The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  I bit into one. It was still fresh. The cold weather had refrigerated them, while the cooler had provided enough insulation to keep them from becoming bloodsicles. I sucked down two, then grabbed another handful along with some clothes for Sally. Never let it be said I was a bad sharer.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I came back over the rise to see Sally seated on a log. She was holding something and had her head lowered to it. What the fuck?

  Hearing me approach, she looked up in my direction. I saw the telltale smear of blood on her face that told me she had been in the middle of eating ... err something.

  “It’s about time,” she said.

  “Worried about me?”

  “Not so much for you as worried that you fucked something else up.”

  “Your concern is touching,” I said. “Beware of vampires bearing gifts. Here.” I tossed the bundle of clothes to her.

  Though she hadn’t shown the slightest outward hint of inconvenience, she quickly pulled a sweater over her head and put a coat on. She gave me the briefest look of gratitude – so quick I could have probably imagined it – before beckoning me over.

  “I have something for you, too.”

  “Ooh,” I replied salaciously.

  “Not that, ass. I caught a rabbit while I was examining the area. I left half for you.”

  I was touched that she had thought of me ... grossed out, sure, but touched nevertheless. Still...

  “Pass,” I said, opening my coat and tossing a few blood packs to her.

  She caught them and gave me a glare. “You couldn’t have shown up with these things ten minutes ago?”

  “Sorry. Didn’t know the dinner bell was ringing.”

  “Well, thanks anyway. I hate rabbit.”

  “Doesn’t taste good?” I asked.

  “It tastes fine. I just can’t stand picking fur out of my teeth.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I filled Sally in, both on what I had found and on my assumptions. She wanted to take a closer look, so we began walking back toward the disabled vehicle.

  “So what did you find?” I asked, walking alongside of her.

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?”

  “Just six dead vampires.”

  “Well, I didn’t expect the Bigfeet to stick around and gloat.”

  “That’s just it. I don’t think they were ever there. There aren’t any giant footprints or damaged trees. There’s barely any sign of a struggle.”

  “Ambush?”

  “Unlikely. It’s too clean. Also, there’s no smell. I take it you’ve noticed that Grulg and our buddy Turd are somewhat on the fragrant side.”

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “Well, that kind of stink tends to stick around for a while. I mean, if I could smell those vamps, I should’ve been able to smell any lingering squatch-stink from twice as far away.”

  We crested the rise and the Snowcat sat before us. I pointed it out, although a blind man wouldn’t have missed it.

  “Well, whatever tore into that thing was definitely big and mean,” I said. “The damn thing looks like it was hit with a wrecking ball.”

  “Mean, yes ... but I’m not so sure about the big part.”

  Her implications immediately clicked in my head. “François?”

  “Yep. He might’ve been able to do this.”

  “By himself?”

  “Maybe,” she replied a little doubtfully. “It’s hard to say. I haven’t seen too many elder vamps go all out. To be honest, I’m not entirely certain what a vampire of his age can and can’t do.”

  I nodded in agreement. Up until now, the Khan had been the oldest vamp I had ever met. Since the most action I had seen from him was shoveling food and drink into his fat face, that didn’t exactly give me too many reference points. Still, I had seen James a few times. If he decided he needed to kill a truck, I don’t think I would put my money against him.

  By now, the snow was coming down even heavier. I was still in favor of examining the wreck and the surrounding area, but things were rapidly starting to look like the North Pole, minus Santa’s merry workshop. Soon enough, we’d have a better chance of building an igloo than conducting an investigation. Besides, I barely even watched CSI. What the fuck did I know about crime scenes?

  We decided that getting back was more important, especially since the victims of this massacre were all beyond our help.

  “I’m open for suggestions,” I said. “Maybe they have a GPS in the cab.”

  “The battery would be dead by now,” she replied, as usual spoiling my plans with a little well thought out logic. “Follow me.” With that, she walked toward the wreck.

  I started after her, having no idea what she meant. For all I knew, she was planning on pulling off some kind of A-Team like stunt and fashioning a working snowmobile from the pieces. I mean, I had never seen Sally with a welding torch before ... and actually I didn’t really fancy the thought of her with one. Still, that would be cool if...

  Sadly, that train of thought was derailed as she came to the Snowcat and kept right on walking.

  “So that’s your brilliant plan ... we keep wandering aimlessly?”

  “If I were as dimwitted as you, then yes. Fortunately, for us, though, I am a wee bit smarter than that.”

  “Well lead on then, Ms. Sooper Genius.”

  “It’s pretty simple really. The Cat obviously rolled down this hill.”

  “I could’ve told you that.”

  “Yes, but what was it doing up there to begin with?”

  “Well ... err ... I don’t know,” I admitted.

  “Hence why you’re following my lead. Duh.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Hot damn, Sally was right. We crested the hill the vehicle had tumbled down and found ourselves standing on a dirt road. It wasn’t exactly a super highway – hell, it was barely a wide trail through the trees – but it was a sight for sore eyes nevertheless.

  “I never cease to amaze me,” she proudly proclaimed.

  “I’d be a lot more amazed if you could tell me which way we’re supposed to go.”

  “That way,” she said evenly and pointed.

  “Let me guess, you have a fifty-fifty shot of being right?”

  “A bit better than that.” She pointed down toward the wreckage. “The Cat looks like it rolled down the hill sideways. That means it was probably going the same way as it’s facing now. Care to guess what’s waiting in that direction?”

  “A whole menagerie of freaky creatures?”

  She tapped her finger to her nose. “All of them no doubt wondering where the legendary Freewill has wandered off to. Well, let them wonder no longer.”

  What Happened While I Was Out?

  I’d like to say we made good time. If the weather had been clear, we probably would have. A vampire running all out could probably beat a car on a road like the one we were on. Unfortunately, blizzards tended to be the great equalizer in these sorts of things.

  With each passing mile, the snow got deeper and, even with our vampire senses, it was sometimes difficult to not wander off the trail (for me, anyway).

  Fortunately, we had Sally’s nose to help us along. Eventually she began to pick up traces of Sasquatch scent. We were entering their territory again, which meant we were going the right way. Soon she mentioned other scents as well ... lots of different creatures up ahead. If that wasn’t the very definition of the peace conference, then I don’t know what was. Good thing, too, as the weather kept getting nastier.

  I was about to ask her, for probably the tenth time, if we were getting close, when she stopped dead in her tracks. Before either of us could utter a word, another voice rang out, “What are you doing here?”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I recognized it. As a shape materialized from the storm, I called out, “Alex? Is that you?”

  “The same,” he replied sternly, walking up to us. Unlike our mishmash of purloined clothes, he was dressed for the environment. Gone was th
e cloak he had worn earlier, and in its place was an outfit straight out of one of the Call of Duty Arctic missions. The dude looked like some combination of snow ninja and Navy SEAL. “I ask again, what are you doing here? Need I remind you that there is a peace conference going on...” he trailed off again, looked briefly at Sally, and then apparently made up his mind to continue. “A conference which I gave you specific instructions to oversee.”

  “Yeah, about that...”

  “Instructions?” Sally asked, but then her eyes lit up with recognition. “I see. That’s what you were trying to tell me the other day.”

  “Trying?” Alex asked.

  “Sally stopped me. She was afraid François would compel her ... which, oddly enough, is exactly what happened.”

  Alex turned to her and inclined his head respectfully. “An impressive amount of foresight. I dare say, Sally, my people may have to keep a closer eye on you in the future. You have potential.”

  “Yeah,” I commented. “Potential to be a...”

  “But that still does not answer my question,” Alex cut me off. “Is there a reason why you are out here rather than doing your duty?”

  I shrugged and started telling him of our adventures from the past several hours. Since most vampires tended to be backstabbing assholes, I would normally err on the side of caution with one I didn’t know too well. Unfortunately, James’s hands were kind of tied in this situation. Being that my choices of who to trust were limited to François, Turd, and Alex, it seemed to be a pretty obvious choice to me.

  Several times during the telling, Alex raised an intrigued eyebrow at my story. Sally, of course, had to jump in at points to correct some of my details or to point out my failings. Alex had to warn us back on track a few times after we broke down into our typical bickering. Finally, I finished. Thank God, too, as the snow wasn’t exactly tapering off.

  “I suppose I should be thankful I ran into you both after your little dip in the river,” he quipped once we were done.

  “Hilarious, I’m sure,” I replied. “Can you take over now? I think we have enough here to hang the guilty parties by their bootstraps.”

  “Do not be so sure. You have circumstantial evidence at best against François. Elders are often given the benefit of the doubt in cases such as this.”

  “What about the First?” Sally asked. “Couldn't they compel him to confess?”

  Alex shook his head. “Doubtful. It is difficult to compel any vampire over half-a-millennium in age. Even the most powerful of the First would be hard pressed to do that. Then there is the matter of the Grendel’s leader.”

  “Turd?”

  “Yes. What are you going to accuse him of? Vampires have no laws against music, at least last I checked. Besides, he isn’t one of us. Any direct accusation against him would go a long way toward causing these talks to fall apart.”

  “I hate to break it to you, buddy,” Sally spat, “but these talks are already up shit’s creek without a paddle.”

  “Not the way I would put it, but I can see how you might think that,” Alex replied.

  “Wait a second!” I exclaimed. “You said direct accusation, right?”

  “I did.”

  “What about an indirect one?”

  “I’m not sure I follow you.”

  “That’s okay, I doubt Bill is even following himself,” Sally quipped.

  I ignored her (despite knowing that she wouldn’t go away) and explained, “I’m led to believe that the rest of Turd’s tribe wouldn’t be too happy to know about his little technology fix.”

  Understanding appeared in Alex’s eyes. “Quite true. The Grendel have always shunned it.”

  “So I imagine their leader would be knocked down quite a few pegs if they discovered he was a gizmo junkie.”

  “Blackmail?” Sally asked. “I’m proud of you, Bill. You're playing with the big boys now.”

  I smiled back. “That almost sounded like a compliment.”

  “Don’t worry. Won’t happen again. The only question, though, is who’s hooking up Turd?”

  “François, obviously,” Alex said, “although I am not certain why.”

  “Careful, that sounds a lot like an accusation.”

  He smirked. “I directly serve the First, Freewill. My accusations carry a bit more weight than most. Still, you are correct. Knowing what is not the same as why. That is why you must get back to the talks. Perhaps then we might gain insight into this.”

  “What about you?” I asked, exasperated that I was still somehow neck deep in this crap.

  “I will go check on the remains you found. It’s possible there is some bit of evidence that you have missed. Something that will help tie this all together.”

  We gave Alex directions as best we could. Hopefully he’d be able to find the wreckage, and maybe even more. Being pretty much a newborn in the vampire world, my senses weren’t that great. Sally’s were better, but she’s not exactly ancient either. Perhaps Alex would be able to sniff out some clues that we could use to stick it to François once and for all.

  We just had to be careful. If the French fuckhead caught wind of this, he’d no doubt try to stick me first ... no doubt with something sharp and pointy.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “You certainly picked an interesting time to disappear.”

  “Sorry, James. Sally and I took a walk in the woods ... and got lost.” I shot him a quick wink. Hopefully, he got the point that I was being coy (as opposed to hitting on him) since there were others potentially within earshot.

  “I see. And your somewhat interesting choice in attire?” he asked with a smirk.

  “We had a bit of an accident.”

  “Indeed. So where is your hiking partner, anyway?”

  “She refused to come here without changing first. You know how women are.”

  “Well, be that as it may, I’m sure you can fill me in on your adventures at another time. Unfortunately, you’re a little late for tonight.”

  That wasn’t particularly surprising, although that didn’t make it suck any less. It also explained why I ran into James on the path to the meeting valley ... or whatever it was.

  “They ended already?”

  “Already?” James asked, surprised. “This was the longest session by far. They were negotiating for hours.”

  “Sorry. My watch kind of died. Unlike us, when it goes, it tends to stay dead.”

  “I should say so. Alma excrement is full of their fae essence. It can wreak havoc with electronics.”

  Now it was my turn to look shocked. “How ... did...”