listened to each and every detail with an understanding that transcended logic. I could listen to him speak all day long. He always knew just what to say to encourage me. One little comment and I felt special all day.
I’d felt it that first night we met—the connection. And I was right. It only intensified with time.
But besides a few sweet words and electric touches, he still had yet to kiss me.
After that classmate had called out my celibacy, I supposed I couldn’t blame him for being cautious. I was happy to let him be a gentleman and move at a snail’s pace if that’s what he wanted. As long as he kept looking at me in that way, I’d be happy.
That didn’t mean I wasn’t hopeful for the opportunity, though.
Tonight was the first time I’d invited him over. I had the dorm room all to myself for the evening and thought we might enjoy hanging out in a more comfortable setting, if you know what I mean. I was just doodling on the cover of my journal when he showed up ten minutes later with two chai tea lattes in hand, wearing a smile that rendered me lightheaded.
I sat on my bed sipping my latte while watching him move around the room. I could never get over how handsome he was. A rugged kind of attractive, all power and charm on the outside, hiding a mysterious heart within.
He studied the photos plastered all over Lexi’s wall, occasionally making comments or asking questions. He noticed that I seemed to be in a lot of them, but none that were recent.
; It was true, since college began, Lexi and I had been growing apart. Keeping Gabriel a secret was probably exacerbating the situation. But beyond my worry about her reaction to him, I found it interesting that she hadn’t even noticed my erratic mood shifts lately. I was pretty transparent when it came to my emotions, and I had gone from one extreme to the other twice since meeting him.
I supposed I couldn’t blame her, though. This week she was wrapped up in a new boyfriend. Most days she was gone. When she was at the dorm, she was rarely alone. Her outfit suggested she went out to a party last Friday night. She must have known I would decline, because she didn’t extend an invitation. I was fairly certain the guy she snuck in at the end of the night was different from the one she left with. It was for the best, because I didn’t like the way the first guy looked at me.
I struggled to remember the last time we spent quality time together, or shared an honest conversation. I knew she regretted picking me for a roommate. She was just trying to enjoy her college experience—partying, meeting people, and living it up—and I was nothing but a spoilsport. I just couldn’t bring myself to pretend for her anymore.
Though we were living in the same two-hundred square foot space, we had never been further apart.
Again I promised Gabriel that I’d introduce him to Lexi eventually. But right now just wasn’t the right time. She had a lot going on, and this thing between us was too new, and good. I was afraid that Lexi’s shallow view of relationships would taint it.
On another note, I also didn’t feel the need to flaunt our relationship. I knew how Gabriel felt and that was good enough for me. I had always been a private person. After Miles, showing off was more than out of my system. Lexi wanted everyone to know her business just so they would love or envy her, and that all seemed so disingenuous. So I guess, like with everything else, I just leaned in the other direction.
“I don’t understand your friendship with her,” said Gabriel with a disapproving frown.
He admitted that he had really been looking forward to giving her a piece of his mind about ditching me at parties. Friends needed to look out for one another, he said, and she needed to do a better job of taking care of his girl. I beamed when he called me his girl. The rest of his words went out the other ear. Even if I agreed with him about Lexi, what could I do? Her friendship was all I’d ever known.