Tainted by Love

by Jones, Gillian

  Looking over at Trinity, I smile. “Well, not entirely. I lied.”

  “See what I mean?” The doc looks at Trin and they share another laugh at my expense.

  When I’d first pulled into the medical building’s lot, I cut the ignition and told Trinity that we had an appointment with my doctor. I’d admitted wanting us both to feel at ease moving forward in our relationship, and wanting to get us both some first-hand information. I also didn’t hold back with my intentions, either. I had a lot to say and I wanted to make sure she understood where I was coming from.

  Leaning across the console so we were facing, I’d taken her face in my hands and whispered, “I want everything you are, Trinny. I’m serious. I’ve never been more sure. Not about my mum moving back to England, not about the garage—nothing. And from the way you are when we’re together and the things you tell me, I know you want it with me, too. I feel it.”

  “Hendrix,” she’d said, her voice going small. “I can’t believe you’ve done this for me.”

  “It’s for us, Trin. I think hearing a doctor confirm what we already know will put your mind at ease,” I said, taking her lips against mine. “I see the light in your eyes when I talk about us in the same sentence, about all the things we want to do. It’s time we figure out how to be the us we both want,” I’d added, before kissing her deeply.

  Pulling away, she’d drifted her soft hand across my jaw. “Let’s do this. It’s crazy,” she muttered, looking me straight in the eye, a huge grin lighting up her beautiful face.

  “What’s crazy?” I asked, a little confused.

  “We’re going to be an ‘us’. It’s been so long since I’ve considered being a part of anyone else, or having a relationship. I’m excited to have it be with you,” she said, before she’d leaned over and rested her head on my chest. “You’re amazing,” she’d whispered. “I’m sorry, I was wrong. I feel guilty for seeing you as someone who wouldn’t accept me, and I’m going to make it up to you, I promise.”

  “Oh I know you will, baby,” I added, rubbing her back.

  “You want to know the best part, though?” she had asked, having perked up a bit.

  “What?”

  “I love knowing you get me. And you’re right, I am a bit loopy, but know beyond any shadow of doubt I want an us. I want it so badly that I’m done hiding and I’ll fight every day for it. Going forward, there will always be truth between us.”

  “Thank Christ, baby. You had me at ‘us’ and ‘fight for it’; that’s all I care about.”

  She’d laughed, and it was sexy as fuck, her hand resting on my heart.

  She leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Now, let’s go talk to your doc. I need in these pants, and soon…” she’d smirked, reached down and rubbed her hand across my jeans, back and forth over my hard length.

  “Jesus. You’re killing me, Fruitloop,” I’d said, “but you’re going to make us late.”

  “Hendrix?” Dr. Millman’s voice brings me back to the conversation.

  “Sorry, I was lost in thought. Anyway, I really wanted to talk to you about something else, but I didn’t want to tell Grace what it was for before I’d cleared it with Trinity.” I look at Trin, and see her warm eyes.

  “Alright, then. It must be important to you. What can I help you guys with?” he asks, and I don’t know quite how to start. Suddenly, I’m all emotional at having to say the words out loud, as if saying it to someone else will make it real. I can’t seem to get past the lump that’s lodged itself in my throat. Luckily, I don’t have to.

  “I’m HIV-positive and I’msoscaredtohavesexwithHendrixbutI’mdyingto,” Trin blurts, then covers her hand over her mouth like I’ve seen her do when she shocks herself with her own words.

  The doctor and I burst out laughing.

  “Thanks for the save, baby. I couldn’t get it out.”

  She grabs my hand.

  “I know, it’s hard to say sometimes, when you start thinking of everything you’re admitting. I get it.” she says, offering a small smile.

  Fuck, I adore this girl. She’s honest and true, and best of all, she gets me, she accepts that this is hard. No matter how well I initially took the news, it will always be hard to accept. Things might not always be simple where her health is concerned, and it’s as if that idea finally took root in my mind when he asked me why we were here. Trinity might not always be the healthy woman I see sitting beside me. Her disease could still win. Shaking my head, I tamp those thoughts down, deciding to lock them away. There’s no room for that shit, not today, not when she’s healthy and we’re both happy.

  “That’s perfectly normal. You’re not the first couple I’ve had come see me about this same issue. It’s a lot more common today than people realize,” he says, looking between the two of us. “First off, I want to commend you for being proactive. I’m glad to help in any way I can.” Dr. Millman smiles warmly, reaching for his tablet. “What questions do you have?”

  “I worry mainly about Hendrix having all the facts, and being sure that we take everything into consideration before having sex or being intimate, I guess. I’m stressing that I might make Hendrix sick. It’s the last thing I’d ever want; so when I think about my desire for intimacy with him, it’s making me feel selfish. I’ll feel better when he hears it all from his own doctor, versus simply believing everything I’ve been saying and what we’ve been reading on the Internet together. I’ll feel better knowing he has all the information, you know?”

  “Informed consent, as it were,” says Dr. Millman.

  “Yes. I know if we’re careful, the chances of transmission are very low, but I’m happy to have you confirm that. It’s crazy. I know all this, I teach and preach all this, but it’s completely different to tell another human being—one you care about and want to be intimate with—that the risks are low. I wouldn’t ever want to appear as if I was being deceitful to get what I want sexually,” Trinity tells us, blushing, sweeping her long bangs from her eyes and letting out a deep breath. I place my hand on her knee and squeeze, letting her know I’m here with her.

  “Thank you for being so conscientious about keeping me healthy. This is exactly why we’re here. To make sure we’re both aware and ready, and to put us both at ease. ’Cause I think you’re ready, Trin, and I was months ago.” I raise my brows up and down, making her laugh.

  Clearing his throat, Dr. Millman interrupts, bringing us back into focus. “Okay, lovebirds. Let’s start with your first concern, then move through as much as we can in the time we have.”

  We both nod, and Trin speaks first. “Condoms. Are they really enough protection?”

  “Yes. When worn properly and consistently, they are sufficient protection when having intercourse or for oral sex. Now, of course, they can break, abstinence is best, but that’s not a realistic option for people who want to be sexually active.”

  “Oh, and we do,” I chime in.

  “How about this: why don’t I review the lower-, medium- and higher-risk activities, and then if you have specific questions we can answer those?” Dr. Millman offers, and we both agree. “Alright. Touching, holding hands, sharing drinks or food, kissing—and French-kissing—are all safe, lower-risk act—”

  I cut him off.

  “First, I need to know about oral sex? Then we can move backwards. That’s my biggest question, sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off, but I really want to know,” I say. I couldn’t help it. He was telling me stuff I already knew, and I’ve been thinking about tasting Trin for far too long. I want Dr. Millman to tell me it’s all right.

  “Oh, God, Hendrix. This is embarrassing!” Trinity slaps my arm.

  “What?” I ask innocently. “I’m curious. It’s a good question.”

  “I guess I’ll start with oral sex, then, so we can put Hendrix out of his misery.” Dr. Millman shakes his head at me, and I mentally give him a high-five for getting to the good stuff.

  “Thanks, Doc.”

  “Oral sex does present s
ome risk of transmission because it can lead to an exchange of bodily fluids, but it’s rare and unlikely. There have been minimal cases of transmission via oral sex reported, all in which sex had occurred afterwards, so we don’t know for certain. But it is considered a lower-risk activity. There are a few ‘look fors’ to consider, before engaging in oral sex, but not too many.”

  “Okay, what are they?” I blurt.

  “I’m getting there,” Dr. Millman says.

  “Sorry, go on.”

  “The things to look out for are pretty straightforward and common sense, such as making sure there are no open cuts, sores or bleeding at the time of contact. Don’t perform cunnilingus on Trinity when she’s close to menstruating. At that time, the HIV levels in her fluids are higher. I assume you’re on medication, Trinity?”

  “Yes. I take Atripla once a day as my ART therapy, and I began it as soon as I was diagnosed two years ago. My last CD4 count was 1200 cubic millilitres, when I was checked last month,” Trinity says, lowering her head as if embarrassed to be sharing this information.

  “Don’t.” I move off my chair and crouch before her. “Look at me.”

  “I’m sorry, it’s hard to talk about, especially with you here. I feel dirty…unworthy of you.”

  “Fruitloop,” I whisper into her ear and she finally looks at me, unshed tears making her eyes look glassy. “None of this matters to me. We’re a team now, Trinity, and you talking about this makes me proud; ecstatic that you’d put yourself out there for me. You’re fighting every day, remember? You’re brave.”

  “Yes. And I’ll always fight.”

  “Good.” I kiss her forehead. “Dr. Millman will give it to us straight, don’t worry. You’re mine now, Trin. And it’s our decision.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry,” she says, giving me a smile, then looks past me. “Sorry, Dr. Millman, this is hard for me.”

  “No need to apologize, Trinity. Here, let me help make you feel better,” he says warmly, handing Trin a chart. “See here? Your count is very good. Anything between 500 and 1200 is healthy, as I’m sure you remember from first being diagnosed. It means your viral load is actually quite low, so there isn’t much reason to worry about oral transmission. The fact that you take your meds daily also helps immensely. My only suggestion where oral sex is concerned is to avoid it a few days before and after your cycle, just to be sure. Other than that, you and Hendrix can have a healthy and active sexual relationship.” He takes a few things from a cabinet and holds up a small square package. “And if you’re still worried, you can always try using this. It’s a dental dam, a small piece of latex you position over the vaginal area as a barrier when performing oral sex. Some people like to use them and others don’t, it’s your decision as a couple. Condoms when performing fellatio are also an option,” he says, handing me a few packages of the dental dams along with some condoms. He also hands me a prescription for a pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) medication called Truvada. It’s a preventative therapy that was approved by Health Canada in February 2016. Despite its high cost, seeing as it’s not covered by insurance, I think it will still be worth it if it’ll give Trin and I some piece of mind and further reduce our risk level.

  We spend another few minutes asking questions and, best of all, my girl even laughed once or twice. By the time we left, I could see the tension in Trinity’s eyes dissolving. My spunky girl who loved to give as good as she got was coming back to me.

  On the way home, she opened up about a few last truths. She shared all of the dirty things she wanted to do to me, which had me pulling over at the side of the road needing a taste of her sweet mouth.

  Taking her to see Dr. Millman was the best decision I’ve made in a long time, and I cannot wait to reap the benefits.

  36

  Trinity

  “Man, he’s perfect for you, Trin. I’m very happy for you; I can’t believe he took you to his doctor! I mean, how many guys would do that? Gah, I love him a little bit more right now,” Shannon says, gushing through the phone.

  I decided to give her a call once we got back; I wanted her feedback on my decision to have sex with Hendrix tonight. I seriously don’t think I can wait much longer, and he’s been incredible with me.

  Except once we got back to the garage, when Hendrix suggested that I head up and relax, maybe have a nap. He said he imagined that I might be a bit drained after our appointment. And, of course, I got pissy…

  “A nap?” I cross my arms over my chest as we stand at the bottom of the stairs leading up to my place.

  “Yeah, I got a few things to finish up. Flynn told us to take the rest of the day, but I figured I’d work a bit while you go up and have a nap.” He shrugs like he doesn’t see what he’s doing.

  “I’m not sick. I feel great, and I don’t need a fucking nap. I have to feed Beast and change his litter. Don’t you dare suggest I need a nap!” I spew, and I’m pissed right off. How dare he treat me like this, like I’m fragile and need a nap after being a bit stressed? Before I can speak, he’s right up in my face, pulling at my crossed arms before moving us so our chests are touching. We’re both clearly worked up, chests heaving, our eyes dilated with a mix of lust and anger.

  “Listen to me, Fruitloop. Calm yourself down, and hear me good,” he grits out, pulling me even closer to him. “I don’t think you need a nap ’cause you’re sick. I was only suggesting you get some rest before I come up and slip my raging hard cock between your legs, over and over again for the rest of the night. I thought after I took care of the cat and a few things, I’d come up and show you just how fucking good you can feel,” he says, his tone cocky.

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah, ‘oh’,” the smug bastard repeats. I know. I’m an asshole. “That sound good?” He leans down and pulls on my bottom lip, while taking my hand and placing it on his thickness.

  “So good.” I squeeze him.

  “Good. Now go rest up for me. I’ll be up soon,” he says, before kissing me.

  “Yeah,” I sigh dreamily, “he really is something. I think there’s definitely going to be a burglary tonight,” I squeal, before laughing so hard I almost pee.

  “Oh, my fuck! It’s about time. Yay, Trin, I’m excited for you!” she says. “Now, tell me all the juicy details. Does Hendrix know tonight’s the night? What did the doctor say? Eep!”

  After I respond to Shannon’s Spanish Inquisition, I draw a bath, shave and trim all necessary parts, and gather the dental dam and condoms from my purse, placing them on my white night table.

  *

  “Trin?” I hear Hendrix call from the kitchen.

  I’d unlocked the door for him a few minutes ago, once I got his text saying he was on his way up.

  I’m a mess. My heart’s going to jump out of my chest, and butterflies fill my stomach as I stand in the middle of my bedroom waiting for him. After my bath, I put on my sexiest lingerie, then quickly covered it with flannel pants and a loose Depeche Mode concert shirt, not wanting to appear too presumptuous. And because my nerves got the best of me.

  “In here,” I call, my voice wavering, my nervousness clear.

  “Were you slee—” He stops once he opens the door. “Hey, baby. You’re up. I thought you might be napping.” His eyes rake over my body, a small grin tugging on his lip.

  “Nope. I had a bath and, since then, I’ve been waiting for you,” I admit, as he takes a step in and closes the door behind him.

  “I like hearing that. I’ve been thinking of you, too.” His eyes flare as he steps closer to me. “But I was definitely not thinking of that,” he smiles, pointing at my docking station, and I roll my eyes at his comment.

  Justin Bieber’s “Let Me Love You” plays from where my iPod is docked on the dresser. Despite Hard Rock Hendrix’s disdain, to me the lyrics couldn’t be any more perfect for this moment.

  The song ends as we both stare at my iPod. I switch it to another playlist. “Better?” I ask.

  “Marginally, but it’ll do. B
ut I’m not here to listen to music tonight. What have you been thinking about me, Trinny?” he asks. His voice is gruff and his eyes are hazy with lust, reflecting my own desire.

  Any lingering doubts I may have had crumble into a heap of ruins as we stand face-to-face. I’m going to give in to him, to this, to everything that’s between us. I’m going to always be open and honest with him, willing to put myself out there one hundred percent where this man is concerned. I’m overcome with the emotions I’m feeling towards Hendrix now that he’s in my bedroom standing right in front of me.

  “I was thinking how much I love you. About how you’re an incredibly kind, honest and caring man. One I’m so deeply in love with it scares the shit out of me, but at the same time, makes me feel like I could do anything, like I could fly.” I step closer, resting my fingers on a button of his plaid work shirt. “This will change everything,” I say, looking up into his dilating eyes as I start undoing the buttons, revealing a white muscle shirt underneath. “You’ll really be mine now, Hendrix.”

  “I already was, since the second I set my eyes on you.”

  “You’ve changed me. You’ve helped me heal so much. Thank you for being you, Hendrix.” I kiss his exposed chest and arms, running my lips over the ink that graces his strong collarbone. I kiss the colourful four-point star on his biceps, and run my tongue over the Latin quote, “Timendi causa est nescire” (Ignorance is the cause of fear), that’s peeking out beneath the strap of his undershirt.

  He responds by gripping the hem of my t-shirt. “Change is good, Trin. You’ve helped me, too. You’ve let me see you, and I’ve learned to open up. And I’m completely in love with you. It’s immeasurable…the way you make me feel. I’ll never take it for granted, ever. It’s you and me, Trinny, for as long as we get. We’re a team, and you’re my forever. And this change, this right here—seeing you like this, giving yourself to me—is fucking perfect.” He gently slips my shirt off over my head, and his eyes widen when he reveals my lemon yellow satin bra.