Renegade (Ministry of Paranormal Research & Defence)

by Chapman, Andrew

  “Marie?” said Jack, pulling off his helmet and giving me a concerned look. “Love?”

  I fought with the damn chinstrap, finally getting it open, and pulled my own helmet off. I could feel the flush in my cheeks and knew I had a slightly crazed look in my eyes.

  “Shit, Marie, are you okay?” he said.

  I nodded, smiling wide.

  “Wow,” I said, “adrenaline high.”

  I took several deep breaths, trying to control the laughter bubbling up from inside me.

  “That was fun,” I said. “I had no idea I was such a speed freak.”

  Jack crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Didn't know you were a speed freak?” he asked. “Bollocks. I've been, on more than one occasion, clinging on to the passenger seat of our Land Rover for dear life whilst you, my darling, adorable, innocent little puppy, have been driving like a maniac on crack.”

  “I do no such thing,” I said haughtily.

  “Yeah, I'm not buying that for a second.”

  “Good, 'cause it's not for sale. You gonna lock the speed machine up?”

  Jack had several pieces of security for his motorcycle, from a giant metal lock to a little device that fitted on the handgrip and, he said, prevented the vehicle from being driven even if you had the keys.

  “Nah, even the lowlifes around here know better than to steal from outside The Cœur de Lion if they want to continue through life with working knees.”

  He studied me for a second.

  “This isn't likely to be a lot of fun for me,” he said. “You're gonna love it, though.”

  “Why?” I asked, concerned. “What's happening?”

  “Follow me and find out.”

  He held the door for me and we stepped inside. I was left blinking as my eyes adapted to the subdued lighting after the bright sunshine outside.

  “Jack! Long time no see, buddy! How ya bin?”

  The man addressing Jack was standing behind the bar, a huge, broad-shouldered man in a faded black t-shirt.

  “Jack!”

  This greeting, along with several others, came from a group sitting around one of the tables.

  “Hi everyone,” said Jack.

  The group was a mix of men and women, most stamped with the unmistakable look of ex-military personnel.

  “You know the rules, Jack,” said one shaven-headed man. “Fuck off down the end of the bar. We get her to ourselves for thirty minutes.”

  I looked at Jack, a heavy weight in my stomach. What the hell was this?

  “Sorry, love,” he said, backing away. “Be gentle with her, guys?”

  “Piss off Jack,” said one woman. “I remember how you treated me on my day.”

  Jack turned and walked down to where the barman was now standing, taking a seat on a high stool.

  “Sit down, luv,” said the woman. “This won't hurt much.”

  “Okay,” said the shaven-headed man once I'd taken a seat. “This is the tradition. We, most of the guys, served together in the Marines or the Regiment, and whenever one of our number gets ready to settle down, we get thirty minutes to tell you all of his dirty secrets and as many funny stories as we can remember. Jack can't complain; he started the tradition.”

  I looked from face to face, feeling relieved.

  “Don't worry,” said a woman on my left. “This is actually fun. And we've been waiting to do this for Jack for a long time.”

  “Yeah, never thought anyone would hook him,” said a man across the table.

  “Okay,” said the woman who had spoken first. “Introductions. My name is Joanne, and I'm married to Danny.”

  She indicated the shaven-headed man, who smiled and winked at me.

  “We were actually the first to go through this, way back in the day,” said Joanne. “Jack enjoyed this just a little too much, so we're looking for revenge.”

  I glanced down to where Jack was sitting and gave him a grin.

  “That's Bobby and his wife Diana, Dave and his husband Paul, Tommy and his wife Zoe, the barman's name is Ben, and finally Chris, who has yet to find his one and only.”

  “Never thought I'd be last,” said Chris. “We all thought Jack would be a bachelor for life.”

  “You'll find someone, honey,” said Zoe.

  “Hell, if he doesn't soon, we'll find someone for him,” said Paul.

  “Yeah,” said Chris, “but do we have the same taste in prospective spouses?”

  “Chris, sweetie, trust me, I'll find you the nicest guy,” he said, giving me a wink over the laughter.

  “Hey, sorry I'm late,” came a voice from behind me. “Did I miss it?”

  “Yes you did,” Jack yelled from his place at the bar. “Go away and keep your wild accusations to yourself.”

  There was a round of raucous laughter as I turned around. It was Helen, Bill's wife. I stood up and gave her a hug.

  “Hi Helen, I didn't know you were coming.”

  “Are you kidding, Marie? I wouldn't miss this for the world.”

  She took a seat and exchanged greetings with everyone. I realized now where I knew most of the group from: They had been at Bill's memorial service.

  “What'd I miss?” she asked.

  “Nothing yet, babe,” said Paul. “We were just about to start.”

  “Ooh! Ooh! Let me go first!” said Helen.

  “Sure, but with a reaction like that you better have a doozy of a story,” said Joanne.

  “Oh, I do, something Bill told me about six months ago. Something I'll bet none of you know.”

  “Oh, sweetie,” said Paul, “if this is going to be too much for you, just say so.”

  “No, it's okay,” said Helen, smiling bravely. “I find it easier to focus on the good times. Bill ... Bill wasn't Bill when he died. And Jack set him free.”

  “Okay, luv,” said Danny with a tenderness that was at odds with his hard appearance. “Just let us know if you need anything.”

  “Okay, will do,” she said. “You ready for this?”

  She paused for effect, a mischievous grin on her face.

  “Jack and Bill slept together.”

  There was a stunned silence for a few seconds, then an explosion of laughter.

  “Hot damn!” said Dave. “I have to hear the story behind that line!”

  “Okay, back when they were in the Marines, Jack and Bill were on exercise in the Brecon Beacons.”

  “Oh,” said Tommy. “This is going to be a hypothermia story, right?”

  “Well, I thought this was going to be about hot man sex,” said Dave.

  “Shut up you two,” said Dianna. “Let her finish. I, for one, have no idea what you're talking about, so just let her tell it.”

  “Thank you, Dianna,” said Helen. “Okay, it started to rain, really heavily. Then the temperature dropped and the rain turned to sleet, then to snow.”

  “Oh, sounds bad,” I said.

  “Yeah, wet then cold? That's when hypothermia sets in, and the military has a procedure to sort that out.”

  I gave her a puzzled look.

  “You share body heat,” she explained. “You find somewhere nice and sheltered, get out of your wet clothes, and two guys get in the same sleeping bag.”

  “Naked?” I said, trying not to laugh.

  “Of course.”

  “Bill and Jack? Naked? In one of those little green sleeping bags?” I asked, unable to believe it.

  “I know, hun,” said Helen, grinning. “The fantasy kept me warm on many nights when Bill was away.”

  “I never believed that,” said Chris once the laughter had subsided. “I always thought that was just an excuse the Royals used to curl up together.”

  “That's because you're a fuckin' Para,” said Dave. “And that means you don't have the brains God gave a wet fart.”

  Helen saw the puzzlement on my face.

  “Jack, Bill, Danny, Bobby and Dave were in the Royal Marines. Tommy was in the Par
achute regiment. There's been this low-key rivalry between the two units for a very long time.”

  “It's a guy thing, luv,” said Zoe. “If the two groups stopped hating each other they might both have to face the fact that the other is pretty much the best in the world at what they do.”

  “Imagine that,” said Joanne. “Imagine how much destruction they'd cause if all the energy they use hating each other was channeled into other areas.”

  “I pray for the world,” said Danny, completely straight-faced.

  “Amen,” said Dave, his eyes twinkling.

  I laughed, still trying to swallow the idea of my man and his friend holding each other in the same sleeping bag.

  “Okay, I think I can top that,” said Bobby.

  “Bill and Jack, naked, in one sleeping bag?” said Joanne. “You better be able to back that claim up.”

  “How about the time Jack pulled the mature woman?”

  “Oh! Oh!” said Chris, jumping up and down. “I remember that one. That was hilarious!”

  “Our troop was sent to some poxy, hole-in-the-ground army base in the arse-end of England. Jack got bored and went out on the lash with me, Chris, Tanker and Strangely Brown.”

  “Who?” said Dianna. “Strangely Brown?”

  “Old joke from an old television series. Guy's name was Stanley Brown and he always tried to maintain this golden tan. We called him Stra—look, why does that matter? You listening to the story or not?”

  Dianna stuck her tongue out at him but remained silent.

  “Okay, so we were out, three sheets to the wind, when this older lady just comes up out of nowhere and starts flirting with the lot of us. She was fairly stunning, so we didn't mind. Anyway, end of the night, Jack announces he's taking Kim—that was her name, Kim—home because a gentleman always makes sure a lady is safe. To this day I don't know who jumped who, but somebody did. It don't really matter, it was clear she was game for it. Jack told us all about it the next day. Well, what he could remember, that is.”

  Everyone was listening intently. I didn't think much of hearing about my man's former conquests, but I didn't want to spoil it.

  “So, couple of days later we see Kim again. Only now she's dressed far more conservatively and she's walking around the base on the arm of the base Commanding Officer. It was his wife!”

  “No!” said Joanne, clapping her hands over her mouth.

  I joined in with the laughter. That was so Jack.

  “Want to go one better?” said Chris. “When we were in Germany he caught the attention of a pretty blonde WRAF corporal and had a one-night stand. He didn't find out 'till months later that the cute little thing in Royal Air Force blue was their daughter.”

  “The C.O. And his wife? No fucking way!” said Danny. “Shit, Jack never just fucks up, does he?”

  “Okay, I think I can top that,” said Dave. “What about that time with the Chinook and the tank?”

  CHAPTER

  6

  Every round of laughter from the group made me cringe. I didn't have to work hard to imagine the kind of things they were telling Marie over there.

  “Don't worry,” said Ben, the barman, and a former Marine. “You only have ten minutes left.”

  “Whose dumb idea was this?” I groaned, staring into my half-empty cup of coffee.

  “Some fool who wasn't already married, like me, and who never actually thought he'd get married,” he said, topping up my cup.

  “Me, in other words.”

  “Too right. You've got no-one to blame but yourself.”

  “It's not like I'm even getting married,” I protested.

  “Well, you did it for Dave and Paul, back when same-sex marriage wasn't legal, so I don't think you could use that as an excuse, pal.”

  “Fuck. Is Danny telling her about that time in Saudi?”

  “Given the gestures he's using,” he said, pausing for a round of laughter, “I'd say he's telling them now.”

  He turned to Fiona, his one and only barmaid.

  “You wanna look after our kid here? Make sure he doesn't slit his wrists or anything?”

  “Where are you going?” I asked suspiciously.

  “I'm going to tell your lady about that time in High Wycombe with Bronk's lizard.”

  “Bastard,” I said as he walked away.

  “You asked for it, Jack,” said Fiona.

  “I know.”

  “Look on the bright side,” she said. “She looks like a winner and she hasn't bolted for the door, yet.”

  “Yet,” I said.

  Fiona busied herself around the bar and I sipped my coffee. They were both right, the pre-nuptial roast had been my idea when Danny had got engaged to Joanne, so I really couldn't complain.

  “What's the story with Bronk's lizard?” asked Fiona.

  I sighed and shook my head.

  “We crashed at a friend's house on our way to points east. I was sleeping in his spare room.”

  I was interrupted by Ben giving a girly scream.

  “And that's the sound I made when I woke up to find this bloody great three-foot long lizard sitting on my bed and just looking at me the way lizards do. Bugger had a stuffed lizard and put it on my pillow for a joke.”

  She laughed and shook her head.

  “You're just lucky you didn't shit yourself.”

  “It was close,” I admitted. “Not a nice way to wake up.”

  “Uh oh,” she said. “Looks like someone just asked how many women around the table you've slept with.”

  “I'm not bothered about that. It's just Marie.”

  “Really, so why did Zoe put her hand up?”

  I turned to look. Zoe was talking and blushing, Marie was giving me a frosty look. And so was Tommy.

  “I never slept with Zoe,” I said, puzzled.

  “She seems to think you did.”

  I thought about it.

  “No, I think I would remember that,” I said. “I didn't meet her until after she was with Tommy.”

  “I don't know about that, but Zoe seems to be fairly sure.”

  I let out a heavy sigh and shook my head.

  “Just another problem to sort out,” I said.

  The last few minutes passed with agonizing slowness, but finally I heard Danny calling my name. I drained my coffee and stood up. Time to face the music.

  I walked back to the table, getting several variations on smirks from most of my friends. Marie looked tense, like she couldn't wait to get me out of here to start yelling at me.

  “Didn't make a run for it, sweetheart?” I said as I sat down.

  She shook her head and smiled.

  “A lot of it was funny,” she said. “Especially you and the lizard.”

  I smiled, nodding at the memory.

  “I think she freaked a little about Zoe,” said Joanne.

  “Yeah, you kept that one from us,” said Paul.

  “Kept what from you?” I asked, a sinking feeling in my stomach.

  “Jack,” said Zoe quietly.

  “What?”

  “You two, getting it on,” said Chris, a look of open admiration on his face.

  I turned to Zoe.

  “When?”

  Zoe stared at me.

  “What do you mean, 'when'?” she said.

  “I don't remember that,” I said, leaning forward. “When did it happen?”

  “Two thousand and two,” she said promptly. “Gibraltar. I was there on holiday with some friends.”

  I met Danny's eyes. He suddenly broke into laughter.

  “What?” asked Zoe. “What's so funny?”

  “Honey,” I said carefully. “That's a bit of a stretch.”

  “What?” said Joanne intently. “What does that mean?”

  “Well, he'd have to move pretty fast to have sex with Zoe in Gibraltar in oh-two,” said Danny, still laughing. “We weren't in Gibraltar in oh-two. We were ... elsewhere. That entire year.”

  “No,” she protested. “You were ther
e November oh-two.”

  Danny shook his head, still laughing.

  “No, we were in the Middle East,” I said. “From July oh-one to June oh-three, when they moved us to Hungary.”

  “Oh Zoe,” said Chris in a sing-song voice, “you got some 'splaining to do.”

  “No, that can't be true,” she said.

  “My guess is she was getting it on with her dildo and letting her imagination run away with her,” said Bobby, which earned him a black look from his wife.

  Zoe was looking at me helplessly.

  “No,” I said. “We didn't meet till oh-three.”

  “Jack,” she said plaintively. “It was you. I didn't imagine it. When I saw you, when Tommy introduced us, I was mortified. And then I was livid at you for not even having the good grace to be embarrassed. I'm not making it up.”

  I sat back and stared at her.

  “No, I don't believe you are,” I said. “I remember you giving me funny looks that night. So, what? Alternate reality? Parallel universe? Doppelganger?”

  “You're making fun of me,” she said, tears standing in her eyes.

  I leaned forward and took her hands in mine.

  “Only a little, babe,” I said. “And only because I have no idea what to make of this. I wasn't there, it couldn't have happened, but obviously it did or you wouldn't be getting this upset over it.”

  Everyone was looking puzzled, Marie more than most.

  “Are you sure it was the same man?” said Dave. “Our boy's pretty distinctive, but you're positive?”

  “Yeah, well, the second time we met his hair was shorter and he'd bulked up a bit, and he'd gotten his ear pierced, but it was the same guy.”

  I slumped forward and let out a heartfelt groan.

  “And did he have a tattoo of a grinning skull with a knife in its teeth on his right shoulder?”

  “Yes! Yes he did!”

  “Okay, I got my ear pierced when I was fourteen, and the only tattoo I have is my blood group on my left bicep. I've never had long hair and I've been about this size since I was twenty.”

  “All true,” said Danny. “So who was it, Jack?”

  “You know,” I said. “And, you bastard, you knew I wasn't anywhere near Gibraltar in oh-two. You could have said.”

  “This was more fun,” he said, winking.

  “So who was it? There's a Jack-alike out there somewhere?”