Donna of the Not Undead (...of the Not Undead Book 1)

by Bryan Mosier

  “Well it’s all we got so let’s give it a shot.”

  “Okay, so how do we get this hunk of junk running?” asks Justin, the lack of confidence in his voice clearly evident.

  “How the hell do I know, I never worked on a car before.”

  “Yes you did, I’ve seen you working with your dad.”

  “Uh, I wouldn’t call that working. It was more like“hand me that wrench, nothe other wrench, no that’s a screw driver, uh, why don’t you just go play your video games or something”

  “Oh yeah, I’ve been there toobut it was more like“no,no you missed a spot, go back and do it again.”

  “Yeah, me too, but, um, I have a confession to make. I feel bad about it now with everybody stepping up to the brain buffet, but most times I was screwing up on purpose just so I could go inside and do the fun stuff.”

  “Oh, yeah, me too.”

  “And Ias well” admits Justin.

  “Really?”

  “Totally.”

  “Okay, where are the keys to this thing?”

  “I think he kept them in the ash tray.”

  “Let me see, yep here they are. Dude we are so outta here” declares an exuberant Alex.

  Tossing his little four legged friend into the passenger seat, Alex puts the key in the ignition and withanticipation he gives the key a quick turn and…nothing.

  “What the hell? Why won’t it start?”

  “I don’t know, uh Justinlook under the hood.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know, that’s what you’re supposed to do ain’t it. If the car ain’t working you look under the hood and you’re supposed to be the smart one so check it out.”

  “This is an automobile. Give me a laptop, asmartphone, heck even a microwave…anything electronic and I will be all over it. This is mechanical…grease and gears, not my wheelhouse.”

  “Well, let’s pop the hood anyway and let’s take a look.”

  Alex, fumbling around in the musty interior and reaching up under the dash just beneath the steering column finds the release latch for the hood. With a hard tug the rusty hood latch releases with a loud kathunk, causing the hood of the car to pop up a few inches.

  Reaching under the front of the hood Justinfiddles with the latch for a minute and finally figuring it out raises the hood and with a look of abject defeat says“Uh fellas, I think I know why the engine will notstart”.

  As Alex and Bryan come around to look and seeing the spotted and stained concrete floor of the gararage staring back at them through the gaping chasm where the car’s massive eight cylinder engine should be they both look at one other, each expressing the same sense of defeat.

  “Well there’s you’re problem. Dude, where the hell is the engine?” asks Bryan.

  “How the hell should I know?”

  “Well, this blows, and not in the good way.”

  “Dude, we are so screwed. What are we gonnado?”

  “I guess we just head back to the house and try to figure something out.”

  As they head for the door a sudden squawking sound suddenly fills the musty room, startling the three boys into alertness.

  “What the hell, where did that sound come from?”

  “Hello, can anybody hear me?”

  “Who said that?Was that a girl’s voice?”

  Chapter 5

  “Hello, can anybody hear me? Is anybody out there?”

  “Dude, over in the corner. It’s coming from over there.”

  As the threesome warily walk over to the corner they see an ever so faint orange glow coming from what appears to be a pile of old electronics equipment.

  “Dude, that’s my dad’s old CB radio.”

  “CB. You mean the thing that the trucker’s talk to each other with? I didn’t know your dad was a trucker.”

  “He wasn’t, he just likedto get on the radio and talk to the drivers as they were coming through town.”

  “What would he want to talk to them for?”

  “I don’t know, maybe he wanted to know where they were from or something.”

  “Did he have a cool CB handle? Tell me it was something cool like Bandit or Rubber Duck.”

  “Uh, well, kinda, I guess”

  “Whatayamean?”

  “He had a handle but it wasn’t what I would call cool?”

  “What was it?”

  “Um, well, it was uh, it was…”

  “C’mon, spit it out.”

  “PAPA BEAR! Damn it, it was Papa bear, okay.”

  “Papa bear? Papa bear……Bwah ha ha” cackles Bryan.

  “I take it your father was not aware of the modern connotation the word bear has in the LGBT community” adds Justin, barely able to get the words out before bursting into more uncontrollable laughter of his own.

  “What does that make you, BABY BEAR? Ha ha.”

  “Screw you.”

  “If I had a CB handle it would be something totally awesome like Death’s Hand or Lightening Bringer” declares Justin.

  “I’d be“Pussy Master”. How cool would it be to hear,“Callin the Pussy Master, hey good buddy is the Pussy Master on here? Then I would say,“Why yes, yes the Pussy Master is in fact on hear for I am indeed the Pussy…Master.”

  “You’d be more like the Skankmaster.”

  “Or perhaps, more appropriately, the Wankmaster. Ha!”

  Then suddenly the soft, feminine voice returns,“Hello, is anybody out there? I’m so afraid. Can anybody hear me?”

  “Dude, say something” says Bryan, nudging Alex forward.

  “Like what. I don’t know who that is.”

  “So, just say something.”

  Gently grabbing the microphone Alex says,“Hello?”

  “Dude, ya gottapress the button in when you talk?”

  “Oh, okay. “Uh, um, H-Hello? Who’s is this?”

  As the trio sit in silence for what seems like an eternity, they begin to doubt that they heard anything at all when suddenly“Ohmygod, Ohmygodcan you hear me? I thought I was the only one left. Oh thank God.”

  “What’s her name?” C’mon dude ask her what her name is?”

  “Uh, okay, um, uh who am I speaking to?”

  “My name is Donna, Donna Johansen. Who is this?”

  Oh, um, my name is Alex.”

  “Donna Johansen. Why does that name sound sofamiliar?” asks Bryan.

  “So,um…Donna, do you have any idea what’s going on?”

  “Not really. All I know is that the other night me and my girlfriend Anna were having a sleep over and she went to the store to get something to drink and never came back. Next thing I know the streets are filled with crazy looking people. I know this sounds crazy but I think…I think that they might be dead. How can dead people be walking around? That’s impossible right?”

  At that Justin grabs the microphone and begins“Actually some scientists have theorized that a, quote unquote, zombie like state could in fact exist in which all higher brain functions might be eliminated through some type of external force, be it trauma, pathogens or radiation, in effect leaving the brain to operateon basic, instinctual functions for survival such as the need to eat. Without any higher level thought processes such as empathy or morality based ethical boundaries, the resulting behavior would, to the outside viewer, seem horrific and extremely barbaric.”

  “Uh, who are you? Where did Alexgo?”

  Grabbing the microphone from Justin Alexsays“I’m right here.”

  “Who was that?”

  “Oh that’s just my cousin Justin. He’s harmless.”

  “So you aren’t alone?”

  “No, uh actually there are four of us here, five if you count Virgil.”

  “Virgil?”

  “The dog.”

  “Oh. That must be nice not tohave to go through this alone.”

  Feeling a deepening sense of sympathy for Donna, Alexasks“So, um, are you okaywhere you’re at? I mean are you safe?”

  “Oh yeah, I
live in a big house and I’m upstairs. I’ve got the doors locked and barricaded so nothing can get in. And I stocked piled as much food as I could carry.”

  “So it sounds like you’re doing okay.”

  Yeah, except it’s so hot in here? The air conditioning quit working after the first day and it’s gotten really stuffyin the house? I’ve had to resort to just wearing my underwear.”

  And with that all three boys perk up.

  “Oh, r-really?” responds Alex in the manliest voice he can muster.

  “What happened to your voice, you sound different?”

  “Um, uh, must be something wrong with the microphone. So you were saying how hot it is?”

  “Yeah, I’m just dripping with sweat.”

  “Well, how…how about that?” he says with restrained enthusiasm.

  “So, um, uh, Donna, where exactly did you say you live?”

  “Oh, I live in Blueberry Heights. Do you know where that is?”

  “Um, I think so, that’s out past the high school isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, you go past the high school about two miles and turn up our driveway on the left.”

  And with that the boys hear an audible sobbing coming over the speaker.

  “Um, Donna, are you okay. It sounds like you’re….crying?”

  “I’m sorry, mentioning the high school made me sad. I just graduated three days ago. I was just thinking that everyone I know is probably one of those monsters out there.”

  “That’s where I know that name!” yells Bryan. Donna Johansen!” Suddenly Bryan runs over to a corner of the room and starts digging through a stack of boxes until finding one marked“School Stuff”. After a few moments of frantically throwing miscellaneous academic citations and chess club trophies aside, he comes up with a copy of their school yearbook. Flipping through the pages he suddenly stops and with a look of lustful awe he says,“There she is. We had Anatomy class together junior year. Oh boy did I want tostudy her anatomy. Oh, the things I would do to her. The things I would do.”

  “Are you saying she is an attractive girl?” asks Justin.

  Handing the book over to Justinhe says,“No, I’m saying she’s smoking hot!” There on the page is the perfect image of teenage beauty. Her long amber locks flowing over her shoulders, her fit, petite figure drapedin every schoolboy’s dream, the classic cheerleader’s uniform complete with the, barely covering her ass cheeks pleated skirt and the requisite, way too tight to be legal, sweater with their high school’s W.C.H.S. initials emblazoned across her ample bosom. As is often the case the photo is accompanied by a quote chosen by the student to inspire or inform or simply to wax poetic on the nostalgia of high school. Donna, apparently a fan of early twentieth century literature has chosen to immortalize her high school experience with a quote by Virginia Woolf. Reading the quote out loud for the others to hear Justincontinues“I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.” Pausing to let the irony of her current situation set in Bryan adds,“Dude, we gotta go get her.”

  “What the hell?” asks Alex,“Zombies, remember!”

  “Dude, she may very well be the last hot chic left on the planet and she’s all alone and she’s practically naked. This is our last, best chance at ever getting some primo first classnookie.”

  “Like someone like her is gonna be interested in one of us.”

  “Dude, we may well be thelast men on earth. She’s got no other options. We’re in!”

  With that notion, Alexclicks the microphone and says,“So, um, uh Donna. Here’s what I’m thinking. There is no way that I…we, in good conscience can let you just stay there alone, so here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonnacome to you so that we can at least get through this nightmare together. How does that sound to you?”

  “But, the…the things outside. Wouldn’t that be dangerous? You could get killed.”

  “To ease my conscience and to make sure that you are safe, well it’sjust something that I’ll have to deal with.”

  “We’ll have to deal with” interjects Bryan.

  “You would do that for me. You are so brave.

  We’ll be there as soon as we can. Do you think you’ll be okay until then?”

  “Yeah, I think I’ll be okay. Please, be careful.”

  “OkayDonna, I’m on my way.

  “Um, dude, WE’RE on OUR way.”

  “Yeah, yeah, that’s’ uh, that’s what I said.”

  “Dude where’s Brandon?”

  “Oh shit he’s still out there!” And with that, with the little four legged Virgil in tow, the boys rush out of the garage and back into the house, rushing upstairs to the window opening out onto the porch roof where they left Brandon to occupy the zombie herd.

  “…untof a whore and you’re a dirty piece of crap and you, over there with the turtle neck, you’re a stinking piece of dog sh….”

  Jerking the youngest member of their group by the shirt collar, Alex says“Get back in hear and where the hell did you get a mouth like that?”

  With a proud smile Brandon looks up and with one word proudly declares “YouTube!”

  Chapter 5

  “Okay, so now what!?!” asks Bryan, a touch of anxiety creeping into his tone as the gravity of their verbal commitment to the stranded damsel begins to set in.

  “What d’yamean?” asks Alex, confused by the sudden inquistion.

  “Well, you just told Donna that we were gonnacome help her.”

  “Who’s Donna?” asks the confused Brandon as he picks up Virgil and starts patting him on the back.

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Well now we gottado it.”

  “Yeah…aaaannd?”

  “How exactly do you plan to get to her? She said that she lives all the way across town. What are we gonna do, walk all the way to her house?”

  “Well, yeah I guess.”

  “Um, you do know that the town is literally littered with a crap ton of walking brain munchers, right? How do you expect to make it through all that without becoming the main entrée on a zombie buffet?”

  “Well, uh, I didn’t really think it all the way through? Let’s see, maybe we could find another car somewhere?”

  “And what happens when the car runs out of gas right in the middle of a horde of zombies? I mean really, have you ever watched a zombie movie, it’s practically a given.”

  “Um, guys, I have an idea?” interjects Brandon but is unanimously rebuffed.

  “Well, how about, um…no that would not work” starts Justin, thinking out loud as he is want to do.

  “Um guys, why don’t we just…” starts Brandon again but once again is quickly dismissed.

  “Not now Brandon, can’t you see were trying to come up with a plan.”

  “That’s what I’m trying to tell you, I think I’ve got a plan.”

  “Really? What kind of plan could you possibly have?” asks Bryan, the condescension in his voice clearly evident.

  “Well, when I was out on the roof, I noticed that across the street the Henderson’s garage was open.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Well, you remember how the Hendersonsalways would like to go four-wheeling right?”

  “Yeah, they were total douche bags always showing off their oh so cool atv’s.”

  “And where do they store their atv’s?”

  “In their garage….” starts Alex, realizing the direction Brandon was heading,“Hey, that’s not a bad idea. But the question still remains, how do we get across the street when it’s quite literally full of brain biters.”

  “I guess we could create another diversion”, adds Justin. “Maybe something a bit larger in scale that would surely attract the attention of most, if not all, of the zombies in the immediate vicinity.”

  “What could we do that would be that big?”

  With a sudden jolt of enthusiasm, Bryan jumps up and says“I think I have an idea!”

  Running through the house to th
e back Bryan leads the group to the patio door that opens into the back yard. Ever so quietly, he slides the patio door open just enough to poke his head out to get a clearer view of the backyard. The view is one of utter shambles. Completely encircled by a six-foot-high moldy cedar stained privacy fence, the yard tells the tale of a childhood gone wrong. The rusted and torn remnants of a broken down trampoline sits in the far back corner of the yard. Next to the trampoline stands a battered and scarred oak tree with its limbs mangled and twisted from carrying the weight of a tree house that is obviously engineered to carry the weight of someone much older than any tree house was ever supposed to. The trunk reveals a tortured history with its multitude of chunky gouges removed from years of battles and mock castle sieges. Close to the unfinished concrete slab that serves as the“patio” is the blackened and grease encrusted propane barbecue grill that has served many a scorched briquette of indistinguishable charred animal flesh. And, finally, the centerpiece to this menagerie of modern, suburban decay sits the above ground swimming pool, a descriptor that no longer seems appropriate for the fact that no one in their right mind would be willing to actually swim in the slime covered soup over flowing the rim of the pool.

  “Okay, looks like everything is normal out here, I don’t think the zombies have been able to get through the fence. Let’s go.”

  As the four would be heroes attempt to stealthily slip into the yard, it is Justin who poses the obvious,“Why are we leaving the relative safety of the house?”

  “We need to get over to old man Owens’ house. It’s just on the other side of the fence.”

  “And why do we need to get to that crazy old fart’s house?” asks Alex.

  Stopping just at the fence, Bryan turns and with an exasperated look begins to explain.

  “Okay, what month is this?”

  “Well, that’s obvious, we just got outta school so it’s the first of June.”

  “And in just over a month, what holiday will we be celebrating?”

  “Well given the fact that the world is pretty much coming to an end,” begins Justin,“I do notimagine that there will be much celebrating at all.”

  With a gasp of total frustration, Bryan continues. “Okay, if not for the zombie apocalypse, what holiday WOULD we be celebrating in just over a month, say somewhere between the third and fifth of July?”