Use Somebody

by Riley Jean

  Images of last night faded in and out. The hole Ricky had left in the wall. The awkward standoff with Vance’s friends. The tenderness in his eyes when he touched me. The resolve in his voice when he ended it and threw me out…

  Phoenix… Lexi… Dirk…

  I groaned at the memory of kissing Dirk in the Jacuzzi. I stuck out my tongue and coughed out as many germs as I could. Really, Scar? Dirk? How could I have done that? Disgusted with myself, I crawled out of bed and headed for the shower to wash out the stink of chlorine, booze and bitch.

  While waiting for the shower to heat up, I turned to face the mirror and stared at my reflection head on. Who was this vile creature? And why did she think she could fight her demons with more demons?

  A slurry of answers taunted me, none of them honorable. I was a despicable mess, inside and out, reaching a new low and unable to muster up any respect for myself. And it wasn’t this town that made me this way… it was just me. Would leaving really solve my problems?

  That sick feeling began to build within me again, and I rushed to heave violently into the toilet.

  For nearly an hour I sat in the tub with my arms wrapped around my knees. As the scalding water rained down and the whole room grew thick with steam, I inhaled deeply, willing the apathy to fill my lungs.

  * * *

  No matter how many times I brushed my teeth, I still tasted disgusting. Even after my shower, I felt like I’d been run over by a truck.

  I popped a couple aspirins, pulled on sweats, and only bothered to pull back my tangled, wet hair before I fell back into bed. My parents hated it when I holed up in my bedroom all day. Like if I wasn’t constantly productive, I was wasting my life away. Not that a hangover would make an acceptable excuse against that argument. I had a shower and it proved I was still alive. That was all I could give them today.

  This time tomorrow, I’d be out of their hair for good.

  When I heard the familiar purr of my own engine coming down our cul-de-sac, I opened my shutters and peeked out the window. Good gracious, it was bright outside, and I cringed at the condemning sun.

  Sure enough, it was my Eclipse—driven by none other than Vance Holloway himself—followed by Gwen’s Mini Cooper.

  I groaned and dragged myself out of bed.

  Knowing I had to face what I’d done, I felt physically ill. After everything Vance had done for me, the way he believed in me and cared for me, this was how I repaid him. God only knows why he was still here, helping me, being a friend. Even though he just found my car deserted at some guy’s house the morning after I’d broken his heart.

  He parked the Eclipse in the driveway and got out as Gwen idoled at the curb. Keys in hand, he headed straight for me. Every step caused my chest to contract until he was right before me, handing me the keys without breaking our gaze.

  He didn’t say anything. He just looked at me with a crippling anguish in his eyes that we both knew I was responsible for. The same broken heart that I once adorned, until I stopped letting myself feel.

  Finally, unable to stand it anymore, I spoke.

  “Thanks for bringing my car back from Dirk’s.”

  There. Wasn’t that the whole reason I’d created this mess in the first place? To sabotage everything, just as he once accused me? To give him one more reason why I was unredeemable, and why he was justified in walking away?

  Vance just stared at me and said nothing.

  “I know I’m a fuckup, alright?” I yelled, even though it wasn’t his fault.

  Then again, wasn’t it his fault for pushing me too far? For making me believe I deserved that sliver of happiness? Trust. Love. All that emotional rigmarole bullshit. I told him I couldn’t do this. I told him I wasn’t good enough. Perhaps if he hadn’t been so stubborn, this wouldn’t have hurt so much. Perhaps the thought of moving on alone wouldn’t have made me feel so empty.

  “Maybe if you had listened to me months ago, none of this would have happened.”

  The words left a sour taste in my mouth. It wasn’t at all what I wanted to say. It was far from how I really felt. I cared about Vance, deeply and intimately. But I was still so angry. Angry for failing him. For failing myself. I feared that if I asked for forgiveness, he would give it. And I couldn’t live with that.

  But this time, I didn’t have to worry. He wasn’t here to forgive me, nor continue his pursuit. No, he was just here to return my car.

  Without uttering a single word, he turned and walked away from me, got in the car with Gwen, and left.

  * * *

  [Journal]

  I’ve done a lot of stupid things.

  But the worst thing I’ve ever done is hurt the person I love.

  * * *

  As my hangover subsided, my anger dwindled and the depression set in. I started to feel remorse over the entire previous day. If I could go back and do it all over, I never would have gone to Dirk’s house. I never would have said Gabriel’s name. But even before that, and most of important of all, I would have told Vance the truth—before it was already too late. He deserved that much.

  Why had I been so stubborn to hold onto my secrets? Even if the truth pushed him away, at least I wouldn’t be lying here with the pain of hurting him intentionally.

  I didn’t expect my phone to ring that night. But even this mess of a girl was lucky enough to get a checkup call from Phoenix. After making sure I was okay, he apologized profusely for himself and Dirk. Apparently they were both distraught over what happened in the spa last night. The memory was no better for me.

  Dirk messed up. Big time. But I knew the feeling of guilt well. I told Phoenix to relay my forgiveness and asked that he look out for his friend. Thank goodness the unthinkable didn’t happen this time, but it was not behavior that should go unchecked. Not by any means.

  I even told Phoenix I was leaving for Texas tomorrow. He stopped by shortly after to give me a hug that lasted at least ten minutes. It was the only friendly goodbye I would receive, and I didn’t want to let him go.

  As he finally pulled away, the afternoon sun haloed his blond hair, casting a blinding angelic glow. We traded smiles. He tugged affectionately on one of my curls.

  Turned out there was one more person I was definitely going to miss in California.

  Later that evening, I was even more surprised to see a second call coming in from Gwen. Under normal circumstances, she was not the type to call for a chat. After my horrible display last night, I was surprised she was even speaking to me.

  I took a deep breath and answered. “Hey Gwen.”

  “Scar.”

  “Thanks again for the ride last night. And for returning my car this morning.”

  “Yep.”

  I realized her responses were clipped and swallowed, preparing myself for the worst. “How pissed is he?”

  There was a short pause, followed by a large sigh. Quite possibly, the loudest in the history of all her sighs. Immediately it had me on edge.

  “Vance and I had an interesting conversation today.”

  Something in her tone told me this was serious. I shifted in my seat, undeniably nervous.

  “…Okay?” I prompted.

  “We pieced together some information we both had, and did a little investigative work. Scarlett… we know everything.”

  It wouldn’t have been that difficult to piece together. I left Vance’s house late, seriously upset. I ended up at Dirk’s house, drunk, frightened, and even more upset than before. There wasn’t much to figure out.

  The worst part? I couldn’t even be angry that the two of them had teamed up to dissect my depravity. After all, I had dragged them both into it.

  “I know,” I said. “I figured he pretty much knew everything this afternoon.”

  Another thickening pause. “We know about Valentine’s Day.”

  * * *

  Valentine’s. Day.

  Two simple words meant to denote love, hearts, cupid and candy.

  But not for me.

&nb
sp; For me, they represented everything about my life I’d grown to hate.

  Fear. Helplessness. Guilt. Grief.

  The loss of my angel. The rise of the monster.

  All these months I’d been trying to escape my past. Trying to bury those emotions. Trying to start over.

  But my deepest secrets had been hidden only one Google search away. If my two closest friends had figured it out, there was no possible way to outrun it any longer.

  They knew.

  And that’s when everything came crashing down.

  * * *

  [Past – Valentine’s Day]

  I sent Gabriel a text to let him know I was here alone. He was always concerned with my safety, especially considering I worked in a less-than-desirable side of town and all. He made me promise that if I was ever the last to leave, I’d let him know, and he’d come to escort me out. It might’ve been a little over the top, but we both had reasons to take precautions. Besides, I was happy for any excuse to see him.

  Usually the closing manager walked me to my car at the end of the night. But tonight Willa left early for some kind of family emergency. Her oldest daughter (twelve) had called to say her youngest son (two) was running a fever.

  “I’ll close up here,” I assured her and shooed her out the door. “My last report is almost finished, then I’ll lock up.”

  “Don’t forget to set the alarm when you leave. You remember the security code?”

  “Yes! I remember it all! Go on now, your baby needs you!”

  “Bless you!” she pinched my dimpled cheeks and hurried home to her three children. I didn’t mind at all closing up myself so she could tend to her precious family.

  I checked my phone again. Still nothing from Gabriel. Was he busy? A touch of disappointment settled in. I thought for sure he’d make time to see me tonight, even to take advantage of a quick escort to the back parking lot. Maybe sneak in a kiss or two.

  Our recent beach date had shown me his romantic side. This was not to say I expected elaborate Valentine’s Day plans. I knew some guys viewed this day as just another meaningless Hallmark holiday. And if that was his belief, I wasn’t going to push it. Although I knew for sure he wouldn’t just ignore me just to prove a point. My safety had always been his priority. So why wasn’t he responding?

  I checked my cell one last time. Nothing. Would he be mad if I just went home? I had stalled for a while already and he couldn’t expect me to hang out for hours, waiting to hear from him, right?

  Another thought occurred to me and it stopped me cold. What if something had happened to him? He was always so quick to respond to my texts. His silence was out of character and disconcerting. Should I be worried?

  Before I could talk myself out of it, I pressed the little receiver button and held the cell to my ear. One ring, I breathed. At least his phone wasn’t off. Two rings, I swallowed. Three rings, I leaned my back up against the wall. Four rings, my knee was bouncing up and down like a rubber ball. A generic voicemail kicked in. I hung up. Nobody checked voice messages these days, so I sent him a text.

  Scarlett: Heading home. Worried about you. Can you please let me know that you’re ok?

  I grabbed my purse and the keys, and tried to shake off my anxiousness. Oftentimes I was prone to overthink things. I was just getting carried away, jumping to outrageous conclusions simply because he hadn’t responded to a text in the last twenty minutes.

  It really wasn’t practical to get all worked up when I had no evidence something bad had happened. He was probably just in another room, out with his friends, asleep with the ringer on silent. Any number of logical explanations.

  But I couldn’t deny that in my gut, something didn’t feel quite right.

  * * *

  [Present]

  Everything just got a hell of a lot more complicated.

  Shame. Outrage. Why was Gwen constantly putting her nose in my business? What happened to the Gwen from high school that had always been too preoccupied with her own life to care about anyone else? After I moved back home and decided to work at Mooshi, I was counting on laying low. But this whole time she’d been trying to pry, insisting that she knew best, and pushing Vance and me together when I wasn’t ready. And now he was more involved than ever.

  “He’s on his way over. This is your heads up.”

  Of course he was.

  * * *

  [Past]

  Keys in hand, I pulled the door shut and was just about to lock it when a voice whispered in my ear, “Surprise.”

  I jumped about a foot in the air until I heard that warm, familiar laugh.

  “Gabriel?”

  He turned me around and those blue eyes smiled down at me, gleaming with mischief. “Happy Valentine’s Day, love.”

  He presented me with a beautiful bouquet of red roses sprinkled with baby’s breath and wrapped in clear cellophane. They were perfect. He was perfect. I laughed once in disbelief.

  “Oh my—you scared me to death!”

  “To death?” he said with a delicious look that could only be described as smoldering. He braced his palms on the wall behind me and I looked up at him, enraptured. “Oh no, my love. Not if I can help it.”

  With that, he swooped down and captured my lips in a heated kiss.

  And wow… what a kiss it was.

  My heart was still pounding from his unexpected presence, but it went into overdrive when his mouth descended on mine. He kissed me like he never had before, passionate and unrestrained. I stood on the tips of my toes and wrapped my arms around his neck, the roses pointing straight down his back. I melted between his body and the wall as he took complete control.

  Yes. He felt it, too. This connection, this amazing, forever kind of love. I could tell by the way his lips were branding mine, his heart claiming me as his.

  He was it for me. This angel was sent here specifically for me, and I had fallen helplessly in love.

  My eyes flew open when I detected movement, and panic kicked in when a shadowed figure materialized. Just before I had a chance to scream, a hand roughly covered my mouth. I shrieked into his palm and flailed about, as Gabriel shouted in distress and fought to keep me in his grip. I was caught in a dangerous tug-of-war, pulled in two directions. The three of us were a tangle of wrestling limbs, until we lost the fight and I was dragged away from the man I loved.

  Rose petals were scattered beneath us as the cold, metal barrel of a gun was pressed to my temple.

  “You’re going to do exactly what I tell you,” said a rough, gravelly voice, “and no one gets hurt.”

  * * *

  [Present]

  Just after Gwen and I hung up, Vance’s truck pulled into my cul-de-sac. With a deep breath, I made my way down to him.

  I had been granted one final opportunity to give him the truth he deserved. Even if it was too late for us, at least I had one last chance to be honest, to make him understand. And this time I wasn’t going to screw it up.

  When I reached the driveway, I climbed into his truck and shut the door. Everything about it was familiar: the soft fabric seats, the scent of peppermint and spice, the lights on his dashboard illuminating in the darkness around us.

  And yet, everything was different… the warmth was missing. For the first time since I’d known him, Vance’s truck radiated sadness.

  Instead of going for a drive, he shut the engine off. A sheet of paper rested on the seat between us, worn with folds and creases as if it had been read a hundred times in desperate hands. I recognized the printed article and photo of a little white Honda smashed in on its front end. The title read, “Armed Robbery Turned Hostage Situation: One Survivor.”

  Where to begin…

  The truth was, I had been a shitty friend to Vance. I kept dark secrets. I led him on. I used him. I got upset last night and ran to another boy. I battled demons every day, along with feelings of guilt and anger and mourning. I’d taken advantage of Vance’s friendship and love in order to cope.

  I was n
o good to the golden boy.

  I closed my eyes and prepared to face the music. For so long I’d been trying to bury the events of that dreadful night. Tonight, I would tell him my story. And not just what was written in that article.

  Everything.

  Our entire relationship was about to change.

  Then again, I supposed, it already had.

  * * *

  [Past]

  People experience the craziest things when faced with a near-death situation. Some see their life flash before their eyes. Some see a light. This is going to sound completely insane, but in that moment I felt a rush of relief.

  Not that I was suicidal or anything.

  But if Willa hadn’t gone home early, then she might be the one standing here with a gun pointed at her head. And if anything were to happen to her, who would take care of those precious kids?

  “It’ll be okay, love, just do as he says,” Gabriel spoke with a mask of calm and slowly lifted his hands in surrender. I tried to follow his lead, forcing myself to remain calm. Despite the danger we had found ourselves in, never once did he take those blue eyes off me.

  I kept my eyes on Gabriel, praying this wouldn’t be the last time I saw those beautiful blues. I had to believe I’d be okay because Gabriel was here, and he always protected me.

  In my peripheral I could see that the man was masked. That was a good sign statistically. Since we couldn’t see his face, it was unlikely he’d hurt me, so long as I complied.

  “That’s right you will. Now be a good little girl and open that vault for daddy.”

  Gross. That man was most certainly not my daddy.

  The tightness in Gabriel’s expression revealed how much he hated the loss of control. But he complied silently, undeterred, so I did, too. I wanted to be brave for him.

  With the gun trained on me and my arm in a vise-grip, he directed us back into the bank. He instructed Gabriel to walk backwards with his hands up, so I got to keep my eyes on him the whole time. It was the only thing that kept me from totally freaking out.