Tainted by Love

by Jones, Gillian

  “I know. She’s probably shaking her head at me. I can imagine the shit she’d give me if she could. It’s easier said than done, though. I compare everyone to her—her looks, her scent, her courage, her…everything her. She’s irreplaceable,” I say, chewing on a chicken wing.

  “Listen, you gave Trinity her happily ever after ending. Don’t for one second think she left this earth feeling unfulfilled, unloved, or with any regrets. You gave her that, Hendrix. Now it’s time for you to move on. I know for a fact, both Shannon and Nadia have a list of women they think might be a good fit,” Flynn says, his voice firm. He’s right; it’s been three years since Trinity’s death, and there have been countless offers and attempts to get me to date—with many set ups and too many instances of me bailing at the last minute. It just never feels right.

  “Easier said than done. I miss her so fucking much, every second of every day. How would that be fair to anyone else? I’m all baggage right now.”

  “Well, you never know until you try. Your own ‘happily ever after’ is what we all want to see for you,” he air quotes. “That’s what I’m sayin’, if you wanna get all girly about it.”

  “You don’t get it. None of you do. Fuck.” I take a swig of my beer before running my hand down my face and continuing. “I already had my fucking happy ending, and now she’s fucking gone, Dex.” I grit out, calling him by his first name for probably the first time. “Want to know my happy ending? I need my wife, not some replacement. I can’t just move on. She was my goddamn life. Zara and Trinity, they were my happy, and Zara testing negative gave me my ever after. I’m not looking for another woman to try and be what she can’t ever be. You need to listen, old man,” I say with a bit more bite than I intend, but Flynn isn’t buying it.

  “You’re not listening, goddammit. You live for her memory. You survive and thrive day after day for your beautiful daughter. You’re an incredible father. That girl longs for nothing, and knows she’s loved. You keep on sharing stories about her mother like you and the rest of us do. You keep the pictures around the house like you have. But, fuck, Hendrix…” Flynn’s voice cracks with the seriousness he obviously feels about this. He lets out a loud breath and offers me a warm smile. “Son, Trinity is still here. Maybe not the version you or the rest of us want. But in Zara, she’s there. If ever I’ve seen her, she’s a part of that little girl. You’ve got a daughter who will forever bind you to your wife. A special girl, one who is healthy—one who needs you now more than ever. You’re her everything, Hendrix. Don’t you think for one second that Trinity isn’t pissed at you for waiting for so long to find someone who will love the two of you as much as she did. Zara needs a mother.”

  “She has a mother,” I interject, getting pissed off. “No-one can replace Trinity,” I hiss, giving him as solid case of cut-eye. A part of me is shocked he’d say such a stupid thing.

  “Calm down. I’m not saying someone to replace Trinity. I know Zara has Tillie, Kara, Nadia, and Shannon, sure. Alls I’m sayin’ is that the little girl needs a real flesh-and-blood mother, someone who’s there at night, someone who will help her to fill that void she will surely feel as she grows up without Trinity. Zara needs and deserves that special bond. You both do. Enough is enough. Put yourself out there, man. Be the daddy who continues to shape and mold his daughter to grow up to be strong and loving like her mama, but also give yourself the opportunity to let someone else in. This is the first time in years you’ve let me talk like this without immediately crushing me in my tracks, that’s gotta count for something,” he implores. Reaching across the table, he pats my hand. “We’re all behind you, son. It’s time to rewrite your ending.”

  Overcome with feelings from his emotional ass-kicking, all I can do is nod.

  “Right,” Flynn nods back, raising his beer to mine. “Love ya, kid.”

  “You too, old man,” I say, raising my glass.

  “Now…think these fuckin’ Leafs can take it this year, or what?” Flynn says, as if we didn’t spend the last twenty minutes talking like two old hens, him helping me see that maybe he’s right. Maybe it is time to open myself up to the idea of letting someone in. At this point, I’ve got nothing to lose but everything to gain for me and my little princess.

  *

  “Slow down, Princess. Daddy needs to read his list,” I say, following a determined Zara down the cereal aisle. Of course, she ignores me and keeps bee-lining it down the aisle anyway.

  “Found it, Daddy!” Zara says, jumping up and down, before reaching for a box. The same box another arm is grabbing for at the same time. Suddenly, there are cereal boxes of all kinds and flavours scattered across the floor.

  “Ooopps. Sorrwy, Daddy,” Zara says, giggling, and that’s when I see that the second perpetrator is a woman.

  “You must like Froot Loops, too?” the woman asks Zara, smiling at her face to face amidst the mess of boxes all over the aisle.

  “I wove them. Here, you have this box,” Zar says, picking up two boxes from the floor and handing one to the lady. “I was runnin’. I’m sorrwy.”

  “Actually, the way I see it, we were both running for the Froot Loops, ’cause they are the best! I think our Princess Powers must be too strong today or something,” the blonde woman says, crouching down to Zara’s height. Looking all around the aisle as if she has a secret to share but only with Zara, her eyes briefly meet mine and she offers me a sweet smile before leaning in to my daughter and whispering, “I knew you must be a princess! All princesses love Froot Loops.”

  This causes Zara to clap and giggle while agreeing. “Yes, I’m Princess Zara, and I wove them so much.”

  As for me, I get a flutter in my heart that I haven’t felt in a really long time. This woman is really quite pretty, I notice, the way her hazel eyes shine as she speaks with my girl. Inching in closer to get a better look at this mystery woman as she and Zara continue to engage in this crazy cereal-and-princess talk, I have to admit this whole situation has me both intrigued and a little spellbound. Grinning at the ongoing exchange, I see my princess is hugging her box of cereal close to her, squeezing it against her chest to the point of crushing it. I chuckle.

  “I eat Froot Loops every morning,” Zara adds proudly, and the woman looks up at me for confirmation.

  “She really does, even if it’s just for a snack,” I offer, my voice hoarse. The fact that Zara asked if we could buy some Froot Loops the minute after I told her the story of her mum’s nickname a few months ago makes my chest ache. Pushing the feeling aside, I persevere and try to finish my conversation. “It’s quite the pandemic when we run out, like today.” I gesture at the boxes of cereal that lay scattered on the floor from my little hurricane’s pursuits. “Hence the excitement, because the store often runs out, you know,” I wink, joking with her, and it feels good. Really good, actually.

  “Hi, I’m Hendrix.” I step forward, offering my hand.

  “Hey. I’m Princess Karina,” she says, taking both Zara and I in. “It’s nice to meet you both. Zara, every day you eat them?” Karina asks, a shocked expression on her face.

  “Uh huh,” she nods, giving the box a little pat, as if it were Beast.

  “Wow, you really do love them. Maybe even more than me. I didn’t think that was possible,” Karina says, straightening herself back up, eliciting another giggle from Zara at her surprise.

  “I eat them, because my daddy used to call my mummy his Fruitloop. I eat them everyday and fink of her, that way we still can eat together, Nanny Tillie says.”

  I place my arm on Zara’s shoulder, pulling her back to stand closer to me. Not sure if it’s to comfort her or to protect myself.

  Cocking her head to the side, Karina looks unsure as she processes what Zara’s just disclosed. Then it clicks.

  “Oh, my. I’m so sorry,” she whispers at me, and then looks up, embarrassed. Her gorgeous hazel eyes are turning a stunning green as tears seem to be forming. She glances at Zara, clearly concerned that she may have upset my d
aughter.

  “Thank you. It’s been hard.” I offer a small smile, but I feel completely vulnerable right now. I’m not sure why, but I want to open up, to tell her more. “Zara’s mum passed away after giving birth, they only had a little bit of time,” I finish, and see this stranger’s face radiating only comfort. Flynn’s words from last week pop into my mind, words about taking a chance and moving on…about letting someone in.

  “Do you have a liddle girl or boy who you share your cereal with?” Zara asks, breaking the tension and my thoughts.

  “No, sweetheart. It’s only me,” Karina says, a shyness now falling over her demeanour.

  “Wow,” Zara says, echoing Karina’s earlier amazement. “Your Froot Loops must last a longtime, no sharin’. You’re lucky. Daddy says I have to share mine, and he eats them a lot, too…” Zara says, looking up at me with her little nose all scrunched up like her mother’s. It’s one of my favourite faces that she makes. Karina and I both burst out laughing at Zara’s accusing tone.

  “Well, I’d rather share them with someone, too, if I’m being honest. It’s important to share the things we love with the people we love. I just haven’t found someone who loves them as much as me yet, but I will one day,” Karina shares, smiling, her cheeks taking on a pinkish hue, and I feel a wave of relief on hearing this woman is single. I can’t explain why, but it’s a feeling I recognize from a long time ago. Is it hope?

  Zara seems to agree with Karina’s perspective on sharing, as she offers to help Karina eat her Froot Loops anytime Karina wants to practice her sharing. It makes me proud, witnessing how caring my little girl can be despite not really understanding the meaning of the words.

  Karina’s comment affects me, too, not just the part that told me she was single, but the way she said it. It was the determination I heard lying beneath what she said, determination coupled with a hint of hope, and her apparent conviction that she will find someone—the right one. It sparks something in me. Suddenly, I feel a surge of confidence that I haven’t felt in years, and for the first time in a long time, I feel almost optimistic.

  I bend down to start putting the cereal boxes back on their shelves. Karina reaches over to help and Zara hands her a package, her eyes open wide, a smile like her mum’s lighting her face.

  Swallowing my guilt, I allow myself to think of the future, to think thoughts I know would make Trinity proud, wherever she may be.

  You never know.

  Maybe one day, I’ll be capable of loving a woman again.

  Maybe one day, I’ll be healed by love, and not stay tainted by it.

  The End.

  Dear Reader,

  Where to start? I’m not entirely sure, to be honest. I do know that Trinity and Hendrix’s story might not be for everyone. And that’s okay, I’m comfortable with that. As with Call Me, I took a risk and stepped out of my comfort zone to write another standalone novel with some controversial themes, separate from my Pub Fiction series.

  I discovered that in North America, approximately 22% of new HIV infections occur in women (with the rate being closer to 29% for women ages 15 to 24). People I know have had friends and family members who have been personally impacted by HIV/AIDS, and I felt this was something I wanted to explore as a theme. Then, one day, Trinity popped into my head and wouldn’t budge, and I knew that I needed to write Tainted by Love.

  I also knew there would be a lot of research, tears, and some strong feelings over Trinity and Hendrix and a few of their decisions. Although their choices might not be what you’d choose, remember that there is an element of storytelling overlying the facts presented in the novel. These two are people in love, who made their own decisions and lived with the consequences. I consider this story to be a Happily Ever After in its own way, even if it might not seem that way to some readers.

  Regarding the statistics, medical aspects and health-related issues, I am not a physician. I did my best with my research and was as truthful and accurate about life with HIV and AIDS as possible, but remember that this is a work of fiction and allow for that as you read. This is not meant to be medical advice.

  Once again, thank you for giving my words a chance.

  Lots of love. Play safe.

  xx,

  Gillian

  More Information on HIV and AIDS

  CATIE (Canada’s source for HIV and hepatitis C information)

  www.catie.ca/en/home

  Canadian AIDS Society

  www.cdnaids.ca

  AIDS.GOV

  www.aids.gov/hiv-aids-basics

  The AIDS Network

  www.aidsnetwork.ca

  UNAIDS

  www.unaids.org/en/regionscountries/countries/unitedstatesofamerica

  WHO (World Health Organization)

  www.who.int/features/qa/71/en

  International AIDS Society

  www.iasociety.org

  American Foundation on AIDS Research

  www.amfar.org

  NAT (National AIDS Trust-UK)

  www.nat.org.uk/what-do-we-do/nat

  (RED)

  red.org/what-is-red

  World AIDS Day

  www.worldaidsday.org/about

  Acknowledgements

  Once again, I have so many people to thank for taking this journey with me, especially with this story and its subject matter. I don’t think I couldn’t have done this one without them.

  My amazing hubby and son—There aren’t enough words that I could use to express how lucky and thankful I am to have you two incredible guys in my life. You are my light, and I love you both, so very much.

  Paige—I literally could not have done this one without you. Thank you for being there and dealing with the special brand of crazy that came along with this story. Thank you for always talking me off the ledge, working issues out with me, and most of all for encouraging me and pushing me to write this story. I seriously love you and having you in my corner. I don’t think “thank-you” will ever cover how grateful I am for you.

  Toni—You are the best!!! I seriously would be lost without you. Thank you for always reading, giving me advice when I start to go crazy, for finding the little things, and for not only being the best PA ever, but more importantly, being my friend. I love you!

  Jade—My Jade. Simply put, I fucking love you, and I’m so thankful for your perspective, advice and for making me rethink how I handled certain situations in the story. I appreciate your insights so much, and you made me cautious when I needed to be. Thank you for giving my story a chance.

  Mandie—My newest beta, you were AMAZING! I loved having you on this adventure. Thank you for your honesty, for rereading over and over again, the late night messages, and, best of all, the friendship. I adore you, and I look forward to the next! xoxox

  Jelena—I don’t really have the right words to express how incredible it’s been getting to know you, and having you as a beta reader on this book. Your passion and enthusiasm were such a confidence booster, and I’ll always be so very appreciative for all the feedback and support. I love you hard, lady!

  Donna—Seriously, I feel you saved my sanity. Thank you for your honesty and for making me stick to the plan and for not letting me change a thing. Thank you for your kindness and knowing exactly what to say, and for making me feel excited about this story. But most of all, I need to thank you for your friendship; I cannot wait for the day we meet.

  Sophie—OMFG! If you hadn’t have stopped me, I would have given Hendrix the ending my heart didn’t want him to have. Thank you for making me think about what I wanted for him, and for not allowing me to get in my own way. I seriously think you saved my ass on this one, and for that I’m eternally grateful. Xo

  Shannon—Nugget!! Thank you for reading, and working through things with me over and over and over again. I’ve loved talking to you as if Hendrix and Trin were real (they are to me). Thank you for your honesty and feedback, and for being the Shannon for my Cannon. Xox

  Kymmie—Again, thank you for being th
e voice of reason to my brand of crazy. For talking every bit of this book over with me, for helping me to get out of my head, and most of all, for pushing me to run with this idea when I shared it with you. Xox

  Amanda—Lobby, thank you for taking the time out from being a new mom and giving me your feedback and for loving both Trin and Hendrix so easily. I always love hearing your thoughts.

  Mom—I love you, I couldn’t do this without you. Thank you for being my biggest supporter, for always being willing to help, for being willing to talk it all over with me when I get stuck, and for reading each story a million times. I’m so lucky to have such an amazing woman to call my mom. Xox

  Dad—Thank you for always being so proud of your daughter who writes “smut”. I’m lucky you’re so open minded, and thank you for sharing my stuff on your Facebook.

  River, Alissa and Cassia—Thank you ladies for being the amazing friends you are. For making me laugh, helping me when I’m stuck, and for being so supportive. I couldn’t imagine not talking to you whores everyday! xo

  Jen (ESM)—Here we sit editing book #5, and I can’t believe we did it! Thank you for working on this specific book on with me, for questioning my research, and forcing me to double-check that I knew what the hell I was talking about, for making my words better and always pushing and challenging me to add that little something more. And for allowing SOME things to get past you and your Panda. I loved this crazy ride with you!! Xox

  Doris—As always, thank you for reading over my words and picking up those pesky things I tend to miss. Xox

  Deanna—Thank you for reading early on and always giving me good advice.

  Freya—Thank you for giving me the feedback you did for Tainted by Love. Your help, guidance and opinions made my story better. For that I’m grateful. You’re wonderful.