If You're Willing

by Ivy Symone

  If a person had been watching them, they would know that Eli’s attraction for Cassie began before she started working for him. He watched her on the boat during last year’s Fourth of July celebration. He found it amusing when Tanya and Cassie fought that girl. But he could tell she went hard for her friends. After getting to know her, he understood why her friendship with Tanya and Jazmin meant so much.

  Cassie was wearing a coral sleeveless sheath dress with ankle strap nude heels. He liked that color on her. It softened her demeanor. And it complemented her mocha skin. He told her to stop dressing so drab as if she believed she couldn’t be beautified. Right before his eyes, she blossomed. She walked around with more confidence and smiled more. The only problem he had with Cassie was not allowing herself to be loved.

  Cassie finally decided to come into his office. It was like she flipped a switch, and her smile disappeared. Now she wore a look of apprehension as she approached his desk.

  “Hey, I wanted to discuss something with you,” she said. She didn’t bother to sit down.

  “What?” he asked.

  “Uhm…I think it would be a good idea if I didn’t work so close with you anymore,” she said and averted her eyes.

  He wasn’t expecting that. “Why is that?”

  “Just so we both can have a peaceful working environment. No distractions. No tension.”

  “You’re still running,” he pointed out.

  “There’s no reason for me to stop,” she countered. She shifted her eyes to his.

  “You gotta slow down first. You’re running so fast, you don’t pay attention to the reasons telling you to stop.”

  She released a frustrated breath in defeat. “I don’t wanna talk in riddles with you. As a matter of fact, I’m done pretending. I got a baby on the way. And I need to get myself together.”

  “I wanted to stop pretending a long time ago.”

  She wanted to get back to the original subject. “I’m asking you for permission to work elsewhere in the company.”

  To satisfy her he said, “I’ll look into it and let you know something.”

  “Thank you,” she said. She turned around to walk out.

  “Cassie,” he called out.

  She turned back around and waited for him to speak.

  “We need to talk—”

  She cut him off. “No, we don’t.”

  He blurted out, “Who’s the daddy?”

  A wave of bafflement crossed her face. Slowly, as she realized his words, she said, “None of your business.”

  _____

  Cassie refused to let Eli’s words get to her. In the back of her mind, she had a feeling that was how he felt. But this wasn’t just about him. And then he wondered why she wanted to work somewhere else. She couldn’t deal with looking at him and working so physically close. In order to move on, she needed to push him out of her head and her every day life.

  For the rest of that week, she asked him about transferring somewhere else. He gave her the same dry ass answer: looking into it. Was he trying to force her to quit? Knowing him, he was getting a kick out of aggravating her. But she refused to let him get to her. She kept a positive attitude and continued to smile in his face.

  “What’s up Cassie?” Rock asked. He took a seat beside her on the steps of Jazmin’s deck. It was Father’s Day, and Jah and Jazmin decided at the last minute to have a small gathering and put some food on the grill.

  The smell of the beer seeping from his pores, was nauseous. Frowning, she said, “You stink. Get away from me.”

  “You don’t never want to talk to me anymore,” he said feigning hurt.

  “I just be preoccupied,” she said.

  “You can’t be that damn preoccupied. What’s up though? I miss your ass,” he smiled.

  His crooked smile and chipped tooth, made her smile. It was one of the things she found attractive about him. “You don’t miss me.”

  “Yeah, I do,” he said. “With your hateful tail.”

  “Well, I don’t miss you,” she said playfully.

  “I know that. That’s why you ain’t bothered to call a nigga,” he said.

  “I meant to call you and ask you how things went in court.”

  He was confused. “In court?”

  “Yeah, you know, the money?”

  “Oh…Yeah. It went good. Thank you again,” he said.

  “That’s good. So how are things with you and Melody?”

  “I don’t wanna talk about her ass. Let’s talk about me and you.”

  Cassie giggled. “There ain’t nothing for us to talk about.”

  He looked her over. “But you looking good. You smell good. And is them titties tryna grow?”

  She started laughing. She nudged him. He wrapped his arms around her and tried to grope her breasts. “Stop,” she laughed. “They hurt.”

  “Well, let me rub them and make them feel better. I can kiss them later if you need me to,” he joked.

  “I’m sure you would love to do that,” she said.

  “For real though,” he said as his arm snaked around her. He squeezed the side of her ass. “I miss this.”

  She looked him in his eyes. Rock wasn’t the one for her. His eyes spoke it. All he wanted was what he could get. She wanted a deeper, meaningful relationship. And she didn’t want to sleep around having casual sex. That was Colette, not her.

  “The only way I’d sleep with you again is if we were in a committed relationship heading towards marriage,” she said.

  “Look…I fucked up before. But we can try again. Start things off slow and let shit grow.”

  “I don’t know Rock,” she said with uncertainty. She stood up and wiped the seat of her maxi dress. He stood up with her. When she turned to walk back in the house, her eyes landed on Eli. He looked her way briefly then turned his attention back to Romyn and Jazmin.

  She was almost tempted to go home when she first discovered that he was there. He wasn’t alone either. Kris and the kids accompanied him. So far, he hadn’t said anything to her.

  “Where you going?” Rock asked.

  “Back inside,” she said. “It’s hot.” As she headed towards the back door, Eli looked her way again. She was thankful that Rock decided not to follow her or he would have had something to say about the look she and Eli shared.

  She turned away from his gaze and proceeded inside. Since the den was occupied by the older adults, Cassie went upstairs to the bonus room. It was cool and the ceiling fan was going. She picked up the remote and turned the tv on. She sat back propping her feet up on the ottoman while she channel surfed.

  She settled on The Martian. She was fifteen minutes invested in the movie when someone came to ruin her solitude. She glanced towards the doorway. Instead of turning away with detest, her eyes lingered and appreciated how sexy Eli was. He stared at her. She stared back. It was as if he was contemplating even coming in the room.

  She finally turned her attention back to the tv. She missed something and had to rewind it. She tried to focus on getting back to what she missed as he came in and sat beside her. The hairs on her arm stood up and she fought against the shiver coursing through her body.

  “You okay?” Eli asked.

  “I’m fine,” she said keeping her eyes on the tv.

  “I’m not.”

  “I don’t think I asked if you were,” she retorted. “Shouldn’t you be downstairs with your wife and kids?”

  “I will be, but I needed to talk to you first.”

  “I don’t wanna talk. I just wanna move on. Hell, I wanna forget things even happened.”

  “Cassie, that was my problem with you. You want to forget that it happened, but hell you didn’t even want to acknowledge it while it was happening. It was a game of pretend for you.”

  “Whatever Eli,” she said dismissively. She cut the volume up hoping to either drown him out or send him the message that she didn’t want to hear him.

  “And now you want to shut the conversation down.”r />
  “I wasn’t trying to have one,” she said angrily. She turned to him and snapped, “And how you gon’ say it was a game of pretend for me. It was one for you too. I wasn't pretending by myself.”

  “No, it never was about pretending with me. I was going along with it until you felt comfortable with what we were doing. My feelings for you were very real; but I realized you didn’t want me. All you wanted was dick to temporarily make you forget about your problems. Between you and Kris, I’ve been on this rollercoaster ride of emotions. And I don’t wanna ride it anymore.”

  “Fine,” she said. “I was trying to help you out by moving on, but here you are up here talking to me. Seems like you ain't hopped off yet.”

  He placed his hand on her stomach. “This is why I’m up here.”

  Why did he touch her? Her body came on like a motion sensor. She would be lying if she said she didn’t miss him. She missed him, she craved him, she wanted him, and she loved him. She didn’t think it was possible, but Cassie had tripped and found herself falling in love with someone she wouldn’t have imagined. The attraction was always there, but the thought of him actually wanting her was unconceivable. Until it happened; and things accelerated like a wild fire.

  “Is it Rock’s baby?”

  “I told you whose it was,” she said throwing his hand off her.

  “Are you sure? That sonogram said you were seven weeks. I didn’t start cumming in you until about five weeks ago.”

  Cassie groaned and rolled her eyes. “The way it’s calculated you’re already two weeks along in gestational age when you conceive. The doctor broke it down for me cause I was confused too. According to what he told me, I likely conceived around the time we went to the hotel, or at Saint Anejos.”

  He didn’t say anything.

  “And I stopped fucking with Rock right before I started working at BevyCo,” she added. Her voice lost the attitude and was now dismal. “I ain’t getting rid of it. I’m thirty years old and I’ve been wanting a baby. I wanted a husband too but shit don’t always work out like you want it to. Why it was you, I don’t know. But you can pretend like it’s not yours. Just don’t—”

  “There you go with that word again. I didn’t want anymore kids, but at the same time, I didn’t try to prevent it. And I understand your reason for wanting to keep it. But are you really ready to be a mother?”

  What angered her most was not his questioning of her motherly capabilities, it was the fact that he was hinting at abortion. She didn’t answer him. She placed the remote down and hopped up.

  Eli grabbed her arm as she tried to step around him. He pulled her down unto his lap. “Don’t fucking run. Talk to me.”

  “You want me to get rid of it. You don’t want it,” she said trying not to cry.

  “Cassie, you just told me I could pretend that it wasn’t mine. Make up your mind. Do you want this baby?”

  She nodded.

  “Do you want me to be a part of this baby’s life?”

  She hesitated.

  “What do you desire? If you could have it your way. What do you want?” He searched her eyes looking for an answer.

  She thought about it. “You.”

  “Okay...and you can have me as long as you’re willing to give me you too,” he replied.

  “I thought you were done. I thought you and Kris were—”

  He shook his head emphatically. “That's dead. I don’t want her. I only told you that shit because I wanted to see if you would stop the pretending. And I’ve been trying to put her out for the past few days. She’s been acting real stupid. But you fucked my head up when you showed me that ultrasound.”

  “I felt like you should know. I didn’t show it to make you choose me or anything.”

  “I know, but I chose you a long time ago. And while I was in Italy I realized that. But that was also why I didn’t want to talk to you while I was there. Cassie, I was missing the hell out of your bipolar ass. And it wasn’t about sex only. I felt malnourished, like I was starving for your company. I was supposed to be enjoying Italy, but all I could think of was how much you would enjoy it. The color purple made me think of you. I missed your bouncing knee when you get bothered. I missed seeing that look in your eyes that made me wanna hold you forever. When it comes to you, I don’t think of the past, I’m not afraid of the future…I just want the right now. And I…”

  His voice trailed as he searched for words to best describe how he felt. “You know how kids are excited about going to Disney World? They can hardly sleep the night before because they’re so anxious. When they finally make it there, they’re overwhelmed with this rush. And they just wanna scream how goddamn great it is to be surrounded by all of their fucking favorite Disney characters...Whether I’m mad at you or if we’re making love, or when we’re working side by side…You’re my Disney World.”

  Cassie started tearing up as her heart ballooned. She was speechless and couldn’t contain her enraptured smile.

  He placed a soft kiss on her lips. When he pulled back, they stared into each other’s eyes speaking to one another as they always have done. He said softly, “I never knew what being in love felt like, until you. Hell, I didn’t even think I was capable of falling in love.”

  She lightly chuckled through her falling tears, “Me either. And I feel sick when you’re not around.”

  Eli wiped the fallen tear from her cheek. He spoke soothingly. “For the record, your maestro had that ring on that day because his three year old doesn’t understand what’s going on between her mommy and daddy. She saw it on the nightstand in my room. She handed it to me and told me to put it back on that morning so her mommy would come back. But she didn’t know Mommy had already taken hers off.”

  Cassie grew angry and tried to hop off his lap, “I’m about to kick Kris’ ass.”

  Eli laughed while holding her down. “No, you’re pregnant remember? And so is she.”

  Cassie let her shoulders drop and looked at him with sympathy. “She told you?”

  “No, I accidentally found out. I haven’t even told her that I know.”

  “I was gonna tell you I saw her with that Jim Jones fucka at the doctor’s office, but again, I didn’t want you picking me as your next option.”

  As he absorbed the news, Eli contemplated telling her what he knew about Rock. He decided against it; it wasn’t the right time. And with Cassie’s little ass possibly turning into a Tasmanian devil, he didn’t want her putting the baby at risk. Besides, he knew it would devastate her.

  “I’m not worried about her or her problems anymore. I just wanna make sure you’re okay. So I’m asking you again, what do you want?”

  A big smile spread on her face and without thought or hesitation, she replied again, “You.”

  Chapter 19

  Jah observed the way Cassie and Eli had been dancing at the 90s party. He also witnessed the exchange between Cassie and Eli at the party before she left. He saw the way Eli touched her and how Cassie walked away. If the person standing in front of him had been someone other than Rock, he would have told them to look, but he kept it to himself. That was until he made his way back to Jazmin that night at the party.

  He told her, “I think Cassie and yo’ cousin got something going on.”

  “Who? Eli?” Jazmin asked with her face scrunched up. “Why would you say that?”

  “Just watch they ass. Them niggas think they slick. How they be acting at work?”

  Jazmin gave it some thought. She one-shoulder shrugged, “They’re cool. I mean we all act silly. They just work. Nothing special.”

  Jah grimaced, agitated by Jazmin’s inobservance. “Juicy, you don’t pay attention to shit noway. A mothafucka can be robbin’ yo ass right in yo face…and you’ll watch his ass take yo purse and walk off and then yo monkey ass’ll be lookin’ for yo shit askin’ me where it at. And I’ma tell yo ass, ask the nigga that just rob you.”

  Jazmin laughed, “Shut up Jah. I am not that bad.”

 
“Shit,” he mumbled under his breath.

  That was when Cassie walked over to tell Jazmin she was leaving. Unable to be convinced to stay, Cassie left.

  Jah turned to her and said, “Didn’t you see her ass was upset? Look over there…See who watchin’ her ass?”

  Jazmin looked in the direction Jah was gesturing towards. Yes, she saw Eli following Cassie with his eyes, but that didn’t really mean anything. She said, “So. Cassie been getting a lot of looks tonight. And Eli always looking at people trying to find something to make fun of them about.”

  Jah gave Jazmin one of his “you stupid” looks, but he didn’t want to call her that. He decided a while ago that he wouldn’t refer to his wife as stupid anymore, but she was still retarded as hell.

  “Wait,” Jazmin said. “On second thought…Him and Cassie do be acting all secretive. They both stay gone really long times for lunch. And when Cassie come back she be starving. “ Jazmin laughed.

  “That’s cause Eli breaking that back in. How you go to lunch and yo ass still hungry?”

  “Well, I thought she was just running errands and didn’t have time to eat,” she said. “Oh wait! Sometimes Eli calls her in his office and she shut the door. The blinds be closed…Oh my God! Have they been fucking at work?”

  Now, at his house and out of curiosity, Jah wanted to know if he and Jazmin were right. While Rock had been talking to Cassie out on the deck, Eli’s attention kept going to them. At one point, Jah could see a glint of anger cross his face. When Cassie got up they gave each other a look. Jah didn’t see this because Rock’s big-headed ass came over talking to him. This was what Jazmin whispered to him minutes later. Rock walked away to take a phone call and talk privately. Eli then went in the house.

  “Go see,” Jazmin whispered excitedly.

  “Naw, Rock might come lookin’ for my ass.”

  “I’ll tell him you went to get something out of our bedroom.”

  Jah went in the house and didn’t see Cassie or Eli right away. He even looked in his man-cave where the others had migrated to. They weren’t in there. He didn’t see them in the kids playroom either. Trying to be discreet he looked in the guest bedroom on the main floor; still not there. Quietly he went upstairs. It wasn’t even necessary to go all the way up. He halted as soon as they came into view. The bonus room’s door was wide open and they didn’t give a fuck about being caught. Or maybe they were just caught in the moment.