Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

  “Just hear me out,” he took my hand, the rose resting between our fingers. “The first time I heard that song, I realized something… and I needed you to hear it just like that. Things are changing and I know you feel it, too. It’s like you’ve crawled inside me. You’re everything. I never imagined I could feel this way about another human being.”

  “Don’t,” I warned. His words had me all tied up in knots. This was too fast. Much too fast. What part of “casual” did he not understand? We weren’t supposed to think long-term or talk about our feelings. Things were working out just fine without it.

  I should have known all along that when it came to Vance Holloway, boundaries were meant to be breached.

  “Shh,” he softly cooed, using his other hand to lift my chin. I was too stunned to protest, or move at all. The intensity of his gaze had me frozen in place. It barely made him hesitate. “I need to say this because I believe it. I believe our lives were meant to be entwined. I believe every single thing that’s happened this year has been leading us to this point. I believe you’re it for me. And that even though you’re afraid, things are going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. Because, Rosie, I…” he started, flickering between my eyes, “I’m in love with you.”

  All the breath left my body in a rush.

  I shut my lids tightly, but it did nothing to drown out the sound of his heartfelt declaration echoing between my ears.

  Vance is in love with me.

  There was no going back now.

  A torrent of emotion cascaded down on me, as demanding as death. Guilt that he had fallen for a girl he didn’t know. Fear that I would hurt him. Anger that he couldn’t leave well enough alone. Confusion that I couldn’t come to terms with how I actually felt in return. Memories of haunting blue eyes… A handful of everything running amok inside me.

  There was also a bit of jubilation at his words—I’d be a liar to deny it. But for a girl addicted to the feeling of being wanted, I had to wonder if I was still just trying to justify my own worth with a man’s affection, or if it was my true feelings for Vance that made my heart beat a little faster.

  If a shot of vodka represented my craving to be desired, being loved was like a straight bottle of Absinthe. That’s right… hallucination was the only logical explanation that a boy like Vance could love a girl like me. But was I in love with this man before me, baring his soul? Or was I just high on being the object of his desire? Even looking into his eyes, I couldn’t figure it out for sure. I had feelings for him, but there was still conflict within me. I was unprepared to respond.

  “You don’t have to say it back,” he assured me. “I just wanted you to know.”

  “But…” I scrambled for a response… some argument or excuse. “But we’re not even…” I finished off the sentence with a gesture, hardly able to verbalize the fact that the girl he just declared his love to wouldn’t even acknowledge their relationship enough to give it a proper title.

  He nodded, smiling sadly. “That’s okay.”

  But it wasn’t okay. Even if he’d convinced himself he was happy with the way things were, he was settling and I couldn’t let him do that.

  “Vance,” I started, then bowed my head, lost and not knowing where to go from there.

  “Don’t be afraid. Not of me,” he said, tucking the veil of hair away from my face. “I’m not asking for more. I get to fall asleep at night, holding you in my arms. I get to sing with you, laugh with you. You’re supportive of who I am and my goals. That’s all I need. And I don’t care who does or doesn’t know it, I just need you to know how I feel. I’ll wait for you as long as it takes, Rosie. As long as you need to figure things out. Because I love you, to the moon—no, further—to the stars.” After a moment of giving me his softest smile, he cradled my face in his hands and guided my mouth to his.

  The honorable thing to do in this situation would be to stop him. To tell him we shouldn’t do this anymore because I couldn’t feel the same. To put an end to this arrangement because after tonight we were no longer abiding by the rules. Once this degree of feeling was involved, there was no hope for either one of us to escape unscathed.

  As it was though, I wasn’t an honorable person.

  My selfish lips kissed him back, drinking him in and whispering everything that I wasn’t capable of forming into words.

  Kisses from Vance had always been my kryptonite. He knew how to get me worked up and how to soothe me, and the tenderness he displayed tonight showed me how attuned he was to my needs. It could have just been my imagination, but with love on his lips, he tasted even sweeter.

  He played on that little part of me that was thrilled, and that part stretched and expanded until it demanded everything else to shut up. It made me want to take all my fears, tie them to a helium balloon, and let them float away.

  But they were still there, just waiting inside the walls. Just waiting.

  He slid his hand to the base of my neck to pull me closer. Darkness crept in, and I reluctantly broke away from him.

  “I’m sorry,” I choked out, eyes lowered. “Please Vance. You can’t love me, you can’t—”

  “It’s okay,” he hushed me, placing a light kiss on each cheek. “This is enough. This is enough for me.” And his lips found mine again.

  Chapter 31

  Trust

  “Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner” by Fall Out Boy

  Vance’s declaration had changed everything.

  Of course we had to hit the brakes. What did he expect? Sure, I compromised a little on the extravagant date and the public affection. But this was in direct violation of our rule to live in the moment. With this level of emotion involved, the risk of someone getting hurt just became a foregone conclusion.

  Exactly what this looked like for us going forward… I had no clue.

  The next evening I arrived at Vance’s condo to find the door already half open. Weird. Had he accidently left it unlatched? …Or was he just anxious to get me inside so he could get his hands on me? I took a deep breath and stifled my giddy grin. I came here to have a conversation. He couldn’t keep violating all my rules without facing the consequences.

  We were hitting the brakes. Definitely hitting the brakes.

  With renewed determination, I knocked and pushed it open the rest of the way.

  Two steps in, I was brought to a halt by quite a compromising scene. At first glance, it was a couple embracing in the entryway. They looked up at me and froze. A closer look revealed Evelyn in a tight pink top with no straps. She was holding on to Vance. His hands were on her bare shoulders.

  I blinked in disbelief. What the hell had I walked into? August?

  “Oops,” Evelyn sang, a smug-ass smirk on her pretty little face. “We weren’t expecting anyone.”

  My expression was blank, still processing the couple in front of me. It looked bad. It really did. But it took all of three seconds to pick up the subtleties of the situation. It was in the way Vance stood in a defensive position, his hands not holding her, but pushing her away. And the way his expression held irritation, but not an ounce of guilt.

  Most importantly, it was in the way I knew Vance. He wouldn’t do this. Especially now.

  “Rosie, I swear—”

  I held up my hand to stop him. Unfortunately, life had taught me what a cheating bastard looked like. It had also taught me what a conniving bitch looked like. This wasn’t difficult to figure out.

  Whatever was going on here, I wouldn’t leave Vance to deal with it alone. He was free to choose her if he that’s what he wanted, but she wasn’t free to dig her claws into my friend against his will. Evelyn wasn’t going to scare me away with her little rookie games. If she wanted to play dirty, she was going to lose.

  I was taking a chance here, because if it turned out I was wrong, I was about to look really, really stupid.

  I walked back to the front door and opened it wide. Then I looked to Evelyn. “We were going to make out for a couple hours. Do you mind?”
Bitch.

  Her face pinched, and she took a hasty step away from Vance. Both their arms fell straight at their own sides.

  I couldn’t help myself… I grinned. It probably looked pretty damn evil right then. But the situation was so ridiculous, she was lucky I didn’t just laugh in her face. I may have been Lexi’s opposite in a million ways. That didn’t mean I hadn’t picked up a thing or two over the years. Everyone should know how to stand up to mean girls.

  “What is this?” she demanded, glancing between the two of us. “Some kind of rebound?”

  I openly scoffed. Was she seriously here to mock Vance for rebounding? Should I bring up the douche noodle from the party last month?

  “It’s not a rebound,” Vance declared through his teeth.

  “You and emo girl?” Evelyn shook her head and forced a laugh, refusing to believe his words. “You can’t be serious. Because I gotta say—”

  “I love her!” Vance shouted. His proclamation echoed off the walls and was chased away by the silence of an empty room. It wasn’t spiteful, defensive or apologetic. He just sounded… firm. As if, amidst all the confusion, complications, and doubts between us, this was the one thing he knew for certain.

  To hear those words from his lips with such conviction invoked that pang again, sending a thrill straight through me. Sure it dredged up the same old fears, too, but among all that, there was warmth.

  And yet, as I looked back and forth between them and the quiet stretched, it felt like I was intruding on a private moment. They had a history I knew little about. All I did know was that he had loved this girl for four years. How could he stand here, hardly two months after they had broken up, and confess his love for someone else? Especially for a girl as unstable as me?

  I felt undeserving of his proclamation. I wasn’t his girlfriend, I could scarcely even return his feelings. It was obvious she still cared for him and wanted to protect him. I couldn’t even blame her for that.

  “Oh, Vance. Already?” she asked. I could tell she meant to sound demeaning, but her voice cracked, betraying her tough front.

  His eyes bounced between hers, clearly noticing her struggle to blink away the emotions. After four years together, he certainly saw it. It must have been instinct to pull her into his arms, to comfort her, to apologize for hurting her, and promise that everything was going to be okay.

  But he didn’t do that.

  Unmoving, he met her gaze and answered, “Yes.”

  Rejected, she made quick strides towards the door in a huff. I might’ve heard her sniffle, too. Vance came to stand next to me and together we watched her stomp away.

  Just when I thought it was over, she stopped on the porch and spun towards us with crazy eyes. “You can’t trust her Vance,” she fumed, pointing a perfectly manicured finger at me. “She’s just another one of Ricky Storm’s sluts. I saw them together. At a party. Disappearing into a bedroom.”

  My jaw dropped indignantly. What an effing liar! A cat fight worthy of MTV wasn’t my normal style, but right now I was seriously tempted.

  Vance stiffened beside me. Ricky had been a slightly delicate situation. But I’d been honest about him. And luckily Vance believed me too.

  “Don’t ever call her that,” he warned in a voice I rarely heard him use. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  Evelyn laughed darkly. “Are you that naïve? They’ve been showing up to every party south of the railroad tracks. He almost punched the singer from Sock Philosophy just for looking at her.” She turned her accusing eyes on me, challenging me to dispute it. “Isn’t that right?”

  Don’t hit her. Don’t hit her. “Ricky and I are just friends.”

  “That’s funny. When you were with Ricky, you said the same thing about Vance.”

  My eyes narrowed. Forget what I said before about not fighting. I was two seconds away from smacking this girl.

  She turned her eyes back to Vance, now looking contrite. “I know we’re not together, but I still care about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  “Then stay out of this. Don’t come over and try to start trouble,” he reasoned.

  “I know you,” she pleaded. A last-ditch effort. “You aren’t thinking clearly after our break. I wanted to give you time, to let you get this out of your system. But you can’t expect me to wait around forever.”

  He shook his head patiently. “I’m not asking you to wait.”

  Then he looked at me with the softest expression I’d ever seen. His green eyes held his feelings for me, his hope in us, and his thankfulness for my trust. He knew I could’ve run out of there when I caught them together, and left him to deal with Evelyn on his own. But I didn’t even consider it. Instead, I stood by his side and we did it together.

  Holding our gaze, he lifted my hand a placed a feathery soft kiss on my knuckles. “I’ve already found what I’m looking for.”

  My knees turned to Jell-o.

  When we finally looked to the front door, it still hung wide open, but Evelyn was long gone.

  * * *

  Maybe I should have let Vance’s confession change the game. But I didn’t. Admittedly I was in denial at the very beginning, mostly due to my rocky relationship history and residual trust issues. But was I really surprised that Vance was falling in love with me? I knew it before he said it. Didn’t I? Somewhere between the pancakes and the roses, the smiles and the heart-to-hearts, I came to comprehend the depth of his feelings for me. I knew. From my experience, an insignificant fling doesn’t bring a grown man to his knees.

  Chalk it up to insanity and clouded judgment, but I believed him. Vance was the real deal. I understood enough of the good and bad in this world to recognize a genuine soul when I saw one, even if I didn’t know what to do with that knowledge.

  Our feelings didn’t perfectly align, but do they ever? We knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into. I knew how he felt just as he was aware of my feelings. Was it selfish of me to continue on, using him, knowing we had reached this stalemate? Yes. Yes it was. But if he wasn’t going to insist we change the rules of the game, why should I?

  For a long time after Evelyn left, we sat on the couch staring at who-knows-what on television. Not kissing. Not touching. Not talking. I didn’t know why it felt so awkward all of a sudden.

  I snuck a couple glances at Vance. He seemed to be staring blankly ahead as well, lost in thought. I couldn’t help but wonder if he regretted anything about what just happened. Drama wasn’t his usual style, and once again I turned it into a mess. What was he thinking? And why was he so quiet? It was strange. And for once I didn’t like it.

  “That must have been difficult for her,” I broke the silence.

  He shifted, but remained facing forward. “She shouldn’t be surprised. I told her I wanted you a long time ago.”

  “How would she have known anything came of it? For all anyone knows, you’re still single.”

  A furrow formed between his brows. He nodded.

  “It’s a shock,” I explained. “How would you feel if you saw her with another guy for the first time?”

  “Sympathy, for the poor dope.”

  I elbowed him in the gut, and he chuckled.

  “Besides,” I continued, “she likes control, right? If she acknowledged that she knew you liked me, it would have taken away all her power.”

  He shook his head as a small smile appeared. “I forgot you speak girl,” he remarked.

  “On occasion,” I admitted. “It’s a difficult language, but I’m happy to translate for you.”

  His eyes dropped. “You didn’t want anyone to know…”

  “Is that what you’re worried about?” I smiled reassuringly. “I don’t care about Evelyn. She’ll be too humiliated to tell anyone. Besides, I wasn’t going to let her say those things and not have your back.”

  At last he looked me in the eye. “I didn’t invite her over,” he announced. “I thought it was you and I let her in. She showed up right before�
�”

  “I believe you,” I shrugged. I didn’t really need the explanation, it was easy enough to figure out. And it wasn’t like we hadn’t faced drama with my exes before.

  Still, he appeared to be mulling something over.

  “You didn’t even… I mean, I’m glad but…”

  Perplexed, I watched as he struggled for words. What did he want? For me to be jealous? I knew exactly what was going on right away. And technically, he wasn’t even mine. Per our rules, he was free to do whatever he wanted. He could have slept with Evelyn for old time’s sake, he could be out hooking up with any girl he wanted, and I wouldn’t have given him a bit of grief about it. I gave up my right to demand details when I refused to be his girlfriend.

  Yet, despite that, Vance had never given me a reason to doubt his word or his commitment. He was free to do whatever he chose, and yet he chose faithfulness. It made him all the more trustworthy.

  “I know what happened with Miles… I know he cheated. And I know the way this started was unusual. But I would never do that.”

  We were both turned to face each other now, the crutch of the television forgotten. “You’re nothing like Miles. I know you wouldn’t cheat. But you know… you can do whatever you want, Vance.”

  He nodded. He acknowledged that we didn’t belong to one another, and that this wasn’t an exclusive relationship. That didn’t mean he accepted it. “She wanted one last night together, she said.”

  I knew it. “Do you want her?”

  “No.”

  I knew that, too.

  “I won’t sleep with you, if that’s what you’re holding out for…”

  “It’s not,” he insisted. “To be honest, sex is what complicated our relationship. That’s when she became demanding. We were young, we rushed into it and I’m not in any hurry to repeat that.”

  I nodded numbly. “But how long do you think you’ll be satisfied without it?”

  “You’re not the only one with boundaries, Rosie.”

  “You say that now.” I fiddled with the corner of a pillow. He said he respected my decision to wait and I believed him. But it was one thing to consider celibacy, and another thing to live it. “You’re going to want it. Once you’ve had it, it’s hard not to. That’s what happened with Miles. He liked the idea of dating a virgin initially… he put me on a pedestal, too. Then eventually it represented a challenge. He started to get frustrated when I didn’t give in. But he found a way to stay with me and still get his rocks off. Adapt and persevere.” I rolled my eyes. “So I’m telling you up front, it’s not going to happen.”