I Hate You, Love Me

by Jamie Knight

  Well, if cliff diving didn’t kill me, maybe a high-speed chase will.

  Charles puts his foot down on the gas and we start to zip down the road at increased velocity.

  “Wow, this beast has power,” I marvel.

  “It can go 0 - 60 in 4.1 seconds,” he says with pride. “It’s the fastest SUV on the market.”

  “Well, maybe we should dial it back a bit,” I advise. “At this rate we’ll overtake Cassie and her pokey little Honda in less than half a minute.”

  “Damn, I was having fun, too,” he laments.

  We slow down to a cruising speed and tail Cassie from a safe distance.

  As we follow her into town, I look around at all the shops and houses. This really is a nice area. Many of the buildings were built using real brick. They must go back decades.

  Does anyone use brick anymore? I wonder. It has to be so expensive.

  I focus again on Cassie and remind myself to pay attention.

  She parallel parks in front of a realty office. I am super impressed that she did this in two moves: backing in and straightening out. I, on the other hand, have always sucked at parallel parking.

  Hey, I’m remembering things, I think, with excitement.

  Even if what I’m remembering is that I never knew how to do something well.

  She hops out of the car, walks up the steps and goes into the building.

  “What the heck is she doing?” I ask out loud.

  She doesn’t stay in the office long. Soon she is back out, and in her car again. We follow her around to several other stops, all realty offices. And then she pulls up to a cafe and goes inside.

  She comes out with a coffee and a pastry. I am suddenly somewhat hungry. The oatmeal probably wasn’t enough.

  She hops back in her car and drives to a house with a “For Sale” sign out front. She pops out, takes some pics, and then gets back in and pulls away. Her next stop is another realty office.

  “Well, she certainly is determined about finding work,” Charles says. He drums his fingers on the steering wheel. “I have to admire that.”

  “Yeah, it kind of makes me a bit sad,” I admit, reluctantly. “She looks so frustrated when she gets out of her car and then puts on a big optimistic smile right before she walks in. Every single time.”

  “She looked happy enough at the cafe,” Charles offers.

  I shrug.

  “Coffee is the universal deliverer of the world’s most popular drug, caffeine,” I say. “Addicts typically feel a bit of euphoria after the first sip.”

  Charles lets out a little laugh. At least he’s having a bit of fun with this.

  I don’t know how I feel, however. Probably more concerned than anything.

  Cassie doesn’t seem happy at all. Even during that moment outside the coffee shop. That was just another stop along the way, and it probably threw her schedule off somewhat.

  “I think we should follow her to one more stop and then head back,” I say. “This hasn’t been as revealing as I thought it would be.”

  “Yeah, it seems pretty clear that she is out here looking for work,” Charles says. “You have to wonder why she’s being so sneaky, however.”

  “Maybe she’s ashamed,” I say. “She doesn’t want anyone to know how hard she’s hustling, without it paying off.”

  “Yeah, just like with social media,” Charles says. “Everyone on there presents their best face. We don’t see the day-to-day, mundane actions. We don’t know what struggles they are really going through. Well, with most people, anyway. There are plenty who type up long paragraphs about their own personal drama on Facebook. I have to mute them if they go overboard.”

  I know what he means but I’m afraid to look at my social media accounts. Seeing my list of friends with names and faces I don’t recognize – well, it makes me a bit sad. And if I was to go through old posts I made and see the photos and comments, it would be like viewing a stranger’s page.

  On the other hand, if I do go through it, some of my memories might be unlocked. I guess I’ll have to make a decision soon. Hopefully I decide to be brave.

  Up ahead, we see the right turn signal blinking on Cassie’s car and then it pulls into a park. It’s an older one, filled with tall, full oak trees, but it’s obviously been kept up with and even upgraded as time has passed. There’s a well-maintained baseball field, complete with a concession stand, a covered grandstand, and other amenities.

  The playground has all the safety tested and approved modern recreational equipment. A seesaw, jungle gym, slide, swing set, spring rider, sandbox and merry-go-round are all accounted for.

  It even has a sort of obstacle course challenge area, complete with chin-up bars and trapeze rings. I immediately think: Alice would love it here!

  Cassie gets out of her car, closes the door behind her, and slowly walks over to a bench. She sits down and buries her head into her hands and starts to cry. Shit just suddenly got real.

  It’s heartbreaking and I can’t stand to see her this way. There definitely is so much more going on that we probably don’t know about. And she isn’t going to offer up that information on her own.

  She definitely has some pride. Enough for her to fight this battle on her own. Enough that the stress is pushing her to the breaking point. Letting out tears releases the pressure somewhat, but eventually, it will all be too much to bear.

  “I gotta get out and say something to her,” I say.

  “But she’ll know we were following her,” Charles reminds me.

  “Yeah, but I’ll take admitting that over the guilt I’ll feel by not doing what I can to help her,” I say firmly.

  He nods in understanding.

  “Yeah man, I see your point,” he says. “You gotta do the right thing. I get it.”

  I climb out of the SUV and take a deep breath. I turn to look at Charles through the windshield and give him a thumbs up.

  He nods again, as if resigned to the fact that our fun little game has suddenly turned into an intervention of sorts. And with that knowledge and a heavy heart, I slowly begin to walk over to Cassie.

  I’m not a parent, but I can see the symbolism here. A single mother alone, crying in a beautiful park.

  It doesn’t seem fair. She should be here with Alice, having a wonderful time and creating new memories. Instead, though, she is all alone.

  But in a way, she is partly to blame for this. She has friends who care about her. There’s no need to run around and make everyone suspicious. It creates a sense of unease. And Alice needs a stable environment.

  But who am I to say that?

  Again, I’m not a parent. I might not even be a friend. But I’m the one here now. I’m the one walking across the grass on a beautiful day, full of blue skies with nary a cloud to be seen in them. I’m the one who will do my best to convince her that there are those who are willing to help.

  “Cassie?” I say, in a sympathetic tone.

  She looks up and wipes the tears away from her pretty green eyes. Her mascara is a little smudged. She looks a bit tired and out of sorts. But I’m amazed at how quickly she rebounds.

  “Devon? What are you doing here?” she asks.

  It’s as if she can’t believe I’m standing in front of her. And in a way, this is an intrusion.

  “To be honest, I was following you,” I answer.

  “Following me? What the fuck!” she says, angrily.

  I really can’t blame her for having this reaction. It is kinda creepy, what we did. But we had the best of intentions. Still, I probably wouldn’t have done it again if given the chance.

  “You aren’t telling anyone where you go to each day,” I explain. “We got worried.”

  “‘We’?” she says bitingly. “Who is this ‘we’ you speak of?”

  “Uh, yeah,” I say. “Charles is waiting in the car.”

  Cassie looks over. Charles gives a sheepish wave. Cassie takes note, as if mentally checking off the fact that he was involved.

&nb
sp; She’s storing ammunition for a future argument, most likely. Or wondering who all has been talking about her and what we’ve been saying.

  “And what about Amanda?” she asks.

  “She’s back at home watching Alice,” I say. “She doesn’t know anything about this.”

  “Well, now you can go back and gloat!” she exclaims. “You can inform her that I’m a terrible person and an awful parent. How I suck at life. And then you can watch with glee while they kick me out of the house. That’s really what you want, isn’t?”

  “No, that’s not what I want,” I assure her. “I’m not that type of guy.”

  “Are you sure?” She snaps. “How do you know? You have no idea who you really are. Just go away!”

  Well, that stung. But I can’t say I blame her. She’s obviously upset. And it’s a fair point – I’ll give her that much.

  I let her have her anger and take a seat on the bench next to her.

  “Cassie, what is really going on here?” I inquire.

  She sighs. Another round of tears falls. She is finally coming to terms with the fact that she has to tell someone what is going on.

  “I’m in trouble,” she says, quietly. “Like, a lot of trouble.”

  She takes a moment to compose herself. I see this as an invitation to move closer to her and listen. I do so, and she finally warms up a little.

  She explains to me how the bottom in the realty business in her area fell out and she’s been scrambling to make ends meet ever since. She came out here to try and get a fresh start.

  She told Amanda that she was expanding her already booming real estate business, and made it sound like she had a lot more prospects than she really had – but she didn’t know from the start how long it might be and now it seems like it could last for a really long time because her job pickings are slim. The days stretched into weeks and she hasn’t had the heart to tell Amanda that things have gotten worse instead of better.

  Since she didn’t really have a booming business, she couldn’t just move back out and head back to that. It was this or bust, and the increasing pressure was driving her crazy.

  She also felt that Amanda would think she was using her, so she just kept hoping that she would land something and not have to break the bad news to her friend. She’d had a good lead that first time she’d asked me to watch Amanda, but some big shot realtor heard about it and grabbed the spot from her.

  Now, she was more afraid than ever that she wouldn’t be able to get back on her feet. She was facing the options of continuing to live with Amanda and Charles, or nowhere at all.

  “I can understand that,” I say. “I might not be broke, but I do know right now what it’s like to start over. So, I can empathize somewhat. I will do my best to not cause any friction back at the house. Sounds like we both need the time there to figure things out.”

  She looks at me, clearly a bit shocked.

  What can I say, I must enjoy helping people.

  Was I that way before the accident?

  It doesn’t seem like it, or else Cassie wouldn’t be looking so shocked at me right now.

  Will I ever know who I was before?

  Does it even matter?

  “How does that plan sound?” I ask, reminding myself to focus on Cassie’s problems and not my own right now.

  “That sounds good to me,” she says, while managing to smile a little.

  “Are you done with your work for the day?” I ask.

  “I have another stop and then I’m going to head back and do some work on my laptop,” she explains.

  “Charles and I are going to the grocery store,” I say. “We promised we get Amanda another bag of espresso. She keeps running out, that little caffeine fiend. You need anything?”

  Her smile turns to laughter.

  “Always needing more espresso. That’s our Amanda,” she says. “No, thanks. I’m okay.”

  I am happy to see her spirits lifted somewhat. We get up and head back to the cars.

  Before she gets into hers, she waves to Charles, who is sitting there probably feeling a bit anxious, and then waves back to me.

  She mouths the words “Thank you”.

  It’s a nice moment that I know I’ll definitely remember.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Devon

  Circumstances have gotten better since the talk in the park. I regained a few fragments of memories from the past.

  Namely, the time I almost kissed Cassie at the Sadie Hawkins dance back in high school. Did I finally actually kiss her at some point? Maybe one day she’ll tell me.

  Since Cassie has opened up about her issues, I’ve been able to help her some. I suggest we sit down with Amanda and Charles and really put things on the table.

  Cassie is a little skittish at first about the idea, as they are providing a roof overhead for her and Alice. She doesn’t want to cause any tension to form between all of us. But she eventually entertains the idea and agrees to it.

  We decide the best thing to do is have drinks in the afternoon, before taking them out to dinner. There’s an amazing sushi place nearby, which is a bit pricey, but I will cover the cost. I know I actually do quite well as an investment banker, even though I haven’t yet returned to work.

  Amanda comes back from a shopping trip and we surprise her with the news. Charles was out at a school meeting and then plans to come home to take a half-day off before the weekend. Alice is busy taking a nap. The timing is perfect.

  I ask Amanda what she would like to drink. She’s in a cosmopolitan mood so I gather all the items and get to work making one.

  I have to Google what’s in it and realize it’s a lot simpler than I thought:

  1/2 oz fresh lime juice,

  1 oz cranberry juice,

  1/2 oz cointreau,

  1 1/2 oz vodka.

  I don’t see any lime juice, but I do see a fresh lemon in the fridge. I think it will do the trick.

  Cassie sees what I’m up to and asks if I can make her one, too. Aside from only having lemons as possible garnishment or additional flavoring, Amanda and Charles have quite the stocked bar.

  In addition to regular Grey Goose vodka, they have a citron flavor. I elect to use that to help with the composition of the beverage.

  Might as well do it right, right?

  Charles enters the house. I already know what he is going to want: bourbon with three ice cubes.

  He’s excited to see everyone up and about and being social. I hand him his drink and pour one for myself. It sounds good to me and I could use it to calm down.

  As we all sit down with our drinks, I notice Cassie is a bit nervous. I give her a smile and she seems to relax a bit.

  Funny, when you yourself are a bit frazzled, you can step up for someone who feeling the jitters a bit more strongly. That in turn makes you feel better. So, two people close to the edge of reason can talk each other back down to a more sane place.

  It’s almost like when you think you’re drunk but then you realize your friend is really drunk and you have to take care of him. That can really sober you up!

  “I called a babysitter to come over and watch Alice while we’re out. Her reviews are outstanding,” Cassie says.

  “Well, this will be fun!” Amanda says. “I don’t know if the four of us have ever been out together like this before.”

  Charles raises his glass to toast. “To a new era of friendship.”

  “Hear, hear!” I say.

  I’m not sure why I chose that phrase over something like “cheers” or “salud”, but I did. I should find out what books I’ve read, because odd words pop out from time to time.

  As we drink and talk, I see Cassie start to loosen up. It’s always good when you can be honest with other people. And when she smiles, well, something inside me clicks.

  I want to make sure she always smiles. It feels right.

  Soon, it’s time for Cassie to plunge right in with her confession, and she does. I’m so proud of her.
/>   “So, I haven’t actually been having much luck in the real estate market back where I live,” Cassie says. Amanda and Charles listen intently. “I kind of made things sound better there than they actually are. To be honest, it’s a disaster and I can’t go back. I need to make things work here. At first, I was depressed that things weren’t going very well here, either. But I guess it just takes time. I have some leads out this way. It’s a better market and will definitely be a better school district for Alice. And she’ll be starting kindergarten very soon. So, I think things are starting to turn around, but I wanted to be up front with you about the earlier dire situation, and that I’m still not sure how it will all turn out, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”

  “Wow, that’s quite a lot to chew,” Amanda says, and Cassie nods.

  Whatever happens, I’m glad she laid it all out there. And I admire her positive outlook. It’s something I’ve been struggling with lately, being too negative. Perhaps it’s just to put on a good face, but I like how Cassie faces adversity with determination and optimism.

  She sure spins the story to make it sound like things will work out, which is important, I think, in the long term – to keep up a good attitude, to oneself and others. I think the phrase for that, if I can remember it correctly, is “fake it ‘till you make it.” At least she’s told her friends the truth, even with a still positive spin on things. And I think Amanda knows her well enough to recognize that.

  “How solid are these leads?” Charles asks, after he and Amanda have exchanged a glance.

  He pulls off his glasses and chews the ear piece. I can tell he’s trying to decide whether to be upset or supportive.

  Since he’s such a good guy, I’m rooting for his supportive side to win out, even though I can understand that he might be mad at Cassie for not telling them the whole story until now.

  “I have had several interviews and followed up with references,” she explains. “It feels good. Of course, I won’t know for sure until an offer is made. I’m hoping to be accepted into a real estate agency soon.”

  “You’ll make it happen,” Amanda says.