A Boy's Christmas Wish

by Patricia Johns

  Beth found the door to the corner store unlocked, and she pulled it open and stepped inside. The warm air was welcome, and she rubbed her gloved hands together. Danny was sweeping out the corners where refrigerators used to stand. His sleeves were rolled up to reveal muscular forearms. He looked up as she came inside.

  “Hi,” she said.

  “Hey.” A smile crept across his face. “Cold?”

  She nodded and pulled off her gloves, setting them on the counter. “It’s not too bad out there, though. Feels warmer than yesterday.” She headed toward the heater and unwound her scarf.

  “Yeah, I thought the same thing. There’s no wind today—that’s the difference.”

  “Must be...” Like everyone else in this town, they knew how to make small talk about weather. But Beth had more on her mind than the windchill. “Can I ask you something?” she asked.

  “Sure.”

  “How horrible was I to Linda?”

  “When I knew you?” he asked.

  “Yeah.”

  Danny grimaced. “She had a lot of it coming.”

  That was answer enough. “So I was bad.” Even as an adult.

  “You reacted,” he said. “Can’t really blame you for that. She pushed your buttons a lot.”

  Still, Beth wished she had a little less to regret.

  “I think it takes a special sort of person to raise someone else’s kid,” she said with a sigh. “Like a saint. I wasn’t fun when I was a kid. Maybe not even after I was grown.”

  “You said you didn’t want to be a stepmother,” Danny said. “When Lana dropped Luke off—”

  “It was a shock,” she said. “You’d never breathed a word about him before, and all of a sudden there was a child in the mix. What was I supposed to do?”

  “But you told me that being a stepmother was too much for you,” he countered.

  Beth sighed. “Being a stepmother is hard, Danny. You aren’t the mom that child remembers, and yet there you are doing the hard work. It is a big thing to ask. Starting a family together is a whole lot different than stepping into a role with a child already there—all set up to hate you.”

  “He was three,” Danny said, his voice low. “He wasn’t going to hate you.”

  He’d been young, that was true. But Lana had been part of the picture, too. She was that child’s real mom, and she’d be back—at least that’s what Lana told her when Beth talked to her on the phone later. She’d be back. That little boy and his mom complicated everything.

  Danny returned to his sweeping. Beth unbuttoned her coat and scanned the ceiling. She spotted the dangling cord attached to the attic trapdoor. It was on the far side of the store, and she headed over there while Dan cleaned.

  Beth reached for the cord, but could only swipe it with her fingertips. She’d need something to stand on. She looked around and saw a stepladder. She grabbed it and planted it under the attic door. Beth put her foot on the first rung. Her balance was different these days, and this being a stepladder, she wouldn’t be able to hold on to anything while she climbed. She stepped up another rung and reached up toward the cord.

  “What are you doing?” Danny’s voice was suddenly right next to her, and she teetered, her heart flying into her mouth. She felt the stepladder shift under her foot, and as she came down, his strong arms clamped around her. Her breath whooshed out of her lungs, and she was left gasping for breath.

  She scrambled to get her feet under her again, and as she did, Danny let go of her, scowling down at her.

  “Thanks,” she breathed, trying to catch her breath again. Her heart still hammered in her throat. That had been close.

  “I don’t have the insurance to cover a pregnant woman climbing stepladders! What were you doing?”

  “The attic trapdoor,” she said, pointing upward feebly. “I wanted to get up there.”

  It seemed mildly foolhardy now, but what was she supposed to do?

  “You could have asked!” Danny didn’t seem to be calming down at all, and he reached up and pulled down the trapdoor. A ladder unfolded and landed on the tiled floor with a thunk.

  “Thank you,” she said with a faint smile. “Much appreciated.”

  “So you’re climbing that ladder?” His tone didn’t hide exactly what he thought of that idea, and that baleful glare hadn’t abated, either.

  “Danny, I need to get something down from there.” She shook her head. “Instead of yelling at me, maybe you could give me a hand.”

  That was about as close to asking as he was going to get. Danny muttered something under his breath, which she should probably be grateful she hadn’t heard. “What are you looking for?” he asked.

  “The star for our Christmas tree...and whatever else is up there, I guess.”

  Danny started up the ladder, his head quickly disappearing into the attic. He was a tall man, and solid. She’d noticed how the last five years had changed him. He was tougher now, more muscled.

  “So have you been this daring your whole pregnancy?” His voice was muffled.

  “Yes.” Up until quite recently, she’d been on her own in Edmonton. There hadn’t been much choice. There was more muttering, this time a little less under his breath, and he handed down a small box.

  “Is this it?”

  She reached up to grab the box and opened it. “Yes, thanks. This is it.”

  Danny came back down the ladder. “I’ll bring the rest down later. It looks like some old stashes of cups for the slushie machine, though.”

  Danny still looked annoyed.

  “Danny, I’m sorry I left like I did. I should have stayed for more closure, I guess. I don’t know what to say.”

  She’d ticked him off, that much was clear, and he was silent for a couple of beats.

  “Be more careful, Beth,” he said, then pushed the ladder back up into the attic, perhaps to keep her from getting any more ideas about climbing up there. He also scooped up the stepladder. But Beth wasn’t oblivious to the dangers around here. Nor was she ungrateful for his quick catch. If she’d fallen, she could have badly hurt herself, or worse, the baby.

  “Danny?”

  He turned back, and for a moment he was the old Danny with those soulful eyes and the chiseled jaw.

  “Thank you for catching me.”

  “Yeah...” He stomped back over to the corner and picked up his broom again. “No problem.”

  Her heart was still hammering faster than usual, and if forced, she’d admit that her near fall had scared her worse than she let on. Pregnancy wasn’t easy, and it was harder still to be facing it alone. She rubbed her hand over her stomach.

  She didn’t have a husband to humor her or keep her from overexerting herself. She didn’t have that loving, watchful spouse to care if she stretched too far or had a craving for ice cream at ten at night. And while she was a grown woman perfectly capable of caring for herself, she knew that she was more vulnerable right now. But giving in to that vulnerability wouldn’t help anything. She was on her own now, and she’d be on her own after this baby was born. She’d better get used to it.

  “I think I’ll head back,” Beth said.

  “Beth, I didn’t mean to bark at you.” Danny scrubbed a hand through his hair.

  “I know,” she said. “It’s okay.”

  “You just scared me. That’s all. Sorry.”

  She’d scared him? His angry outburst had been covering fear for her safety?

  “It’s okay,” she repeated. “I should probably get out of your way.”

  He didn’t answer, which meant that her instinct was right, and he could use his space. Beth turned toward the door. When she glanced back, she found Danny’s brooding gaze fixed on her. He didn’t look away, and she was the one to turn and pull open the door.

  “
See you,” he said, and she stepped outside and closed the door behind her.

  The tables had turned here in North Fork. Linda was gone, and Danny was on top. Beth, as she always had been, was stuck somewhere in the middle... Not family enough for her father, not daughter enough for Linda, and not enough of whatever it would have taken for Danny to come clean and tell her his whole story. Frankly, she was tired of not being enough, and now that she had a little girl on the way, she was determined to be mom enough for one tiny person.

  * * *

  DAN STOOD IN his kitchen that evening making grilled cheese sandwiches. His house wasn’t large, but it had a garage and a decent yard for Luke to play in. When he bought the place two years ago, it had even come with a trampoline, much to Luke’s delight.

  Dan could see the trampoline from the light that spilled into the backyard from his kitchen window, and it was covered in a soft layer of snow. He was hoping it would survive another year, because he couldn’t afford to replace it.

  He was still annoyed with Beth, and it had taken him a few hours of brooding in the store before he worked out why. It was because she sparked that protective instinct in him. She needed a bit of special treatment right now, whether she deserved it or not, and he couldn’t provide it. And because she was pregnant, he felt obliged to do something to make things easier for her, even though what he really wanted to do was open up that can of worms with her—she’d walked out on him when he needed her most. She’d betrayed his trust, too! She’d broken his heart and left him floundering with a three-year-old who cried for his mother and to whom Dan was a stranger.

  He’d needed her, and what were vows for if they didn’t count in the hard times? She’d been willing to marry him, so what would have happened if Lana had come a couple of weeks later—would she have still walked out? And if not, what made a week before those vows any different? They were supposed to be saying what was in their hearts already—publicly stating an already existing commitment to each other...or so he’d thought. So yeah, she was pregnant and alone, but she’d done wrong by him five years ago, and he couldn’t even address it with her. Only a complete idiot upset a pregnant woman.

  A choice between a woman and his son... He knew where he’d land. Luke was his top priority, bar none. But his anger didn’t take away those latent feeling he’d had for Beth, either, and left him feeling mildly guilty. It was more comfortable when things were black-and-white, when he could land easily on one side of the equation.

  Dan flipped the grilled cheese and admired the golden top of the sandwich. He was always rather proud of himself when he produced a perfect grilled cheese, and glanced into the living room, where Luke was doing his home reading from school. But Luke’s attention wasn’t on the book. He was staring at a spot on the sofa, his brow creased.

  “You okay, buddy?” Dan asked.

  “Yeah.” Luke tossed his book aside and ambled into the kitchen. He looked over Dan’s shoulder at the grilled cheese.

  “Yours is on the table,” Dan said, and Luke didn’t move.

  “Kiera T. is adopted,” Luke said. “Her birth mother visits her on her birthdays.”

  “Oh, yeah?” Dan eyed Luke. “You aren’t adopted, you know.”

  “I know.” Luke turned toward the table and slid into his spot. “William is adopted, too, but he doesn’t know his birth mom.”

  It seemed like the third-grade class at the local elementary school was getting to know each other a little better. Luke had gone to school with these kids since kindergarten.

  “That depends on the terms of the adoption,” Dan said. “An open adoption means that it isn’t a complete goodbye.”

  “Huh.” Luke picked up his grilled cheese and took a greasy bite. “So what about my mom? How come I don’t know her?”

  There it was. Dan’s stomach sank. Luke asked about his mom from time to time, but until now, he’d asked about her in the past tense, like where he was born or how he came to North Fork. Dan pulled his own grilled cheese from the pan and joined his son at the table.

  “She brought you to me when she realized she couldn’t take care of you,” Dan said. This was the same story he always told. “And I’m really glad she did. It was the best day of my life.”

  That was the only version his son would ever hear, but it had taken a while for him to realize that it was the best day of his life, because he’d been scared, alone, heartbroken when Beth left, and unsure of how his life would work...

  “Is she allowed to see me?” Luke asked.

  The easy answer was yes, but it came with a whole lot of questions that Dan didn’t know how to answer. He took a bite of his sandwich to give himself time to think.

  “Well,” Dan said slowly, “she can. I mean, I wouldn’t keep her away. But I wouldn’t let her take you back, if that’s what you’re worried about. I have legal custody of you, which means that your home is with me.”

  “Does she want to take me away?”

  Shoot. He’d probably scared the kid now. Dan sighed. “No, of course not.”

  And a small and petty part of him hoped that Lana stayed both uninterested and very far away...at least until Luke was older.

  “I don’t remember her,” Luke said.

  “You were only three when you last saw her,” Dan said. “Little kids forget.”

  “What’s she like?” Luke fixed big brown eyes on Dan’s face, waiting.

  “When I knew her a long time ago, she was really pretty,” Dan said. “She liked to eat her French fries with honey instead of ketchup.”

  “Ew,” Luke said.

  “Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, buddy,” he chuckled. “It’s pretty good.”

  “Do you talk to her sometimes?” Luke asked.

  “No.” She’d left contact information, and she updated that by email periodically, but that was it. She was living in Vancouver now. They didn’t chat. She didn’t ask about Luke. Maybe it was too painful for her—he didn’t know.

  “What if I wanted to meet her?” Luke asked.

  Dan sighed. “It’s not as simple as that.”

  “How come?” Luke pressed. “She’s my mom. I’ll bet she wants to see me.”

  Dan wished that were true, but if Lana had wanted to see Luke, she’d have done it long ago. And he was wary... While it was good that she’d left contact information, she had never made any overtures, and Dan had two fears: first, that she’d change her mind and try to take Luke back. Just thinking about that left him anxious. Dan couldn’t afford court costs, and if she tried to just drive off with Luke... He pushed the thought back.

  The second fear was that she’d show no interest at all in seeing their son, and Luke would be rejected all over again, except this time he’d be old enough to remember it.

  Dan and Lana hadn’t been a terribly serious couple when they’d conceived Luke. They’d met at a party and dated on and off for a bit. Dan hadn’t been a mature guy at twenty-six. He’d been working hard and partying harder, and he’d been wondering if he might have a problem with alcohol, considering how much he was consuming... Lana struggled with depression, and he didn’t understand it very well. Neither did she, for that matter, and they’d been fighting a lot. Then she told him she was pregnant. She said she wanted to raise the baby without him, and he was fine with her choice. He was offered a job in Alberta, and he took it.

  He wasn’t proud of his willingness to leave Lana with all the responsibilities now, and that was why he refused to bad-mouth Lana to Luke. If Lana had kept Luke, she might have told equally disastrous stories about him—how he’d just walked away and never looked back. He wouldn’t do that to Luke...or to Lana. She was Luke’s mom, and he’d speak about her with respect. Always. Even when he felt most threatened.

  “Let me think it over,” Dan said.

  Luke was silent for a few
moments, munching his grilled cheese, then wiping his greasy fingers on the front of his shirt.

  “Use a napkin,” Dan said.

  “Don’t have one.” The shirt was dirty now. It was probably high time Luke started learning how to do laundry anyway.

  “Am I allowed to talk to her?” Luke asked. “Because Kiera T. can see her birth mom on Facebook, and sometimes her birth mom will comment on pictures of Kiera T. and say that she’s getting really big or something.”

  Dan put down his sandwich. “I don’t have your mom on Facebook.”

  “But you could search her, right?”

  Luke wasn’t going to give this up, Dan could tell. And he understood why it was so important to the boy, but he couldn’t change facts. Evasion wasn’t going to work, either. Luke was old enough to know that trick.

  “Right now, you can’t talk to her,” Dan said. “I’m sorry. It’s my job to decide what’s best for you, and tracking down your mom wouldn’t be a good idea. Right now. When you’re older it might be different.”

  Luke turned his attention back to his meal. Dan had known this day would come, but somehow, he’d thought he’d be more prepared for it.

  Lana could be unpredictable, and that freaked him out. When he’d told Beth about his son and his ex-girlfriend’s demand that he take over with him, Beth had asked to talk to Lana after she’d dropped off Luke. That had seemed very levelheaded of Beth, and perhaps he should have seen what was coming then, but he’d been optimistic. So he’d given Beth Lana’s phone number, and it was only later—when Beth dumped him—that she told him that Lana had promised to be in the middle of their life from that moment on. She wanted her due.

  Lana had managed to intimidate Beth rather effectively. But he couldn’t blame Lana, because in some ways she’d been right—the full weight of raising their child shouldn’t have been on her shoulders. Dan had a responsibility, too—both financially and emotionally. Except Beth hadn’t known about that when she agreed to marry him, and when she’d weighed it out in her heart, she decided that the headache Lana promised to be wasn’t worth it.