The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  Random Monster Encounter

  Well, even if that line did sound lame, the follow through was pretty damn badass. Pity it wasn’t mine. Unfortunately, there was also nothing about it that boded well for me. Decker and his bullshit had hit at exactly the wrong time in my life.

  Yeah, okay, there probably wasn’t actually a right time for a coven of witches to come along and declare that I needed to die so they could go on frolicking naked in the woods during the full moon. But I especially didn’t need this crap right then since it served to distract me from the assassins that were on a mission to turn my skull into an ashtray. I had been so preoccupied with Decker’s loony ramblings that I had forgotten we were stuck in the Loft, a place the assassins already had a heads-up about – just ask Dusk Reaper.

  The front door, despite being of the heavy duty security variety, literally flew off its hinges and went slamming into the far wall. If anyone had been standing behind it, they would have been pancaked. Nergui stood in the doorway, flanked by his two death-dealing flunkies, Bang (damn, that never stopped being funny) and Cheng-gong.

  “Give us the princess and your death will be painless,” Nergui said to me, ignoring the others in the room.

  The odds were pretty skewed against us, no matter how you looked at them. Three assassins and two mages on team “Fuck-up Bill’s Day” versus three allies on my side, all of whom were either restrained, unconscious, or both.

  Fortunately, that whole enemy of my enemy thing is mostly bullshit. Decker’s ego was too big to allow the three bruisers at the door to do his dirty work for him. “The Freewill is mine, vampire filth,” he hissed, bringing his hands up in a defensive gesture. Christy did likewise. Bunch of idiots. If Nergui killed me, then their insane problem would be solved. Not that I was complaining if they wanted to fight it out, mind you. Still, what a pack of morons.

  “His life is ours...” Nergui gave a sniff of the air and spat out, “maapamba. Leave now, and you will live.” He and his three companions stepped into the room. They unsheathed nasty looking daggers – silver daggers.

  I stepped back, not wanting any part of the sharp objects being brandished at me. “Sorry, Harry,” I said to the wizard. “They’ve got dibs. Good for you because I’m afraid of them. You ... not so much.”

  “Then I shall teach you fear, beast,” he snarled, pretty much right on cue. I tell you, some people simply present no challenge.

  Decker and Christy both murmured something unintelligible and gestured again. What can best be described as a distortion in the air appeared in front of them and then rushed forward to slam into my three would-be killers.

  It looked impressive, like something right out of Hollywood, but it more or less did dick. The three vampires were pushed back and slammed into the wall, but none lost their footing. I don’t think Harry was quite prepared for three elder vamp warriors. Guess he was still a first year at Hogwarts. Maybe he and Christy should go back to practicing their card tricks.

  Though no damage appeared to be done, Decker was at least proving to be a distraction for the vamps. Nergui turned to Cheng-gong and gave a nod. Cheng threw his dagger. It landed hilt-deep in the floor at Decker’s feet.

  “That will be the only warning,” Nergui said to him.

  Decker glared back, a look of madness in his eyes. He did not like being casually dismissed, not one bit. He actually started to glow. It started out as a dim white light, but quickly turned an angry red.

  What occurred next happened fast.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Nergui barked something, and Bang threw his dagger in my direction. However, right before the knife left his hand, Harry Decker let loose with ... well, whatever he let loose with. The red glow leapt from him across the room, directly at Nergui. Cheng-gong uttered a shout of warning and dove in front of it. The blast hit him full on.

  The backlash of it ruined Bang’s aim. The dagger slammed into the wall not an inch from my face, close enough that I felt the air it displaced as it flew by. I’d like to tell you that I stood there rooted to the spot, an arrogant sneer on my face at the pathetic failed attack on me. The first part was true at least. I was rooted to the spot, all right, but the only thing that kept me from screaming and cowering like a little girl was the spectacle of what happened to Cheng.

  Decker’s attack enveloped him in the red glow, and Cheng-gong exploded in a shower of sparks and dust. Holy shit, the wizard had game after all! I never thought I would be happy that a bunch of assassins had burst in to try to kill me. I had no qualms about admitting that whatever Decker had done to Cheng would have likewise left me little more than dust in the wind.

  This was turning serious. Unfortunately, it was almost over, too. The glow left Decker and he collapsed to the ground with a glazed look in his eyes. Guess he had blown his load with that last attack. I’d keep that in mind for later ... if there was a later. He had some nasty guns, but apparently limited ammunition. Good to know. If I could figure out a way to keep him from blasting me to ash on the first try, I’d be set.

  He was no longer the problem, at least not until his batteries recharged. However, that still left two ancient vampires with a hard-on for some killing. Still, two was better than three. After this was all said and done, perhaps I’d send a fruit basket to Decker’s office.

  Or maybe that should be a funeral wreath instead, as he now had Nergui and Bang’s full attention. That’s the thing with teams. You somehow manage to kill Howling Mad Murdock, and you’ve still got Face, Hannibal, and BA Baracus to deal with. Both assassins faced the dazed wizard and hissed through their fangs. This was not going to be pretty.

  Speaking of pretty, a gorgeous blonde projectile slammed into Nergui and Bang from the side, taking them both off their feet. Way to go, Sally! The wonder twins’ concentration on her bonds must have faltered as the battle started. Sally could have probably easily dispatched both of them, but she wasn’t stupid. She knew who the bigger threat here was.

  As the three vampires went down in a heap, I heard Decker wheeze, “This isn’t finished, Freewill.” Yeah, haven’t heard that one before. “Get us out of here!”

  Christy started to repeat the same movements she’d made back when she dismissed Gan. Before she could finish, though, I locked eyes with her. “Take them with you ... please,” I said.

  She gave me a hard look back, but then her gaze softened and she looked away. A moment later she, Decker, and my two bound roommates disappeared from the room. Thank God. Who knows? Maybe she actually had some real feelings for Tom (for whatever insane reason). More likely, she knew that two helpless humans stood absolutely no chance of surviving. The only potential problem was if they all went back to my apartment, a very angry Gan might be waiting for them. There was no time to worry about that, though. I had to be content with hoping for the best.

  I ran to the pile of tangled vampires just as Nergui flung Sally off him. Bang had still not made it back to his feet so I, in classic unsportsmanlike manner, kicked him in the face while he was still down. It was a solid connect, and he went flying, but I had no delusions that my strength was anywhere close to what was needed to make him stay down. Then again, maybe I could do something about that.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I bared my fangs and leapt at Bang. One bite and I could maybe even the odds a little in this battle.

  Unfortunately, unlike my previous fights, I was up against opponents who knew full well what I was capable of. Nergui reached out while I was in mid-leap, grabbed my foot, and swung me so that I flew across the room. “We know your tricks, Freewill. They will not work on us.”

  Well, isn’t that just dandy ... OOF!! I thought, slamming into a coffee table.

  Having taken my fair share of throws in the past several months, I was able to roll with it a bit and get back to my feet in another second.

  “I don’t suppose the Khan would be open to, you know, discussing this?” I asked.

  Bang was back up and standing at Nergui’s side. They b
oth faced me.

  “I mean, this is really one big misunderstanding. I wasn’t even supposed to go to China.” Yeah, I was babbling, and yes, I figured it was a long shot. However, it was also a distraction.

  Sally was on her feet again and once more going for Nergui’s blindside. Sadly, you don’t get to become a three-hundred-and-fifty-year-old assassin by being a dumbass. What we were doing was no doubt the oldest trick in their book.

  As Sally threw a right cross at him, he turned and casually caught her by the arm. In one quick flick, he brought the dagger up and severed her hand at the wrist.

  Before her newly unattached appendage could hit the floor, Nergui flung her toward me.

  “SALLY!” I screamed just as she landed at my feet. Oh God, this wasn’t good. I dropped to my knees to help her, although I wasn’t sure what I could do. Her arm was spurting blood all over the place. She made a pained whimper but appeared to be in too much shock to even cry out.

  “It’s okay. I’m here,” I said, but there wasn’t much comfort to give. If vampires could bleed to death (could they?), she was doing a good job of it.

  “Take it,” she whispered. I didn’t understand. But then she held up her still spouting arm and repeated herself. She was actually offering her lifeblood to me.

  “No ... I can’t,” I stammered, feeling tears come to my eyes.

  She gave me one of her typical Sally grins, and then whispered something else. I didn’t quite make it out, but it sounded like “dumbass.” Then her eyes rolled up in the back of her head and she stopped moving.

  This couldn’t be happening. Sally and I were supposed to be an unbeatable team. Despite how she usually acted, she was one of the few people on the planet who had ever believed in me. My tears began to flow freely, and then I heard the two assassins in the room begin to advance.

  Instantly, my grief extinguished itself, and that dull rage I had felt earlier began to rear its ugly head. This time, I decided to allow it to take me. My humanity be damned – these fuckers were going to pay.

  I could feel something nasty inside of me clawing its way up. This thing was far darker than any Dr. Death persona I kept in the back of my head. I didn’t know if demons existed, but if so, I was sure one had taken up residence inside of me.

  My fangs and claws extended, and I glanced down again to where Sally lay. That was enough to push me over the edge.

  The change kept happening, and I could see by the looks on both their faces that they saw it, too. Nergui shouted something I couldn’t understand, and both vampires came after me almost as quickly as thought itself. The only thing I knew for certain was that it wouldn’t be fast enough.

  Unfortunately, I had no idea what happened next, as my vision clouded over and I saw nothing but red.

  Lend Me a Hand

  There’s nothing like a cool, refreshing breeze on a fall night. Crisp and carrying just a hint of the winter weather ahead, but pleasant enough to be outside and still be able to enjoy it. True, I’d never been much of an outdoors type. Anyone with eyes could figure that out by my pasty white skin (even before I was undead). This time of year was nice, though. No bugs, no sweating, just nice and comfortable. I wouldn’t mind staying out there for a while.

  Speaking of which, where the fuck was I, anyway?

  My head started to clear and with it, my vision. I looked around. It was still night. That was good. Otherwise, my enjoyment of the breeze would’ve been quickly cut off by all the burning and screaming. Things like that tended to put a damper on the day trips as of late. Judging by the horizon, it was the wee hours of the morning, maybe an hour or so until daybreak. Still plenty of time to get indoors. Hey, I could actually see the horizon. Come to think of it, the entire view was pretty damn nice.

  I tried to stand, wobbled a bit before finally doing so, and then realized why the view was so good. I was standing on top of some building. From what I could tell, I was at least twenty stories up, maybe more. Odd that I didn’t remember stepping out for some pre-dawn stargazing.

  There was a slight groan from off to my side. Considering the pitch, I wondered if maybe I hadn’t brought some female companionship along. I walked over, still a little wobbly, and looked down to see Sally.

  Aw, she looked like she was asleep...

  And covered in blood...

  And with her right arm ending in a stump...

  Oh shit!

  The memories of the past ... however long ago that was, started to filter into my mind, snapping me out of my daze.

  Oh God, Sally. Please don’t be dead, I thought as I knelt down beside her. Well, okay, she was already dead, but I meant really dead. I reached down and put my hand on her throat to feel for a pulse. After about ten seconds of that, I mentally slapped myself upside the head. Duh! Vampires didn’t have pulses, regardless of their condition.

  I needed to think this through. Remember your Boy Scout training, stupid! Oh yeah, I had only thought about joining the Boy Scouts. I got bored with the idea before I ever actually did.

  Come on, what does one do when somebody’s hand gets cut off by trained vampire assassins? Okay, pretty sure they didn’t have that one listed on WebMD. I got it: a tourniquet!

  I started to pull off my belt so as to staunch Sally’s bleeding stump, when I realized it wasn’t doing so any longer. What had been a geyser of blood just a ... however long ago, was now nothing, not even a drizzle. That wasn’t good. No blood meant ... No! Best not to think of that.

  I looked closer. The stump wasn’t bleeding because it had started to scab over. Her arm was at least partially trying to heal itself. Corpses didn’t usually do that. Maybe there was still hope. Besides, didn’t she just groan? Or was that the wind? Only one way to find out...

  I did the only thing I could think of. If Sally was truly gone, it’s not like it would have made things worse. So I turned her head toward me and gave her a hard slap across the face.

  “Sally, wake up!” Please!

  Nothing. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have hit her hard enough to knock her brains out. I tried it again, slightly softer, but still enough to leave a handprint on her face. That time, I got a groan in response. Yes! She was still in there somewhere.

  “Come on, Sally! You can do it. Those fuckers can’t take you down that easily!” I said, feeling wetness welling up in my eyes. She started to come around. Her eyes were still closed, but I could see her trying to mouth something. I leaned in closer.

  “Say that again. I didn’t hear you.”

  A hoarse whisper met my ear. “Hit me again, and I’ll gut you.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Are you all right?” I asked as she started to finally come to ... and yes, I realized what a dumb question it was considering her new southpaw status. I figured it was a safer question than, “So, will you be going with a stainless steel hook or one of those nifty new titanium models?”

  “What happened?” she asked while I helped her to a sitting position. She’d need some blood soon, but for now, her vampire physiology seemed to be snapping her out of it.

  “You were ... (God, please give me the strength to not say it) ... disarmed.” Thanks for nothing, God.

  Sure, it wasn’t the most sporting thing to say, but it definitely brought Sally all the way out of her funk. Her eyes cleared and she gave me the ugliest of glares.

  She held up the stump of her arm and stared at it, her eyes unreadable. Finally, she said in a small voice, “Shit...”

  “Don’t worry, they can do wonders with prosthetics these...”

  “...it’s gonna take weeks for that to grow back,” she finished.

  “It grows back?”

  “Yeah. It’s going to take a lot longer than usual, though. Fairly sure those assholes were using silver.”