The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “But still...”

  “But still nothing. Our enemies attacked us en masse. Nergui’s presence would not have made much of a difference,” he said, referring to the chief assassin the Khan had sent. “They had a specific goal in mind: to get our attention. In killing a member of the First Coven, they have most certainly gotten it.”

  “Goddamn, the war against the Feet,” Sally said with a sigh.

  I looked up. I had heard that phrase before, months back. Sally had been specifically coy about it at the time. “What about it?”

  “Ah yes,” James replied. “It’s a vulgar simplification that many of our stateside brethren use.”

  “Maybe, but it fits,” she said, then turned to me. “In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Bill, and since you’re a little slow on the uptake, I’ll assume that’s the case.”

  “Get to the point, Sally,” I snarled.

  “Bigfoot, or Bigfeet, if you prefer the plural. I don’t know much. I am a city girl, after all, but I know we’ve been locked in a cold war with them for like forever.”

  “Forever is not too far from the truth,” James replied.

  “Okay, let’s back up for a second,” I said. “I figured out the Bigfoot part already. Ed googled Alma and that’s what popped up. But you’ll forgive me if I say that makes no fucking sense.”

  “Oh, please.” Sally gave me one of her trademarked eye-rolls. “Like you have any clue as to what makes sense.”

  “Maybe not,” I shot back, “but I do know that vampires versus Bigfoot...” I sputtered to a halt as James shot me a warning glance. I turned my head to see our waitress approaching. Thinking quickly, I added, “would be a hell of a movie to see on the SyFy channel. I hear Roger Corman is producing it.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Once our waitress had walked away, taking with her an order for yet another espresso, I continued. “I’m not following. Why the hell are vampires in a war against a bunch of giant smelly apes?”

  “Like you’re one to talk about hygiene,” Sally quipped.

  “Children, please,” James said, once again echoing the conversation from nearly a year ago. “I’m sorry, Dr. Death, but you are greatly over-simplifying matters. Were these Bigfeet, as you seem insistent on calling them, merely apes, then there wouldn’t be an issue. You don’t see us warring against the mountain gorillas of Uganda, now do you?”

  “No. Or at least not that I’ve heard of.”

  “Trust me, we’re not. The creatures you are referring to are far more than giant primates. They are ancient forest spirits, and their somewhat brutish forms are simply how they choose to physically manifest themselves.”

  “So they’re like ghosts?”

  “Not quite,” he explained patiently. He seemed to think about it for a moment. “They’re more akin to human stories about brownies, pixies, or gnomes ... just a tad larger.”

  “And meaner, too,” I replied, remembering how one had chucked a bowling ball sized rock at me with enough force to almost crush my ribcage.

  “Quite so. Even the least of their kind possesses the physical strength of a vampire several times your age.”

  I considered this. I had seen James in action. The guy was practically Superman compared to me. The Khan had been older, thus it stood to reason he was even stronger than James. That being said, the Khan hadn’t exactly been a prime physical specimen. Hell, that was being generous. The guy was a big fat fuckhead of a vampire, probably tipping the scales at five hundred easily. I looked like a Calvin Klein model next to him. Ancient vampire powers or not, I just couldn’t envision him moving with the same grace or speed I had seen James use. Still, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t have been a formidable foe. For all I knew, he could’ve been the King Kong Bundy of the undead world. If these monsters could take him down, what kind of chance would I stand against them?

  The thought of the Khan reminded me that I was probably being a rude asshole. At the very least, I could be considerate toward James. This guy was his vampire dad, so to speak. “My condolences.”

  “Eh?” he grunted, taking another sip of espresso. Across from him, I could see Sally rolling her eyes again.

  I wasn’t a heartless bitch like her, so I continued, “I’m sorry about the Khan. He was your sire, after all. How are you holding up?”

  To my surprise, he actually chuckled in response. “Thank you, Dr. Death. You’re actually the first person to ask me that. I have to admit, though, once you reach my age, feelings such as regret, remorse, or grief just don’t have the same punch as they used to. Ogedei Khan’s passing is regrettable. He was a piece of living history. Regardless, my dealings with him have been limited as of the past few centuries and, truthfully, we were never really close to begin with.”

  “What about Gan?” Sally asked. I knew for a fact that she despised Gan. No doubt she was asking because she knew the topic would make me squirm. Sally and I had an interesting relationship, to say the least. No matter how close we might or might not be, she always took perverse pleasure in annoying the shit out of me.

  “Suffice to say, I think Gansetseg will get over it quickly,” James replied. “She’s been in her father’s shadow for three hundred years. Whatever grief she might feel has been eclipsed by the opportunity it opens up. When last I saw her, she was consolidating her father’s power base beneath her and being brutally efficient about it as well. Oh, by the way, she sends her love.” He directed that last part to me, a smirk working its way into the corners of his mouth.

  I sighed and glared daggers at Sally, practically daring her to make some sort of asshole comment. She threw me a saucy grin in return and changed the subject. “So where have you been? Didn’t this all go down three months ago? That’s a long time to play dead.”

  “Nothing escapes you, does it, my dear?” he commented. “A fair question. After the Khan’s coven fell, I found myself trapped behind enemy lines. For weeks I was forced into the position of guerilla, pun notwithstanding. I’d bury myself in the desert sands during the day and do my best to avenge my fallen brothers during the night. Eventually, I made contact with Gansetseg’s forces and was able to get back to friendly territory.”

  “And that brings you back here?” I asked.

  “Not quite. As with any war, there is diplomacy involved. I was summoned to Europe to meet with the remaining members of the First Coven and discuss options. Open warfare is in neither of our species’ best interests. The world has changed so much since the last time we clashed.”

  I listened in rapt interest. This was starting to get good. I was always up for a good monster versus monster yarn. Unfortunately, Sally had to play story cock-blocker.

  “What about the Draculas?” she asked. “With the Khan dead, there’re only twelve of them. They have any replacements in mind?” The tone of her voice implied that she knew something I didn’t. Not that it was surprising. Sally seemed to be at the center of the vampire gossip circles. She collected information like ... well, like my roommate, Tom, collected toys. The only difference was that her holdings were often worth something.

  “As I said, nothing escapes you,” James replied. “What I am about to say is not public information, but I am told I am up for consideration as a new member of the First Coven.”

  “WAY TO GO, JAMES!” I shouted and held up my hand for a high-five.

  “So much for not making it public,” Sally said with a huff. This time, even James sighed. Seeing their reaction, I lowered my arm.

  “Your enthusiasm aside,” he said dryly, “it’s not as cut and dry as that. There are other candidates being considered as well. With the specter of war currently hanging over us, this little competition comes at an ill-advised time. If I didn’t think it would constitute an insult of the highest degree, I would gladly back out of consideration.”

  “Competition?” I asked. “What, do you all have, like, thirty days to see who can rack up the highest body count?”

  “Nothing quite so simple, I’m afra
id. Ultimately, the First Coven will make the final decision. However, as is often the case with multiple hopefuls, it would not be uncommon for a few of them to drop out of the running permanently.”

  “I see.”

  “Therein lies the problem. The First hold vampires of my age to a high standard, but even they are forced to admit that trying to avert a bloody conflict while continually looking over my shoulder is a daunting task. That, Dr. Death, is what brings me here tonight.”

  Oh, crap. I had gotten so caught up in James’s drama that I had completely forgotten that I was also in the Draculas’ crosshairs. That did not bode well. I remembered back to my time in Asia. Gan had been sputtering off some nonsense about how the Freewills of old used to lead the vampire armies against their enemies. Fuck! I could barely keep my D&D party from getting ambushed. I was about as far from being West Point material as they get.

  Seeing the panicky look starting to appear on my face, Sally did as expected. She sat back, took a long pull from her coffee, and smirked. Bitch! One of these days I was going to ... oh, who was I kidding? Chances are I’d have some Sasquatch wiping me off the heel of its foot before I had a chance to even think of something appropriately Sally-worthy.

  Instead, I decided to ignore her. I turned to James and said, “I know the Draculas are pissed at me for what happened to the Khan, but they’re making a massive mistake if they think that appointing me a general in some half-assed army of darkness is going to...”

  I was interrupted by him spewing espresso at me. Ewww. He choked for a moment and then dissolved into laughter. Glad to know I was so amusing.

  Finally, after a few moments, he got himself under control. “Oh, that was rich,” he said. “I do thank you for the laugh. It’s been a while. I’m sorry, but the thought of you standing at the head of our forces ... well, don’t take this the wrong way...”

  “General Patton, you are not,” Sally finished for him.

  “Quite true, my dear. Alas, that was never the First Coven’s intention. They can be ruthless leaders, but they aren’t insane. Your status as the reborn Freewill grants you certain liberties, not the least of which is that our ruling coven would prefer not sending you forth a lamb to the slaughter.”

  Their mockery of my abilities aside, I breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, that’s good to...”

  “I’m not finished,” James interrupted, wiping his chin with a napkin. “Your status as a Freewill comes with certain downsides as well. I heard from Gansetseg about your altercation with the wizard. If they’re aware of your existence, it’s reasonable to assume other factions of the supernatural world are as well, including the Alma.”

  “Is that why they attacked when I was over there?”

  “No. Otherwise you would have been a prime target. I believe that was just a coincidence. Still, it is prudent to assume they are aware of you by now. This is where you come in.”

  “I’m all ears,” I replied with a complete lack of enthusiasm.

  “The Alma are a caste based society. They place great weight upon one’s station in life. Their chieftains are given all the trappings of royalty. So, too, are the rankings of enemies given much consideration. The slaying of the Khan was a great moment for them. Much honor has been heaped upon those responsible.”

  “Yeah, but I’m just a...”

  “We know,” Sally quipped.

  James ignored her and continued. “The Alma are a highly spiritual race as well. Great heroes and others who their legends speak of are afforded the same honors as their highborn. Once again, so too with enemies.”

  “I’m not even remotely following you.”

  “The First Coven has reached out to the Alma in an attempt to avert a war. The Alma in turn have shown themselves to at least be open to discussion. However, due to their victory against the Khan, they see themselves as having the upper hand. They’re willing to talk, but they insist on setting the rules for this engagement. Their first demand was that these talks take place in person between the upper echelons of both sides.”

  “I see where this is going,” Sally chimed in. “The Draculas, not being stupid, aren’t about to waltz right into the lion’s den.”

  “An over-simplification, but essentially true,” James confirmed. “Being that Dr. Death is the long lost Freewill of vampire legend...”

  “Oh, no fucking way!” I cried, standing up. As they stared at me, I noticed the eyes of the other patrons in the café likewise turning in my direction. Thinking quickly, I added, “Ten bucks for a cup of coffee? Wow, this place is expensive.” Several piteous glances came my way, but soon enough, people turned back toward their own business.

  “Way to work the crowd, Bill,” Sally commented, sipping her drink.

  I sat back down and lowered my voice. “So let me see if I’m hearing this right. The fucking ape-men consider me to be on par with our leadership, correct? So, being that the Draculas see me as important ... yet still oh-so-expendable ... I get to go sit down with these monsters and hope they don’t eat my fucking face. Does that sound about right?”

  “Said with your usual eloquence, but in a nutshell, yes,” James replied.

  “You do realize that growing up I couldn’t even convince my neighbors to keep their dogs from shitting on our lawn. I don’t know what kind of treaty you’re expecting me to negotiate.”

  “Believe me, I am all too familiar with your somewhat unique way of communicating,” he said. “You won’t be going in alone. This isn’t a one-on-one affair. You’ll be there as a figurehead at most.”

  “You should be used to that,” Sally said out of the corner of her mouth.

  “This will be more of a summit than anything else. There will be negotiators there with you, as well as bodyguards. I wouldn’t be surprised if other factions wished to make themselves present as well. In short, you will be there to preside over our side, but ultimately others will be doing the work.”

  “And if I refuse?” I asked, knowing full well that wasn’t really an option.

  “If you refuse, then I daresay the First will find some other sort of duty for you. It’s a fair bet that whatever they choose will make this seem like a vacation in paradise, comparatively speaking.”

  Ringside Seats

  The check came and suddenly I found two sets of eyes looking at me expectantly.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Coven hospitality,” James replied, a grin on his face. “It’s tradition.”

  I turned toward Sally, who gave me her best innocent expression before replying, “Don’t look at me.”

  “You handle the coven’s finances,” I protested.

  “True, but I left my purse back at the Office.”

  Grumbling, I pulled out my wallet to cover the tab. Vampires were immortal, arrogant, and powerful ... I made a mental note to add cheap to that description.

  “Some of us still have to work for a living,” I griped.

  “Then win the lottery,” she cooed. “Oh, wait ... you get to work with me, so you already did.”

  Trying desperately to keep myself from stabbing her with a fork, I changed the topic back to business. “So what next?” I asked James.

  “For now, just wait. The details are still being hashed out, participants are still being considered, all of that.”

  “Do I get any say in this?”

  “Of course. You are perfectly welcome to bring along your own contingent. They’ll be figureheads much like yourself, but as the honored Freewill, you’ll be expected to have your own band of supporters.”