by Bryan Mosier
“Who then?” asks Bryan in frustrated anticipation.
“Oprah!” exclaims Suzie-Steve.
“Oprah?” comes the collective echo of Suzie-Steve’s sudden revelation.
“Yeah, big booty, weave wearing Oprah and that crazy ass, grouch faced, pants suit wearing Hilary.”
“Oprah and Hilary?” asks Carla as she looks over to her sister with a look that suggests she now questions the sanity of the group they have aligned themselves with.
“Yeah. Oprah and Hillary. Who else has got the stroke to pull this shit off?”
“Well, I mean…” starts Alex…but not really knowing what to make of the accusation he simply asks“Why?”
“Yeah, why would Oprah and Hilary want to kill everybody on the planet? That just don’t make sense” explains Larry.
“They didn’t want to kill everybody you dumb ass. They just wanted to stop the robopussies from replacing them.”
“Um, uh…robo….pussy?” asks Alex, trying not to let a smirk creep across his face.
“Yeah, and I was just a few paychecks away from being able to get mine.”
“Um, Suzie-Steve. You’re gonna have to explain this. I am totally lost. What the hell are you talking about? I mean…Robopussy?”
“Alright, let me explain. You know that doctors and scientists and all them smart ass fuckersout there, they’ve already been able to do all kinds of crazy shit with baby making. They got baby’s bein made in test tubes and shit and crazy ass Octamom’s shootinout whole litters at one time. Hell they ain’t that far from just cloning our asses and cutting out the middle man all together.”
“And how is that connected to robo…um… robopussies?” asks Darla, her face turning a bright shade of red upon saying the word.
“Well since they pretty much got the baby making job taken away from you women folk, the only thing you got left to control the men of the world with those tiny little flowery bits you got between your legs. But they done saw even that was cominto an end.”
“They being Oprah and Hilary?” asks Bryan with a hint of sarcasm. ”With the robopussy?”
“Um, might I ask what the hell you are talking about?”
“Artificial vaginas. Man-made poon-tang!”
“They can do that?” asks Brandon
“OH HELL YEAH they can do that and I would a got mine if not for them evil bitches wanting to fuck up the world.”
“How exactly can they do that?” asks Brandon, looking over to Melody who has an equally confused look on her face.
“Oh it’s amazing. See, what they do is they take your wang” says Suzie Steve“and they split it right down the middle. Then they take that split pecker, turn it inside out and shove it up inside you. Then presto, change-o you got a brand spankin new, homemade robopussy.
With a look of utter pain and disgust on his face, Brandon asks“and you was WANTINGto have that done to your…”
“Oh yeah baby” says Suzie-Steve as she raises her skirt and grabs at the prominent bulge in her spandex, leopard print hot pants. Grabbing herself she proudly explains“this here piece of prime, grade A meat was gonnabe the best damn pussy the world had ever seen.”
Feeling her face warm from the sudden blush of her cheeks, Darla instinctively looks away, an action immediately repeated by her sister Carla. Seeing the girl’s reaction Suzie-Steve covers herself but notices the confused look on Helga’s face and realizes that she hasn’t understood a word of what was just discussed. To help convey the idea, Larry jumps in with a visual aid. Holding up two fingers together on her left hand she takes the index finger of right right hand and mimes a sawing action that separates the two fingers. Then, curling the now separated fingers downward she rolls them inward until only the last knuckle of each finger is showing. Then, taking the index finger of her right hand again she inserts it between the knuckle of the two fingers.
With a sudden look of realization, Helga, wide eyed looks from Larry to Suzie-Steve and, with a matter of fact tone, says“Åh , ser jag . Du pratar om en könsbytesoperation . Det är mycket populärt i mitt land . I själva verket våra läkare är pionjärer inom området .
"Smiling, Suzie-Steve says“Yep. Now you got it.” Then as quickly as the smile came it was gone and replaced with a look of utter disgust and anger. “But I guess that ain’t gonna happen now. Damn women and their koochieconspiracy.”
“Yeah, It’s a regular…a regular“poon-tang plot” says Larry with a childish grin coming over his face.
“Yeah, it’s a.,. a ginygenocide” adds Bryan
“No, it’s a clit-astrohy” continues Alex
Ooh good one says Justin then adding his ownoffer to the contest of verbal jousting. “It’s a menstralmachination?”
“Leave it to you to get all sciency.” declares Suzie-Steve
“How about a camel toe collusion” continues Larry.
“No, a Hoohah broo hah hah”
“A fallopial fracas?” says Justin
“Thetaco treason”
“A twot-ocalypse”
“A hymen…”starts Bryan,“A hymen….um…uh…I got nothing.”
With a look of frustration born out of deep thought over an overwhelming problem, Alex and Justin both echo Bryan’s lament. “Nope, got nothing.”
Suddenly realizing that the girls were still there, they look over and find that their female audience was none too amused by their vulgar description of the female anatomy. Feeling quite ashamed Alex begins to speak but is conveniently interrupted.
From the far corner of“The Lair” near a pile of empty soda cartons comes a squawking sound followed by an oddly familiar voice.
“Hello. Is anybody there? Suzie, are you there?”
“OhShit” exclaims Suzie-Steve,“it’sD.”
“D.?” asks Alex?
“Donna” answers Larry. “She’s some chic that Suzie-Steve knows. She’s been talking to her on the CB. Lives across town I think. Think she’s like stuck in her house or something. You guys want some Twinkies. Pretty sure I got a case or two around here somewhere.”
“Holy crap, you guys have a CB” yells Alex both as a question and a statement.
“Hold on, let me talk” says Suzie-Steve as she tosses the pile of empty Little Debbie cartons out of the way to reveal a small table filled with what looks like communications equipment. At first looking like an unorganized pile of random electronics, upon further inspection it’s clear that this is a very specific collection meant to serve as a communications center for the would be residents of the All-Mart. The CB radio being only one small part it is accompanied by what looks like a short wave transmitter and receiver, several cordless walkie-talkies, a police scanner and several other devices that Alex isn’t sure as to their function.
“Holy Shi…” starts Bryan but catches himself when he sees the look of disappointment on Carla’s face. Feeling his face flush red with shame he corrects himself andasks,“Where did you get this stuff?”
“Aw this shit is been layinround here for years. Stuff goes out on the shelves and sits there forever. Nobody wants this shit anymore so they store it back here so it can take up space and collect dust. We figured we could use it to talk to anybody out there that may still be alive.”
“But what if its people you don’t want to talk to? Y’knowbad people” asks Bryan.
Aw we don’t tell anybody where we at” says Suzie-Steve. “We just seein how things are goin everwhereelse.”
With that another squawk comes over the CB speaker and the same familiar voice says“Hello, is anybody listening”
Grabbing the mic and clicking the transmitter button Suzie-Steve says“Hey Baby D, how you doin?”
“Suzie is that you..ohthank God. I’m not doing sogood Suzie.”
“What’s the matter baby girl’ asks Suzie reverting to her maternal grandmotherly tone.
“Anna never did come back. I think they might have….they might have… “ An audible sob is heard before the speaker cuts out to s
ilence as the obviously distraught Donna turns off the mic.
“Oh baby, I’m sure she’s alright.” As Suzie-Steve tries to console Donna Larry looks at the collected group shaking his head and dragging his thumb across his throat indicating what he thinks is the unfortunate fate of Donna’s missing friend.
With a click and a squawk Donna’s voice comes back over the speaker. “What am I gonnado here all by myself? Those things are gonna get in hear eventually. The entire neighborhood is full of them.”
With a sudden rush of chivalric machismo overwhelming his senses, Alex grabs the mic from Suzie-Steve and depresses the button. “Don’t you worry Donna. We’re gonnasave you.”
“Who is that?” asks Donna, clearly confused by the unexpected presence of a voice other than Suzie-Steve’s coming over the radio.
“It’sme Alex. We talked earlier.”
“Oh thank God you’re Okay. I tried calling you before but didn’t get any answer.”
“Oh yeah, um, well we had a little mishap with our CB and well…” continues Alex.
Seeing the confused look on Larry and Suzie-Steve’s faces Bryan explains through a series of oddly specific mimed gestures how they inadvertently burned down their house. After a brief pause Donna’s voice once again comes over the CB speaker again saying“Don’t try to come get me, okay. It’stoo dangerous. I don’t want you to risk getting hurt, or…or…just don’t okay.”
“Don’t you worry about us. We can handle ourselves. We’ll be there as soon as we can, just sit tight.”
After a quickgoodbye Alex turns to look at the rest of the group. A mixed expression of frustration and confusion seems to be the general consensus. It’s Bryan that speaks up first. “Hey bub, I know she needs help and all but can we really do anything? I mean you heard her. It sounds like a real crap-storm of zombies over there. How are we even going to get to her?”
“And what about the kids?” adds Carla. “We gottathink about them too. We owe it to our parents to keep them safe.”
Looking at Melody and Brandon, swords in hand, that argument quickly becomes moot. “Okaybut is it worth the risk?”
“If we don’t help her then what kind of people are we. Can you guys just sit backand do nothing knowing that she’s alone and needs our help. I mean, what are we gonna do, just let her die?”
Collectively the look of guilt for even considering any type of inaction comes over the group.
“Okay, we’ll go” concedes Bryan. “But just tell me one thing. Tell me this isn’t just because she has one sweet ass?”
Looking over at Darla, his face blushing bright red, Alex says“Shut up you dick head”
Chapter 17
“So the next question is, how the hell do we get there?” asks Bryan. “She lives all the way across town. There’s no way we’re walking that far.”
“We need transportation” declares Justin in his usual matter of fact, logic driven tone.
“You need wheels?” asks Suzie-Steve.“Oh I got wheels baby. I got just what you need. Follow me.”
Leading the group through the maze of crates and boxes, Suzie-Steve brings the would be rescuers to the far back wall of the building with a row of five large, heavy metal bay doors. “You want a ride, I got you a ride.” With that Suzie-Steve grabs a tarnished metal handle at the base of the door and with a single, almost effortless upward jerk, the door gently raises to reveal the loading dock at the rear of the store. Sitting at the end of a short concrete porch is a large box truck that, before the end of the world, would have been used for making deliveries between stores.
“This here is Betty Boo. She’s my baby. I’ve driven this sweet little thing all over creation. She and I have seen a lot together.”
Realizing that with the door now standing wide open the threat of zombies entering the building could become a real threat, Darla asks,“Should you have the door open like that. Won’t the stumble bums get in?”
“Oh baby, don’t you worry. This whole back lot is fenced in. It’s locked up tighter than the crazy home they put my sweet little ol’ grandma in upstate. But I do got one question for yuns. Any of you know how to drive a stick?”
As the look of confusion passes over the assembled crowd, Suzie-Steve finally relents.
“Well fat man, looks like we going on a road trip.”
“Okayso we got everything we need, right?” asks Alex “Flashlights, batteries, walkietalkies?”
“Dude, chill out. We got everything we could possibly need” chides Bryan.
“Hey, we can’tbe too prepared. Remember, this ain’t gonna be a walk in the park. Who knows what we’re gonna run into out there.”
Stepping out of the large storagebay of the box truck, Suzie-Steve confesses,“Children, you got enough stuff in there to last till the next apocalypse. If we can’t make it with what we got in there, well we’d be better off just letting the stinky stiffs get us and be done with it. We ready to hit the road yet?”
Looking around to see if everyone is ready, Bryan notices two conspicuously absent members of the group. “Hey, where is Justin and Helga?”
“I think I saw them heading out to the main floor a while ago” says Larry. “Ya better go get’em. Suzie-Steve gets really anxious when she gets ready for a road trip. She is liable to leave them if they ain’t here when it’s time to go.”
“Brandon, you and Melody go see if you can find them” orders Alex.“And be careful”
With a look of cocky disdain, Brandon gives Alex a“Yeah, right”. Giving a quick nod to Melody who takes the cue instantly, tosses Brandon his sword and then slings her own over her tiny shoulder. As the two walk out the doors to the main floor, Alex can’t decide if he should be worried or proud of his little brother.
Moving through the aisles the two would be ninja assassins creep along, taking turns moving forward to scout for any would be stumble bums that may have managed to get into the store. “Where do you think they are?” asks Melody.
“Well let’s see, ifI was Justin and I was alone with a hot German chick who didn’t understand a word I said, where would I take her?”
In a moment of mutual, if somewhat pathetic realization, they both come to the same conclusion,“Toys”.
As Melody and Brandon make their way to the far corner of the store tothe toy section they start to hear faint noises. “What is that?” asks Melody.
“I don’t know, but it kindasounds like someone…giggling?”
Turning the corner the two youngsters see a sight that could be described on one hand as quaint and adorable but given their age and the usual expectation of what two teenagers might do when given the chance to be alone should probably just be seen as sad and pathetic. Sitting on the floor, legs crossed and facing each other, Justin and Helga have splayed out between them a collection of familiar children’s’ board games. Apparently having chosen“Hungry, Hungry Hippos” as their preferred post-apocalyptic form of entertainment the two are franticly smacking at the handles of their respective hippos trying to gobble up the mass of little red marbles that are rolling about in the middle of the game board.
“Um, should we interrupt them?” asks Melody. “I mean they do look like their having fun.”
“Lets give’em a minute. C’Mon letsfind us some fun of our own.”
“So what do you think about the mission. Think it’s too dangerous?” asks Melody
“Can’t be any worse than what we saw at the house. There were zom…stumble bums everywhere.”
“But from the sound of it we might be in for more of a mess than we want to get into. I mean, I know we gottahelp that poor girl if we can but I don’t want to lose one of us in the process. I mean I..I couldn’t stand it if something happened to Carla or Darla. Heck losing Helga would even bother me….I think.”
“Hey, as long as we stick together and watch each other’s backs we’ll be okay..allof us.”
With a nod of reassurance a smile inchesacross Melody’s face. Suddenly the smile becomes an a
ngry grimace as she draws her sword and storms past Brandon. Turning to follow her movement Brandon sees the object of her anger. Stumbling down the aisle of discarded ladies undergarments, three zombies are slowly making their way to the back of the store, seeminglydrawn by Justin and Helga’s laughter. Drawing his own sword, Brandon chases after Melody who already has her first target in her sights. The first zombie, a female who was probably in her mid to late thirties when she turned and from the look of her clothes with the low cut v-neckt-shirt and the hip hugger sweat pants with the word“Pink” sprawled across her ass she was probably one of those soccer moms who thought she was still the hottie that she was in high school and that all the younger boys all wanted to get with. Now, with her olive green complexion, blood stained clothes, and matted hair she couldn’t get laid in a comic book convention full of horny, sexually frustrated teenage boys with terminal cases of CBS– Chaffed Boner Syndrome.
“Hey therelittle lady” says Melody as she angles her approach to catch the female zombie from the left. Planting her foot on a nearby shelf that used to hold piles of neatly folded tank tops and jogging pants, Melody pushes off, intending to jump up and come down in a forward slashing motion to dispatch the female zombie in one killing stroke.
As she pushes off with her foot, the shelf suddenly slides, apparently not mounted to the floor as Melody had assumed. With the abrupt shiftingof the shelf, Melody’s momentum is halted, her trajectory altered and what would have been a graceful pirouette of death now ends in a hard thump on the floor. Jarred by the sudden, unexpected jolt, Melody is stunned when she finds herself staring up at the necrotic face of the zombie soccer mom. Instinctively she goes to slash at her assailant but quickly realizes that her sword is no longer in her hand. Looking around she sees that it has skidded on the hard tile floor and is now squarely out of her reach. With a very real sense of dread and fear coming over her she, for the first time since this craziness all started, feels panic start to well up in her chest. For just a moment she forgets that she is a zombie killing machine and reverts back to being a little twelve-year-old girl. A very scared twelve-year-old girl. Covering her eyes, she expects the worst but the worst never comes. Peeking up through her fingers and the jumble of wiry red curls Melody sees Brandon. More aptly she sees a zombie slaying demon that, for the moment, has decided to take possession of Brandon.