Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

  I was, actually. A little. Summer had mentioned she ran into Ricky earlier this week and told him about the party. I didn’t know what to believe from her anymore. I sent him my own invitation in a text, just in case, but never got a response. Guess I couldn’t blame him.

  “I was curious.” I smiled wanly. Circumstances weren’t ideal, but even so, he came to see me off. That meant a lot.

  “I gotta hand it to you, kiddo,” he said, looking around the Elliott’s enormous home. “It’s a step up from my neighborhood, that’s for damn sure.”

  That wiped the smile from my face. “That stuff doesn’t matter to me. You know that.” Despite all the trouble we got ourselves into, I always liked going out with Ricky. I felt way more comfortable at his house than I ever did here.

  “Hmm.” He eyed the green plaid shirt tied off just below my bra. “Not so sure I do.”

  I looked down with my lip caught between my teeth. When Vance did this, it made me feel sexy. Now I just felt small. Like a child playing dress up. Taking another look at myself, I saw what Ricky saw. This certainly wasn’t the girl he knew, now or then.

  I moved to untie the shirt when a second set of hands appeared.

  In an act of comfort, and maybe insanity, Vance slipped his hands over mine and wove our fingers together. “You look great, Rosie,” he said. “Don’t change it if you don’t want to.”

  It was more than a friendly gesture. It was a crystal clear display of affection. And Ricky didn’t miss it. I watched his eyes dart to our hands, dark clouds rolling behind those ominous gray irises. He glared down like he was two seconds from ripping us apart.

  “Get. His fucking hands. Off you.”

  I struggled to disentangle our hands—this was not the time to flaunt our status—but Vance held tight to me.

  “Don’t speak to her like that,” he asserted.

  “Who the hell are you, her white fucking knight?”

  “Maybe I am. Maybe that’s exactly what she needs, or it will be one day. Then again, maybe I’m just the guy holding her hand at the moment.”

  “Cool story, bro. Now get lost before I break your pretty face.”

  “Ricky—”

  I squirmed under his steely gaze, feeling scolded like an errant child. It shut me up immediately. I had no idea what I was going to say anyway. It wasn’t Vance he was really mad at, it was me. I had been the direct subject of his anger a lot lately. I felt bad for the turn our friendship had taken, but I didn’t see how that justified his temper. Even though I knew he’d never physically hurt me, the quiet rage building beneath the surface was unsettling.

  I shrank away as he leaned closer and closer into my face. In his eyes burned the unmistakable look of betrayal. “Well I’ll be damned.” Every word was all the more deathly low and quiet. “James was right.”

  With just a look, a handful of our past conversations came rushing back. “Never again, Ricky,” I had said. “Fuck them all, Ricky.” I promised him. I promised myself. And yet here I was again—after forever swearing off men and dating—standing before him with my hand entwined in another’s.

  I knew how it looked. He didn’t understand. When I told Ricky I was through with dating, I meant it. That’s not what this was. I wasn’t the one needing protection this time.

  “Ricky… Vance and I… he’s a nice guy…”

  “Yeah?” he scoffed. “So was the last one.”

  “I’m nothing like Miles,” Vance defended himself with surprising force. He had always been confident, but he hadn’t always been this assertive, especially around Ricky. He sat ramrod straight at my side, exuding his newfound voice of authority. “I would never cheat on her.”

  “Cheat?” Ricky slowly shook his head from side to side, a condescending smirk crept across his face. He wasn’t talking about Miles… this was about to get ugly. Fast. “Do you even know why she left that school?”

  Vance’s eyes flickered to me, then back to Ricky. At first he had been so quick to speak, but now I could sense his uncertainty. I hadn’t lied to Vance, not really. It was true that Miles had cheated on me and that had a big impact on how I viewed trust and relationships. But that wasn’t the whole story. It didn’t explain everything between then and now, or why I dropped out of college and came back here. There was a huge chunk of my story missing.

  There were secrets I’d never been willing to share. I was a private person—always have been, always will be. And for the most part, Vance respected that.

  Until he realized there was someone else that knew the truth. Someone else I had opened up to… and that someone wasn’t him.

  “I do,” Ricky continued. “I’m the one who brought her back.”

  * * *

  [Past]

  Lexi couldn’t be bothered with my state of desolation. She heard about the robbery and the accident, saw my condition and got the basics. But she hadn’t even known I was dating anyone, so she didn’t fully understand. The best advice she offered was to snap out of it.

  After I cried out in my sleep that first night, she avoided the dorm room, spending the following days and nights with whoever she was currently dating. Despite all the times she’d cried on my shoulder over a boy, my pain was nothing more than an annoyance to her.

  But this was beyond pain.

  I was mourning.

  I couldn’t eat or sleep. I could barely function, let alone keep up with school work. I went back to class for less than a day, and almost had a panic attack when one of the frat boys merely looked at me.

  Gone were the days of going anywhere alone without constant paranoia. I used to believe that nothing bad could ever happen to me. I had been naively invincible. Now the world was a completely different place—an unending nightmare of darkness and shadows, threats lurking behind every corner, wolves hiding within every sheep—and no one there to protect me.

  In only one month, I had become so dependent on Gabriel that being alone now made me afraid of every little thing. I didn’t know how to carry on like my whole life hadn’t turned upside down.

  Living with those haunting memories was so much harder than the sweet silence promised in death. I envied that silence. So much that I began to wish I had been the one unable to walk away that night.

  Then the epiphany hit. And I cursed myself for being such a stupid girl.

  I had a choice to make… To fall apart meant all the bad guys out there won. If I had learned anything from Gabriel, it was a reason to be strong. Fuck if I was going to let anyone else take advantage of me in his absence. If he could see me from wherever he was, I wanted him to see that I was a survivor. A fighter. I was going to become my own protector.

  So I dried my tears and stood tall. I stalked over to the corner market and bought a box that said “Jet Black,” and dyed my own hair in the dorm’s communal bathroom. Then I called Ricky Storm, even though we hadn’t spoken since high school, and gave a quick and dirty recap about what had happened. That very night, he borrowed a truck, drove down to Ocean College and helped me pack my shit.

  When he arrived at the dorm, I greeted him with a challenging look and a raised brow, daring him to judge me. He gave me a once over and moved into the room, empty boxes in hand. Not once did he question my choice to leave, the newly dark tresses or the force with which I slammed the dorm room door behind us on our way out. I was counting on him to be a silent supporter. And like always, he gave me exactly what I needed.

  * * *

  [Present]

  It was true. Ricky knew everything. He was the first one who saw the new Scar and the only one who knew the real reason why she came to be.

  But he was letting me down now. He was dangling those secrets over my head, and using what happened to hurt Vance. That was not okay.

  I jolted out of my seat. The force pushed my chair back, scraping its legs noisily across the floor.

  “Are you here to say goodbye to me, Ricky?” I said, awkwardly loud. Anything to distract him from talking about that night. />
  The smug look fell right off his face. “Goodbye?”

  “You know. Texas. I’m moving. Two days from now.”

  He stared at me in stunned silence. When he spoke, his words sliced right through me. “You were just going to leave?”

  My eyes widened. “No! The party… Isn’t that why you’re here?”

  “Does it fucking look like that’s why I’m here?” Everyone around us might’ve collectively held their breath at his outburst.

  I blinked repeatedly. “I know it’s not really my party, but my text…”

  “Now she texts me,” he muttered. “After I go and break my phone.”

  “Oh,” I said quietly, noting Vance had gotten to his feet to stand at my side. This time I didn’t wave him off; it felt strangely necessary. Ricky deserved a proper goodbye, but now that he was here, I had mixed feelings about it. I tried to hide my conflict behind a veiled smile. “Well… I’m glad you came then.”

  Ricky seemed to also notice his proximity to me, and glared. “If you’re moving then what’s with the boyfriend?”

  I flushed, rushing to diffuse the situation. “He’s not my boyfriend… it’s just… a temporary… farewell sort of thing….”

  Insert foot in mouth.

  Next thing I knew, there was a whirl of movement and I was jostled out of the way. People were scrambling to leave a wide berth as fists started to fly between the two men before us.

  One punch. Two. The first one caught Vance off guard, but after the second one, he rushed forward and tackled Ricky to the floor. They wrestled on the ground, both trying to gain the advantage. It looked like Vance was mostly trying to hold him down, but shocked the hell out of me and landed a hit of his own.

  “Ricky!” I screeched. Not because I worried for his safety over the other’s, more-so because I feared how far this would go if Ricky didn’t calm the hell down. Ricky and Vance. Hurting each other. Vance in a fistfight. I couldn’t believe it.

  “Ricky!” I shouted again. “Stop!”

  The blows came to a halt at the sound of my voice. Ricky loosened the grip on Vance’s collar, though neither one cowered away. Their stare-down commenced. I thought the worst of it was over.

  I struggled to pull Ricky to his feet while Summer rushed over to tend to Vance.

  In reflex, Ricky spun to me.

  He grabbed me, so hard it almost hurt. I ignored his slicing gaze and ripped my arm out of his grasp.

  I reached out for him but he was faster. A palm met the center of my chest and slammed me backwards. My back hit the wall behind me and all the air left my lungs in a rush. It didn’t hurt much, but it certainly took me by surprise. He had me pinned against the wall like a fly, twitching helplessly. I was well aware of Ricky’s temper. I’d even witnessed him lash out on occasion. But he had never, not once, ever used physical force against me.

  I tried to wiggle my way free of his hold. He wouldn’t budge. The stench of whiskey was heavy on his breath. Even intoxicated, I knew he wasn’t himself. This wasn’t my Ricky. Something was seriously wrong. I met his eyes—two dark and tempestuous clouds—and felt like I was looking at a stranger.

  Then his gaze landed a few inches south of mine, and never broke. His fingers came up to brush aside the star charms on my choker, and I knew exactly what he was seeing. Vance’s mark had to be faded and barely perceptible by now, but that didn’t stop his eyes from zeroing in.

  Without warning, Ricky’s fist reared back and snapped forward with all his strength and speed behind it. A scream tore from my throat and I recoiled, shrinking away from his strike. A loud crack ripped through the room. My knees buckled beneath me. Had it not been for the wall behind me and Ricky’s weight in front, I would have crumpled to the floor.

  It all happened in a matter of seconds, but after that, everything sped to fast forward. There was a struggle, curses and clamoring, a cacophony of sounds, and so many hands on me that I lost count. It felt like I was being pushed and pulled in a hundred directions, like I was being trampled by an angry mosh pit.

  Eventually, Ricky was torn off me and hauled out of the house. My hands flew wildly to my face, inspecting myself for bruises and sore spots, but I couldn’t find anything. Hadn’t he hit me? It sure felt like I got the wind knocked out of me, and I heard the hit, but I couldn’t pinpoint it to a single area.

  Only then did I turn my head and notice the wall behind me, where a fist-sized crevice damaged the drywall. Flecks of paint and plaster crumbled from the hole. I stared at it in disbelief. All that strength, all that anger, all that destruction had been mere inches from my face. And it had been done by the one person I considered family.

  No. Not Ricky.

  Frightened tears burned my eyes. I felt my limbs start to shake.

  Warm arms went around me and turned me away from the sight. Nothing penetrated, not his gentle caresses or comforting words. I couldn’t seem to hear anything but the echoing crack of that hit.

  The state of catatonia wasn’t new to me. I slipped right in like an old pair of shoes.

  This is what it meant for your mind to be clusterfucked.

  Never in my life had I worried for my safety around Ricky. But no matter what I tried to tell myself, I couldn’t dispute what was right before our eyes. He lost his temper with me. He got violent. He became dangerous. Now all I could see was the condition of that wall.

  I thought we were okay. Things got a little awkward for a while there, particularly after that kiss, but…

  Was it the damn kiss that screwed everything up?

  Wasn’t that always the case?

  No. My Ricky couldn’t have done this.

  Unless I was wrong.

  Again.

  Chapter 38

  Equally Culpable

  “Stubborn Love” by The Lumineers

  “Stop worrying about that. Drywall is easy to repair. I’ll fix it for them this weekend.”

  “At least let me pay for it.”

  “You will not. Forget about the damn hole for a second, Rosie. Are you okay?”

  I sighed. The fight had me pretty shaken up, but it was easier to breathe away from the crowds. Ricky was gone and some of the guests had cleared out. Vance and I were hiding out in Cole’s bedroom.

  “I think so. Other than feeling like a total idiot. I can’t believe he hit you Vance. I never, ever would have—”

  “Hey. It’s okay, I’m okay,” he said, wrapping me in his arms at the sound of my voice breaking. My eyes fell shut and I held on tight. “I’m more concerned about you. He…” he cursed. “I really hate to be that guy right now. But I need you to promise me something, Rosie. Promise me you won’t go back to his house. Promise me you won’t be alone with him.”

  I sniffled. “I never would have gone in the first place, if I thought for one second I wasn’t safe. I don’t know what’s going on with him, Vance. Something’s not right.”

  “Do you promise?”

  “I’m leaving in less than two days,” I said, my voice muffled into his shirt. “I just want to spend that time with you.”

  He squeezed me tighter. “Just… just promise me. Please.”

  “Yes. I promise. I won’t go back there.”

  He exhaled and sat down onto the bed, pulling me into his lap. Every time I found myself there, it became harder and harder to leave. He was so warm, so strong. The gentle rocking motion helped to soothe me until my pulse returned to normal…

  Eventually I opened my eyes and looked around the room. Unlike his meticulous sister, Cole’s bedroom was a bit messy. Not bad, just the kind of mess you’d expect from a guy living in his own space. A few trophies and plaques sat propped on a corner shelf. On his dresser were two framed photos. One was a recent picture of him and Kiki together, the other was a shot of him and Vance standing by a fish almost as tall as them.

  “What’s that from?” I asked.

  He looked at the picture and grinned. “We went deep sea fishing after graduation. I caught the biggest
fish and won the pot—three hundred bucks! That right there is the winning eighty-pound tuna.”

  “Yum!” I said. Then laughed when he made a disgusted face. “What? You’re allergic to seafood! You have no idea how tasty tuna melt sandwiches are!”

  “I’m not missing much if it tastes as nasty as it smells. In fact, I’m pretty sure my allergy is airborne when it comes to tuna sandwiches. Good chance I’ll start having a reaction if we’re in the same room together.”

  I rolled my eyes playfully. “You’re fired.”

  He chuckled and nuzzled into my neck. Mmm. He was being so snuggly. I burrowed into his arms and sighed when I found my comfort place. This was what I needed. Normalcy.

  “I can’t believe I’ve never even seen your bedroom.”

  He stilled. “Do you want to?”

  The way he asked it made me laugh nervously. I wasn’t really thinking when I said that. I supposed it did sound kind of promiscuous of me. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I know. I’m not gonna pull anything after the night you just had. You can see it, if you want.”

  “Okay,” I said shyly.

  “Now?” he said. “Or do you wanna go back to the party?”

  We looked at each other and spoke in unison.

  “Now.”

  We split up so Vance could say goodbye to Cole and I could grab my purse. On the way back to meet him, I passed by the drink table and had an idea to make him an ice pack. His cheek and jaw were already starting to bruise. Though he pretended like it didn’t hurt, I didn’t want the swelling to get too bad.

  I used the tongs to scoop a bunch of ice cubes into a napkin, then thought better of it. This was likely to get messy quick. I wondered if the Elliott’s had a small plastic baggy I could use. Maybe some aspirin, too.

  I made my way towards the kitchen and just stepped inside when I heard the sound of Gwen’s voice.

  “Good lord, those two are giving me a migraine.”

  I froze. The three of them stood with their backs to me.

  “He’s like a lovesick puppy,” Kiki joined in. “Following her around for scraps.”