Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

  “Ice?”

  “Yes please. I’m thirsty.”

  He just blinked at me. I doubted I was going to get anymore of a response, so I pulled him out of the car and hoped he’d go along with it.

  The Storm kitchen might have seen better days, but if so, it was long before I ever knew him. Empty bottles were littered across the counter. The tiles were chipped and stained. Nearly two decades worth of sun exposure had aged and yellowed the floral curtains. Only one picture hung on the wall portraying a happy family of four. Young Ricky’s gray eyes twinkled with laughter, his wide grin revealed two missing front teeth.

  I prepared an ice pack, hoping it would relieve some of the swelling, and brought it to Ricky’s cheek. He sucked in a sharp breath when the cold touched his tender skin, his eyes falling shut.

  “Whoa,” he murmured.

  Okay… Weird reaction. But better than the “F” word. Progress.

  I kept the ice pack on his face and applied gentle pressure. When he opened his eyes I smiled, warm and friendly, trying to prevent rehashing his anger. I could always berate him for starting fights tomorrow, when he was sober and less of a jerk.

  It seemed to be working. I was no longer dealing with an angry drunk, but a mellow and subdued Ricky.

  He looked at me with barely lucid clarity and lifted his hand, presenting something tiny in his palm. My brows came together. A pill? I tried to ask what it was but a glossy smile was his only response.

  It took me by surprise when he lifted his free palm to my cheek, mirroring my stance. I didn’t dare move as his fingers touched me tenderly.

  “Scarlett,” he whispered through the haze. It was rare that Ricky called me by my full name, just the sound of it felt like a caress.

  I stood still as he explored my face, like a blind man might see a sculpture. Ricky had never touched me like this before. His expression softened even further when he brushed a thumb along my dimple.

  I knew in my mind that he was still drunk, but I couldn’t resist getting lost in the depth of his gray eyes. There was no longer anger in them. They were glazed over, but soft, as evidence he recognized me. He lifted a second hand and studied every inch of my face with all ten fingers… tracing the shape of my cheek, my chin, my nose, my eyebrows. The tiny pill fell to the floor.

  As his thumb grazed my bottom lip, I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch. I kept trying to remind myself that he was intoxicated, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. He was being so sweet, and the newness of his touch piqued my curiosity.

  I much preferred him like this than stoic. And what I saw in his face now wasn’t the notorious Ricky Storm. He wasn’t angry and violent, nor sexy and scandalous. He wasn’t even the brotherly figure I had come to know. He was in a chemically altered state, driven by something other than common sense. And he was taking me along for the ride.

  Ever so gently, he dipped and brought his mouth to mine. I didn’t move. I just closed my eyes and let him kiss me. His lips were soft and gentle, applying just the slightest pressure.

  A kiss from Ricky Storm wasn’t like anything I would have imagined. It was sweet and chaste. Only lips. Even drunk, he was able to show me this tender side that nobody else got to see. The world had Ricky Storm, the brooding artist with his sexy tattoos and wicked smirk. I had his small smiles and his sweet kisses. And as far as I was concerned, it was so much better.

  Who cared if I was the only one who believed it? That had never stopped me before.

  * * *

  “Ricky kissed me.”

  I came straight here. I had to.

  Through the worry of learning about Ricky’s fight, the guilt from avoiding him, and the kiss that occurred in the middle of his kitchen, not once had I stopped to consider Vance. But the instant I left Ricky’s house, he was all I could think about. I messed up. Big time. And there was no magic undo button. All that mattered was getting to him and telling him the truth.

  Vance stood in the doorway, his smile locked in place. “You… what?”

  My words fell out it a hasty, jumbled mess. “He was drunk and got into a fight and needed a ride home and I was just going to clean him up and put him to bed when…” I shut my mouth. No need to add too much color to that picture.

  At last his smile dissolved into thin air. “You kissed Ricky?” His voice rose an octave higher than normal. Well, that hadn’t been exactly what I said. But I could see that the instigator of the kiss wouldn’t matter so much to him at this time. “Why?”

  I shrugged, aiming for impassive. Maybe it would rub off on him. “It was no big deal.”

  “No big deal?” he repeated, voice lowering. My strategy appeared to have the opposite effect. “And is that how you see me too, no big deal?”

  I glared at him. Of course Vance meant a great deal to me. But the way he asked that question only made me defensive. I met his gaze unflinching, obstinate brown eyes to green. “Look Vance, I really don’t need you to get possessive on me right now. I’m here because we have an agreement to be honest. So, there you go.”

  I turned away, but he grabbed my hand to stop me from leaving.

  “Is this some kind of joke?”

  “Who in the world would find this funny?”

  He looked lost, searching for any possible excuse or reason for my actions, but coming up empty.

  “You said it wasn’t like that,” he said, looking anxiously at my face. “You said he was like your brother.”

  “I know,” I dropped my gaze. Ricky had always been like family to me. But he wasn’t blood. And I was only human. He had kissed me tonight, and I hadn’t stopped him. “It wasn’t a real kiss, if that makes a difference. It was short and sweet. He probably won’t even remember it tomorrow.”

  He stared at my lips and shook his head. “He couldn’t forget something like that.”

  “Yeah, well, you didn’t see him tonight. He was drunk and really upset. I’ve been avoiding him for over a month. And he just got into a fight and—”

  “Why the hell were you alone with him?”

  I balked at his tone. “He needed a ride. I couldn’t just leave him stranded there.”

  “You could have called me. I would have gone with you.”

  My eyes rolled. “I can handle Ricky.”

  “Yeah. Apparently you can,” he tossed back.

  Okay. Enough of this. I leaned into his face and spoke low and serious. “You know what you’re being right now? A jealous boyfriend. Remember, Vance, I. Am. Not. Your girlfriend.”

  “Then what are we, exactly? Because I sure as hell don’t know anymore. I was under the impression we were friends, first and foremost. But friends don’t treat each other like this!”

  I almost laughed that he was trying to pull out the friend card with this one. “Is that so? By all means, enlighten me how is a friend supposed to behave in this situation?”

  “Maybe like you give a damn.”

  He was right, of course. And deep down, I did give a damn. But it was obscured behind a wall of brick and mortar.

  I was hesitant to give him the assurance he needed. Per our rules, I hadn’t done anything wrong. We weren’t exclusive and I was immediately honest about what had happened. But if I came off as apologetic, if I told him how Ricky’s kiss couldn’t even compare to his, if I admitted how guilty I felt for letting it happen, I was afraid our lines would become even more blurred. I didn’t blame him for being mad. Still, I couldn’t let his feelings of jealousy dictate our relationship.

  Maybe, just maybe this would penetrate his thick skull, and he’d realize once and for all that this wasn’t worth it.

  The ball was in my court to ever get this relationship off the ground. But the power to end it… that belonged to Vance alone.

  “I know what you’re doing,” he said, narrowing his eyes at me. “You didn’t have to go about it like this.”

  I blinked. “Like what?”

  “I said I love you and it freaked you out. Now you’re going for sabo
tage. Well I’m on to your games, Scarlett. And it’s not gonna work.”

  Sabotage? I didn’t see how that was possible when I wasn’t even thinking about him when Ricky kissed me. I thought it best to spare him that detail.

  “There’s no game,” I said without rancor. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Vance. This is just all I can offer you right now.”

  * * *

  Ricky: party at Farrell’s tonight. please come.

  I immediately texted him back that I would be there, then tossed the phone in my purse. I was determined to get things back to normal and a party was just the way to do it. I wasn’t going to let one silly drunken kiss ruin my two closest friendships. I would show up alright, but this time, Vance was coming with me.

  Recipe for disaster? Probably. But I couldn’t keep ignoring Ricky, nor could I go out again and leave Vance at home. It was the best I could come up with.

  Last night had been a mess. Ricky had picked a fight, then gotten mad at me, then we ended up kissing. I wasn’t even thinking clearly when it happened and I definitely hadn’t intended to hurt Vance like that. It was just the kind of crap I was capable of right now, with my thoughts and feelings all out of whack. Vance was pissed that I let it happen and quite honestly, I couldn’t blame him. Deep down, I hoped he was paying attention.

  I led Vance inside, looking around at the familiar sea of strangers. This was our thing, Ricky and me—people watching, a couple drinks, unwinding. I was fairly confident that the kiss between us was long forgotten. It truly didn’t mean anything, and I wanted Vance to see that.

  I asked a couple guys that looked vaguely familiar if they’d seen Ricky Storm. They pointed me in the right direction.

  A weird feeling hit me soon as I walked in the room. A prickly sensation on the back of my neck like something wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t like being watched… it was more of an unwanted presence. Like something was telling me I shouldn’t be there.

  I should have listened.

  I found Ricky, alright. I could tell it was him by the silky black hair framing his face, and the shiner fully bloomed on his cheekbone.

  But he wasn’t alone.

  He was wrapped in the long, lean arms of a girl with bleach-blond hair and a pink butterfly tattoo on her lower back.

  Lexi.

  The scene stopped me cold. My chest tightened but I was unable to look away. Why did I feel like that? I had no reason or right to feel… what did I feel? Jealousy? Betrayal? It made no sense. I was being stupid. So, so stupid. Ricky wasn’t mine. He could hookup with whoever he wanted. This was who he was. It’d been going on the entire time I had known him. And hadn’t I done the same with Vance? It was none of my business. Why did I even care?

  Why?

  When his gray eyes slowly peeled open and met my stare, I released a startled gasp. For eyes that looked like they could barely focus, they had me pinned in place, flat yet packed with incredible emotion. Then he blinked. Hard. And it became my number one goal in life to get the hell outta there before his eyes opened again.

  Without thinking, I turned and ran from the room, ran from Ricky and the girl in his arms, ran from Vance and the inevitable “I told you so,” bypassing anyone who crossed my path. All I cared about was getting out of that house.

  Once I reached the front yard, I groaned and dropped my head into my hands, breathing humiliation in and out. Why did I just do that? Fled from the room like a dramatic soap opera? Made a scene like some jilted ex-lover? I was such an idiot.

  But why would he do that? With Lexi, of all people? Was it some sort of payback? It just seemed cruel. He invited me here. I texted him back. I told him I would come.

  I took out my phone to glance at the proof. But when I pulled up the text, a little red “X” appeared next to the message.

  The text had failed.

  I stared at the screen, struggling to understand the dull ache in my chest. He must’ve thought I ignored his text again and assumed I wasn’t coming. He hadn’t expected to see me tonight. So he chose to be with someone else. He chose Lexi.

  But I hadn’t ditched him tonight. I was here. And he saw.

  This was not to say I wanted him to chase after me.

  But he didn’t chase after me.

  * * *

  I was already a few houses away. The music had grown faint and the street was empty of bodies. In my solitude, I leaned against the charcoal truck and gazed up at the dark, infinite sky.

  In a world of constant changes, I could always depend on the stars. Even though they were sometimes blocked by clouds or outshined by city lights, they were always there, steadfast. No matter what heartbreak and trauma and chaos the universe threw at us, those brilliant specks of light would always be beautiful.

  I could tell it was Vance approaching by the way the gravel crunched beneath his shoes.

  “You here to say ‘I told you so’? Because I’m seriously not in the mood.” I smiled to lighten the statement, but my tired eyes didn’t waver from the sky.

  “No,” he said softly. “I’m here because it looks like you need a friend.” He leaned against the truck, sidled up next to me so that our sides were touching down the length of our bodies. I didn’t even protest; it was chilly and damn, I needed the contact.

  He crossed his ankles and joined me in my upward gaze. We both watched the stars twinkling in the sky above us as a few soft clouds floated by. He nudged me playfully with his shoulder and it made me smile. Somehow he always knew how to make me smile, even if it was a sad one. I inhaled deeply, and breathed out all the confusion and frustration of the night.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” I interrupted our silence, “And you’re right… I always gravitate towards people who hurt me. And here you are—the perfect freaking guy, and I’m taking it for granted. But you know something? You do the same thing, Vance. First with Evelyn, and now me. You could have anyone you want, yet you choose women who do nothing but use you. So maybe we’re both screwed up.”

  At first he didn’t respond. I wished he would. I wished he’d tell me I deserved to hurt. Maybe even call me a few names. I had plenty in mind to suggest. But of course, it was too much to hope for.

  “You like him?” he spoke at last. It was an actual question this time, instead of an accusation. We were both still looking up at the night sky, so it was easier to speak freely.

  “What does it matter? He doesn’t want me. Not like that.”

  “You should still come to terms with your own feelings.”

  I shifted, still trying to work through my confusion. I didn’t think I had those kinds of feelings for Ricky. But then why did it feel like a punch to the gut seeing him with someone else? Especially after I walked in on Vance and Evelyn and felt almost nothing? Utterly nonsensical.

  “I don’t know, Vance. Sometimes, girls just don’t know what they want.”

  He paused. “Yeah. I’ve figured out that much.”

  “He’s my friend… he’s always been my friend. We’ve never been anything more. That stupid kiss didn’t mean anything to me. But when I saw him with Lexi tonight… It hurts and I don’t understand why. It feels like I lost him when he was never mine, you know?”

  It took him a minute to answer. His feet uncrossed, the rocks beneath us shifting. Then, “Yeah. I know.”

  “It’s like, am I so pathetic that I feel rejected, if I don’t even want him myself?”

  He chuckled, but it was absent of his usual warmth. “Yeah. That doesn’t make much sense.”

  “Girls can craft anything to make sense in their heads, you know.”

  We were quiet for a while, and then he sighed. “Sometimes the head and the heart want different things. Maybe you’re confused because you feel the conflict.”

  I almost couldn’t believe my ears.

  I glanced at him quickly before returning wide eyes to the sky. Leave it to Vance Holloway. Despite the fact that Vance and I had a current physical relationship, and he wanted more, here he was t
rying to help me work out my feelings for another guy.

  And of course, as the expert on people and relationships, his assessment of my conflicted emotions was spot on. I had experienced the pull in different directions before. When I was with Nathan, I knew he was totally wrong for me and didn’t treat me right. But in my young, foolish heart, I loved him anyway. When I dated Miles, he was perfect on paper and exactly everything I wanted in a boyfriend. But my heart was never fully in it. I understood the conflict between the two (damn them both for steering me wrong), and had learned that the right guy would be a balance of both.

  I also knew what it felt like to have that balance… to want someone with my whole heart and my whole mind…

  He continued, “What does your head tell you?”

  I considered this. Ricky’s was a world full of rebellion and darkness that I thought was imminent for my life. After I first moved home, I’d clung to our relationship like a security blanket. He taught me how to be independent, how to fight, how to embrace my anger and my obscurity.

  In a way, I knew I couldn’t live like that forever. Eventually I would have to face my demons and move forward. And I wasn’t sure if Ricky could be the one to help me with that. He had always been my escape, but was he the right guy for me?

  “My head tells me no,” I admitted.

  “Okay,” he said without missing a beat. “What does your heart tell you?”

  My heart?

  I loved Ricky in a brotherly sort of way. But did I get butterflies when we were together? Did his touches make me crave more? Did his kiss make me come alive?

  He was the man every girl in town wanted. But no matter what I asked myself, I couldn’t muster up that same desire. Was that due to fear of his reputation? My inability to feel? Or was our friendship actually meant to be platonic? It had been so with Vance, too, and yet here we were.

  “My heart…” I shrugged, “isn’t saying anything.”

  “Then I think that’s your answer.”

  “But then why do I feel this way? Why can’t I feel happy for him, like I felt happy for you and Evelyn?”