Dangerous Exes (Liars, Inc. Book 2)

by Rachel Van Dyken

  She turned her venomous glare toward me. “You know Wayne, right? Ex-fiancé? Successful director? The best lay I’ve had. Ever.”

  If she was trying to hurt Jessie, he didn’t show it.

  I, however, burst out laughing and then sobered. “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought it was a joke. Yes, Very Exciting Wayne, you know, when he can get it up without the little blue pill.”

  Her face paled.

  “But you know all about that, right?”

  She crossed her arms. “Anyway.” We were getting dismissed.

  The waiter brought our drinks.

  Blaire’s panic was evident.

  Vanessa wasn’t going to confess anything.

  Damn it, we needed to get her drunk.

  I reached for the mimosa just as she put on her sunglasses, and had no time to react as Blaire grabbed the drink and laughed. “Isla! You know you can’t drink when you’re pregnant!”

  Jessie choked on his next sip.

  My stomach dropped. “Uh, right, er, I just, it’s so new that I, um . . . forgot.”

  Jessie patted my hand. “I just can’t believe it.”

  “Me. Either.” I sent a seething glare to Blaire before forcing a smile at Vanessa. “It wasn’t planned, but hey, we’re already engaged, so . . .” I shrugged and leaned toward Jessie. He captured my mouth with a hungry kiss that felt just as real as this morning and last night. I grabbed ahold of his shirt and tugged.

  When we parted, we were both out of breath.

  “And now I know how babies are made,” Colin joked while Vanessa’s lips twitched like she was about to burst into tears.

  “You guys,” Blaire said in her all-business voice, “are going to be the perfect little family. Aren’t they, Vanessa?”

  “You bitch!” Vanessa spat out, teeth clenched. “What, your life wasn’t good enough? You had to steal mine!”

  “Hey, you’re the one who had an abortion without talking to your man first.”

  “I did what was necessary!” she said in a hushed voice. “For my career and for Jessie.”

  “You are such a coldhearted bitch.” Jessie stood, towering over her. “And you had no right to do that. I was your husband.”

  “It’s my body.”

  “Don’t say it’s about your body when we both know it had everything to do with your career, not mine, yours. You were selfish then, you’re somehow more selfish now. And if you ever defame my character again, I’m going to sue the hell out of you.”

  Vanessa snorted. “Oh Jessie, you can’t sue me for telling the truth.”

  “Yeah.” Blaire held up her iPhone to show it was recording. “Actually he can, since you’ve been lying.”

  I could see Vanessa’s wheels turning. Like she was seconds away from creating a scene by jumping across the table and grabbing the phone, so I stood. “Vanessa, you already have everything, you have a director boyfriend, and you’re going to the Academy Awards tomorrow night. Let Jessie go.”

  She swallowed and stared at the ground.

  “Let. Him. Go.” I said it with more purpose as I put a hand on her arm and waited for her to jerk away.

  She didn’t answer.

  She just shrugged me off.

  And walked away.

  But when she got back to the chair, she was wiping underneath her eyes. Wayne didn’t even notice.

  Jessie exhaled next to me. “So, we got rid of one problem only to have a brand new one.”

  “Huh?”

  “Apparently we’re expecting.” He didn’t look amused.

  “That wasn’t my fault!” I said defensively. “And you know Vanessa can’t say anything now!”

  “Not Vanessa I’m worried about.” Jessie made a face then nodded toward the waiter. “He heard, I guarantee it’s going to get leaked.”

  And because the universe was out to screw us, Blaire’s phone beeped, she looked at it, then hid it under her napkin and said with fake enthusiasm, “Congrats! You’re having twins.”

  Jessie groaned and collapsed into his seat.

  “Relax, guys.” Colin reached for his mimosa. “I’m sure her Goo-Poh has a tea for that.”

  “So. Helpful,” Jessie said through clenched teeth while I panicked.

  “Goo-Poh!” I sprang to my feet. “She’s going to die!”

  “What?” Jessie stood. “Why would she die?”

  “All she’s ever wanted from me is children!”

  “I’m sure it’s not that bad.” Jessie put a hand on me.

  “She used to pray it over me when I was six!” I said with a half scream. “When all the normal girls went to school with thoughts about prom, my Goo-Poh was at home lighting candles of fertility!”

  Jessie hid his smile behind his hand.

  “Don’t you dare laugh.” I pointed at him. “You’re going with me.”

  “Going?”

  “To explain to Goo-Poh that I most definitely did not accept your blessing wide and—”

  Colin snorted with laughter.

  I covered my face with my hands. “I’m so screwed, this is so bad, isn’t it? This is like a monumental screw-up!”

  “At least you guys are already engaged,” Blaire pointed out.

  “Yes, thank God, we’re already engaged before I bring a fake set of twins into the world!”

  Jessie took a step back from me.

  “Don’t attract attention,” Blaire said through clenched teeth.

  I sat back down and reached for Colin’s mimosa, then put it back. “Damn it!”

  “I’ve never seen you so . . .” Blaire looked like she was searching for a word. “Chaotic, I kind of like it.”

  “This, this was not the plan.” I tapped the table with my fingernails. “Our plan was simple, get engaged, make everyone believe in the fairy tale, then quietly separate a few months after it died down. A baby is permanent, splitting while pregnant will not bode well for either of us. It makes Jessie look like he abandoned me, and it makes Dirty Exes look bad.”

  “So . . .” Blaire leaned in. “You stay together.”

  “But—”

  “What’s the worst that could happen?” she asked softly.

  Jessie had been quiet next to me. I elbowed him, but he only chuckled and said, “Oh well, I’m sure she has a list.”

  I did have a list.

  Never mind him.

  “Dismemberment, poisoning, painting my walls, plotting my demise via Chinese food, yelling, so much yelling.” Of course he would add that. “Need I go on?”

  “I did not try to dismember you!”

  “It really is only a matter of time,” Jessie said seriously.

  “I can’t believe this. Or you!” I jutted a finger at his chest and dug in. “You, you aren’t supposed to sit there and smile, I need you to freak out. I need you to do the rational adult thing and freak the hell out and then fix it.”

  “But that’s what you’re doing.”

  “I’m not freaking out.” I sucked in another sharp breath. Why was it so hard to breathe? Things were spiraling. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

  “You are.” Jessie leaned in. “And as much as I want to freak out on the outside, I can’t, because people are watching. So put your napkin back in your lap, lean over and kiss me, and we’ll find a way to fix it later.”

  I nodded, not trusting my voice.

  “But first,” he said with a sigh, “it seems like we may need to make a visit to the retirement home.”

  “Wear a cup,” Colin said helpfully.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  JESSIE

  “Now remember,” Isla said for the fifth time, “this is more war zone than retirement home. And stay away from Stanley.”

  “Stanley?” I repeated. “Who the hell is Stanley?”

  “Just give him a wide berth.” Why was she shaking? And why was a man named Stanley suddenly after me? “He’s just as crazy as Goo-Poh, and they’re constantly fighting over position.”

  I think every future
erection just died. “Sexual position?”

  Isla jerked her head in my direction before reaching for the entry doors. “No, you ass! Why is everything about sex!”

  “You’re the one that said position! What was I supposed to think?”

  She reached for the door, but I opened it for her. “Trust me, sex would be better than the territorial war they have going on. They fight over the annual Christmas party, Thanksgiving is a nightmare, and don’t even get me started on Easter.”

  “Easter?”

  “Shhh!” Isla cupped a hand over my mouth. “Not too loud, his hearing aid is always on high, you can’t breathe without him hearing about it. And if he corners you, there won’t be an escape without him telling you a two-hour story about the one time Goo-Poh forgot to decorate her door.”

  “You’re shitting me.”

  “To this day, he puts a paper cross on her door every week to remind her of her failures.”

  Stunned, I could only stare at Isla and wonder what the hell sort of retirement home I’d walked into. Last time I’d only been aiming to get at her—this time, it felt like I’d stamped my passport and taken a ride on the crazy train.

  We walked arm in arm down the hall, people waved, she smiled brightly. And then she quickly shoved me to the right so hard I rammed my head against the wall.

  “Kiss me.”

  “What the—”

  Her mouth collided with mine so fast I had to hang on to her for support, and then all I was thinking about was the kiss.

  And her soft body.

  And the fact that even after Stanley walked by with a look of disgust on his face, I could still get an erection.

  It was a win-win.

  She pulled back and looked over her shoulder. My mouth followed her, aching for more, needing her taste, wanting to cover her body with mine and plunge into her like this morning.

  “Oh good.” She pulled back and grabbed my hand. “Stanley’s also nominated himself the Night’s Watch.”

  “Like Game of Thrones?”

  “Yup, he’s a huge fan of Jon Snow, and he’s been known to wander the halls saying, ‘Winter is coming’ whenever Goo-Poh walks past. Naturally she retaliates with a Chinese curse. I think they secretly like each other but both are too stubborn to make the first move.”

  “Why make the first move when you can live in a perpetual state of sexual tension? Sounds like a great way to live the rest of your days,” I muttered.

  Isla grinned up at me. “Know a thing or two about sexual tension?”

  “I almost mounted you next to the bread basket last night—so that’s a strong yes.”

  She blushed that pretty pink. I wanted to kiss it away from her face, was about to, when she stopped in front of a door.

  Sure enough, there was a paper cross taped to it. She ripped it off and knocked twice.

  It jolted open.

  “Goo-Poh!” She was doing a really bad job of selling the excitement.

  Goo-Poh looked away from her and to me. “You drink the tea?”

  “By accident,” I said through clenched teeth. “I had a headache.”

  “Hah.” She motioned for us to come in. “Works every time.”

  Son of a bitch.

  Isla mouthed “Sorry” to me as we walked in.

  I don’t think many things could have prepared me for what I walked into, and by the time the door shut behind me, I knew it was the beginning of the end.

  Everything was wrapped in plastic.

  Like Goo-Poh was a Chinese Dexter just ready to murder me and wrap my body up. I gripped Isla’s hand, but she just walked over to the couch, sat down, and began pouring fucking tea like I wasn’t about to get murdered by her aunt.

  I sat next to her, and Goo-Poh sat on her right.

  Isla looked at her as she poured, and stopped when Goo-Poh pressed two fingers to the table.

  Isla nodded.

  I wondered what the hell I was missing in the exchange, and hoped to God it wasn’t sign language for Yes, carry on with the killings.

  “So.” Goo-Poh sat back against the plastic couch with her tea. “You’ve impregnated my niece.”

  “About that—”

  “This moment”—Goo-Poh grinned so wide I was afraid her face was going to crack—“I have prayed to the ancestors since she was born. I have told her every day that your duty to your family is to bring honor with more family. And the only way to do that is on your back.”

  I choked on the tea Isla had handed me.

  “With your legs in the air like so.” She flicked her wrist into the air. “To receive.” Was I supposed to say something back like You’re welcome? Or It was a great time, thanks for the boner tea?

  “Uh,” I gulped and then smiled. “Well, as you know, I care about Isla very much.”

  It wasn’t a lie.

  But Isla would assume it was.

  Her face fell slightly.

  “But you need to know . . .” Shit, I was going to give her aunt a heart attack, her eyes were assessing as she locked on to mine and waited, her lips parted.

  Was it hot in here?

  I tugged at my shirt and cleared my throat as Goo-Poh tilted her head ever so slightly, like she was bracing herself for war or a great disappointment.

  “That we . . .” I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t say it. “Couldn’t be more happy to be having a baby.” I spread my arms wide. Shit, I was going to hell.

  The words just rushed out before I could stop them.

  Isla pinned me with a glare I’m sure she learned from Goo-Poh, and I chugged the rest of the tea and prayed for the apocalypse.

  She was happy! Her face. I didn’t want her to clutch her chest and say Isla brought shame upon the family!

  “Oh.” Goo-Poh smiled wider and then stopped smiling. “You sure you did it right? Because sometimes these pregnancies, they don’t stick, you need to do it often and well.” She stood. “Here, let me just find a few things.”

  She went to a cupboard.

  I peered around Isla.

  The cupboard was floor-to-ceiling.

  Everything had a label.

  Even the kitchen drawers had labels.

  “So, I take it you learned how to label from her?” I whispered to Isla.

  She chucked the plastic-covered remote at me. “What the actual hell!”

  “I’m not going to be responsible for killing your Goo-Poh! You can’t just drop that kind of bomb on an eighty-year-old woman!”

  “You can! You will!” she whispered harshly. “You just get up and say, Hey, I don’t have swimmers! Or My swimmers can’t make it.”

  “My swimmers damn well make it every time and you fucking know it!”

  “Can this not,” she hissed, “be about your penis, just for once? Can this be about not getting deeper into the shit we created?”

  “I’m not making this about my penis, you’re making it about my penis! And we’re in shit because Blaire opened her big fat mouth!”

  “Don’t bring Blaire into this—”

  “Here we are!” Goo-Poh was back.

  With a bag.

  A giant bag full of smaller bags.

  Oh God, I was leaving with drugs.

  “Now”—she dumped them onto the table—“everything is labeled wrong, so you’ll need a code.” She pulled a highlighted sheet of paper from her pocket.

  Isla covered her face with her hands.

  “Blue is the nickname, pink is the real contents. Easy!”

  “And you do this with the wrong labels because?”

  She scoffed. “It’s not like a man to pick up a plastic bag that says Erection and go, I should make that tea right now!” She laughed.

  I didn’t.

  “Though it’s not wise to drink all the tea.” She winked.

  “Noted,” I said tersely. “I’ll be sure to be more careful next time.”

  I was setting that bag on fire.

  Goo-Poh sat with her hands in her lap. “Now that’s taken car
e of, where am I planning the wedding?”

  “Oh, Goo-Poh.” Isla looked uncomfortable. “Remember it’s not real, this marriage isn’t—”

  Goo-Poh spat on the floor, then raised a hand and said something in Chinese. “Young lady, you will not bring shame on the family. You will marry this nice young man with his big muscles. You will have many babies. You will have a fertile womb. And you will do it next week, during the even days.”

  It was my turn to panic.

  We’d never planned on going through with it, but she was so excited, beaming actually, and to backtrack now? Admit we lied? Admit everything after seeing her excitement? I didn’t know what to say, what to do.

  “Now, we should discuss the meal.”

  I struggled for words.

  I had none.

  Isla looked at me for help but I’d already screwed us, hadn’t I?

  “The, um, meal,” Isla gulped. “Naturally you’ll be in charge of everything.”

  Goo-Poh patted Isla’s thigh. “Good girl.” She grabbed Isla’s face with both hands. “Now we eat, you look too skinny.”

  And with that, she got up and walked into the small kitchen.

  “Yesterday I was too fat.” Isla slumped. “What are we going to do?”

  I said the only thing I knew we could do.

  “Eat.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  ISLA

  I was surprised I wasn’t hyperventilating. Nothing was going as planned. We’d had a plan and not just deviated from it, but gone over a hundred miles an hour in the opposite direction.

  Blaire just had to open her big mouth.

  Granted, at least we got Vanessa’s confession.

  But now I wasn’t just getting married to Jessie Beckett—and soon—I was giving my Goo-Poh free rein for the prewedding meal, and I wasn’t even allowed to drink because I was pregnant.

  I touched my stomach.

  “It happens.” Goo-Poh motioned to my hand. “When the blessing is beginning to grow.”

  I quickly dropped my hand while Jessie’s face paled next to me.

  The problem was that we’d had sex while my aunt prayed.

  Yes, I was on the Pill.

  But I wasn’t stupid, I knew that things could still slip through.