ThinandBeautiful.com

by Liane Shaw

  “What are you doing?” my mother asked. I jumped at the sound of her voice. I hadn’t heard her come in through the adjoining door.

  “I’m just getting ready to go swimming,” I answered, turning away from the mirror and trying to smile cheerfully. I wanted to look at myself again, to see if the rest of me still looked as chubby as my stomach, but I had the feeling my mom wouldn’t like that.

  “Why were you holding your stomach like that? Are you sick?” Mom moved in, with the “I’m getting a thermometer” look that she always gets when one of us so much as sneezes. She reached out and felt my forehead. I shook my head, knocking her hand off.

  “I’m fine. I was just looking at my suit. I think I need a new one.”

  My mother stood and looked at me, presumably considering the wisdom of buying a new suit. I felt uncomfortable under her gaze. She was staring at me like she had never seen me before.

  “You look very thin,” she said, taking me by the shoulders and turning me around like some kind of inanimate object.

  “I am not thin. I’m just … changing. You know, adolescence and all that. It’s normal.” I tried not to put too much sarcasm into the last word as I gently took her hands off me so as not to tick her off and went out to the pool. I had the feeling she wasn’t convinced but I didn’t really care. Mothers always thought something was wrong with you when there wasn’t. How could she think I looked thin when I was obviously still overweight? Besides, she was the one who sent me to the doctor in the first place.

  The visit wasn’t quite as much fun as when I was younger. Part of growing up, I guess.

  The rest of camp passed by pretty fast. I worked on keeping up with the other girls while knowing that I would never really measure up. I kept working on my calorie studies and was an expert by the end of the session. I was definitely down to eight hundred and the girls were all totally amazed at my willpower.

  We said goodbye at the end of the summer with all sorts of promises to write and talk and chat online and see each other again.

  That was the last time I saw any of them. It wasn’t any great loss. I mean, they turned out to be pretty nice and everything, but I knew deep down that I didn’t really belong with girls like them. They were the kind of girls who were always standing in the bright lights so that everyone could look at them. I was more the kind of girl who sat back in the shadows a bit so that no one would really notice her.

  April 6

  “So, I saw you eyeing the Wolfman. You interested?”

  I looked up, startled that someone was talking to me. There was a girl leaning against my open door. She was standing with her arms folded, looking quite comfortable and like she had been here for a while. She was wearing all black, sweat pants and a T-shirt that had a red patterned bird of some kind on it, I think an eagle. Her hair was as black as her clothes, cut super short, with sort of spiky bangs. It was straight and shiny, the kind of hair I’ve always wanted. Her eyes, which were looking at me like I was a nutcase, were almost navy blue. She was not typically pretty like the perfect girls in high school but there was something about her that made you wish you looked exactly like her.

  “Hello. Anyone in there?” she asked.

  “Hi,” I said lamely, showing off my usual top-notch social skills.

  “So, are you interested?” she asked.

  I had no idea what she was talking about, so I shrugged and said, “Interested in what?”

  “The Wolfman. I saw you looking at him earlier and he’s been kind of skulking past your room. Just wondering what’s up with that.” She came in without an invitation and sat on my bed. I turned in my chair to look at her.

  I had worked pretty hard to avoid everyone since I came here and I thought I had made it pretty clear that I wasn’t in the market for new buddies. I tried to look unfriendly, which wasn’t very hard, but she didn’t seem to care. She just sat there looking interested until I felt like I had to say something.

  “The Wolfman?” I asked, even though I was pretty sure I knew who she meant. That gorgeous guy was called the Wolfman? I knew this place was some kind of an evil cult. This girl was probably a vampire.

  “Well, that’s what I call him. He calls himself Wolf, which shouldn’t really be his name, ’cause when I first heard that there was some guy here named Wolf I thought he might be someone kind of exciting but when I checked him out I discovered, well, not so much.”

  “What?” I asked, which didn’t really make sense but nothing she said made sense to me either.

  “Well, I thought he might be all cool and dangerous, like he earned the name from his dark reputation or something. But, unfortunately, it’s really just a name he got by accident. I think he’s, like, part German or something. His grandfather or uncle or aunt or great-uncle twice removed was named Wolfgang so he got it as a middle name. I guess he liked it better than his first name so he grabbed it. But he seems more like a pussy cat to me than a Wolf, all soft and fluffy.”

  “What’s his first name?” At least the question made sense this time.

  “I think it’s Pieter or something like that. He never really uses it around here though. I call him Wolfman just to bug him. Otherwise it’s Wolf.”

  “Oh.”

  “So, you’re Madison,” she stated matter of factly. I wasn’t sure why she knew my name when I had no idea who she was but I didn’t ask. I already looked stupid enough.

  “Yeah, but mostly people call me Maddie.”

  “Cool. I’m Marina. My dad picked it out for me but my mom never liked it because she thinks it sounds like a place where you buy boats, which of course it does, but it’s still an OK name. She let my dad have first pick because they thought I was only kid number one but they got divorced so I ended up being the only kid period. Sucks for them. Anyway, my mom calls me Marie, which is not my name but I answer anyway so as not to piss her off. You can call me Marina.”

  “Oh,” I said because I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “It’s actually a Latin word that means ‘of the sea.’ I like that. I love the ocean. I’m kind of hoping to be a marine biologist some day. We lived right on the ocean when I was little, but I don’t really remember back then all that well. Weird, isn’t it? I mean, do you think I fell in love with the sea because of my name, or did my dad somehow know I was going to love it when he picked it, or do I love it because I lived near it even though I don’t remember it?”

  “Um, I don’t know.”

  “I don’t expect you to. I was being rhetorical. At least my question was. Where’d you get your name?”

  “It’s a street in New York. Not sure why my parents named me after a street in New York. Maybe I’ll end up studying streets some day.” I hoped she caught my sarcasm and decided I wasn’t worth talking to. She either didn’t catch it or didn’t care because she didn’t leave.

  “So, you want me to introduce you two?” she asked. This time I knew what she was talking about.

  “No thanks. I’m not really into getting to know too many people.” Which was a lie, because the truth was that I actually wanted to get to know the only guy I’d seen here. At least I thought I did. Marina just kind of laughed.

  “You trying to tell me something?” she asked, sounding totally unoffended.

  “No,” I lied again. What was wrong with me?

  “Good, ’cause I need someone fresh to talk to. I’m sick of all these babes with nothing interesting to say. Trust me to come up with a girl’s disease. All I have is the Wolfman and I’m pretty sure he’s afraid of me.”

  “Why?”

  “Why is he afraid of me or why do I think he is?”

  “Either one.”

  “Well, every time I talk to him he finds somewhere more interesting to be. He doesn’t seem afraid of you, though. I think he’s kind of interested. Which won’t make you very popular because he’s the only guy on our floor and the girls who are still interested in guys have all made their play for him.”

  “I
don’t think he’s interested in me and I am definitely not interested in guys at the moment. I have enough to worry about.” Although I had to admit, at least to myself, that I didn’t mind the idea that I could be unpopular because the sole dose of testosterone in this estrogen festival was actually looking at me.

  “Yeah, this place can suck big time when you first get here. Well, actually it sucks the whole time you’re here but you get used to it after a while.”

  “How long have you been here?”

  “Not long enough to get used to it,” she said with a grin. She stood up and stretched a bit in that way people do who are dancers, all graceful and elegant. She looked at me and kind of nodded like I had passed some test.

  “I’ll see you around, Maddie. Let me know if you change your mind about the Wolfman.”

  “OK. Bye.”

  I watched her walk out. She walked like a dancer, sort of on the balls of her feet with a little bounce in every step. I wondered about that name thing. How could her father have known she would want to be a marine biologist? It was more likely that she decided to go that way because of her name. I heard of some professor who studied birds and his last name was Sparrow. Speaking of names, Wolf sure was an interesting one. I never would have guessed that was his name in a million years. I mean, it wasn’t really his name but he used it so I guess it was his name. Kind of funky, actually. Wolf. Not that I was interested. I wasn’t. I didn’t have time for guys. Or for girls. I wasn’t here to make friends. I had friends. Real friends who cared about me and were probably worried sick about me. Friends I was banned from talking to in this hellhole.

  All I had time to do was to figure out how I got here and how to get myself back out.

  chapter 7

  I was always excited to see Annie again after the summer. We always had a million things to talk about. We usually bought each other something new to add to the dragon collection in the summer and would get together the night before school started to exchange gifts and talk about the new year coming up.

  When the doorbell rang the night before day one of grade ten, I grabbed the dragon T-shirt I had bought Annie on the way home from camp and ran down the stairs to open the door. I couldn’t wait to tell her all about the aliens. I knew she’d have a good laugh over the thought of me in makeup at summer camp.

  I opened the door, a big smile on my face. Annie was standing on the porch, a bag in her hand and a smile on her face as well. Her hair was tied back from her face with a red scarf that matched her shirt and she was wearing crazy-looking shorts with huge flowers on them. I was about to make a comment about her outfit when Annie’s smile seemed to do an instant flip.

  “Oh my God, Maddie, what happened? Are you all right?” She stepped forward and put a hand on my arm. I looked at her as if she’d grown two heads.

  “What are you talking about? Of course I’m all right! Am I bleeding or something?” I patted my face, feeling for large gashes that would panic Annie.

  “No, it’s just you’re so thin. You look like you’ve lost twenty pounds since I last saw you. Have you had the flu or something?” She didn’t step back, like anyone else would have done when wondering if I had some dreadful disease, but leaned in to look at me more carefully. That’s the kind of friend she was.

  “I haven’t lost twenty pounds!” I said indignantly, though I admit I was secretly pleased that she might have thought that was possible. “Maybe four or five. I’ve just been watching what I eat a little. I probably grew a bit too. Come on, we have a lot to talk about.” Annie still had her hand on my arm so I just turned around and started walking up the stairs. I didn’t want to talk about the whole weight thing with Annie. Even though she was my best friend in the whole world, I didn’t really think she would understand. She had never had to worry about her body the way I had. How could she know what it was like?

  It was really strange that night. We sat in my room like we always did and talked about the same things we always had. She gave me a beautiful dragon made out of soapstone that I added to the collection on my shelf. I gave her the T-shirt that had two dragons holding hands and the slogan “Dragons Are Forever” on it. She tried it on and we laughed at how big it was on her. We looked at clothes and talked about school and boys.

  Everything seemed the same as it always had been, except that it just wasn’t the same. Every once in a while I would catch Annie looking at me with a strange expression on her face as if wondering what I was thinking. I tried to keep my expression and mind blank so she wouldn’t use her seer skills and take a walk inside my mind.

  I had my first major crush in grade ten. Jesse Grayson. He had his locker about three down from mine. He was definitely part of the cool crowd and way out of my league. I spent most of September dropping books on my foot while trying not to look like I was staring at him. He became my favorite topic of online conversation with Annie when I was supposed to be doing my homework. All of our conversations were probably almost identical, kind of like variations on a single theme, like some of the piano pieces I used to play.

  alwaysannie says:

  ur just as cool as any of those other girls, Jesse’d be lucky to have u

  madmaddie says:

  yeah … guys like Jesse always go out with the band nerds. lol

  alwaysannie says:

  nerds cause we spend time hanging out in the music room listening to music and practicing???

  madmaddie says:

  i guess in nerd world, the band’s the least nerdy. i guess there’s even a couple of the cool kids in band, computer geeks too. equal opportunity nerd land.

  angelicallyssa says:

  Hey! Don’t knock band land. So not nerdy. Coolest of cool!

  alwaysannie says:

  Hey, isn’t JG in band? So he’s like a band nerd too. Something in common, right?

  madmaddie says:

  totally in the band but totally not nerdy!!! trumpet. so cool. sigh. even in dance band. so cute!!!! so doesn’t know i’m alive. sigh louder. wish he would notice me.

  angelicallyssa says:

  U could drop ur clarinet on his foot.

  madmaddie says:

  Lol better than dropping books on mine!

  alwaysannie says:

  so say hi to him

  madmaddie says:

  no way. then he would notice me!!

  alwaysannie says:

  U R CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  angelicallyssa says:

  Totally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  madmaddie says:

  crazy for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  alwaysannie says:

  then talk to him!!!!!

  angelicallyssa says:

  Sing to him!!!

  madmaddie says:

  Don’t want to kill him! Anyway, easy for u to say. y don’t u talk to him?

  alwaysannie says:

  not my type of B/F

  madmaddie says:

  OMG U R CRAZY!!! he’s the cutest

  rowdyruth says:

  Who we talking about?

  angelicallyssa says:

  JG

  rowdyruth says:

  JG??

  alwaysannie says:

  U know. Cute, trumpet, cute, guy, cute

  rowdyruth says:

  Oh. Yeah. JG. Who likes him?

  angelicallyssa says:

  MM

  madmaddie says:

  No one.

  rowdyruth says:

  AA beat u! now I know. He’s cute. Go for it.

  alwaysannie says:

  just talk to him. Gotta go. Math. bfn.

  angelicallyssa says:

  He won’t bite

  rowdyruth says:

  Maybe she wants him to bite. Haha

  angelicallyssa says:

  Lol

  madmaddie says:

  U ppl are no help. H&K.

  angelicallyssa says:

  Just bugging u. u should just say hi. Anyway, gtr. Math too.
<
br />   madmaddie says:

  Yeah, me too.

  rowdyruth says:

  I just got here. Sucks. Guess i’ll find someone else to talk to. TTFN.

  madmaddie says:

  off to dream sad lonely dreams. hahaha. Ttyl

  I got my chance to meet Jesse in the last possible way I had ever thought would happen to me. Suzanne Albright, of the cooler-than-cool crowd, actually approached me one day at lunch. I know that doesn’t look all that mind blowing down here in black and white, but trust me, it was. Every school has a Suzanne Albright. She’s the one girl that everyone wants to be noticed by, male or female. She’s the one with the perfect hair, perfect face, perfect wardrobe hanging on a perfect thin and beautiful body, perfect boyfriend always older and athletic, perfect family with lots of money. She’s totally sure of herself and confident that everyone else thinks she is as perfect as she believes herself to be. She’s kind of a composite of the whole group of girls from camp. I’m not sure if anyone actually likes her but everyone wants to be liked by her. Looking back, I’m not sure if the one girl ever actually has a personality or any actual character at all, but back in grade ten, I didn’t care any more than anyone else did.

  Anyway, I honestly can’t remember precisely what she said, but I seem to remember something about my outfit looking nice on me. It was everything I could do not to actually swoon at her feet. Suzanne Albright of the wardrobe of many colors actually liked something I had on. I can’t remember now exactly what I had on, but it was likely something new and form fitting.

  I still wasn’t thrilled with the form that it was fitting, but it was smaller than the year before and I was a little more willing to show it off. Obviously, thinner was cooler, if Suzanne was any judge. Actually, in my mind, Suzanne was judge, jury, and the guy who drew the pictures in court. So, it was all I could do not to perform a happy dance when she followed the compliment up with an actual invitation to one of her cool crowd parties. A party that was going to have all of the beautiful people at it. A party that was going to have the gorgeous and wonderful Jesse Grayson at it.