The Tome of Bill Series: Books 1-4 (Bill The Vampire, Scary Dead Things, The Mourning Woods, Holier Than Thou)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Wait, so you knew he wanted to start a war?”

  “Of course. He could not have made it more obvious.”

  “And you still did it?”

  “Certainly. I had the same vision as did he. I knew that destiny was upon us.”

  “Why you little...” I snarled. For a split second, I lost all sense of anything except that this little bitch had purposely and willingly set the world on a collision course with annihilation.

  Before I could stop myself, the Freewill monster inside of me reared its ugly head, and I threw a punch at her still smiling face.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Or at least I tried to. As quick as I was, Gan ducked to the side effortlessly. My fist hit nothing but the empty space where she had been.

  I pulled back, stunned she had moved so fast. Fortunately it gave me pause to push the anger back down again before it could take another swing.

  “Ooh,” she replied, still grinning. “I do so enjoy seeing the fire inside of you.”

  I took a deep breath and mentally counted to ten. “Do you realize what you’ve done, Gan? Really, do you?”

  “Obviously, my love. In fact, I see things far more clearly than even Alexander.”

  “I don’t think you do. If they find out you’re going against their wishes, they’re going to...”

  “Kill me? I think not. You underestimate me, Dr. Death. My father’s followers are now mine and the breadth of his fealty was wide indeed. Besides which, they will most likely never know of this so-called treachery on my part.”

  “How can you be sure of that? You let Remington and his men go.”

  “Your point?”

  “My point is that they’ve probably already gone crawling back to Colin for reinforcements, ratting us both out in the process.”

  “Doubtful. The First are not tolerant of failure, regardless of cause. Should Remington return to them in any state other than victory, it would reflect poorly on him. As leader, he would be expected to have prepared for any contingency. That he did not would be ill-accepted as excuse.”

  “You think he’s still in the city?”

  “Of course. There is no question that he will try again.”

  That wasn’t good, although I’d be lying if I said I was surprised to hear it. Vampires don’t like to lose. That’s probably even more so when embarrassed by a pint-sized foe like Gan. Something about receiving a beat-down from a little girl didn’t sit well with most guys.

  “But what if this makes it back to the First?”

  “What if it does?” she replied contemptuously. She muttered something in her native tongue. I had no idea what it was, but it sounded vaguely unflattering in tone. “Unlike most, I do not fear the First. Their time is drawing to a close.”

  Whoa, that was unexpected. Gan was a little (read: a lot) nuts, but I hadn’t taken her to be suicidal. “What do you mean by that?”

  “Is it not obvious?”

  “Pretend that I’m stupid.”

  “As you wish. The coming war will bring with it upheavals the likes of which this world has not known since the ancient days.”

  “I kind of guessed as much.”

  “Alexander thinks his time has come. He believes that it is his destiny to finish what he started so long ago.”

  “And?”

  “And he is wrong, my love. He arrogantly assumes he is the only conqueror amongst our people. He is not. My bloodline is stronger. I am descended from Temujin, the great Khan himself. My grandfather, then father after him, ruled over far more of this world than Alexander ever dreamed. I have even heard rumor that the First originally targeted my grandfather, but refrained at Alexander’s insistence. The reason they ultimately turned my father was because he was equally as brilliant, but less enamored of conquest. Alexander assumes that my father’s descendants are likewise cowed. It shall prove to be a fatal oversight on his part.”

  Had my jaw not been connected to the rest of my face, it would have surely hit the floor and rolled away. Up until then, I had thought that all other vampires were utterly obedient to the First. Sure, there were individual power plays going on. Hell, it was practically an everyday occurrence. However, when the Draculas said jump, everyone within earshot lined up and did so – no questions asked. I wasn’t stupid enough to think it was all blind loyalty, but I assumed fear of their wrath took over where that left off. I could understand that. A powerful enough vampire could compel just about anyone they wanted, save me maybe. If that failed, well I had gotten a taste of Alexander’s power. The dude was scary strong, as in powerful enough to kick the shit out of the Sasquatch chieftain.

  “And what are you going to do if Alex doesn’t cooperate? He doesn’t strike me as the type to lie down and die when challenged.”

  “That is easy, my love. I shall offer my troops the benefit of my wisdom and experience.” Being insecure apparently wasn’t an issue for Gan. “That will enable them to route Alexander’s forces, already weakened from the conflict with the Alma.”

  “That doesn’t handle the little problem of Alex and the First Coven,” I pointed out.

  “Obviously. His favor with the others of the First is strained at best right now. I have little doubt some can be swayed to stand against him. As for Alexander, that is simplicity itself. You shall kill him, beloved.”

  Me? Oddly enough, I wasn’t surprised to hear that. Goddamn, how I hated being the chosen one.

  Snack Run

  “Could you maybe be a little louder, Bill? They can’t quite hear you in Jersey,” Ed griped, joining us in the kitchen.

  I’ll admit, I might have forgotten to keep my volume down after Gan filled me in on her genius plan revolving around me being insane enough to fight Alex. Fuck that! I had an inkling of what James was capable of. I wasn’t about to tangle with him and he was a good thirteen-hundred years younger than Alex.

  Gan had pointed out that obviously – she sure liked that word – I would need to tap into my hidden Freewill powers to stand a chance in Hell. She didn’t seem to realize I had no control over that. Knowing my luck, it would fizzle out when I needed it most. I’d be so busy quaking in my boots that I wouldn’t be able to summon the necessary anger to transform. Ignoring that, there wasn’t any guarantee that Alex still wouldn’t easily fuck my shit up.

  Ed started rummaging through the cabinets looking for something resembling coffee. I used that as a distraction to end the conversation and step away. I gave Gan a quick warning about not snacking on my friend, then excused myself to take a shower. Being a vampire is dirty work on the best of days, downright disgusting on the rest. Considering who was slumbering in the other room, I had no intention of walking around smelling like ass if I could help it.

  Much to my eternal horror, and Ed’s amusement – asshole – Gan offered to join me. Of all the people present in the building, my roommate included, she was the absolute last one I wanted making that offer. I thus politely declined, giving her some bullshit about being shy, and then locked the door the second I was through it. Thank goodness it was another security door. Apparently Sally had them on every frame in this place. I’d have to thank her profusely for that. It wouldn’t stop Gan if she really put her mind to it, but it made me feel better nevertheless – much the same way a flimsy cage at the circus makes people feel better about the tigers just a few feet away from them.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I was pleased to find that the wound on my shoulder had finally healed. About time, too ... goddamn silver stakes. Hmm, I should have kept one. It might have made a nice gift for Sheila since becoming the Icon had apparently made her all badass. Sure, it might not exactly be a necklace or a – dare I say it – ring, but it was both expensive and practical. Hard to beat a present like that. Oh well.

  Anyway, it’s amazing how much more alive a good shower could make one feel, even someone as dead as me. For a few minutes, it’s like it can almost wash the troubles of the world away. Of course, it would have been somewhat more satisfyin
g had Sally stocked the place with soap that didn’t smell like a fruit salad, but beggars can’t be choosers, I suppose. Either way, it still beat smelling like shit.

  I toweled off and got dressed, taking a little extra time to groom myself. What? Even in the middle of horrific danger, there might still be time to flirt.

  KNOCK KNOCK

  “Let’s go, Bill!” It was Ed.

  “You should have gone before I got in,” I commented, still brushing my hair.

  “Hurry up. You’re not getting any better looking.”

  I ignored him, wondering if Sally kept any floss in here.

  “Open up or I’m telling Gan that you changed your mind.”

  sigh

  I opened the door and stepped out, giving Ed my best stink-eye in the process. “You have the bladder of a girl.”

  “So says the vampire who smells like passion fruit,” he replied, pushing past me and closing the door.

  I debated flipping on the TV. There wasn’t much I wanted to watch, but maybe SpongeBob was on. If so, it would keep Gan busy. She had developed a slightly disturbing fascination with that cartoon. However, noticing that Sheila’s bedroom door was ajar distracted me from that plan of action. My sensitive vampire ears heard voices coming from within.

  Noticing Gan preoccupied with something in the kitchen, I crept to the door and knocked on it.

  “Everything all right in there?”

  “You can come in, I’m decent,” came the reply.

  “Like that would stop him,” another voice said – Sally’s.

  What the?

  I pushed open the door and found the two of them passionately making out.

  Sorry, that was just my imagination filling in the blanks. Wishful thinking and all that.

  In actuality, Sheila sat on the edge of her bed while Sally stood a safe distance away, leaning against a dresser. All of Sally’s wounds from the night before were healed and her hair had fully grown back in. One would never have guessed that just ten hours earlier she looked like she could have been Hayden Christensen’s stunt double in Revenge of the Sith.

  “What’s going on?”

  “I was filling her in on the plan,” Sally replied.

  Oh yeah, I had almost forgotten about that. Truth be told, I was purposely trying to, but I could only delude myself for so long. We couldn’t stay there and fend off the forces of the Draculas indefinitely, hoping that they’d eventually get bored and give up. There was also the fact of Gan’s presence. Sooner or later, bad things were going to happen with her around. She was a walking powder keg, one who had little to no regard for human life. She was also really fucking annoying, what with her constant beloved bullshit. A small part of me was afraid that after hearing it a million times my brain would melt and I’d actually start to believe it. Talk about scary.

  “You okay, Bill?” Sheila asked.

  “Sorry, thinking of something unpleasant.”

  “I know what you mean,” Sally said. “I chipped a nail in last night’s fight.”

  “My heart bleeds for your loss,” I said dryly before turning to Sheila. “So what do you think about it?”

  She gave a small smile. “I guess there is something vaguely romantic about living life on the run, moving from town to town, never settling.”

  “Lonely too.”

  “Yeah,” she replied. “There is that.”

  “You know ... I was thinking...”

  Sally sighed. “Here it comes.”

  “Don’t you have some spiked heels that need sharpening?”

  “Nope, did that last week. Besides, it’s so much more entertaining to watch you squirm.”

  “Am I missing something here?” Sheila asked.

  “Only the obvious,” Sally said. “Bill was gonna offer to come with you.”

  “Thanks, Sally, I think I...”

  “However, he knows deep down it wouldn’t be a good idea.”

  “I do?”

  “Yes, you do. The mages can track you. They’ve done it before. Hell, they did it just last night. Likewise, so can any vampire of sufficient age, especially those that you’ve managed to piss off – of which there is a sizable amount.”

  “The older vampires don’t like you much?” Sheila asked.

  “Bill here has a singular talent for upsetting the status quo of the undead world.”

  “That almost sounded like a compliment, Sally,” I said.

  “It almost was,” she confirmed, moving toward the door. “I’ll leave you two to discuss this further. I’m not in the mood to test my gag reflex today.”

  “I don’t suppose you could keep Gan busy.”

  “Don’t push your luck,” she replied, stepping from the room.

  She hadn’t bothered to close the door and I didn’t move to correct that. I had no illusions of privacy by that point. Even if the door was enough to keep us from Sally’s ears, provided she didn’t immediately plaster herself against it – something I wouldn’t bet against – Gan could probably hear a fly take a shit from a mile away.

  “She’s right about being tracked,” I said. “Hell, we’d probably have Gan knocking on our door ten minutes after arriving at a new destination.”

  “I don’t doubt it. Still, you would actually do that for me?”

  I wanted to scream, “FUCK YEAH!” but I figured that might be slightly overkill. Instead, I simply nodded while trying my best to keep a fairly neutral expression on my face. No need to come across as some sort of crazed stalker.

  “I can’t say I would mind it.” Really?! “It sounds like a lonely road ahead for me. It would be nice to have a friend along.” Friend? She didn’t say friend, did she? Fuck me!

  “Yeah ... it would be,” I replied, trying not to sound as if I was about to curl up into a little ball and cry.

  “It would be even nicer to have someone who was more...”

  What? For fuck’s sake, why did she have to trail off there? “More what?” I asked disinterestedly.

  She smiled softly. “Nothing, I guess.”

  Goddamn, I hated when women did shit like that. It left just enough doubt for a guy to have hope, without actually committing to anything. I swear, some days it’s almost enough to make me want to put on assless chaps and try playing for the other team. Yeah yeah, I know, it’s not like I was any better. Here we were, two adults – fuck that, two beings of legend – yet neither of us quite brave enough to say what was on our mind. I had little doubt that Sally was laughing her ass off if she was eavesdropping (about a one-hundred percent chance of that, I’d say). For once, I couldn’t blame her. Hell, had this conversation been happening with either Tom or Ed (with a woman, not me!), I knew they sure as shit wouldn’t have heard the end of it anytime soon.

  Okay, I needed to get a grip. A sense of perspective was everything in cases like these (were there other cases like this?), and the truth was I was trying to have an intimate conversation with a girl I couldn’t even shake hands with.

  “So ... what are you going to do?” I asked as neutrally as I could.

  “I think we both know the answer to that. There’s a part of me that wants to stay and fight, a part that almost needs to do that. It’s weird. That’s not me. Up until less than two months ago I would have won a Ms. Passive Aggressive pageant.”

  “You’ve changed.”

  “I think we both have. But I am what I am now. Still, there’s nothing wrong with my brain.” Or the rest of her, for that matter. “I know a hopeless battle when I see it. I can’t fight every vampire and wizard on the planet by myself.”

  “That’s not all that’s out there.”

  “So I hear. I’m not sure I want to know more.”

  “You probably don’t have a choice.”

  “Tell me about it. Either way, I can’t fight off an army with just a sword.”

  I was tempted to argue against that. She had done pretty damn well against Remington’s forces, after all.

  “I don’t want to die,” she con
tinued, “but I’m not afraid of it. What I am afraid of is the people I care about getting hurt because of me. My mother, the rest of my family, my friends...”

  She stopped short of saying potential boyfriend, but I didn’t really expect it anyway. It didn’t matter. I knew what she meant, even if I couldn’t say for certain I would do the same thing. If the last year had taught me anything, it’s that I’m apparently not bright enough to know when to run from a hopeless fight when I see it ... or keep my friends out of harm’s way. It just proved what I already knew: she was a better person than me. Like I needed any more proof that she was out of my league.

  God, I hated this. Fuck fairy tales and those who believed in them. That happily ever after shit was definitely the exception and not the rule. Don’t get me wrong, there were probably people out there who met their soul mates and then spent the rest of their lives in blissful happiness with them. Then there were the rest of us. Some get lucky in that they never meet that special one. It sucks, I’m sure, but probably not as much as meeting them, realizing it, and then fucking it up somehow. Sometimes the timing isn’t right, sometimes people are too stupid to make a move when the opportunity presents itself, and sometimes it turns out that you’re destined to be eternal archenemies. Any way you look at it, things don’t work out. I can only imagine how it is to live out the remainder of one’s days with a constant “What if?” always there, just at the edge of your periphery. Hell, for someone like me, that could stretch out into an eternity of torment. Oh yeah, that sounded like fun.

  There I’ll be, miserable for centuries. Then one day, maybe three-hundred years from now, I’ll be strolling through Starfleet Academy and notice a girl who’s the spitting image of Sheila. At that point I’ll think that maybe fate has given me a second chance. I’ll make plans to convince her that she’s the reincarnation of ... holy shit! Yeah and maybe change my name to Edward Cullen while I’m at it. Screw that. I’d sooner ram a silver stake through my own crotch than live out some fucked up Twilight redux.

  Fortunately, Ed spared me any further mental torture when he popped his head in. “Are you two done making goo-goo eyes at each other because I’m starving to death? There isn’t anything to eat here that probably wasn’t begging for mercy not too long ago.”