by Vella, Wendy
“You walk me out now, Annabelle.” Ethan took his hand from her mouth, then wrapped his fingers around hers before leading her from the room, closing the door softly behind them. They walked out of the house to where Jake’s pickup stood.
“I understand that he needs to hear those words. I’m just not sure that they needed to be said so soon,” Annabelle said now that Cooper couldn’t hear them.
“If he’s lucid, he’s ready to hear them from where I’m standing, and maybe they’ll stop him from behaving like a petulant kid,” Ethan said, moving to lean on the side of the vehicle.
“He’s not petulant, he’s coming down off heroin!” Annabelle said, feeling an unreasonable burst of anger fill her body. Too many emotions, all battling for supremacy, and not enough sleep, she thought. It was a wonder she hadn’t lost her sanity days ago.
“You’re letting him walk all over you because of your guilt, and he’ll keep doing it until you stop.”
“And your behavior in Texas towards your father and brother was rational, was it?” Annabelle snapped back. “You just waltzed right into that palace and told dear old daddy the way it should be, didn’t you? That he was a size twelve bully and that you were there to tell him to stop.”
She watched as he gritted his teeth, jaw clenching as he struggled to hold on to his calm. “That’s different,” he said.
“Why? Because my brother is a drug addict loser and yours is a multimillionaire loser? Your problems are different simply because your family is better than mine? Is that it?”
Her words weren’t rational, and it was wrong that she was attacking him this way because she knew he didn’t really feel that way, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. The words were just filling her head, eager to be spat out in a nasty torrent. After days of holding her tongue, it seemed Ethan was going to pay.
“Don’t be foolish. That’s not why,” he said with a calm that Annabelle could see he was far from feeling. “It’s just different, that’s all.”
“Not from where I’m standing. You were protecting your siblings with your passive behavior just like I am, so don’t go judging me when you were doing the same thing.”
His eyes bored into hers, angry blue shards. “We’re not talking about my family. This is about yours.”
“Hurt, does it, when I poked at that sore spot that you have right there?” Annabelle jabbed her finger hard into his chest. “That place that tells you you failed? You didn’t do everything you could to protect your siblings when they needed you most.”
He pushed off the pickup and grabbed her shoulders. Lowering his head, he looked into her eyes. “I’m not having this conversation with you now, when you’re not rational.”
“I was being rational. You just didn’t want to hear what I had to say, when you know it’s the truth. You just hate that I was right,” Annabelle snapped at him. “I know my brother has faults, and he’s behaving badly, just like yours did, but unlike you I can actually do something to fix it.” God willing.
He released her and stepped back to the car, almost as if he needed it to hold him upright. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t bullshit me. You know I’m talking about Brad.”
“Brad is beyond fixing, because my father has broken him.”
“Yeah, but did you ever try, or did you just think… Well, hell, at least if I let Brad do what dear old dad wanted me to do, it takes the heat off?”
Annabelle knew she’d hit the jackpot the minute she started speaking. She saw the flash of surprise and then the guilt that he hid quickly, but it was there.
“Ethan.” She lifted a hand towards him, “I’m sorry. I had no reason to say that. I’m just angry about…well, pretty much everything.”
“Because that makes it all fucking right, doesn’t it? Speak and then apologize, the story of your life from where I’m standing, Annabelle.” Anger flashed from his eyes. Gone was the man who’d made love to her and talked firmly to Cooper. This one looked like a caged lion suddenly, and she’d done this to him.
“It hurts because it’s the truth,” she said gently, ignoring his anger because she knew it stemmed from deep inside him, from that place where he locked away his feelings. She tried to reach for him again, but he pushed her aside.
“I came here because I care about you, and I wanted to help, not to talk about this bullshit you’ve invented about Brad.”
“It’s not bullshit, and deep down you know that. Now wasn’t the right time for me to raise the subject, and I’m sorry for that, because I known it hurt you like it hurt me when you talked about Cooper. We’re not rational about the people we love.”
Like you.
“I don’t love my brother, so you can stop putting me into the same fucking box as you and your brother,” he said, then wrenched open the car door and climbed inside, before slamming the door shut behind him. “Call if you need me.”
She stood in the driveway and watched him back out, angry and hurting. She’d stirred up something inside him and she knew he needed time away from her to work through what he was now feeling. It hurt that’d she’d done this to him when the only reason he’d come to see her was to help her, to show her he cared, and she was sending him away in pain.
Sighing, she turned back towards the house. Guilt wasn’t a pretty emotion, and now she had even more of it. She hadn’t really thought about how Ethan felt about Brad when she was in Texas, but when he’d started in on Cooper she’d launched an attack right back, and her words had hit their target dead center.
Ethan felt guilt about Brad because he was a man with a hero complex. He fixed things, loved people, made women feel good. His circle wasn’t huge, but those within it knew that Ethan Gelderman would do anything for them. The fact that he had a brother out there in the world whom he’d cut adrift didn’t sit well with him. He’d given up on his father and mother long ago, but not Brad. Brad was still a raw spot that he’d never been able to heal. And now she’d scratched at it, scraped open even more emotion.
What worried her most was that he’d never forgive her, because she might think it best if he wasn’t in her life, but she didn’t really believe that…not really.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Ethan felt like his head was about to explode. His breathing was rapid, and his skin was tight, as if someone had switched it and this one wasn’t his size. He couldn’t seem to fill his lungs with enough air to really breathe deeply.
“You’re fucking wrong,” he said loudly, slamming his fist onto the steering wheel. Annabelle had to be wrong…but Ethan knew deep inside him, in that place where the dark and angry shit lurked, that Annabelle had hit him with deadly accuracy when she’d talked about Brad.
He drove too fast on the way back to Jake’s place, and soon pulled up in front of the barn his friend was working in. Ethan wanted to just get in his bird and fly away from Howling, but he couldn’t do that, not to Jake. He climbed out, stalked inside and found his friend under the hood of a car.
“I’m leaving, so see ya.”
Jake lifted his head and looked across the engine at Ethan, then stood upright wiping his hands on a rag. “What’s up?”
“Nothing’s fucking up, I just need to leave!” Ethan snarled before bracing both hands on the car. He then lowered his head and tried to breathe as the emotions inside him threatened to boil over. He heard Jake walk away from him, then return seconds later.
“Drink this.” A soda was waved under his face, and because he didn’t want to say something he’d regret, he agreed. Taking the can, Ethan stood and drank deep.
“Keep going,” Jake said when he lowered it.
He drank fast at first, then slowed as he neared the end. “Thanks.”
“No problem. Now talk.” Jake went back under the hood and back to work.
“I need to leave here now…today.”
“I got that part, just not the reasons why.”
He wasn’t big on spilling his guts, especially not about his
family. “It’s messy, Jake.”
“And what I went through with Branna wasn’t? Jesus, Tex, just get it off your fucking chest, because I’m not letting you fly until you do.”
Jake wasn’t looking at him, which was probably a good thing, because it made it easier if he was going to open a vein. “Cooper was hurting Annabelle, so I told him he was basically a spoiled punk and that he needed to get his shit together and respect her. I told him I’d be his caregiver if he didn’t.”
Jake whistled softly.
“Then me and Annabelle went outside and got into it…and not in a good way,” Ethan added. But they had, and that was what made this so hard. He’d held her, loved her, and they’d been so close… and then they’d fought.
“I’m trying to erase that picture,” Jake muttered.
“So she started in on me about Brad.”
“Brad being the next to you in the Gelderman sibling line?”
He and Jake were tight, but until a few days ago, Jake hadn’t known anything about Ethan’s family.
“It’s a long, ugly story, Jake, but the short version is that when my father realized I couldn’t be molded he turned to Brad…and I let him,” Ethan said softly.
“Were you and Brad tight before that?”
“He was okay. We all hung out and stuff, the usual brother issues, but it all changed when I told Dad I was leaving. Things really heated up for Brad then is my guess, and while he’d started to become an asshole, he’s now a straight A in that field.”
Ethan was slowly starting to calm down while he talked to Jake. He was still angry, but at least now he could think clearly.
“And you blame yourself just like Annabelle with Cooper, because you walked away from him?”
“I guess I do, now it’s been pointed out to me by that smart-mouthed witch,” Ethan said. He’d always tried not to think about Brad, and he realized now that that was because he did carry guilt over the brother he’d turned his back on.
“The woman you love?” Jake added.
“We don’t all need to be loved up, McBride.” Ethan avoided answering.
“I thought you threw those little black books away, Tex.”
Ethan sucked in a deep breath, enjoying the feel of air filling his lungs. “All the women I’ve met, and I choose the most awkward, belligerent, mouthy one of the lot,” he sighed. “Life is a weird thing, Jake.”
“Suits me and Branna just fine, though.”
“How do you figure that?”
“Two people we care about hooking up, makes it all nice and tidy,” Jake added, still not looking up.
“I’m leaving before you start crying,” Ethan said. “Watch my girl,” he added over his shoulder.
“That’s a given,” Jake called.
Ethan stopped at the doorway and turned back. “Thanks, man.”
“We’re still not even, bud.” Jake gave him a steady look, now standing beside the car. “But if it counts any, I think she’s the right woman for you.”
“We’re even.” Ethan lifted a hand, then walked out the door.
He sent a text to his sister before he took off, and a reply was waiting for him when he landed in Brook. When he reached his apartment, he got a cold beer and sat, then dialed the number Hope had given him.
“Brad? It’s me, Ethan.”
“What do you want?”
Not a great start, Ethan thought, but more or less what he’d expected. “Hell if I know, but if you’ll give me a few minutes, I’ll try to explain it.” Ethan waited for the phone to disconnect, but Brad stayed on the line. “I’m sorry I let Dad get at you, sorry that I was never there for you, but what I really want to say is that if you ever need me then you only have to call this number and I’ll come.”
There was a long silence. Ethan held his breath until finally Brad spoke.
“Fuck you, asshole.”
Ethan pocketed his phone after Brad hung up. He’d known that his brother wouldn’t be receptive to anything he had to offer, but he’d had to try, to plant the seed that Brad had a place to run if he needed it. He probably never would, but Ethan had decided that he would send his brother a text once or twice a week, even if he got no reply, just a few words, because now that he’d opened that particular vein, Ethan knew it would never close again.
Looking at his phone, he thought about calling Annabelle, but thought better of it. They both needed time to cool down. He’d never really missed a woman before, but he did her. It was like an ache deep down inside, like a part of him was missing.
“So this is love,” he said, getting to his feet. “Who knew?”
A text message woke him in the early hours of the morning. Hoping it was from Annabelle, Ethan switched on the light. It was from Brad.
Did you mean what you said?
Every word, Ethan texted back.
Brad said nothing more, but it was a start. Closing his eyes, Ethan thought about his girl as he drifted off to sleep.
Annabelle had slept badly the day Ethan had flown out of Howling. She’d heard his helicopter leave, as had her brother, but neither of them said anything. She’d carried guilt over Cooper, but this was worse, because she’d attacked Ethan and he’d only been trying to help her, trying to show her he cared.
What if he never forgave her?
Annabelle wouldn’t think about that, couldn’t think about it. Ethan wouldn’t turn away from her; she had to believe that, even though she deserved him to.
She was avoiding Cooper unless it was to take him his meds or food, because looking at him made her angry over what she had done to Ethan. No, Annabelle thought as she slumped onto a chair. It was her own fault, not her brother’s. She had said the nasty, spiteful words, not Cooper.
The second time she went into Cooper’s room, he’d showered and was sitting in the chair beside the bed, which he’d made. He smiled when she handed him his tray of food, and thanked her politely, so she thanked him back and left. She didn’t think it would last, and it was possibly happening only because Ethan had threatened him, but she’d enjoy the ceasefire for as long as it stood.
When a knock sounded on her front door, Annabelle didn’t want to answer it because she wasn’t fit company for anyone, and the effort of trying to be polite was beyond her at the moment.
“Hey, you.” Annabelle tried to smile when she saw Macy Reynolds on her doorstep, but was sure it fell short. “And you,” she said, bending down to tickle the chin of Billy, who gave her a gummy smile.
Like Annabelle, Macy had lived in Howling her entire life. She’d been born rich, was homecoming queen and married a man everyone believed treated her like a princess. She’d always appeared to believe herself better than everyone else. However, the reality was that her husband been abusing her for years and no one knew. Annabelle still felt a tug of guilt when she thought about how Macy had suffered and how she and Branna had treated her before they knew what she was hiding.
“Is Billy teething, Macy?”
“Yes,” she sighed, pushing a mousy blonde curl back from her cheek. It had once been platinum blonde hair.
“It’s so good to see you, Macy, and my baby boy, there,” Annabelle said, bending to blow a raspberry on his cheek. “But you may want to rethink this visit, because Cooper’s home and—”
“I know about the heroin and why he’s back, Annabelle, so relax and make me some coffee,” Macy said, and then maneuvered the stroller inside the house and lifted Billy out and onto her hip.
Annabelle had noticed that you needed to carry a lot of stuff when you had a baby. The huge bag slung over the handle told her Macy had brought along all the necessities that Billy might or might not require.
“Are you sure? I mean, Cooper’s not in a bad mood today, but he can be pretty mean sometimes, Macy, and I don’t want you and Billy getting a mouthful from him,” Annabelle said.
Her friend smiled. It was gentle, nothing like the brittle ones she used to deliver. This one was genuine and soft, as was the hand she brush
ed down Annabelle’s cheek. “You bring us all some coffee, Belle, while I introduce Billy to Cooper.”
“Okay, if you’re sure,” Annabelle said, still looking doubtful.
“I’m sure. You look tired, sweetie. If you want to take a nap, we’ll sit with your brother a while.”
“No, I’m okay. Seeing you and Billy is making me feel better.”
“I felt like that about you and Branna when it all went down with Brian. You two were like my lifesavers.”
The words were not spoken to make a statement. They were, in Macy’s eyes, the simple truth, and Annabelle felt humbled that she’d helped this woman, even in a small way, when she’d been going through her own nightmare.
“I don’t know if I’m helping him, Macy.” Annabelle sucked in a deep breath as she felt the fear and uncertainty rise inside her again. “The Doctors McBride both say I am, and I know I’m not alone, but it’s hard watching him suffer, and not being able to help him.”
“I know. How about we sit outside after I’ve visited with him and have a chat about everything? Or nothing, if you want to,” Macy said.
Annabelle grabbed the hand Billy waved at her and kissed it before she nodded. “Yes, I’d like to do that.”
She made the coffee and listened to the voices to make sure Cooper’s didn’t rise. When she carried the tray of mugs in minutes later, she was in for another surprise.
“Coffee, excellent, I need some of that,” Macy said, getting out of the chair and taking it from Annabelle.
Billy was sitting on Cooper’s lap staring up at him, and the look on her brother’s face was so different from anything she’d seen for a long time that she had to clench her teeth together to stop her jaw from dropping.
“Cooper thinks Billy is the cutest kid he’s ever seen. I said he may revise that opinion at three a.m. when he wakes up screaming.” Macy nudged Annabelle into the seat she’d just vacated and handed her a coffee, then took hers and sat on the bed beside Cooper.
For twenty minutes the three of them sat and talked like adults. The conversation was polite and the entire time, Billy was happy to sit on Cooper, who in turn didn’t say a lot but held the boy close.