Does She Love You?

by Rachel Spangler

  “It’s not out of nowhere. I actually thought about that earlier. With all the things we’ve tried together since you got to the city, I could start to feel a little superior about being the one to help you see what you’d been missing, but you’ve made me see I’ve missed things, too.”

  “And you miss kids?”

  “Yeah, maybe.” Davis chewed a piece of okra and mulled over her words. “I mean, I have two nieces and a nephew I don’t really know. When I hear you talk about yours and see the kids in your classroom making turkey handprints, I wonder if my sister’s kids would like that. But then I think that’s silly because I won’t see them until Christmas, and I’m supposed to be happy about that, but I’m also kind of jealous of your attempts to have it all.” She was blabbering now, as if simply opening the door to those emotions had let them all come rushing out at once. Had she really kept herself from experiencing things she wanted all in the name of her cynicism?

  “But I’m not going to have it all on one day,” Anna said, picking at her food. “I’ve chosen to go with my family, you’ve chosen to stay in the city, and we both still only get to celebrate one part of ourselves. Unless…”

  “Yes?” Her heart beat a little faster at the way the corners of Anna’s mouth quirked up like she’d just had a mischievous thought.

  “What if we didn’t choose one over the other?

  “Can we do that?”

  “Why not? We’re both tired of living halfway.”

  Davis’s hope rose, but cynicism didn’t let go easily. “There are some physical challenges to being two places at once.”

  Anna rolled her eyes playfully. “We could go visit our parents the night before Thanksgiving, spend time with the family, have the big sit-down meal in the afternoon, then head back to the city for an evening filled with junk food and trashy movies.”

  Her first instinct was to say no. A whole night with her family? It couldn’t work. It’d be awkward. What would they talk about? Could she suddenly decide to have a relationship with her siblings’ children?

  Davis laughed.

  “What? I thought it was a good idea.”

  “It is. It’s a great idea, but all I could think of was the reasons it wouldn’t work, until I realized the loop in my head sounded just like my mother listing all the reasons she couldn’t go to Paris.” She shook her head, not sure if she should be terrified at the realization or thrilled she’d been able to stop it. “I think I’ve gotten fixated on what I didn’t want, that ‘no’ became my default response to everything.”

  “I never made a decision for myself,” Anna mused, “and every decision you make is a ‘no.’”

  “Which is kind of like never making a real decision. We make quite a couple.”

  Anna tilted her head to the side and regarded her seriously. Had she gone too far? Davis hadn’t meant to refer to them as a couple, but thankfully Anna seemed more pensive than offended. “I’ve started making my own decisions now. I’ve decided to learn to tell the difference between what I really want and what’s old baggage.”

  “Do you think I can do that, too?”

  Anna smiled in an adoring way that made Davis’s chest swell. “I don’t know. Do you want to say yes?”

  “To you?” Davis asked.

  “To yourself.”

  She smiled right back. “Yes.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Hey, sweetie, how you holding up?” Liz said, bringing another stack of dishes into the kitchen.

  Annabelle hated her sister’s tone, the one that said everyone expected today to be hard on her. Her whole family had used that tone on her at least once over the last twenty-four hours, and each time she hated it more. She hated being an object of concern or pity. She hated them spending their holiday thinking about her pain. She hated being expected to break down. Mostly, though, she hated them being right. Everything about this day had hurt, which also meant she’d started to hate herself for missing Nic.

  She didn’t actually miss Nic, the person she no longer trusted, so much as she missed the way things used to be. She missed having someone’s hand to hold under the table. She missed making eye contact across the room and smiling. She missed stealing little kisses when no one was looking. Most of all, she missed reliving those moments in her mind. Holidays were a time for reflection, to mark the progression of time and think about things to come. While she tried to remember all her accomplishments, she couldn’t help but examine memories from years past. Had Nic reached for her hand, or had it been the other way around? And were her kisses real or a decoy? Did Nic love someone else then, too? And when they’d gone to bed at night, had Nic wanted to hold her, or was she biding her time until she could get away?

  “Honey? Are you all right?” Liz asked again.

  “Yes.” She shook her head. How long had she zoned out for? No wonder her whole family worried. “I’m fine. I mean, I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

  Liz eyed her sympathetically. “I hate her all over again for ruining your holiday.”

  “She’s ruined more than just one of them. All the holidays we ever spent together are tarnished now, and it makes me so angry.”

  “Good. Anger’s good. Anger’s productive.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t like the person I am when I get mad. I actually find myself wishing she’d died.”

  “I’m sure Daddy could arrange that.”

  “No, I don’t mean I want someone to kill her. I just mean that if she’d died, I would’ve gotten to keep all our memories. I could’ve grieved her in peace without ever doubting how much she loved me.”

  Liz opened her arms and pulled her into a hug. “I wish I could undo everything.”

  “I don’t even know what I wish,” she said, her voice muffled against her sister’s shoulder. “I used to wish I could go back and somehow unknow the things I learned about her. Now I don’t want to live that way. It might’ve been easier, but not better. I like my life now. My home, my job, my new friends are all better than my old ones. I don’t even miss her per se. But I miss being sure of things, knowing what I wanted. I miss being happy without feeling guilty or suspicious.”

  “I know it doesn’t help to hear, but it will get easier.”

  “I believe you. In some ways it already has. Like I said, I don’t want to go back. I’m done wishing she was still here.” She didn’t add that the only person she’d really wished she had beside her when she sat down to dinner earlier was Davis.

  She wanted to tell Liz about her strengthening connection to Davis to prove she wasn’t completely fixated on Nic anymore, but Liz wasn’t thrilled about the friendship, and she’d said so on her last few visits to Atlanta. She didn’t have anything against Davis personally. She hadn’t taken time to get to know her, and she didn’t want to. But she still saw Davis only as the other woman and worried she’d keep Annabelle from moving forward.

  Annabelle couldn’t argue with her underlying logic. If she could see Davis only as Nic’s mistress, she wouldn’t be able to get around the dysfunctional aspects of their friendship, but then again, if that’s all Davis was, they wouldn’t have built a friendship in the first place. She could’ve never opened up to her or trusted her if she was only the other woman. Instead, she’d become a confidante, a shopping buddy, a colleague, and an inspiration for personal growth. Davis was self-sufficient, smart, resourceful, and approached every challenge head-on. She had a wicked wit and didn’t roll over for anyone. She could be so tenacious, but she never failed to listen to Annabelle’s thoughts or opinions, even when they conflicted with her own. The thing she admired most about Davis was how she made Annabelle feel like she could be all those things, too.

  “Are you sure you won’t stay tonight?” Liz asked.

  “I’m sure.” She took in a deep breath, inhaling the scent of her sister’s perfume and the smell of her mother’s kitchen. This house had been home for so long, but the familiar connections didn’t satisfy her the way they had in the p
ast. The more she thought about all the things she’d shared with Davis, the less she wanted to remain surrounded by broken memories. She wanted to make new ones with the only person she could be truly open and honest with right now.

  “I hate to think of you running back to that empty apartment.”

  “I actually have plans with friends.”

  “Really?” Liz seemed skeptical, but Anna didn’t intend to give any details. She loved her family, but she couldn’t explain her feelings to them yet. She couldn’t even explain them to herself. She didn’t want to arouse their concern, any more than she wanted to analyze her rush of emotions at the thought of driving back to the city. Most of all, she didn’t want to postpone her evening with Davis any longer.

  *

  “I’m going to put the movie in,” Cass said impatiently.

  “I just got a text from Anna. She’ll be here in fifteen minutes.”

  “Seriously? You made me wait all damn day for you to get home, and now I have to wait for her, too?” Cass was as close to whining as Davis had ever heard her.

  “I was home at three o’clock. That’s only a little bit later than we usually start.”

  “I still don’t see why we had to rearrange the schedule at all. You’ve never gone to your parents’ house before.”

  She didn’t want to admit that Anna had sparked her transition. “It was just a little experiment.”

  “Like a science project?”

  “More like a sociology project. I wanted to see if my own biases skewed my earlier interactions with the foreign species known as suburbanites.”

  Cass regarded her suspiciously. She knew her too well to dismiss a voluntary interaction with her family as the result of mere curiosity. “And what did you find?”

  “The food is still pretty bland, and I still don’t get the obsession with lawn care.”

  “Why does it sound like there’s a ‘but’ coming here?”

  Davis turned to her cabinets and pretended to rifle around for the microwave popcorn that was right in front of her. She didn’t want Cass to see her smile for fear it would give too much away. “They love each other, and they trust each other, and there’s something refreshing about that.”

  “Refreshing,” Cass repeated, but didn’t elaborate or question further.

  Maybe refreshing wasn’t the right word, but when she’d looked closer at her parents, they hadn’t seemed unhappy or even bored. Her mother did kind of wait on her father, always filling his glass before it was empty and bringing him his reading glasses without being asked, but Davis now saw how little of that came from obligation and how many of her gestures were borne out of love. He, too, seemed to enjoy his role, proudly pointing out the new remote starter he’d gotten for her car so she wouldn’t have to go outside to turn on the heat in the mornings, even though it didn’t get that cold in central Georgia. The petty things would’ve annoyed her in the past, but now for some reason she saw they stemmed from love.

  Her siblings, too, moved easily, comfortably around each other. She found herself almost envious at times. They didn’t watch what they said around each other and instead joked and teased constantly. They didn’t keep to their personal space, either. Her brother had yanked playfully on her sister’s ponytail, and she had poked him in the side with her fork. They still behaved in the carefree manner of childhood around each other. She used to think they’d failed to grow up, but now she saw their simple camaraderie as a sign of how safe they felt together.

  “So is this little experiment over now?” She finally turned around to see Cass standing a few feet behind her with her arms folded across her chest. Even dressed down, she was imposing. It didn’t help that even her sweat suit was Tommy Hilfiger. Most telling, though, was the way her eyes scanned Davis’s face, clearly trying to discern what she wasn’t saying.

  “I’m not going back until Christmas,” she said, then sheepishly added, “but my mom and sister are bringing my nieces up in a couple weeks for me to take them Christmas shopping.”

  Cass’s eyes went from being narrowed in suspicion to wide in surprise. “All right, who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

  She laughed nervously and put the popcorn in the microwave. “They just wanted to have a girls’ day.”

  “And what about you? Do you want to join them?”

  She didn’t particularly love the idea of going to a mall, but she did want to be part of their outing. She wanted to share in their connections. She wanted to know what it felt like to accept something simply for what it was instead of what she thought it should be. “I wanted to be invited. I can’t explain why it mattered, but it did, and when they did invite me, I just said yes.”

  “You just said yes.” Cass parroted the words back to her, likely in an attempt to make it clear how odd they sounded, especially coming from her.

  “It’s something new I’m trying.”

  “Another experiment?”

  “Maybe,” Davis said, trying to dodge further introspection.

  “Am I correct in assuming these new projects of yours stem from the influence of the lovely and talented Annabelle?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Why are you lying to me?” Cass sounded more hurt than angry. “You do know what I mean, and I’m sure this was her idea. You’ve never had the slightest interest in hanging out with your nieces until now.”

  “I have, actually. I like kids. I’ve just never known how to reconcile them with my hipster city-girl side.”

  “And now suddenly Anna shows up and you’re a Renaissance woman?”

  “Is that so wrong?”

  “No, of course not. I just worry about you getting hurt again. I wish we could go back to the way things were before Nic showed up.”

  “Here’s a news flash for both of us. I was hurt then, too,” she snapped, then softened. “Even before Nic came along, I’d been cheated and lied to and made a fool of so many times, I’d shut down. I’d stopped putting myself in a position to feel the distrust and the disappointment until Nic cracked through my defenses. I pretended to go slow and keep it casual, but I didn’t because I didn’t really want to.”

  “I tried to tell you.” Cass’s tone held no satisfaction.

  “I know, and I appreciate it. It’s my fault. I missed the warning signs. I got hurt.”

  “You’ve got to learn to keep your heart out of things.”

  “I tried to ignore my heart in a relationship, and I can’t. I’ve tried to shut everyone else out completely, but honestly that doesn’t feel much better.”

  “So we’re back to Annabelle.”

  The buzzer on the microwave saved Davis from having to answer, but she considered the question while she filled two popcorn bowls and carried them to the couch. Maybe she did keep coming back to Anna. She seemed to be the only one who understood her. She never had to be anyone other than herself around her, whether she was sad or angry or silly or joyful about something totally unusual for her, like a kid. She loved and trusted Cass, but her connection with Anna held something more, something she couldn’t explain yet, and that worried her.

  Had she felt the same way about Nic?

  Had she kept Cass out of their relationship for the same reasons?

  Did she worry Cass wouldn’t understand or that she’d see the situation more clearly than she did? Ultimately Cass had been right about Nic, and Davis had simply been unwilling to hear it. She couldn’t bring herself to doubt anything about Anna, but could she put the same faith in her own judgment? She searched her memory for something, anything to suggest she should be suspicious of their newfound friendship.

  “Are we going to start the movie or keep arguing?” Cass asked as she took her seat on the couch. “Really, the choice is yours, darling, but I’d rather watch the movie.”

  “Why don’t you like her?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “What don’t you like about Anna?” Davis had to hear the answer even if it hu
rt her.

  Cass rolled her eyes. “Okay, I’ll take that as ‘no’ to the movie, then.”

  “I’m serious. I need you to tell me the truth because I can’t see anything to dislike, and it scares me that you do.”

  “Oh, Davis, I don’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner about Nic. Really, I feel so guilty, and you know I don’t do guilt.”

  “Nic doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t have listened if you’d tried, but I don’t want to repeat my mistake, so I’m listening now. Tell me what bothers you about Anna.”

  “Nothing.”

  “Come on, you’ve never liked me being around her.”

  “I’m serious. There’s nothing wrong with Annabelle. I like her a lot. I told you as much the first time I met her. She’s like a reverse M&M, all sweet and smooth on the outside with a tough shell inside. She’s graceful and strong, and she’s got a determination that impresses me.”

  “So what then? You think she’s too good to be real?” Davis needed the other shoe to drop, and fast. To hear calm, objective Cass list all Anna’s good qualities only made her feel more drawn to the woman she was supposedly warning her away from.

  “No, she’s almost absurdly genuine, and while she’s entirely too Stepford for my tastes, if you’d met under other circumstances, I would’ve immediately pegged her as the perfect match for you.”

  Her heart pounded. Every one of Cass’s statements affirmed the subtle stirring of hope she’d tried to tamp down for weeks. Could Anna be happily-ever-after material? Did she even believe in it anymore? “You really think so?”

  “Damn it, the glassy look in your eyes tells me you only heard the last part of what I said.” She snapped her fingers in front of Davis’s eyes. “I said ‘if you’d met under other circumstances,’ but you met under the most fucked-up conditions possible. You can’t escape the fact that you’re the other woman. No matter how many memories you build, no matter how much joy you find together, your relationship will always be founded on mutual pain.”