The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  The pain began to recede and I realized that I was losing that latter fight. My muscles tensed and I flung half the group off of me with but a shrug. Oh no!

  I opened my mouth to scream for Sheila to run before I completely lost myself in the change, but she spoke first.

  “Stop.”

  “But your holiness...” one of the Templar protested.

  “Now!” There was such authority in her voice that even I would’ve probably stood at attention had the assholes not been pinning me down.

  Within the space of seconds, though, they were off of me. Holy shit ... emphasis on the holy part. Such was my surprise that for a moment I forgot about everything else: the Templar, Sally, and – oh yeah – the fact that I was about to turn into a rampaging monster.

  Or was I?

  Once the Templars backed off, I saw her. A lump in my throat replaced my surprise, my breath completely caught. She was even more beautiful than I remembered ... although that might have been the addition of the sword and cape. What can I say? The geek in me loved the shit out of her new look.

  It was only then that I realized I was still me. The change had stopped. I wasn’t sure if it was her voice, the distraction, or the way my heart skipped a beat – had it been capable – when I saw her. Whatever the case, I didn’t care.

  OUCH!

  Okay, maybe I did care a little. The rage receded and my nerve endings started firing again normally, reminding me that I was covered in second and third degree burns.

  Speaking of burns ... oh shit, Sally!

  As difficult as it was, I managed to peel my eyes away from Sheila and toward where I had last seen my partner in crime. The Templar had likewise backed away from her, although they still surrounded us on three sides, crosses bared. One false move, or the wrong word from Sheila, and we’d be thoroughly fucked.

  Sally had been hit far worse than me. One side of her face was scarred nearly beyond recognition. Cross shaped burns marked wherever there was exposed skin. The look on her face was one of pure unadulterated rage. Had she been in my shoes, as Freewill, this place would’ve become a bloodbath.

  I quickly realized that might still happen. She scrambled to her feet and her claws elongated. She meant to have her pound of flesh.

  Oh crap.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Screw it, if Sheila could do it, so could I. “Sally, that’s enough.”

  “Fuck that.”

  “Stand down!” I roared. Damn, that almost sounded convincing. I couldn’t help but glance at Sheila out of the corner of my eye, hoping I had scored a few points.

  Sally glared daggers at me, no doubt pissed off, but amazingly she did as told. Phew! That was a close one. Unfortunately, we weren’t out of the woods yet.

  “Why are you here, Bill?” Sheila asked, her tone stern but curious.

  “We’re here for you.” Her hand tightened its grip upon the sword she now stood behind. “Let me rephrase that,” I quickly amended. “We’re here to save you.”

  “Save the Blessed One?” a Templar scoffed. “She is already saved. All your kind can bring are damnation.”

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake...” I said, before nearly all of the Templar drowned me out.

  “BLASPHEMER!”

  Oh yeah, poor choice of words considering the circumstances. “Sorry.” I held up my still burnt hands in a placating manner, then turned back toward Sheila. “It’s true, though. You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

  “I’m not,” she replied, her voice unwavering.

  “Really?” I asked, perhaps sounding far more surprised than I had meant to.

  “Not at all.” Way to crush a dude’s ego.

  Okay, I needed to focus. “Listen, I’m sorry for sneaking in here. I realize that doesn’t exactly help substantiate what I’m saying, but the only reason I didn’t try knocking on the door is because your buddies here started it.”

  She raised an eyebrow.

  “At your workplace. We went to Iconic Efficiencies looking for you.”

  Another of the Templar spoke up. “And what became of our brothers?”

  “Self-defense is a bitch,” Sally replied. Jesus Christ! Did she want to get us killed?

  I desperately tried to think of something to say to keep from getting a dozen crosses shoved up our asses. Thankfully, just then a distraction came in the form of my awesome roommate.

  “Blessed One!” a voice called from one of the entrances.

  “These beasts lie,” a Templar cried out as he stepped in. Two more followed him, one on each side of Ed. They led him, but he wasn’t restrained. “This is one of their victims. He came to us in the church, seeking refuge from these abominations.”

  “Ed?” Sheila asked, recognizing him. Score one for having friends who worked at the same job.

  “Hey, Sheils,” he replied nonchalantly as he stepped away from his escorts and approached her unhindered. “How’s it going?”

  She noticed his neck wound, blood still dripping from it onto his shirt. A look of concern came over her face. She glanced over at me, suspicion in her eyes. “Did Bill do this to you?”

  “No,” Ed said, still conversationally. “This little love bite is courtesy of Sally.” He motioned over at her.

  “Nice to meet you,” Sally replied.

  “But...”

  “It’s not like that,” he said, interrupting her. “We did it to distract your buddies. Last time, they took a ‘stab first, ask questions later’ approach.”

  “Blessed One...”

  “I want to hear him out,” Sheila said, cutting off the Templar minion. Thank goodness Ed had come along. I’d worried that it would be too risky for him, but he had become our saving grace. His word carried a lot more credence around these parts than us vampires.

  “He is obviously their thrall, oh Holy One.”

  Or maybe not.

  Sheila raised a bemused eyebrow. She knew Ed. He was a lot of things, but a mindless sycophant wasn’t one of them ... especially for me. “So, you’re Bill’s thrall now?”

  “Not in this lifetime,” he replied with a smirk.

  Her gaze again moved to the wound on his neck. “Doesn’t that hurt?”

  “Well yeah, but I’ll live.”

  Sheila’s eyes suddenly got a faraway look in them. She stepped toward Ed and raised her hand. Slowly she placed it over the still oozing gash on his throat.

  “What are you doing?” he asked, a bit confused.

  “I’m not sure,” she replied. As her hand touched the ugly looking bite, it started to glow. A soft white light emanated from it. Ed let out a gasp, but didn’t flinch from her touch. Some motherfuckers have all the luck.

  I took a step forward, but Sally caught my arm. Oh yeah, all the unfriendly Templars in the room. They might take my intentions the wrong way. I needed to remember that.

  It didn’t matter anyway. Whatever Sheila did ended as quickly as it began. She removed her hand, spotless despite touching the wound, and the light started to fade. Guess her Icon powers included an anti-blood barrier or something ... handy.

  Ed’s neck glowed for a moment longer where she had touched it. When it was over, the bite mark was entirely gone: no scar, no magical sutures, like it had never been there. Fucking wild.

  “You can heal people?” I asked.

  She turned to me, the same question in her eyes. “I guess so.”

  “Tis a miracle!” one of the Templar shouted. “Praise be!” They all dropped to one knee in silent prayer, leaving only the four of us still standing.

  Ed touched his newly mended neck, an impressed look upon his face. “How come you can’t do anything cool like this, Bill?”

  I shrugged. “Guess she got bitten by a different radioactive spider.”

  To my surprise, Sheila actually chuckled at that. She understood nerd humor? Be still my unbeating heart. As if I needed further convincing that she was my dream girl.

  Unfortunately, the moment of levity was brief. Sally and I w
ere still stuck in a lion’s den. Should any of the Templar decide that their time would be better spent killing us than listening to our banter, we’d be in for a hell of a fight.

  “You’re in danger,” I said, trying to get us back on track. Immediately all of the unfriendly eyes in the room looked up and trained upon us. “Not from me, assholes.”

  “Bill’s telling the truth,” Ed said, no doubt understanding a little backup would keep me from continually shoving my own foot in my mouth. “There’s some really bad stuff coming down the road.”

  “I know,” she replied.

  “You do?” Ed and I asked simultaneously.

  “We have prepared the Blessed One for your arrival, vampire,” one of the Templar said, rising to his feet. His hand never strayed from the wooden cross hanging from his neck. He had been one of the goons who’d dogpiled Sally. Unlike the dude she had turned the previous night, this one’s cross was the real deal faith-wise.

  “Benjamin, please,” Sheila said. She was on a first name basis with these fucktards? Well, okay, I guess that made sense. Here they were, revering her like some sort of saint. It would probably figure that, at some point, they might introduce themselves. Still, Benny the Templar? Not exactly an awe-inspiring title.

  “Yeah, Benny,” I added. “Simon says chill the fuck out.” Hmm, maybe that came out sounding a bit more catty than I’d intended. I guess the fact that she wasn’t begging me to rescue her grated on me more than I cared to admit. Sheila’s eyebrows rose as she glared in my direction. “Sorry. It’s been a long day. What have the Templar told you?”

  “That darkness is coming.”

  “You have no clue, sister,” Sally commented.

  “Anything more specific?” I asked, ignoring her.

  “I’m not sure how much I should say.” Sheila fixed her silver gaze upon me. “They told me about vampires. That’s what you are, right?”

  I averted my eyes from hers. It was hard not to get lost in them. “Well, yeah.”

  “A spawn of the pit,” snarled Benny.

  “So was your mom,” I shot back. sigh This really wasn’t going how I had imagined. “Sorry ... again ... but yes, I’m a vampire.”

  “They tell me your kind has been lying in wait for me.”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s sorta true. Vampires have prophecies about the Icon.”

  “Icon?”

  “That’s what you’re referred to in our circles. It’s short for Icon of Faith.”

  “Interesting.”

  “You gotta admit,” Sally interjected, “it’s a bit less pretentious than Blessed One.”

  For perhaps the first time, Sheila turned her full attention to Sally. “Are you his...”

  “Hah! Not if I live long enough to see the sun burn out.” Gotta love how Sally can really prop up a man’s ego when she wants to.

  “Yep,” I replied, “you’ll still be whoring yourself out for lap dances even as the lights go out for good.”

  “You’ll have to excuse them,” Ed said. “They do this shit all the time. I think they secretly enjoy it.”

  “So have you?” Sheila asked me.

  “Um, do I enjoy trading barbs with Sally?”

  “No. Have you been lying in wait for me? Is that the whole reason you started working at Hopskotchgames? The reason you were always nice to me? Was it all a game until you were sure I was...”

  “No!” I exclaimed. “It wasn’t like that at all.”

  “Do not believe him,” Benny said. “He has had an eternity to master his deceit.”

  “Deceit? Bill couldn’t fib his way out of a paper bag.”

  “Thanks, Sally.”

  “Just trying to help.”

  “Bill hasn’t been trying to deceive you and he definitely hasn’t been stalking you,” Ed added. “Well, not like that anyway. You see, he’s been...”

  “Shut up,” I warned. If I was going to proclaim my love for her, it would be at a time and place of my own choosing. It certainly wouldn’t be by my roommate, and it definitely wouldn’t be in front of a room full of zealots itching for an excuse to kill me.”

  “Relax,” he said, “I was just going to tell her that you’ve only been a vampire for about a year.”

  “Really?” she asked, turning toward me.

  “It’s the truth. Remember when I brought in that excuse about needing to work from home?”

  She glanced back to Ed. “And you knew?”

  “From the very start.”

  “And has he ever...”

  “Bill? Hell no.”

  “And you’re okay with it?”

  “Yep. At the end of the day, fangs or not, he’s still just Bill.” I glared at him for a moment, to which he replied, “You know what I mean.”

  “Fine, assuming I believe you...”

  “Do not believe them!” Benny warned, stepping in front of us. “They are the children of the Prince of Lies.”

  “I want to hear them out, Ben,” she said. Her tone was gentle, but there was a firmness to it that couldn’t be denied. Benny acquiesced to her, with a quick bow. Was she really their prisoner? If so, there was definitely some weird reverse Stockholm Syndrome shit going on.

  “If you ever believed anything I ever told you,” I said, stepping forward, “believe that I have never ever meant you any harm.”

  “So you weren’t there because I was ... what did you call me ... the Icon?”

  “I didn’t even know you were the Icon until you nearly blew my head off a month back.”

  There was a pause as she considered this. I held my breath for her answer, not the least of which was because she could seal our fate with just a few words. Finally, she looked me in the eye and said, “I believe you. I’m not sure why, but I do.”

  There were grumbles from the Templar. I was relieved as shit, but they obviously weren’t.

  “Good, because you need to believe me again. What I was saying earlier about you being in danger was real. I’m here to help you.”

  She stared at me hard for what felt like an eternity, but was probably just a second. At last, she said, “Ben, take your men out please. I’d like a word with Bill and his friends.”

  “No, Your Holiness. We cannot...”

  “Yes, you can,” she replied, that tone of authority back in her voice. Holy shit, I almost didn’t recognize her as the same person who once handled the administrative crap for our group at work. Here stood a woman who could have put our CEO in his place, no problem. “I’m in no danger.”

  “You can’t believe them.”

  “Even if they’re lying,” she replied calmly, “I am quite capable of taking care of myself.” She laid her hand on the hilt of her broadsword.

  Goddamn she was hot. Red Sonja had nothing on her. All she needed was a chainmail bikini and ... I shook my head. I really needed to save the fantasies for later.

  Benny and she stared each other down in an unspoken battle of wills, but it didn’t take a genius to see that it was over before it even began. After a few moments, he averted his gaze like a dog who’d just been whacked on the nose with a newspaper. “As you wish, Blessed One. We shall be right outside should you require our assistance.” He nodded to the others, and they began to spread out toward the multiple exits. The move was obvious. They followed her orders, but made sure there wouldn’t be any easy escapes in our future. My opinion of Benny begrudgingly went up a fraction of a notch.

  Unfortunately, my respect for his security measures was immediately undone as a blur of movement near one of the entrances caught my eye. The figure moved fast, but not fast enough to escape my vision. The black trench coat gave him away, but even had it not, the fate of the Templar nearest that doorway would have. The guard fell to the floor, his intestines splayed out before him.

  Vampire claws can have that effect on a person.

  Hitting the Fan

  The vampire who’d killed the Templar wasn’t alone ... not even remotely. Before I could shout a warning, two other T
emplars burst into green flame.

  The training of the God squaders wasn’t anything to sneeze at, though. In the space of seconds, they began to fall back from the entrances – drawing their weapons and assuming defensive stances. It was impressive. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough.

  Before they could properly form ranks, several witches materialized out of thin air atop the closed bleachers. From there, they had the high ground and couldn’t easily be reached. Decker was amongst their number ... the fucker. Unfortunately, I only had that moment to take in the scene as Remington and his men poured through the doors.

  Several of the Templar had their crosses out before them, but it wasn’t going to do them much good. Remington’s people were trained killers. A faith empowered cross wasn’t nearly as useful if the hand that held it was ripped out at the shoulder.

  Worse yet for the outclassed holy warriors, Decker’s coven rained fire down upon them from afar. A Templar would successfully fend off a vampire, only to be engulfed in supernatural flame. It was like the world’s most realistic LARP gathering ... most lethal, too, by the look of things.

  All of this happened in the space of a few seconds. It wasn’t enough time for Ed and I to do anything more than gape at how quickly things had turned to shit.

  Sally, though, had been in far more scrapes than either of us. She uttered a quick curse and threw herself into a dive toward the Desert Eagle still lying where she’d dropped it.

  She almost made it. Three of the nearby Templars, no doubt misinterpreting her actions, threw themselves on top of her and again began pummeling her with their crosses.

  I considered the odds and came to the conclusion that she could probably handle herself against that number. She’d have to.

  “Protect Sheila!” I shouted at my roommate, momentarily forgetting that he was the least likely creature in the room to protect anyone.

  Even amidst the din of battle, I heard a voice question, “Sheila?” It was Decker. Oh fuck. He stared at her, mouth agape.