Tainted by Love

by Jones, Gillian

  “Go for it. Those were thrilling, but I’ll need to know juicier ones if I’m going to share mine,” Trin says honestly, and I hear the uncertainty creeping back in her tone. It’s time to move on to more serious admissions, especially if I want her to build up enough confidence to tell me what’s stopping her from giving us a chance.

  “And now I’ll share the big ones.” I let out a sigh, knowing what I plan to share with her will be hard. I don’t do well with not holding grudges and I’ve held a grudge towards relationships for a very long time. I’m only hoping this game of mine serves its purpose. “Truth: I lost my virginity when I was sixteen. She was nineteen, and my friend’s sister. We were home alone at his house and she seduced me,” I laugh, knowing she won’t buy the last bit at all.

  “Oh, I just bet she did. Always been the ladies’ man, eh?” she laughs.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah. See? It’s easy, even if you judged me. I can’t see your face so it’s easier to take,” I joke. “Now, you can share something of your own. Got it?” I ask.

  “Got it. And I didn’t mean to sound like I was judging you.”

  “No worries, I get it. I do have a hell of a track record. But I plan on fixing that. Okay, your turn.”

  “Okay, I’m ready. Truth: I didn’t lose my virginity until I was in university. I guess I was a late-bloomer.”

  “Wow, that’s incredible. Have you seen yourself?” I ask, unable to keep it in. Because, let’s be honest, between her looks and her personality—once she warms up—she’s an amazing woman. One I assumed would have been asked out and chased a lot.

  “I guess I never liked anyone enough. Before I knew it, I was going off to Queen’s a virgin.” I feel her shrug. “God. That was embarrassing.”

  “It’s not. I think it’s pretty awesome, Trin. Shows a lot. Okay, here goes. Truth: you’re quickly becoming one of my favourite people. I’ve never been like this with a girl before. Never,” I admit, then wait, letting it sink in.

  “Truth,” she repeats, her voice a bit shaky. “I feel the same, Hendrix. I look for you, look forward to our nightly texts…I even like how impossible you are.”

  “I knew it.” I squeeze our hands. “Truth: my mum lives in England, and I miss her everyday ’cause I’m a total mama’s boy,” I share.

  “I love that!” Trin says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “Truth: I don’t speak to my parents. Their choice, not mine. And it used to hurt, but now I’m better for it. I have the Flynns,” Trinity shares, and I want to pry and ask more, but I know this was a big truth for her to share with me. I let it go and decide to flirt a bit more to try and lighten the mood before we get serious again.

  “Truth: I get very fucking hard when I catch you peeking at me at work, and see the way your hips sway when you walk through the bays, and how your tits bounce when you laugh. I fucking love it all.”

  “Jesus,” she mutters, a bit breathless. I love when she does that shit.

  “Truth: I wanted to kiss you last night,” I add.

  “Hey, it’s my turn,” she quips.

  “Sorry. Go.”

  “Truth: I like you. A lot. But you terrify me. You clearly have way more experience than me, I’ve only ever been with three men,” she admits, and I swear the thought of her with even one guy pisses me off. Knowing there are three men out there that have been with my Fruitloop makes me feral. Given my own history, that’s completely insane, but I can’t help it. Something about her makes me selfish, protective, and possessive.

  Deciding it’s time to share my biggest truth with her, I take a deep breath before starting what I hope will lead to our last round. “Truth: I haven’t had a girlfriend or trusted a woman since I was eighteen. Callie, my girlfriend at the time, went a little off her rocker when I decided to end things. She showed up at my parents’ house one night saying she was pregnant. Then a few weeks later, when I’d finally processed everything and actually gotten excited at the idea of being a dad, I lost it all. Just when I’d decided I could happily be the man my parents raised me to be. My mum had suggested we go over and talk to Callie’s parents, to sort things out, to make sure they knew that I was planning on being a hands-on father, and that my family was going to help us however they could. That’s when everything went for shit. I’ll never forget it. We showed up at Callie’s place, then she took one look at my mum and me and began to cry. Turns out it was all bullshit. That she’d been lying. Callie broke down and admitted in front of everyone that she’d made the whole thing up. She thought if I thought we were having a baby then she wouldn’t lose me. We’d had unprotected sex one time, ’cause we’d run out of condoms and I was too horny to wait—learned my lesson there, eh? And because of that one time, I’d believed her without question. I haven’t trusted a woman other than my mother since. The whole thing sucked hard, and after that mess I vowed I’d never be a fool again,” I spew, pretty much all in one breath. Anger I thought I’d repressed is surfacing again as I dredge up the memory. I knew if I didn’t get it all out in one go, I might not have been able to go through with it. But I wanted Trinity to know. I want her to get me and to understand that for some unknown reason, she’s different, and I trust her. For the first time in years, I want someone to know all of me. We’re silent for a beat before I feel her try to turn around, but I don’t budge. I work to keep us back to back.

  “Hendrix, please. Let me turn around.”

  “No, Trin, we’re still playing. I can’t let you see me yet.”

  “But I want you to see my face, to see, to know that I’d never do that to you. Ever.”

  “Trust me, Trin. I know. In the short time we’ve known each other, it’s one thing I know for certain. It was a long time ago. It’s my hang up, and I’m working on it. Being with you makes that seem like more of a possibility than ever. You’ve already helped me so much. I’ve never been friends with a woman like I am with you. Nor have I ever wanted a woman as badly as I want you. I see a future with you in it,” I admit before I can stop myself. It’s true, though, so fuck it, might as well own it. She can have all my truths today. “I want you, Trinity. And I know you want me, too. Show me you’re on the same page, that you feel the same way. It’s time you share your biggest truth with me. Can you do that, baby? Can you give me your trust back?”

  She lets out a loud whimper that has me fighting not to turn and take her into my arms. I wait, giving her the time she needs.

  “Okay,” she says. “Truth: I haven’t dated in over a year. Last year, I shared this same truth with a guy who ended up destroying my confidence in men and in myself. After that, any hope I had of finding someone who could see past everything that’s happened to me just vanished. Jared broke me, and, Hendrix, I tried to deny you, tried to friendzone us, but, honestly, I want so much more. I’m just scared you’re going to hate me and be repulsed by me, like Jared was. God, I—this is hard,” she sobs.

  “Everything’s going to be okay, Trin. Trust me. I can be an asshole, sure, but I’d never hurt you.”

  “I believe you. I just need a sec.”

  “I’ve got all day, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere,” I promise, hoping she hears the conviction behind my words.

  “Hendrix?” Trin asks, after a few moments.

  “I’m here, Fruitloop. I’ll always be right here.” I feel her tighten her grip, while trying to step back into me some more, as if she needs me closer.

  “Truth: two years ago, when I was twenty-five, I…I tested positive for HIV. I’m HIV-positive, Hendrix. I’m not a sure thing, or a happily ever after.”

  She stops. I feel her shoulders slump.

  I feel my stomach drop, my heart following right behind it.

  There’s a lump in my throat.

  I feel dizzy, and anger pulses within me.

  What the fuck?

  What the actual fuck?

  I’m going to fucking lose it.

  I let go of her hands; I can barely contain the powerful emotions, which are rushing thr
ough me. I spin, and see her back go rigid as she freezes, waiting for me to say or do something.

  Finally finding my voice, I say hoarsely: “Turn around and look at me, Trinity. Now.”

  31

  Trinity

  “Turn around and look at me, Trinity. Now.”

  I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t catch my breath…

  He didn’t say anything the whole time I let loose, and now he sounds pissed.

  I can’t look at him. I won’t. I can’t bear to see that look in his eyes, that familiar look that leaves me feeling nothing but shame. I have to get out of here. A loud sob wracks through my body, and my fight-or-flight instinct kicks in. I move forward, ready to bolt out the door. Tears blur my vision as I estimate it will only take me six or seven steps before I can make my escape. If I can just make it outside, I’ll be able to breathe.

  I need Til and I need Dex. I can’t go through this again, not with Hendrix.

  As if sensing my plan, his muscular arms wrap around my waist from behind, stopping me from making tracks.

  “Easy, Trinny,” he growls, his deep voice against my ear as he pulls me flush to his chest. “I’m not letting you go. Turn around, baby, and face me. Please, my brave girl, don’t you dare give up on me now. ’Cause there’s no way in hell I’m giving up on you. Look at me, Fruitloop. See me.”

  His words fall on me like a soothing blanket on a chilly night. I want to turn and savour the warmth of his words and trust the comfort they’re giving me, but I’m so fucking scared. But I also know I’m going to cave, I’m going to turn, I just need a second. Swallowing my fears and doubts, I decide I am going to give him my trust. To let Hendrix see all of me, and to really see him.

  “I—I—I—”

  “Take, a deep breath, Trin. I’m here; I’m not letting you go. I’m right here with you.”

  Shaking my head, I wipe my tears before slowly turning around and stepping a few paces away. I need space.

  God, he’s magnificent. We’re both so bare, so open right now. His eyes meet mine, and he’s still here. Waiting. Speaking about Callie couldn’t have been easy, and hearing about me having HIV couldn’t have been easy. Yet, here we stand, supporting each other, standing face-to-face—no judgment, no harsh comments, nothing but understanding. He’s gazing down at me kindly, not scowling, and I feel both happy and relieved.

  Is this real? For the first time since Jared, I feel hope that maybe I can do this—maybe I can be in a relationship with a man. With a man like Hendrix. He’s the unexpected force that didn’t give up. He’s my friend, the person I want to tell all of my truths to, about how terrified of this disease I am, how I am scared to lose Andrea, how I miss my mom so damn much, how I secretly long for a family, and most of all, long to be loved and to give love. I want everything, and I’m starting to believe I want it all with him.

  “There she is. There’s my girl.”

  “My girl”. I definitely like that.

  He sees me.

  “Can you do me a favour, Trin? Can you tell me again? Not about that cocksucker, we can revisit that later, but the rest.”

  I try to speak, but I can’t. I’m too overwhelmed with emotions. Just when I think things are going to be good, I panic and start thinking the worst. Maybe was I wrong? Maybe this is some sick joke. Does he want me to watch him while I say it again so I’ll see the look of disgust on his face? No, he wouldn’t do that—he’s not Jared. Hendrix is nothing like that man. Too verklempt with emotion and conflicting thoughts to speak, I shake my head over and over, silently telling him no.

  “Tell me again.” He cups my cheeks in his hands, to stop my head from moving. “Relax, Trinity. I’m not asking to be mean, trust me. Just do this for me,” he begs, before leaning in and putting his lips to my ear, his voice laced with the same emotions I’m feeling. I know this is a lot for him, too, but he’s being incredibly patient. I think, deep-down, I knew he would be.

  Whispering, he tries again. “Tell me, Trin. And watch me when you do. Pay attention to my reaction. Look in my eyes, at my facial expression, because, yeah, it’s a life-altering fact, but it’s one that doesn’t change the fact that I care about you—and not about you having HIV. I care for you so much. The HIV, that’s not what got me pissed. What has me shaking with rage is the fucking asshole who made you feel you needed to hide, who convinced you that I might be the same as that coward. And I’m pissed off at anyone else who has been stupid enough to let you go because of something that is a part of you—might even change you—but in no way defines you.” He kisses my forehead.

  “That’s what Shannon says,” I whisper, “that people who can’t see past my status—ones who see it as my definition—don’t deserve any piece of me.”

  “See? I knew I liked that girl,” I hear him grin, and I can’t avoid him any longer. I look up, his intense acorn-coloured eyes meeting with mine.

  “I’ve lost a lot of people along the way already,” I say. “I couldn’t stand thinking I might lose you, too. You’ve kind of become a fixture in my life. One that makes me feel special, unique.”

  “I fucking adore you, Trinity Adams, and I want nothing more than for you to give us a chance. Now, tell me again to my face, and pay close attention to how much I see you. I see you, just as much as you see me, probably more. I see today, tomorrow and a whole shitload of days from now. I see us together.” He runs his thumb along my cheek, gifting me with a smile that is just totally, him. “We both know nothing’s changed here today. You having HIV doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Sure, it’s a shock and we’ll need to talk it through, but right now, I only want you to look at me and see how I see you. You’re perfect.”

  Breathing heavily while I take in his words, I can’t stand the distance I’ve put between us any longer. “You’re the perfect one,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck and jumping up into his arms, wrapping my legs around his strong waist, craving his proximity. I want him to hold me as desperately as I want to hold onto him, to comfort him as he is comforting me. Pulling back a little, I look deep into his eyes and repeat, “I am HIV-positive. I have been for two years. It doesn’t change who I am,” I add, with the renewed confidence he’s given me in this moment. “And I see you, too, Hendrix. So much, and I want this—you—so much.”

  “That’s the best news I’ve heard all day, baby,” he says, his gaze meeting mine again, and what I see reflecting back at me is beautiful. It’s my Hendrix, with his confident shit-eating grin in place, and his soft eyes looking down upon me, silently telling me how much he still wants me even with the knowledge of my illness. Best of all, I still see that spark with which he looks at me still shining in his eyes. There aren’t any shadows lingering or making their way to the forefront. His view of me isn’t one of a tainted woman; it’s a view filled with clarity and the promise of wonderful things to come. He looks at me simply like I’m a woman he likes and desires, and that feels incredible. He sees my light.

  Hendrix sees me. He sees all of me: the person I am today, the girl I’ve always been, and the woman I might become. I just hope he also sees the Trinity that is looking right back at him, the one who already loves him so much.

  I sigh contentedly, finally relaxing.

  Knowing my biggest truth, Hendrix Hills still wants me.

  32

  Hendrix

  HIV.

  H…I…fucking…V!

  What the fuck?

  What the actual fuck?

  What do I say?

  Do?

  This shit is deep.

  HIV…

  Three fucking letters. A whole list of red flags.

  What the fuck?

  I want to leave, so I can wrap my head around this shit.

  But then I look at her, feel her clinging to me, and I start to come back.

  It’s Trinity. I just got her, there’s no way I can leave her. And, truth: I don’t want to. If it was any other chick, there’s no way, but it’s her. And since the
second my eyes landed on her gripping that fucking tire iron, looking sexy as hell, showing how feisty she can be, there’s been that voice in my head telling me that she’s special, different.

  I need to wig the hell out for a second, but for now, I also need to keep my cool and listen. The ringing in my ears is starting to fade. Holding Trinity in my arms is helping, but I can’t stop my mind from reeling at the information she just laid out for me. But, unlike she expected, it doesn’t change a damn thing. Nothing has changed.

  Sure, I’ll need to educate myself, and I’ll probably fuck up here and there, but that’s what a relationship is. I can deal with this. I want to take this on with her, to help her. Nothing will change, well, other than my fierce need to protect her which is suddenly more present than ever before. Shaking, I hold her as tight—if not tighter—than she is holding me. When I saw her looking to bolt, I thought I’d lost her, but this thing between us is stronger than that. I’ll never forget the look on her stunning face when it dawned on her that her being HIV-positive didn’t change a damn thing between us, the way her breathing calmed and her eyes lit up as she started to believe me. Sure, we’ve got a shit ton to talk about, but that can wait. Right now, all I want is to reassure her that she and I are on the same page.

  HIV-positive. How the fuck did such an innocent woman with such limited experience get HIV? Transfusion? Needles? Sex? I formulate question upon question that I want to ask, but I don’t want to seem on the offensive. The last thing Trin needs is to feel attacked when she’s at her most vulnerable.

  Nuzzling into her neck, I inhale her sweet fruity scent. The feel of her ass in my hands isn’t lost on me, either. She’s the sexiest woman I’ve ever met, so strong and brave. And I want to take this woman like none before her—but not now, not like this.

  “Does this mean I can finally kiss you, Trinity?” I ask into her neck while I walk her over and lift her onto the countertop. The need to taste her lips is one thing that can’t wait. I’ve imagined this woman’s taste for way too long, and I’m going to kiss her, to show her how badly I want her in spite of what she’s just revealed. Nudging her legs apart, I step in close, craving nearness.