The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “What?” I sputtered, feeling my face turn red – something I still didn’t understand, given my lack of a heartbeat. Weird-ass vampire physiology ... go figure. “That’s ridiculous. I don’t...”

  “Of course you do,” Gan replied, sounding almost bored. “It would be obvious to even a stranger.” She turned to Sally and Ed, who weren’t doing a particularly good job of hiding their smirks. “Have you never noticed?”

  Ed just shrugged and turned away. Sally, who looked like her head was about to pop off with laughter, said, “Nope. Not here. Bill’s really hard to read ... good poker face, that one.” Bunch of fuckers!

  “You really should consider replacing her. Your whore is not particularly insightful.” That wiped the smile right off Sally’s face and almost distracted everyone from the topic ... at least until Benny had to start in again.

  “Hah, as if the spawn of Satan could know such a thing as love.”

  “Gan, remember what I said about him being my friend?” I asked through gritted teeth.

  “Yes, beloved.”

  “If he’s not in that car within three seconds, I’m rescinding that status.”

  Needless to say, Benny was seated with at least a second and a half to spare.

  Ed, possessing at least a modicum of tact, walked around the vehicle and climbed in. He started the engine, the exhaust visible in the cold, wet night.

  At least Sheila had the good graces not to laugh directly at my face. That would have crushed me far worse than any of the combatants that night were capable of doing. Instead, we both stood there, neither of us seeming to enjoy the uncomfortable silence that had descended.

  “Heh, maybe we should talk ... later.”

  “Yeah, later,” she agreed, a look not unlike shell shock on her face.

  Thankfully, Gan was there to help further ruin the moment.

  “It is all right, my beloved. I am not upset.”

  She wasn’t ... oh yeah. This was the girl who had started a supernatural war rather than see me married to a Sasquatch. I hadn’t even considered what that could mean for anyone else.

  Picking my words carefully, I replied, “I’m ... surprised to hear that, Gan.”

  “Do not be. I have no need to be concerned. You are destined to destroy her. There is no escaping that fate. When it is done, then we shall be together for all of eternity.”

  Talk about killing the mood.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We drove mostly in silence for an hour, the battle in Westchester far behind us, but the storm continuing to intensify. To say things were a bit awkward, well, that was the fucking understatement of the century.

  Nearing the city, Ed broke the silence. “Where to? I assume we’re not going back to the Office.”

  “The Office?” Sheila asked.

  “Vampire HQ,” he replied.

  “Nope. At this point everyone and their mother knows where it is. I wouldn’t doubt that Remington and his men have already regrouped there.” I turned in my seat to face Sally, who sat there thumbing through a magazine while ignoring Benny. “We need someplace safe,” I said, throwing in a wink in case she didn’t get the hint.

  She narrowed her eyes at me. The new safe house was an unknown to everyone outside of the two of us.

  “It’s not like we have much of a coven to keep safe right now anyway,” I added.

  “You think I give a shit about that?” she replied. “Do you realize how much I paid for that fucking place? I doubt they’re going to give us the deposit back.”

  “Do you have a better idea?”

  “How about your apartment?”

  “My place?”

  “Yeah. It’s not like we haven’t crashed there before.”

  “I would hope you have purchased a new bed since last time, Dr. Death,” Gan said. “The old one had an offensive odor to it.”

  Sheila turned around in her seat, wide-eyed. For a split second, a white glow surrounded her, no doubt a result of her surprise. My skin began to spark at even that small display.

  “It wasn’t like that!” I said, far more defensively than I cared to. “I was just ... you know ... babysitting.”

  “Babysitting your fiancée?”

  “She’s not my fiancée.”

  “Of course I am, beloved. We are destined to be...”

  “Ed, could you crash us into the next telephone pole you see?”

  “Don’t look at me, man. I’m enjoying this shit.”

  I’m glad someone was.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  After much bickering, we finally decided on a course of action. We would hunker down in the safe house until we could think of something better. Gan’s forces would be seeking shelter from the day, but she assured us they could track us down the next night. I wasn’t about to argue with that logic. After all, she had once claimed to be able to sniff me out anywhere I went ... something she had proven herself more than able to do.

  First, though, we decided to make two stops. Sheila had only the clothes she wore, and it wasn’t exactly casual wear. Ed and I were in the same boat. Benny ... well, he could go fuck himself. We decided to stop first at our apartment in Brooklyn to grab some stuff as well as check on Tom. He wasn’t a part of this, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t be dragged into it. Decker had known where I lived, which meant his coven more than likely did. Right before being snuffed, he had dropped all pretense of protecting humans and outright threatened to kill Ed. It was probably safe to assume his coven might likewise become desperate. I didn’t want to drag Tom into this. He had enough shit on his plate, but he needed to be warned. Maybe he could go to Jersey for the week and stay with his parents.

  After that, we’d make a stop at Sheila’s apartment. It was likewise a risk, but fortunately we had an ace in the hole. Gan’s senses were hyper-alert. If there were vamps or witches watching either of those places, she’d be able to sniff them out. I just hoped it wouldn’t come to that. Hopefully, they’d gotten enough of a bloody nose for one night. I was beat and my arm still hadn’t healed – good thing this wasn’t our vehicle, because it was going to be a bitch getting all the blood stains out. I really wasn’t in the mood to get into another knock-down, drag-em-out fight at least not until I got a chance for some shuteye.

  The same could probably be said for all of us. At least Sally’s healing had kicked in. Her hair had started to grow back and she was now covered in only second degree burns. All in all, it was a marked improvement over how she had looked earlier in the evening.

  We crossed over the Brooklyn Bridge and suddenly the night sky lit up. The car swerved as if in response. Ed was both exhausted and caught completely by surprise at the display. Thankfully, it was very late and traffic was light, so we didn’t hit anyone.

  He rubbed his eyes. “Was that red lightning?”

  “You saw it too, huh?” Sheila asked.

  “That’s not normal,” I commented.

  “Indeed it is not.” Gan’s voice was calm, as if she saw this sort of thing every day. Hell, she lived in the deserts of Mongolia. For all I knew of the place, maybe she did.

  “I guess the Mayans were right after all,” I joked.

  “No, their math was faulty,” she said matter-of-factly. “They were off by a goodly amount.”

  “How comforting to know.”

  “Do not fear, my love. This storm is just a sign that it is beginning.”

  “What’s beginning?”

  “Our glorious uprising. The forces beyond the veil are gathering their strength.”

  “Why?”

  “It is so they can join what you have started, Dr. Death. They are preparing for war.”

  Well, wasn’t that dandy like fucking candy?

  Home Not-so Alone

  Sally offered to wait in the Nissan. Benny agreed to stay with her ... as in I overheard her whisper something to him about removing his intestines if he tried leaving. That was fine with me. I had no interest in letting the dickhead cast judgment on my home. He�
��d probably declare it a pit of sin or something stupid like that. Not that I would mind it being a pit of sin, but still...

  Gan followed me like a lost puppy, wishing to see my secret headquarters again. As for Sheila ... well, I’d love to say she was all enthusiastic about visiting my place. Hell, inviting her over was at the top of things I meant to do before I died (again). The circumstances, though, were somewhat less than ideal. Whatever I had so meticulously fantasized about was not going to come to pass. In the end, though, she had to use the bathroom. Oh well, it was better than nothing. Beggars can’t be choosers and all that.

  Figuring I might as well make the best of a bad situation, I asked Gan to sniff out the area as we walked toward the building entrance.

  “I do not sense any vampires in the vicinity.”

  “That’s good...”

  “There is an aura of magic, though.”

  “That’s not so good.”

  “It is lingering. This mage has been here often.”

  “Oh,” I replied, immediately feeling a sense of relief. “That’s just Christy...”

  “I know this scent. She is the witch who attempted to torture us some months back.”

  Oh crap.

  “Torture you?” Sheila asked.

  “Long story,” I replied. “She’s Tom’s girlfriend now.”

  “Your other roommate is dating a witch?”

  “Like I said, it’s a bit of a story.”

  “She will meet the same fate as her master,” Gan declared. “The human will join her. Consorting with our enemies is punishable by death.”

  “Hold on,” I said, stopping and turning to face her. “Tom’s my friend. Christy’s off limits too. She’s ... well, one of us now.”

  “A vampire?” Sheila asked, confused.

  “No, she’s one of the good guys. She had a change of heart up in Canada. We’re cool now.”

  “I am not cool,” Gan said. “In fact, I am quite incensed. Her slight against me cannot go unpunished.”

  “No. Besides which ... she’s pregnant.”

  “Your roommate is dating a pregnant witch?” Sheila asked, starting to get a broken record vibe. I guess all this could be a little odd to someone who wasn’t quite up to speed.

  “Then I will share her with you, beloved,” Gan said. “The blood of expectant cattle is quite rich. We save it for only the most special of occasions...”

  “I didn’t need to know that...”

  “Such as when you visited my father’s kingdom some months back.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “Of course not. Were you not aware?”

  “No!”

  I sensed Sheila’s eyes narrowing at me again. Jesus Christ! Regardless of my intentions, if the conversation kept going in this direction, it was only a matter of time before she ran to get her sword.

  Thinking quick, I asked Gan, “Do you smell that?”

  “I smell nothing. There is no...”

  “There it is again.” I put on my best bullshit voice. “My Freewill senses are tingling and they’re picking up the presence of ... our enemies.”

  “I am not aware of...”

  “Are you doubting me, Gan? I thought you said you believed in me. Maybe we’re not as...”

  “I do, beloved!”

  Hah! Despite her age, knowledge, power, rank et cetera, Gan still had the emotional fragility of a teenager. It was perhaps the one advantage I had over her, so of course I was going to abuse the hell out of it.

  “Good, then I think it might be best for you to circle the block while we’re upstairs. You know, to keep an eye out for our foes.”

  “But the witch...”

  “Don’t worry. I have the Icon with me. Between the two of us, we can handle any witches that happen to be hanging out in my apartment.”

  “Very well. I shall keep the streets safe for your return.”

  “Yeah, you do that.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  The second the door was shut, I turned to Sheila. “You’ll have to excuse Gan, she’s...”

  “Crazy as a shithouse rat wearing a SpongeBob backpack?” Ed offered.

  “Yeah, what he said.”

  We made our way up the stairs, unmolested by either the forces of the netherworld or any overly nosy neighbors, where I unlocked the door to our apartment.

  The lights were on.

  “Tom must still be up,” I commented.

  “At this hour?” Sheila asked, already on her guard. Damn, becoming the Icon sure did instill a bit of a paranoid streak in her.

  “He’s had a lot on his mind,” Ed replied. “It’s not every day you knock up a girl with enough eldritch firepower to level a house.”

  Almost as if in response to our discussion, we heard the toilet flush.

  “Or he just had to pee,” I said.

  “Could you fuckers be any louder?” Tom’s voice called from inside of his bedroom. He stepped out wearing a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. He had bags under his eyes and a growth of stubble, making me think his bender from the previous day wasn’t quite over yet.

  “I swear...” He stopped mid-rant when he saw Sheila. “Sorry, I thought maybe you guys were with Sally.” He looked her up and down, no doubt noticing her Templar battle garb. “Who’s the LARPer?”

  “Hi,” she said. “I’m Sheila. Sheila O’Connell.”

  “The Sheila?”

  “Ixnay the eilaShay, asshole,” I snapped. Jeez! Was everyone looking to spill their guts about ... wait a second. If Tom was here, who flushed the toilet?

  Oh crap.

  There was shuffling in the bathroom. I quickly turned to Tom, grabbing him by the shoulders. “What’s she doing here?”

  “Why wouldn’t she be?”

  “I thought you were freaking out.”

  “I was ... well okay, I still am ... but I sat down and thought real hard about it.”

  “Really?” Ed asked.

  “Fine, some drunk at the bar told me to stop being such a fucking pussy ... but he was right. I’m not a kid anymore. Hell, I’m almost twenty-six. Isn’t it about time I took some responsibility with my life?”

  Ed and I shared a quick glance. “She fucked with your mind again, didn’t she?”

  “No.”

  “At least that you know of...”

  The bathroom door opened and Christy came out. She was wearing a long nightshirt over a pair of shorts and looked absolutely green about the gills.

  “Hey, guys,” she said groggily, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.

  Sheila stepped forward before I could say anything, a look of concern on her face. “Are you alright?”

  “Morning sickness,” Christy said. “Runs in my family. According to my mother, she puked her guts out for ten months straight.”

  “One for good luck?”

  “Something like that,” she replied with a weak grin. “I don’t think we’ve met.”

  “I’m Sheila.”

  “The Sheila?”

  Oh Jesus motherfucking Christ!

  “So I’ve been told,” she replied after a glance back at me.

  Christy reached out and their hands touched in a friendly shake. I held my breath. I knew what happened the last time I had tried to touch her. If it was anything like...

  Or not. Christy wasn’t blown through a wall or even set ablaze. Whew! That was a close one. For a second there I thought...

  Then Sheila started to glow.

  It figured. What a fucking night.

  Witch Way to Go

  A soft white glow emanated from Sheila for just a moment. Maybe it was a subconscious reaction to Christy’s energy. I had no way of knowing for sure. Christy, for her part, remained unharmed, but her eyes opened wide. She pulled back as if she had touched something electric.

  “No,” she gasped, backing up.

  “Uh, did I miss something here?” Tom asked. “Do you two know each other?”

  “Didn’t you see that?” Christy
shrieked, near panic. “She’s...” Here it comes. “The Icon!”

  Ed and I looked at each other, most likely sharing the same thought. It was time to duck because a fireball was no doubt incoming...

  “Please.”

  What the?

  “Please,” Christy repeated, tears filling her eyes. “Don’t hurt my baby.”

  Well, if I didn’t feel like an absolute piece of crap before, I sure did now. Getting shitstomped by Turd, the Sasquatch chief, was a piece of cake compared to dealing with stuff like this.

  There was only one thing that could make it worse.

  “Ed, get the door,” I quickly whispered.

  “Princess Peach?” he replied, to which I nodded. He knew exactly what was on my mind.

  As Sheila and Christy continued to face one another, each with a look of abject horror on their face, Ed moved to lock and bolt the door. The last thing we needed was Gan barging in and turning this place into a scene straight out of a Saw movie.

  “Okay, everybody calm down,” I said. “Nobody’s killing anybody here. Isn’t that right?”

  Sheila rounded on me. I took a step backward, and it had nothing to do with her being the equivalent of a human blowtorch to vampires. “How can you even say that?!”

  “I...”

  “Dude,” Tom said, sliding up to me. “A word, please.”

  Oh boy.

  He grabbed my arm and dragged me over to his bedroom.

  “You two ... play nice,” he said, shutting the door on us.

  “Bill, I say this as your friend ... what the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “This isn’t quite how things were supposed to work out.”

  “No shit,” he said, turning away from me and fidgeting with the action figures on his dresser. Man at Arms was slightly out of line where he stood, flanked by Zartan and Panthro. Don’t ask. “So, let me see if I have this figured out. The girl who I’ve listened to you whine about...”

  “I haven’t whined about her.”

  “Correction, whined like a bitch about. So she’s the Icon, the legendary archenemy of vampires who also happens to be destined to kill all magic users...”

  “Well...

  “Including my pregnant and way overly emotional girlfriend. Is that about right?”