Does She Love You?

by Rachel Spangler

  “I know you have it in you to rise to this challenge.”

  “Thank you, sir,” she said, only because it seemed socially appropriate. She didn’t care about his faith in her, and she sure didn’t feel challenged. She worked hard almost every night to manufacture a sense of urgency with the women she went to bed with. They held the key to her release, to her escape. Joe Clarke held none of those things. No one had legitimately challenged her or stirred any passion in her to succeed since Davis. She’d lost her foundation and her impetus for growth months ago, and this old man wouldn’t return either of them. He could offer more meaningless drivel, more stress, more judgment, and for what?

  A chance to sell commercials?

  She didn’t even like commercials.

  All they were good for was interrupting her baseball games. She used to take pride when a spot she’d sold came on TV. Now they annoyed her. Sure, she experienced a momentary feeling of satisfaction when she inked a deal, but that kind of winning took a lot of work for a little reward. At least with sex the work was pleasurable and the reward personal, if short-lived.

  “I’ll see you in thirty days, Nic. Good luck to you.”

  Oh, was he still there? She’d already moved on mentally. Several months ago, in fact. She had nothing left to say, so she simply nodded.

  Eventually she’d have to find a way to either keep her job or get a new one, but right now she could think only about how little she wanted to do either of those things. She had thirty days to figure out her next step, but the only unknown she could manage to worry about even a little was getting laid again.

  *

  “Hey, you.” Davis answered her phone immediately after the caller ID showed Cass’s number.

  “Hey, you? Seriously, I haven’t heard from you in weeks, and I get a ‘Hey, you’?”

  “Um, sorry?”

  “How about, ‘Cass, darling, I’m so sorry I’ve been away from you. I’d offer an excuse, but I don’t have one. I’m a terrible friend who makes you spend all your nights alone.’”

  “Alone? Really? Have you spent all your nights alone?”

  “Well, not completely alone, but you know it’s not the same without you.”

  She smiled. Cass must really miss her. Maybe she was a terrible friend. Ever since she and Anna had begun spending more time together, she hadn’t seen much of Cass. “You’re right. We need to get together.”

  “That was too easy. What’s the catch? Do you need help cleaning or moving something heavy?”

  Davis laughed. She’d been doing a little more of that lately, too. “No, you’re right. I miss you, and for what it’s worth I haven’t been in my cave as much lately. I’m actually outside right now. You should try it sometime.” She sat down on a bench to soak up the autumn sun and cool breeze while they talked.

  “Let’s not get crazy. I never said anything about the out-of-doors. I was thinking dinner and drinks, or maybe drinks and dinner. You choose.”

  “Wow.” Davis laughed. “So many options. Are you sure you really want to leave a decision of that magnitude up to me?”

  “Seriously? First you agree to go out with me, and now you sass me? Where are you? I’ll pick you up right now.”

  “I can’t right now. I’m on the way to the school for a meeting.”

  “The school?” Cass’s tone turned suspicious. “Would this happen to be the school where your ex-paramour’s ex-wife works?”

  She winced. “Why do you keep doing that? Call her Annabelle, or Anna. She’s got an identity outside of what Nic did to her, and frankly, so do I.”

  “Do you?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Damn, her good mood slipped away.

  “You seem to spend a lot of time wallowing in your incestuous little pity party with her. When are you going to break the cycle and let some fresh air in?”

  “Incestuous?” The word hurt to repeat. “That’s unreasonably harsh, even for you.”

  “Is it? If you were Kevin Bacon, this would be the easiest game ever. You both slept with, and were devastated by, the same woman. Now you spend all your free time sitting around morbidly gabbing about how it hurts.”

  Davis sighed. Maybe it’d felt that way at first, but somewhere along the way they’d transitioned from trying to undo Nic’s damage to building something better, some kind of friendship of their own. Of course sometimes when she looked at Anna she remembered Nic, but those times were fewer and further between. “I know, on the surface, it probably doesn’t seem like the healthiest friendship, and I’d be lying if I said Nic never came up. We don’t dance around the subject, but we don’t dwell on it either.”

  “Sure, you don’t always talk about Nic. Maybe sometimes you talk about how lonely you are, or how you don’t trust anyone, or perhaps you reminisce about your pinkie swear pledge never to date again.”

  “Well, yes, of course we had to pinkie swear and spit on each other’s shoes before she’d let me braid her hair. What the hell, Cass?”

  “How am I supposed to know? You’re with her all the time, and I can’t see a single thing you have in common with a suburban, Southern-belle housewife, except you both got screwed by the same jerk.”

  “We aren’t together all the time. We see each other once or twice a week.” Come to think of it, she wasn’t completely sure how that’d happened either. At first, it had been about work, then food, and proving to both of them that there was more to life than Nic, but some time during the last two months, they’d stopped making excuses to see each other. More often than not Davis would pick up the phone or drop by Anna’s house simply because she wanted to. It really wasn’t different than the evolution of any other friendship, except for the events that had initiated it.

  “Second, she’s not a housewife anymore.” Davis continued to defend both Anna and the connection they shared. “She’s a single woman trying to learn how to thrive on her own, and she’s doing a damn good job, which is what we have in common.”

  “Great, you’re both Mary Tyler Moore. Do you meet on the street corner and toss your hats up in the air?”

  “Sometimes.” She chuckled at that image. “Mostly we order ethnic food and go for walks around different parts of the city. We’ve been to some outdoor concerts and the farmers’ market. I helped her pick out a bike, she taught me how to fry chicken, and don’t act like you’ve never been invited along.”

  “I know you’ve tried to drag me on all your little hipster adventures—wait a second, did you say you can fry chicken?”

  Davis laughed outright. She should’ve known the way to get to Cass was through her stomach. “Well, in theory I know how, but it’s a lot of work and even more time. I don’t know how Anna does all her cooking. She leaves for work before seven in the morning, comes home at five, and still makes a full dinner every night. Never anything from a box or a tray.”

  “Uh-huh. What else does she do?”

  “She reads, like, everything, and plays tennis. She’s got a competitive streak that’s really kind of shocking. I think that’s why she’s doing so well. She refuses to surrender. I see how scared she gets, and it’s not like she doesn’t have resources to fall back on, but she’s determined to take care of herself.”

  “Sounds like someone else I know,” Cass said softly.

  Davis warmed to the compliment. “Yeah, sometimes. But she’s not really like me in any other ways. She sees good in people, despite Nic’s betrayal. She carries extra change to give to homeless people at the bus station. And she sees every new experience with such excitement. No matter how sarcastic I get, she never snaps back. She’s got a quiet way of disarming any situation.”

  “So now you’re in love with her?”

  “What?” The words hit her like an unexpected slap, catching her so off guard that she dropped her phone. It clattered to the sidewalk, bouncing once with a sickening scrape of plastic against concrete. “Shit, shit, shit.”

  “Hello? What happened? Did you faint?” Cass’s
voice called out as Davis wiped the screen, trying to determine if it was scratched or simply dirty.

  “No, I didn’t faint. The phone just slipped.”

  “Convenient.”

  “No, inconvenient. I think I dented the touch screen.”

  “Which allowed you to dodge my question.” Cass wouldn’t let go.

  “There’s nothing to dodge. I am not in love with Anna.” The very idea was absurd, so absurd it sent her heartbeat skipping around her chest.

  “Good, ’cause you know that’s unhealthy, right?”

  “Yes.” She answered with a certainty she didn’t feel. Of course if a friend or acquaintance had asked if she should fall in love with her ex-girlfriend’s ex-wife, she would’ve said no. Their combined baggage would likely be enough to suffocate any new relationship. Still, two months ago she would’ve said the same thing about forging a friendship under the same circumstances, and yet they’d done so successfully.

  “Do you think maybe it’s time to go out with someone else?” Cass asked.

  “Sure.” Davis agreed, ready to change the subject. “I’d love to go to dinner with you. How about tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow’s fine, but I meant actually go out with someone else, as in a date.”

  “Come on, Cass, why does it always have to come back to that?” Wasn’t it enough to be happy with single life? Okay, maybe she wasn’t deliriously happy, but she wasn’t unhappy.

  “You said yourself, you’re a young single woman, trying to thrive in Hotlanta, and if you’re not in love with Annabelle…”

  “The logical end to the sentence isn’t ‘so you should screw anything that moves.’”

  “I said nothing about screwing. I said date, though, really, without the screwing, what’s the point?”

  Davis sighed. “I’m not interested in either, and that has nothing to do with falling for Anna. For me to date or even sleep with someone casually, I’d have to trust her and my own judgment. I’m not there yet, and for what it’s worth, neither is Anna. It’s been less than six months. We’ve both got a lot of growing to do, but for the first time I feel like I might be able to do it.”

  “I know you can do it.”

  “Thanks, Cass. You’ve had faith in me all along.” She hoped her voice conveyed the sincerity of her gratitude. “But it’s only been in the past few weeks that I’ve let go of some anger and started to enjoy my life a little.”

  “Because of her?”

  “She’s been a huge part of it, but that doesn’t mean I’m in love with her. If anything, it’s the biggest reason why I can’t fall in love with her. I need this friendship, and so does she. I won’t do anything to mess things up.”

  “Fine.” Cass sighed dramatically. “I have to admit you’re making progress, even if it’s not as quick or as slutty as I’d like.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Cass brushed off the sentimentality. “Dinner at Six Feet Under tomorrow?”

  “See you then.”

  She hung up her now-dented cell phone. She did love Cass and needed to show that more, but she wouldn’t doubt the newfound friendship she shared with Anna. Their connection might be unconventional, but it was genuine and meaningful, and most importantly, it helped her put her life back together. She couldn’t let go of something valuable just because someone else didn’t understand how it worked. Equally important, though, she couldn’t let anyone, herself included, confuse friendship with something more complicated and a lot scarier.

  *

  Annabelle hugged her last student good-bye for the day, then stood in the doorway of her classroom to make sure he actually met his mom in the lobby. She was tired. How could she not be after six hours with sixteen six-year-olds, but a part of her still hated to see them go. For every ounce of energy their supervision took out of her, they gave it right back with their enthusiasm and joy.

  “Hey, Annabelle,” a voice called from the principal’s office. “You coming to the meeting with Davis?”

  “Sure, I’ll be right there.”

  Ever since she’d helped pick the brochure photos, Ailene had included her in meetings and decisions regarding promotions for the school. Actually, she included her in a lot of things, from early morning coffee chats to strategic-planning sessions with other teachers. She’d even invited Annabelle to have dinner with her husband and children at their home on occasion. Ailene had helped make the transition back to teaching smoother than she’d anticipated, and she loved their free-and-easy exchange of ideas. It had been a long time since her opinions had mattered this much.

  Nic might have listened to her or made her feel valued, but she’d put her on a pedestal to be cherished. Here her thoughts and ideas got put into action, and she saw the results every single day.

  She missed the overall satisfaction of keeping a home and caring for a partner, but she didn’t miss the day-to-day life of a housewife. She didn’t miss her tedious committee meetings or empty social obligations. She certainly didn’t miss their big cookie-cutter house or country club. She actually preferred sandwiches in the teachers’ lounge to the five-star restaurants she used to frequent, and the company at work was better as well. Annabelle admired her colleagues’ dedication and passion. She especially looked up to Ailene, who had shown her that she could have a family, and a home, and a meaningful job.

  She’d given up so many of her own dreams to chase Nic’s ideal life. Maybe that wasn’t fair. She’d thought they were also working toward her dream of a family, but why had she felt she’d had to choose one over the other? Every now and then she caught herself thinking about how she’d do things differently the next time around, but she always suffered a wave of sadness at the realization that there might never be a next time for her, at least not in the way she’d hoped.

  When she started to dwell on what she might never have, she forced herself back into the here and now. She had a good job, colleagues who valued her input, and a meeting with a friend. She hurried to the main office, leaving thoughts of “what might have been” behind.

  “Hey, there.” Ailene greeted her warmly. “You survived another week. Only one more to go until Thanksgiving break.”

  She forced a smile. All the other teachers were counting down to the holiday, but she didn’t look forward to the time off. She did best when she could focus on work. The weekends with their freedom and time to kill were harder to compartmentalize. A five-day weekend would be challenging enough without adding the emotional baggage of her first holiday in thirteen years without Nic by her side.

  “We’re going to the in-laws,” Ailene said. “Or I’d schedule a teacher in-service workshop day, because Lord knows I am not going to try to cook a full-scale meal like that.”

  “I know you’d do fine if you had to,” Annabelle answered halfheartedly.

  “You know no such thing. You strike me as the kind of person who knows how to bake a turkey, though.”

  “I can, yes, but I don’t have to. My mama cooks the turkey in our family. I’m in charge of side dishes while my younger sister is relegated to setting the table.”

  “Really? Will you spend the whole week with them?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Ailene arched an eyebrow, which was about as close as she ever came to prying into Annabelle’s personal life. For as close as they had become professionally, she still knew nothing about what had happened with Nic, or that she even existed, and Annabelle loved that. Ailene never asked about her past or even her present love life, thus providing her with the only relationship that wasn’t tainted by Nic’s memory. Annabelle cherished having a portion of her life where Nic and her betrayal were irrelevant. At school she was insulated from the memories that haunted her when she was alone. She could almost make believe that had all happened in a different life, if not for little things like not sharing everyone’s excitement about the holiday break.

  A knock on the open door interrupted her thoughts just before Davis stepped into view
. She wore low-slung jeans and a square-cut denim jacket over a black T-shirt with the only shock of color coming from the copper of her hair. The look was chic and sexy to the point it might’ve been intimidating if not for the sweet smile she gave her. “Hey, Anna.”

  Her mood lightened immediately at the sound of Davis saying her name. Her new name. Davis was really the only one who called her Anna, though some of the other teachers were starting to pick up on it. The name served as a strong reminder she wasn’t the woman she used to be, the woman who’d put everyone else before herself, the woman who’d let herself be lied to and cheated on. Anna had a job and outside interests. She ate Thai food and took the bus to Whole Foods. She rode a bike to art fairs and sat in on meetings with graphic designers. And she had Davis to thank for much of her transition.

  She watched Davis present her new designs to Ailene. She was so cool and confident, with such a beautiful eye for detail. She had beautiful eyes, period, but Anna enjoyed it most when Davis looked at a piece of art or one of her own layouts. There was an intensity there, a determination, and a passion that made her whole body come alive.

  “Do you agree?” Ailene asked, glancing up from the T-shirts Davis spread out on the table between them.

  “I’m sorry, what?” She blushed at the realization she’d been so distracted by Davis she’d missed their conversation.

  Davis’s forehead creased in concern, but she said nothing. These momentary lapses were something they’d dealt with a lot early on, and they always called each other on them, consistent with their promise to always be honest and up-front, but that was harder to do with other people around. Davis probably thought she’d sparked a memory or unpleasant thought, when in reality the opposite was true.

  “Ailene liked them both and thought we might do some in the lighter color with the darker logo for summer, and the darker color with light lettering for winter sessions.”

  “Then I do agree.” Anna smiled and let her hand rest lightly on Davis’s to indicate she wasn’t upset. On the contrary, she was happy to see her. She wasn’t sure when that’d happened either. When had Davis’s presence gone from being a cause for heartache to being a catalyst for joy? “I like the way you didn’t just enlarge the logo from the children’s shirts as they get bigger, but also adjusted the details, so it grows along with the kids.”