ThinandBeautiful.com

by Liane Shaw

  So, now that I actually had nothing to lose, I decided that it was time to try opening my mouth. I had no idea what was going to come out of it. I had even less idea of what anyone could say that would help. I wasn’t sure if I could really go through with it, but I couldn’t think of anything else to do. I didn’t want to completely lose my mind and I was pretty sure that I had already misplaced it. I didn’t know if anyone could help me find it but I wasn’t really doing such a good job on my own. I needed another set of eyes.

  So, I took a deep breath and promised myself that the very next appointment would be the one. I would try to keep an open mind – which was tough to do since mine was missing – and dig down for a positive attitude. After all, these people were here with nothing to do but listen. I didn’t even know what I needed or wanted any more. Just … something …

  Of course, when the moment finally came, it would have to be Big Red. I shouldn’t have been surprised. She seemed to show up everywhere. I sat there for a few minutes looking at her, while she sat for a few minutes looking at me. Pretty much the same routine I was used to with any of the counselors. She was smiling in a nice way, not too big like she was about to sing a happy tune or anything, but just kind of gentle and like she had all the time in the world. Maybe she had always looked like that and I hadn’t noticed before. I tried a little smile back but my smile reflex wasn’t working just yet. Maybe it was lost along with my mind. I closed my eyes for a second and sucked in a deep breath. When I let it back out, I let out some words also. Actually, once they started, they seemed to come out in a big stream, like when the recess bell goes and all the kids come flooding out. My words came running outside like it was the last day of school and I couldn’t seem to stop them.

  I don’t know how long I babbled away, but there didn’t seem to be any time limit and I’m pretty sure about three years of life escaped me before I remembered how to close my mouth. Once I finally stopped talking, it was her turn. I should say Julianna’s turn. I actually knew her name all along but had been too rude to use it, even in my head. She was actually pretty nice. Not that I want to sound like some kind of instant convert or anything, but I have to admit, she managed to make some sense and actually seemed to give a crap about me.

  On that first day she mostly talked about lookingforlight. Julianna seemed to accept that LFL was my friend and didn’t try to tell me I never really knew her just because I had never met her. She told me that friendships can exist in all different ways and that I had just as much right to grieve for her as I would if it were one of my school friends. She told me that my feelings were OK and that I would need to take the time to work through them all. That it was all right to miss LFL and that the pain I was feeling was normal. I almost smiled when she said the word normal. It was something my mom would have said. I didn’t feel like screaming when Julianna said it, though. This time, I needed to hear that my emotions were normal. That someone dying makes you feel confused and crazy and in so much pain you want to curl up in a little ball and shut the whole world out. That the pain wouldn’t always be this strong even though your feelings for the person would always be there. That maybe Time would finally be on my side and help me figure out those feelings so that I could feel OK about the world again some day. That some day I would think about her and it wouldn’t make my throat ache and my stomach hurt, but that wouldn’t mean that I didn’t care about her anymore.

  Julianna explained a lot more about what could have happened to LFL as well. She said that eating disorders can cause all kinds of problems like dehydration, malnutrition, low blood pressure, really slow heart rate, electrolyte imbalances, and hormonal imbalances that can all cause serious problems with the heart. She explained what it all meant in a way that was pretty clear and easy to understand. I know I read all about it before and learned about it at school, but this was different. This time I was talking about someone I knew. I had to understand it this time. I had to find a spot in my brain to store it so I wouldn’t forget.

  I kept expecting her to start talking about me and my eating and how I was doing everything wrong. But she didn’t. This is going to sound weird, but I was a little disappointed even though I was relieved at the same time. More evidence that my mind was MIA. Anyway, it was just that I sort of thought we were going to talk about me. Well, we talked about me, but it was mostly about my feelings about LFL.

  So, I surprised myself by making a couple of extra appointments to talk to her about other stuff. I didn’t know exactly what stuff I was going to talk about but I was starting to believe that a little more talking might help me to start thinking again someday without my head hurting.

  June 1

  Sitting outside in the chilly morning air, it felt more like April 1st than June 1st. I used to hate April Fools’ Day because I couldn’t stand the thought that someone might pull a practical joke on me. I hate practical jokes. I like to be in control of things and when someone fakes me out I feel like a fool, which is not a nice feeling. Why is there a day designed to make fun of people? It seems kind of mean.

  After days of thinking and talking and listening and listening and talking and thinking, I didn’t know for sure what I was anymore. Sometimes I felt like life was a big practical joke with me at the brunt of it and everyone else laughing at my expense. Like I thought I had control over everything in my life and suddenly found out that I didn’t have control over anything. The ultimate fool.

  At other times I felt like I just needed to get some perspective on life. Maybe I just needed more real information so that I could maybe understand more about things. I was starting to think that there was a possibility that having control didn’t necessarily mean figuring it all out alone. Maybe having control meant knowing when to find someone to help you with some of the figuring out. Someone who wasn’t right in the middle of trying to figure out the exact same things you were. Someone who could maybe stand on the outside of your shadow and help you see yourself a little more clearly. Maybe the fool is the one who is standing alone, trying to find out the answers all by herself.

  “Hi.” I looked up into the sunlight. Marina and Wolf were both standing there. I hadn’t talked to either of them for days. Any time either of them had tried to see me, I had just said I was busy and they both finally gave up and left me alone for a while. Not exactly the champion of keeping friendships. I had been so immersed in my own thoughts that I hadn’t even tried to talk to anyone but Julianna.

  “Hi,” I answered. I was glad to see them standing there in the sun and even gladder that they still wanted to see me after so much time had passed. With my recent track record friendwise, I would not have been surprised if they had both given up completely. I needed a friend or two. Or maybe three.

  “We figured since you were actually outside again, you might be ready to see us,” Wolf said.

  “Would ‘how are you’ be a stupid question?” Marina asked.

  “Probably.” I kind of smiled. Not a full wattage one, but a bit of a face stretch.

  “How are you?” she asked. This time I actually smiled. “I don’t actually know – yet. I still feel sad and angry and confused. I feel like I lost a big piece of myself. Like I have this big hole in my gut that makes everything hurt all of the time.”

  “She was your friend,” Marina said, summarizing it all in one simple statement.

  I smiled again. I should have known she would get it.

  “That’s what Julianna said too. I guess there are all kinds of friends. It scared me, you know? I mean, she was just like me. She just wanted to look good and feel good about herself. Now she’s dead, and everything I was so sure about before doesn’t seem to make as much sense to me as it used to.”

  “You don’t need to be scared. You’re talking things out. It takes more than a week or two to figure your life out. Julianna’s cool. You’ll be OK,” Wolf said. I looked at him standing there, smiling at me with the light glistening in his hair and waited for my heart to flop. Nothing. Maybe I was j
ust too full of mixed-up emotions to make room for romantic ones.

  “I’m not so sure. It’s been, like, a week and a half, and I still don’t really know anything. I’m still a mess.”

  Marina looked at me and shook her head. “Well, try brushing your hair.” She reached over and rubbed my head. I slapped her hand away and surprised myself by laughing.

  “Thanks. I can always count on you for great advice.”

  “Seriously, give yourself a break here. You’re trying. You’ve been talking to someone. Seeing as that’s never exactly been your favorite thing to do here, that was tough enough. Give it some time.”

  “I’ve always hated time.” Even as I said it I wondered if it was really true anymore. So many things were changing. Maybe my relationship with time was changing, too, and it might finally be on my side.

  “Well, give it something you don’t hate then. Anyway, we’re going for lunch and thought maybe you’d come with us now that you’re actually out in public again. If you can call this place public.”

  “Lunch?”

  “Yeah, it’s that thing some people eat after breakfast and before supper.” Marina shook her head at me again and grabbed my left hand. Wolf grabbed my right and they walked me down the hall, hand in hand in hand like three foolish little kids looking for worms as they head off for kindergarten. As I stumbled along between them, I felt a little lighter, like maybe Wolf was right and things might possibly turn out to be OK.

  Later that day, as I sat on my bed trying to digest my attempt at eating a bit of lunch, it occurred to me that I had accidentally lied to Marina when I told her that I didn’t know anything. When I looked inside my mind a little and sorted through the mess, I realized that I did know a few things. I took out my computer and started writing, just in case my brain took another holiday.

  chapter 21

  My name is Madison Nessfield and I am living in a guesthouse for young people with eating disorders while trying to find some of the missing fragments of my life. I am one of those complicated thousand-piece puzzles that takes a long time to put together and I have a lot more work to do before I’m done. There are a few pieces already in place, though.

  I know that I have to call Annie. There are people here who care for me, but I’m really going to need my best friend.

  I know that I have to take time to show my mom the gardens next time she visits. I’m going to need my mom.

  I know that I might even have to spend some time sitting in a circle making a few new friends. And I’ll need to spend some more time talking about my life to a relative stranger so that I can leave here with more of me than I came in with.

  And I know that when I do leave, I have to step out into the sunshine from time to time and cast my shadow on the ground so that I can remember who I’ve been, find out where I am, and have the courage to face what lies ahead.

  Who knows? Maybe I’ll find out that I’m a morning person after all.