I wanted to comfort him, but instead I stood there in silence for a few minutes before he finally spoke.
“Why . . .” was all he said, then his voice broke and he shook his head. I walked closer to him, both wanting to comfort him and wanting to slap him.
“He’s nice and not confusing, or mean, or whatever else you happen to be on any given day. I’m not going to be your second best Nathan, and I’m not going to be the girl you cheat on your girlfriend with.”
“Do you seriously think you are second best? I can’t . . . I need to . . . Jasmine, you’re amazing and so special, more special than you realise, but . . . Never mind, let’s go.”
He turned away from me and began walking towards the road, but I noticed that his shoulders were shaking and he was walking slower until he stopped completely. I walked slowly forwards and saw he was sobbing into his hands. As I reached him he turned and walked slowly into my arms,
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I want to tell you but I can’t.”
“Why? Why can’t you tell me? “I asked as I rubbed his back stunned at this outburst. I had really hurt him. I stood in front of him and embraced him. It felt right and as though I belonged here. I yearned for these simple moments, but he had a girlfriend and she wasn’t me.
“I just can’t,” he whispered as he kissed my head. We stood holding onto each other. “Jas, not James ok? If you are gonna date, please don’t pick James? “
I said nothing once I heard the raw emotion in his voice. We walked the rest of the way home in silence. I wanted to ask him who he would prefer I went out with, but his face was so pained I clamped my lips shut.
We reached the driveway and he sprinted into the house. I stood outside for a minute as a numb feeling radiated through me. I walked slowly into the house, wondering what on earth was wrong with him that he had to run away from me.
The next morning I woke up and was up dressed and downstairs before everyone else. I was making myself tea and toast as Nathan walked in. I watched him as he moved closer to me, but he didn’t speak a word to me. He just made himself toast and a coffee. His eyes didn’t look my way the whole time. I was directly across from him and it was the first time since the talk that I’d had a chance to look into his eyes.
I had decided to go upstairs with my tea because the kitchen was so uncomfortable. As I walked to the end of the breakfast bar, so did he and we stopped facing each other. He glanced at me and in that glance I saw the pain he was trying to mask and the longing in his gaze. His eyes were red and puffy but he shook his head as I stared at him, drinking him in and moved away from me.
He shifted so he wasn’t looking at me when we met on the opposite end of the breakfast bar. As soon as his breakfast was ready, he left and I stood there open mouthed at the torment of his expression when he left.
I walked back upstairs contemplating how to fix us, but decided that he had chosen Lisa and I wanted nothing from him, no matter how much it hurt me. I decided to focus on my date with James and try to forget about the confusing drama that Nate brought to me.
When it was time to leave for school I made my way downstairs and bumped into Jenny. She greeted me with her usual glare as Mrs Stevenson spoke to us.
“Nathan has left already so you and Jenny should walk into school together.”
She turned and walked away and I thought about how unpleasant this walk to school would be because Jenny hated me so much. Surprisingly the walk to school was ok because Jenny didn’t speak to me or even acknowledge that I was there. She spent most of her time on her phone on Chatzone. I walked in silence, contemplating my date that night. This was my first actual date and I was really excited and nervous about it. I wasn’t going to let Nathan’s comment put me off. He had made his choice and he would have to live with it.
As we neared the school gate Jenny slowed down to walk beside me and as we reached the gate, she walked into me, shoving me into the gate so hard that I banged my head on the metal.
She walked away laughing as I picked myself up and felt my head. Oh shit my head’s bleeding. I walked into school spotting the faces from my nightmares as their faces shifted back to the ones from my nightmares. I blinked a few times. I noticed Nathan look at me and shake his head, but he turned and walked into school with everyone else. He didn’t look back at me and I saw him smirking as he walked towards the stairs.
The blood was flowing pretty quickly from my head, and as I walked through the doors, one of the office ladies grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the nurse’s office.
“You’ll have to wait in here,” she said gently, “I’ll go and get the nurse to look at your head.”
Dizziness overwhelmed me at this point and was sitting with my head in my hands as the nurse came in. She poked and prodded at my head and said,
“The cut’s not deep, so I’ll put on some butterfly stitches and that should stop the bleeding.”
I didn’t speak and just let her get on with it. I kept my eyes closed and eventually she spoke,
“There all done. Wait here and I’ll check if we have a spare shirt, your collar is covered in blood.”
She walked out of the room and I began to retch. My stomach rolled as I made my way over to the sink. I just made it and my stomach cramped as I threw up over and over again. I slid down the sink covering my eyes with my hands as they began tearing up. Why did this keep happening to me? The smell of roses filled the room and calmed me. I remembered being a child. My home always smelled of roses. I needed my mum and today was one of those days where I wished she was here to give me a hug.
The nurse came back into the room, helped me up and handed me a shirt to wear. She said nothing to me, left the room and came back a few moments later to bleach the sink.
“Go to the toilet, wash your face, get changed and then come back here.”
I walked out of the room towards the toilet and bumped into Danni.
“Oh jeeso Jas, what happened?”
“Nothing, I fell into the gate.”
“I’ll see you at break.”
I stepped into the toilet and glimpsed my face in the mirror. This made me realise why Danni was so shocked. My face was caked in dried in blood. There was some on my nose, on my cheek, on my neck and above my lip. I got some paper towels out of the dispenser and set to work cleaning myself up. Once my face was clean, I changed my shirt and scrubbed some blood off of my tie. I stood and stared at myself in the mirror, telling myself I was fine, that everything was going to be ok. I walked out of the door and into the corridor, right into Nathan. He looked at me sadly then looked up and down the corridor before grabbing me and dragging me into the storage cupboard, two doors down from the bathroom.
“Are you ok,” he whispered touching my head gently.
I looked down trying to work through the emotions that he brought out in me. He touched under my chin and lifted my head up so I was looking him right in the eyes.
“Answer me please Jasmine, are you ok?”
“I’m fine,” I croaked out, looking at him as the atmosphere crackled around us. He smiled and softly touched his lips to mine before turning and walking out of the cupboard. I walked out a few seconds after him, closed the door and was walking back to the nurses office, feeling more confused than ever, when the nurse popped her head out,
“I wondered where you had gone Jasmine, please come in here?”
I walked into the office and she smiled at me, but her teeth seemed all wrong for a second, long and sharp instead of normal. After a second they looked fine, but I was very nervous now.
“What happened to your head? How did you get hurt?” she asked me kindly, but I could feel a tension behind her words, as if she was waiting on something.
“I fell into the gate.”
“Is that all that happened?”
“Yes. I’m very clumsy at times.” I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t telling her about what had actually happened. I wanted to, but it seemed like something was stopping me from sa
ying the words.
“Ok, you may go. Take this note to your teacher and try to be more careful in future.”
I smiled at her and walked out of the room and as I turned to close the door I could have sworn I saw her pop a cotton piece covered in blood into her mouth. My stomach revolted and nausea rose again.
I walked to class and some of my classmates sniggered behind their fingers.
“Your late,” the battleaxe said in a low growl.
“I know, I’m sorry,” I said handing her the note.
“You will just have to stay in at interval to make up for your tardiness.”
I stormed over to my seat. This was just great. My head was cut open and I was being punished for it. I got out my jotter and began taking notes. When the bell went for interval, the whole class was dismissed and moved towards the door. I remained seated and a few other people came into the class.
“Fill up the first three rows. No talking.”
I hadn’t looked up at all. I was trying to write my essay and was so focused on what I was doing that I jumped as I felt a hand squeeze my knee. I looked to the side and there was Nathan, smiling at me from the corner of his mouth.
I smiled back and the battleaxe started speaking,
“You are all in here for a reason. You may leave when this buzzer sounds and you will make sure that you leave quietly. There will be no speaking, and if I hear a sound this detention will be repeated for the remainder of this week.”
With that she turned and walked out of the door. Nathan was writing something and when I turned back to my work, there was a piece of paper shoved under my jotter. I took it out, smiled and read it.
I passed it back to him and he wrote,
He placed his hand on my knee and squeezed it gently, then we both got back to work. His fingers flexed on my leg and I shifted slightly. I caught his smile. His eyes still looked sad as he slipped another bit of paper towards me.
I heard his breath huff out and I stared at him as he stared at the note. The buzzer went off and we both jumped. Everyone else scarpered. I was packing up my bag and ignoring him. His games were really starting to get to me. I glanced at him and opened my mouth to say something when I noticed Nathan wasn’t looking at me. His body was facing away from me as he stared out of the classroom door. I followed his eyes and saw Lisa standing there watching us.
He walked away from me without a word. My heart rolled over and I dropped my eyes to see there was a note sitting in his chair. I picked it up and read it,
I looked at the note, but witnessing him leave with Lisa strengthened my resolve to go out with James. He was being such a hypocrite. He seemed to want me to be the other woman, but wasn’t willing to tell me how or why he was keeping me safe or from who.
I stormed towards my next class and saw Nathan and Lisa standing midway down the corridor. They were kissing and my chest contracted as though I had been winded. I stalked away from them, but I couldn’t stop myself glancing back. Nathan glanced my way and his face tightened as I shook my head at him. He pulled away from Lisa, but I didn’t see any more. I left them to it, whatever they were doing was nothing to do with me.
The rest of my morning classes passed in a bit of a blur and soon it was lunchtime. Katie and Danni had been in my class and we all walked down to the lunchroom together. James came over and asked if I was ok while we stood in the lunch queue.
“I’m fine thanks,” I answered sharply.
He looked a little taken aback, although he smiled a moment later,
“Are we still on for tonight?”
I glanced around the lunch room and caught Nathan’s eye. He gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head, so I turned back and smiled, “Yes of course, where would you like to meet?” As I spoke I saw the look on Nathan’s face and it scared me a little bit. I decided in that moment that he needed to realise I was entitled to being in a relationship where I was valued and not treated like some object that he could pick up and throw away whenever he pleased.
“How about half six at the clock tower?” he asked smiling at me.
“Perfect, I can’t wait.”
“Me either.” With that he leaned over and kissed me gently on the lips.
I smiled as he walked away and looked over to where Nathan was sitting, but he wasn’t there. I slipped into a seat beside Katie. Lisa was gushing over how sweet James was, but I tuned them out as I looked around for Nathan. A little while later I excused myself. I needed some air and I knew the perfect spot. Danni offered to come with me but I wanted a minute to myself.
I walked outside and around the corner. The rain had started but it was just a light drizzle so it didn’t bother me. I made my way around the school, seeking out a little hidden part that I had discovered during one of my detentions. It was in a little shelter, next to a back fire exit and through a fence. The fence had a hole in it and the shelter was a few feet long and a few feet deep but hidden from the yard and onlookers.
I kept walking, hearing voices, but they were indiscernible over the wind. As I finally reached my spot I found it taken by Nathan. He stood there glaring at me without speaking. I moved through the fence and into the shelter. I didn’t speak to him or even acknowledge him because my head was pounding as though someone was dancing on my skull with concrete boots on.
I leaned down and put my hands on my head. I was standing like that when he came over. He stood beside me for a minute, and even with my head in agony I could feel the tension coming off of him. I glanced over at him through squinted eyes and he began talking to me.
“Jas I asked you not to go? Why are you going? Are you trying to make me jealous?”
I couldn’t speak. I was stunned by what he had just said. He moved so he was standing in front of me and tapped his foot. The pain in my head ramped up and I turned away from him, sucking in short breaths, trying to control the sick feeling in my stomach as it rolled about.
He growled as I turned away,
“Seriously? Just answer me.”
I opened my mouth to answer him when another wave of nausea hit me causing me to start breathing shallowly. He put his hands on my shoulders and turned me towards him, the minute he touched me my headache melted away.
“Please,” he said gently kissing me, “please, just don’t . . .” another kiss. I felt his hot tears sting my cheeks as he rested his head on my forehead. “I can’t bear the thought of you going out with him . . .” His breathing was shallow as he held me and his body shook. My heartbeat was racing and his kissed my neck, sucking the skin. My whole body burned and he lifted his eyes to mine. He smiled at me, kissed me once more before a voice broke through ruining our moment.
“Nathan, where are you?” Lisa’s nasal voice sounded close. He jumped away from me as though I’d burned him before he wiped his eyes on his sleeves. He left without another word and went back to her, leaving me standing there as nausea and dizziness battled for an entirely different reason than before.
The rest of the day passed in a bit of a blur. I had double maths that afternoon and was sitting in class in a daydream. I wasn’t really paying attention. When Danni asked me if I was looking forward to my date I just shrugged and didn’t answer her. My thoughts were consumed with why he wanted me to promise I wouldn’t go out with James, yet he was staying with Lisa. I needed to make a decision about Nathan once and for all. Was he worth it? Yes. Did I want to be with him? Not while he had a girlfriend. Was I willing to fight for him? Without a doubt.
On my way home I made up my mind and resolved to speak to Nathan when I saw him next. I steeled myself as I opened the door, having decided to text James and cancel, but what I witnessed when I walked into the house was what cemented me into going. I walked inside the door and saw Nathan and Lisa heading upstairs to his bedroom. I followed slowly behind them as she asked if he had any protection. Nausea rose again and I walked into my room, getting changed as quickly as possible. I flew downstairs a few moments later to speak to Mrs Stevenson about h
eading out for the evening.
“Have you done your homework?” she asked, not looking up from the book she was reading.
“I don’t have any due in tomorrow,” which was a lie, but I had done most of it. All I had left to do was to add a conclusion but I was not staying here while Nathan was going to sleep with Lisa.
“Ok, then you have fun.”
I turned away from her, checked myself in the mirror, my brown top bringing out my eyes nicely. My brown hair was loose and curly and my fake smile didn’t look forced, although my eyes were glistening with unshed tears. I walked towards the door, when a shout as loud as gunfire made me jump.
“NO!!!”
I spun around. No one was there, but I flinched at the sound. I went to walk out the door and felt as if I was being held back. I pushed through it, and once outside I breathed normally again. I headed down the steps and started the walk back into town.
My phone beeped from my bag and there was a message from Danni wishing me luck for my date and another from a number I didn’t know.
I asked you not to go.
I was stunned and texted back straight away,
I know, but I couldn’t stand being in the house.
I didn’t get a reply back which made me think that he was probably too busy with Lisa. The thought made me feel sick.
As I walked I texted Danni back a quick thank you and asked if she was free for a coffee while I waited till it reached six o’clock. The coffee shop was right next to the clock tower, and since it was a different one from the day before I felt safe going there.
Danni text back saying she was already in the coffee house with Katie and that I was more than welcome to join them there.
I slowly ambled my way into town thinking about Nathan and what was going on with us. I decided that this thing with Nathan was a non starter. I didn’t want to feel anything for him because to him I was just a toy, something to play with when all the more interesting toys were busy.
Luminosity (Escaping Demons Saga Book 1) Page 13