A Reason to Be Alone (The Camdyn Series Book 2)

by Christina Coryell

  As if on cue, making my conscience go into overdrive, Cole reached up and pulled his t-shirt over his head, lowering himself down again. When I let my hand trail down the length of his arm, I knew this wasn’t what he wanted. It might have been what he desired at that particular moment, but in my heart I knew he would be filled with regret. I had way too much love for him to allow that to happen.

  “Cole,” I whispered when his lips finally left mine. That simple gesture that I meant to give him pause only seemed to embolden him, and he kissed my neck and then my collarbone. I quickly drew in a breath as my stomach filled with butterflies, and I wasn’t sure in that moment if I had the willpower to stop him. When I felt the warmth of his hand across my stomach, I knew I was in trouble.

  Then, completely accidentally, I lifted my hand to place it on his chest, and I found my fingers resting directly on his tattoo about guarding his heart. He jerked back so suddenly, it was as though I had burned him. He let his eyes hold mine for a moment as he breathed heavily, and then he raked his hand through his hair in that familiar way. I struggled to come up with something to say, but it didn’t matter, because he reached down and picked up his t-shirt, stood up, and stalked across the room to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

  I sat up and tried to calm myself, emotions roaring through me like an internal thunderstorm. I was only able to make myself remain there for a moment before I started pacing around the room. At first I heard him banging things around in the bathroom, but then it got quiet, and I expected him to come back in to join me. Instead, I stood near the window and watched as the minutes ticked away on his alarm clock.

  In the heat of the moment, I had been fairly certain that I was doing the right thing. After ten minutes passed, however, I started to question myself.

  You probably made him feel rejected somehow, I thought, cringing inside. Surely he doesn’t think that, does he? But what else could he be thinking? I mean, taking a minute to compose himself I can understand, but ten minutes? He has to be angry with me for something.

  Sinking down to the floor, I leaned against the wall as I continued to wait for him. Minute after minute rolled by, and I fought the urge to cry by telling myself that he would be emerging any moment, and I didn’t want to seem pathetic.

  Soon, however, twenty minutes had passed, and I began to really worry. I twisted one of my curls around my finger so many times that I had created a tangled mess, and then I worked trying to untie the knots. When I realized thirty minutes had gone by, I knew I couldn’t sit there any longer. I made my way over to the bathroom door and knocked very quietly.

  “Cole?” I hesitantly waited for his response, and for a moment I heard nothing. Then, a slight movement against the door made me realize he was sitting on the floor leaned against it, so I stepped back just a bit.

  “You’re still here?” he finally asked in a low voice.

  Still here? Where else would I be?

  “Of course I’m still here,” I said quietly, after which I heard another slight thump against the door. He didn’t say anything else, and I felt completely defeated. If he wouldn’t even talk to me, what was I supposed to do?

  “Go home, Camdyn,” he stated sadly. I drew my hand up to my neck, instinctively placing my palm over my heart as the pain of what he said fully hit me.

  What have I done?

  “Cole, please,” I whispered, and I heard him rise to his feet behind the door.

  “Camdyn, go home,” he repeated more forcefully. “Now.”

  Without any other viable option, I did exactly what he asked. The distance from the house to my car seemed like miles, but I probably could have walked for hours and not even realized where I was going. Somehow I managed to get myself back to Rosalie’s without having a meltdown, and I even surprised myself by reacting in a rather cheerful way when she greeted me at the house, but as soon as I made it to my own bedroom, I lowered my head to my pillow and let the tears flow.

  Of course you’ve managed to screw things up, Camdyn, you perpetual mess! And how can anyone even be surprised? It’s amazing you made it successful as long as you did. And now, what exactly? Is it over?

  Please, don’t let it be over.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Rosalie poked her head in later that evening to see if I wanted dinner, but I told her I wasn’t hungry. The truth was, I already felt slightly like I was going to vomit, so I knew I couldn’t handle it. She sat down on the bed and asked me if everything was okay, and I tried my best to assure her that I was fine, even though I knew my eyes were probably red from having a bit of a cry earlier. When she asked if I wanted to talk about it, I once again reiterated that I would be fine. Very hesitantly, she left me alone in the room and shut the door behind her.

  It was nearing eight o’clock when she knocked on my door again, telling me that I had a visitor. The news struck me with both excitement and dread, because I desperately wanted to see Cole, but I was afraid of what he would say after our interaction a few hours before. I needn’t have worried, though, because when I walked into the living room, I quickly surmised that my visitor was not my fiancé.

  “Ted, what are you doing here?” I asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. He had his ball cap in his hand, and he passed it from one hand to the other nervously.

  “I was just wondering if we could have a chat? Out on the porch, maybe?” I nodded immediately and followed him outside, where I lowered myself to a seated position on the first step. He sat next to me and cleared his throat.

  “I really just wanted to check on you,” he stated as he stared out at the yard.

  Oh no – does he know Cole and I had a fight? If he told his dad, what does that mean?

  “Thank you,” I said stupidly, not wanting to divulge any information he didn’t already know. He shifted that cap around a couple more times and then pulled it down over his head. I looked over at him then, watching his eyes for a sign of… something. Anything, really.

  “You know, Steph stopped by our house this morning, wanting to know where Cole lived,” he told me. “Lizzie told her, but she had an uneasy feeling about it, so she called him.”

  “Oh?” I said, trying to act like his presence at Rosalie’s was no big deal, but it was driving me half insane.

  “Yeah, and he called me,” he continued. “He said Steph was headed to the house, and that you were there. He was over thirty minutes away, and he wanted me to do something. Well, I wasn’t sure what to do, really, but I thought at least I could come by and check on you – make sure you were alright. Turns out, though, you didn’t need help. When I saw the way you stuck up for her… I know what she was there for, and that was pretty big of you.”

  I remembered back to earlier that day, when Ted had walked up to us and asked if everything was okay. I had thought at the time he was talking to Stephanie, since she had been crying, but now I wasn’t so sure.

  “So, when you asked if things were okay earlier,” I quietly wondered, “you were talking to me?”

  “Of course I was talking to you,” he assured me.

  Completely dissolving into tears, I put my face in my hands and softly sobbed next to my future father-in-law.

  Is he still my future-father-in-law?

  Ted’s arm came around my shoulders, and within seconds I found myself crying into his shirt. Stupidly, embarrassingly, absolutely mortifyingly crying into his shirt. Even worse, I couldn’t seem to make myself stop. When he didn’t pull away from me or act like I was being ridiculous, I felt immensely worse.

  Such an utter mess, Camdyn. A complete and utter mess.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, backing away from him. To my surprise, he gave me an understanding look and patted me on the back.

  “You’ve had a rough day,” he said simply, “and I won’t bother you anymore. What you really need is a good night’s sleep. Before I go, though, I just want you to know that Lizzie and I are really proud of you, Camdyn. Really proud.”

 
“You are?” I asked incredulously. How could he say he was proud of me when I just had an absolute meltdown in front of him like that?

  “Yes, we are,” he assured me. “Both of us.” With that, he gave my shoulders a squeeze and stepped off the porch toward his truck. I watched until his taillights had disappeared down the road, and then I sat on the porch a few minutes longer to regain my composure. When I was finally content that I could walk past Rosalie without sniffling, I returned to my bedroom.

  -§-

  Sleeping that night was an impossible feat. Just when I would finally calm the voices in my head enough to remain peaceful for a moment, I would remember the fact that Cole had kicked me out of his house and hadn’t bothered to explain. He hadn’t called, either, which made it even worse. Plus, when I tried to call him right before bed, there was no answer.

  I knew in my heart that I had royally screwed up, but I had no idea what to do about it.

  Absolutely no idea.

  Tossing and turning, I made a complete mess of my bed. At one point I considered getting up and watching infomercials on television – at least that would take my mind off things. I didn’t want to risk waking Rosalie, though, so I sucked it up and stayed there looking at the ceiling. Midnight passed, and then one, followed by two, causing me to resign myself to the fact that I was going to be awake all night.

  Then, in the stillness, I heard a gentle rapping on my window. Knowing that I hadn’t dreamed it, since I was fully alert, I checked my phone to see that it was half past two. Standing up, I peered out into the darkness, and there stood Cole, looking completely awful.

  Granted, Cole at his worst was still not half bad, but he seriously looked terrible.

  I pulled the window up and stared out at him apprehensively. Scratch that – I was slightly terrified.

  “We need to talk,” he whispered.

  Ugh, the most dreaded words in the English language. We need to talk. Seriously, they should be banned. No one should ever say them.

  Unable to refuse his request, I nodded and closed the window, pulling the blanket from my bed and wrapping it around my shoulders. Barefoot and in my pajamas, I opened the back door and stepped out into the damp night air. I found him by the gazebo, motionlessly waiting for me.

  I’m like a prisoner awaiting a death sentence, I thought as I stepped up to him. He didn’t make a move to touch me, or to smile, or do anything to make me feel remotely less revolting in his presence, so I simply stepped past him and sat against the wooden bench. He sat next to me then, and the way he looked at the floor, refusing to make eye contact, left me unbelievably anxious.

  Wow, I really did mess this up.

  “Camdyn, I don’t know how to say this,” he began huskily, and then he shook his head and rubbed his hand across his forehead.

  “What, Cole?” I asked as gently as I could, still frightened of the answer. He cleared his throat, and then he stared out into the darkness, and I knew what was coming had to be outright terrible.

  “I can’t marry you,” he said quietly. I looked intently at his face, noticing the tears pooling in his eyes, and I felt all the air leave my body. Immediately I felt as though I was going to be sick, and I fought the urge to stand up and run.

  “What?” I choked out, watching as he turned those sad eyes toward me.

  “I just…I can’t do it,” he repeated. “I mean, I can’t let you marry me.” It was then I noticed that he didn’t look sad as much as he looked tortured, or tormented maybe. Forcing a deep breath into my lungs, I continued to stare into his face waiting for an explanation.

  “Why, Cole?” I wanted to know. A tear slid down his cheek, and he brushed it away angrily with the back of his hand.

  “Because I haven’t been honest with you,” he stated. “You deserve better.”

  Even now, with him trying to break up with me, or whatever he was doing, my heart was aching for him. I wanted to take his hand and tell him everything would be okay, but I was also scared.

  So this is what love means, I thought. It’s caring more about him than I do myself, even when it hurts.

  “I don’t know anyone better,” I assured him, causing another tear to slip across his cheek. I reached up and brushed it away with my thumb, and he shook his head.

  “You don’t know me, not really,” he said, and then he took a deep breath. “I’ve told you there are things I would like to forget about, but I haven’t ever told you why. Well, you need to know now, and then I’ll have to live with the consequences.” It was all I could do to keep myself from wrapping my arms around him, but I could tell he didn’t want that.

  I have no idea what he does want, but I know he doesn’t want that.

  “When I went to college, it was like I was handed the world,” he started to explain. “I felt invincible, and that’s the way I acted. I was, I guess, for a while. I was playing ball just like I wanted, and when I wasn’t doing that, I was partying. Everything was just in excess, and what Travis said before was completely true. Whatever particular girl I had my eye on that night, I just went for it. I didn’t care if I hurt somebody in the process.” He stood up and started walking back and forth, and I pulled the blanket closer around my shoulders.

  “Then, one night at a party, this girl came up to me,” he continued. “She was trying to talk to me, and I kept blowing her off, because I wasn’t interested. Finally, she just walks up to me and grabs my arm and tells me she’s pregnant. I made a crass joke about hoping she found the father, and she told me that she was talking to him.” He looked at me for my reaction, but I was too scared to move. “I was just furious, because I got around, but I felt like I was careful. When I told her I didn’t know her, she rattled off the date and all the details. Honestly, I had no idea if she was telling the truth or not. She looked kind of familiar, but I didn’t know her name. So, I told her to get lost.” He put his hands on the wooden rail and looked off into the distance, and a tear slipped down my cheek unheeded.

  “What happened then?” I asked, swallowing hard and understanding why he didn’t want to talk about this.

  “I went back to partying,” he told me, shaking his head sadly. “I…” he hesitated, looking at me guiltily. “I took some random girl back to my dorm. When I woke up, though, I couldn’t stop thinking about that conversation. At first it was just curiosity, but then that turned into guilt, and eventually I felt so strongly that I’d made a mistake that I started looking for her everywhere. I still wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth, but she could have been. I knew she could have been.” Not being sure what sort of reaction he wanted from me, I tried to remain emotionless.

  “So, did you find her?” I wanted to know. He sat down next to me before he nodded sadly.

  “Eventually,” he said. “It’s hard to find someone when you don’t know their name. I saw her from across the campus, and I ran over to her. I told her I wanted to talk to her about the baby, and she gave me a dirty look and told me not to worry about it. When I insisted that she talk to me, she said, ‘You’re too late. I already took care of it.’”

  “Oh, Cole,” I breathed, feeling immensely sorry for him. He put his head in his hands and remained silent for a minute. I thought about putting my hand on him for comfort, but it didn’t seem like a good idea, so I held back.

  “So that’s why I left everything behind,” he went on. “I was completely consumed with guilt, and I just had to get out of there. I knew I couldn’t be that guy anymore, and I had to face my demons, but I didn’t know how. That’s why, when I came back here, I asked Steph to marry me. I thought that if I was married, I wouldn’t have to deal with temptation anymore, and everything would be okay. I told myself that it would be worth it in the long run, even though I didn’t love her.” He stood up again and started pacing before he continued.

  “But then she said no, and I was left to deal with things on my own, so I went to Nashville. I knew I had to start over, and that things had to be completely different. The first thi
ng I did was make a promise to God. If He allowed me the opportunity to turn my life around, I would make absolutely sure nothing like that could ever happen to me again. That’s why the guys at the firehouse called me Saint Cole – I just didn’t let myself be put in any kind of questionable situation. I’ve done a fairly decent job of it, until you came along.” He stared deeply into my eyes from across the gazebo, and suddenly everything made sense.

  “So that’s why you didn’t want to be alone with me?” I asked, feeling another tear slide down my face.

  “That’s why I wouldn’t let myself be alone with you,” he corrected. “Until today… Camdyn, I’m so sorry that happened.”

  “Please, stop,” I demanded. “I was an active participant in that too, and I’m not letting you take the blame.”

  “But it was my fault,” he protested, looking at me guiltily.

  “I agree,” I told him with a smile. “It is completely your fault that I am in love with you, Cole Parker. The more you try to talk me out of it, the harder I’m going to fall for you.”

  “How can you say that?” he asked incredulously, face contorting in pain again. “There’s a little boy or girl who would have been seven or eight by now, would have been going back to school in the fall, or enjoying the pool this summer, and they’re not alive, because of me.” He turned his back to me and stared into the darkness, and I stood and walked to his side.

  “You didn’t make that decision,” I objected, and he smiled sadly without looking at me.

  “Yes, I did,” he assured me. “I made that decision by not caring.” He turned to look at me then, and I saw the distinct pain in his eyes. “Someone is not alive right now because I chose to be a jerk. Now, do you see why I can’t let you marry me?”

  “No,” I told him seriously. “Maybe the road that brought us here wasn’t perfect, but you… Cole, you are absolutely the man of my dreams. This Cole – the one who made mistakes and hides his scars, but who wanted so badly to be a different person that he tattooed it on his chest. That Cole has my whole heart – my patched up, broken, mess of a heart. You’re the only one who will ever have it, and I will love you for an eternity, whether you marry me or not.”