The Ondine Collection

by Ebony McKenna

  [94] Bellreeve has had several name changes over the generations. At various points it has been known as Trelteman, St Basil and Glückentenk.

  [95] In some countries people might say, “the penny dropped”, which means somebody has finally figured something out. In Brugel, the popular expression is “the twig snapped”, a reference to the sound and effort of someone having to think really hard to arrive at the answer. Next time you ask your parents a really difficult question, like “Why do I have to go to school?” or “Where do babies really come from?” listen carefully. Hear that clicking, snapping sound? It’s their brains hard at work.

  [96] When Old Col was young, Hamish had embarrassed her terribly in front of high society at a debutante ball, so she had turned him into a ferret. Her spell included the words, “You can stay like that for all I care,” which explains why she is now old and wrinkly, but Hamish isn’t.

  [97] “Seneschal” is a fancy name for “housemaster”, which is a very important job. The seneschal answers directly to the Duke and therefore wields enormous influence over the rest of the staff. Pick a fight with the seneschal and you’d better start looking for a new job.

  [98] Which was remarkably similar to her old job. You may have noticed it was a Sunday afternoon and there were people working. Just like hotels, weekends are the busiest times at the palechia, so laundry workers take their weekends on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

  Ondine’s timetable looked like this:

  Monday School & Laundry

  Tuesday School

  Wednesday School

  Thursday School & Laundry

  Friday School & Laundry

  Saturday Laundry

  Sunday Laundry

  [99] This kind of thinking began after the Soviet days, during the time of new freedoms and transparency, when “everything not expressly forbidden is permitted”. A marked change from the gruelling days of “anything not expressly permitted is forbidden”.

  [100] Jacques Delille, 1738–1813. He had loads of friends in high places, but his own father refused to acknowledge him.

  [101] Or watching every episode of Lie to Me and applying it to your real life.

  [102] With a slice of lemon is how Bruglers traditionally take their tea. In some cultures the expression is “with a pinch of salt”. This makes no sense at all because tea with salt tastes awful!

  [103] Invented by those gourmets the French. An aperitif is a pre-dinner alcoholic drink, designed to get the appetite going.

  [104] Studies the world over find that red and yellow increase the appetite, while blue and green can aid the subconscious to eat less. But don’t go over the top and paint your kitchen green and blue, or you’ll make people feel queasy.

  [105] Zucchini are called Courgettes, if you’re to the west of Italy.

  [106] At the risk of turning this into a manual on Brugel’s unusual grammar, “fenudging” is a common adverb describing the flickety fidgety movements of people who otherwise ought to be sitting still.

  [107] Quite frankly he deserved a medal. Next time you do something mild, like stub your toe or get a paper cut, see if you can remain completely silent.

  [108] Biscuit’s real title is Cardrona King Ivanovich, five times Best Breed, twice Best in Show, Venzelemma Ducal Dog Show.

  [109] He snarled too, but the Brugelish spelling of dog snarls is too complicated to print here.

  [110] As this is the first time anyone had ever heard teeth falling onto the floor, a new word had to be invented for it.

  [111] Rabies is a particularly nasty virus transmitted via the saliva in bites from infected animals. The virus attacks the victim’s central nervous system and sends them completely mad. In later stages of infection, the victim foams at the mouth as their body produces copious amounts of saliva. If not treated quickly, it is almost always fatal.

  In an attempt to placate nervous tourists, Brugel declared itself rabies free in 2005. However, neighbouring countries Slaegal and Craviç make no such claims. As everyone knows, wild dogs and bats (which are the main carriers) cannot read Brugelish, and frequently walk or fly straight past the signposts advising them to keep out.

  [112] Bet you wish you’d read the first book now, eh?

  [113] The capital of Slaegal is called Norange. It’s the only known word that rhymes with orange. Some people dispute this and say “strange” is close enough, and, indeed, it is a strange place.

  [114] From former US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld: “There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.” Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing. Mr Rumsfeld forgot to add that there are “unknown knowns”. These are things that you do know, but have forgotten.

  [115] In Brugel, it is mandatory for all children to attend school until the age of sixteen. You can stay on longer, of course, and many people do. It’s common to find senior-school students in their twenties. The rise in mature students became so alarming in the 1990s the education department had to allocate designated campuses for twenty-somethings. It also created the uniquely puzzling situation of some students being older than their teachers.

  [116] In some European countries, it is correct to address an infanta as “Your Highness”, but only if she is the daughter of the ruling king or queen. As Brugel is ruled by Duke Pavla, and the Infanta is Duke Pavla’s older sister, this is not the case. Brugel tradition requires her to be addressed as “My Lordship”, even though she is a woman. Thereafter she is referred to as “ma’am”. By calling her “Your Highness”, Ondine had promoted the Infanta to a station above the Duke, and the Infanta had no intention of correcting her.

  [117] “To queef” is to mentally have a little puke, without producing anything. You might also press your lips tightly together and blow your cheeks out like a bubble-headed goldfish.

  [118] This happened in Ondine’s previous adventure, and, luckily for her family, Hamish gave everyone ample warning that the health inspector was on his way.

  [119] Brugel had not yet turned the clocks back and was still in Summer Time. In spring, Bruglers turn their clocks forward two hours on the first Sunday in April, then have the Monday and Tuesday as public holidays, to help them get over the shock. In the autumn, they wind the clocks back one hour on the first Sunday of October, and another hour on the first Sunday of November, so they get two sleep-ins.

  [120] Quickly discuss things, so that everyone knows what everyone else is up to. But not talk for so long that people get bored and fidgety.

  [121] A scimitar is a nifty and terribly dangerous curved sword from the mystical east.

  [122] Over the centuries Brugel has had several national anthems. During Soviet occupation they sang (through gritted teeth) Sing to the Motherland, Home of the Free. These days people sing Oh, Brugel, My Heart with gusto and pride. Except at the Olympics, because they have yet to win a gold medal in any event. They do have a chance if lift jumping ever becomes a recognised sport. Lift jumping involves cramming people into a lift. Everyone jumps just as the lift moves up or down. Last person standing wins.

  [123] A great many national anthems contain confusingly “poetic” phrases that make little sense to the modern citizen. As Brugel is almost land-locked, it has at least been spared the ridiculous lyric “girt by sea”.

  [124] The way Brugel celebrates Halloween is different to the rest of the world. There is no “trick or treat, give me lollies” palaver, and there are no pumpkins – because Brugel’s Halloween pre-dates the arrival of pumpkins from the Americas by several hundred years.

  Bruglers hang wreaths of wheat in their windows and place apples on the sills for good luck. They eat copious amounts of turnips and cabbage, (fried, in soups, roasted, etc.) then venture outside in the full moon and gather around the village square for Bonfire Night. Bruglers write down their bad habits or regrets on n
otes, and cast them into the fire, as a way of saying goodbye to the past and cleansing their futures.

  It’s considered tremendous bad luck to remain inside on Bonfire Night. Because of the mountain of turnip and cabbage consumed, and the lower-body explosions that ensue, staying outside is not just tradition, it’s vital for good health.

  [125] The Brugelish word for cabbage is slang for “fart”.

  [126] Ondine is not wrong per se, but the general area Brugel occupies on the map of Europe has been around in some form for centuries. The specific date to which Ondine refers is the signing of the Treaty of Venzelemma, the site of Brugel’s capital city.

  [127] Just about every culture has a backstory involving a flood. Floods are handy devices. You can pretty much make up any story of life “before the flood” because there’s very little evidence around to prove you wrong. Geologists, palaeontologists and archaeologists would disagree, but that’s their job.

  [128] You could argue that a sample size of two women versus two hundred men is hardly a comparison at all, and leaves a very wide margin for error. The current Duke of Brugel would argue that this interpretation of history is completely sound, and that having a Duchess at the helm is proven bad luck for Brugel.

  [129] Swimming is not a major sport in Brugel, so most women maintain the narrow shoulders they were born with. In “big swimming” countries like Australia you can spot the serious swimmers, they’re the ones who have to turn sideways to fit through doorways. One Olympic champion’s shoulders were so wide she became stuck inside a marquee tent on her wedding day.

  [130] Don’t even think of googling this or there’ll be a SWAT team at your door faster than you can say, “I need a lawyer.”

  [131] A Brugeloak tree is quite remarkable. It matures in six years, producing large edible white berries that taste like a cross between apples and peaches. The large seeds inside taste like hazelnuts and can be ground to make paste. However, close to ninety per cent of people develop an allergic reaction to the paste and therefore sales of Brugeloak butter are low.

  For more information about Brugel’s unique flora, grab a copy of the bestselling What Caused This Rash? by noted botanist Kerk von Dennegelden.

  [132] This is very true. Just as every generation gets taller, every generation gets heavier. Take out a mortgage, then sit in a chair from Brugel’s renaissance and see how easily it breaks under your weight.

  [133] In most cases dirty objects are placed in baskets or rubbish bins. On the odd occasion you throw them towards the bin and they miss their target, they make this noise on landing.

  [134] Brugel is often used as a unit of measurement amongst the eastern states of Europe. For example, “Every day, an area of rainforest the size of Brugel is bulldozed.”

  It is true that a dog’s mouth is a total bac-fest, but the exact number of bacteria is anyone’s guess. If the dog’s had a good clean-up at the vet, the numbers will be lower. If the dog has snaffled week-old road-kill, it’s time to get out the hazmat suits.

  [135] Attending the opera should be a beautiful night out. In Brugel, however, their opera is monumentally bad. Noted Slaegalese critic Zarah Bragiç likened it to wailing cats. In a cement mixer. Which is why it was far too dangerous to allow Duke Pavla to attend – the shock to his system might kill him. There is a silver lining: where Bruglers fail in the singing department, they more than make up for in earplug manufacture.

  [136] A traditional Brugel cold remedy involves equal measures of fresh milk, plütz, tomato juice and gunpowder. Mix and drink immediately. After that, a sniffly cold is the least of your problems. It’s also expensive, as fresh milk can sometimes be hard to obtain.

  [137] Another problem with parabolas is pronunciation. Is it PA-ra- BOWL-a or pa-RA-bo-LA? You can waste a good five minutes in class arguing that one.

  [138] Another term for parabolas.

  [139] This is Old Brugelish, which has origins in German and Latin. The language is so frustrating and illogical that studying Old Brugelish is the leading cause of nervous breakdowns in modern scholars.

  [140] This book has two chapter thirteens because there is so much bad news.

  [141] Compared to Ondine’s schooling and laundry work, Old Col and Hamish have scored the much better deal so far. Sampling food, opening mail, eavesdropping, partaking in a little gossip. All far too easy. However, they do have the burden of the Duke’s welfare on their shoulders, and they need to find out who is plotting his downfall. And they might want to hurry up with that, because things are about to get a lot worse.

  [142] Brugel is famous for its lace-iron work. Lace-iron is a process of super-heating iron until it bends, giving it a stretch so it becomes thin, but not so thin that it breaks, and lacing it together to create a decorative flat surface. Many unwary customers are fooled into buying shoddy knock-offs made from a flat circle of iron with a lace pattern stamped into it.

  [143] If you need to keep your voice low while giving a message to someone, murmuring is far more effective than whispering. Whispering involves far too many “esses’ and people will overhear you and want to know what all the fuss is about.

  [144] If it was expected, it wouldn’t be a surprise. The Infanta’s arrival at meal times was one of those “known unknowns’. You know she’ll turn up at some point, you just don’t know when.

  [145] In other words, the Infanta thinks the Duchess is a drunken lush. If you want to talk about anything sensible with her, you’d best do so early in the day before she’s had too much to drink.

  [146] A type of inexpensive processed ‘meat’ with huge portions of fat. Each slice is so full of fatty chunks it resembles crazy paving.

  [147] Brugel’s answer to e-Bay, where the auctions work in reverse. The seller nominates a high beginning price, then reduces it by increments. The first bidder to put their (electronic) hand up “wins’ the bid. Many Brugel estate agents try the same technique, with mixed results.

  [148] Female butlers are common in Brugel and also in neighbouring Slaegal, but Craviç is having none of it.

  [149] Brugel coinage, of very little value.

  [150] A beloved expression of Bruglers. It means someone thinks they have everything sorted out, but they’ve forgotten the basics. For example, if you want to cook roast beef, you must first get the cow.

  [151] Over the centuries, the Autumn Palechia had had many modern conveniences added. Ducted heating and air conditioning have made life more comfortable for the modern resident (although not for the staff, who wear two pairs of fingerless gloves in the cold mornings). But none of the dukes in the history of Brugel had seen fit to install lifts. Or a dumb waiter.

  [152] Little knick-knack figurines that look like Trotsky.

  [153] It’s a little-known fact that the term ‘squee’ began in Brugel.

  [154] Not a bad little science experiment in itself. If you wish to tear paper silently, make sure it’s wet. The same goes for opening scrunched paper – if it’s wet it barely makes a sound. If it’s really wet, however, you may find it impossible to read the contents.

  [155] In the weeks leading up to the Harvest Festival, the Duke of Brugel gives a pardon to a chicken – or several chickens, depending on his mood – in order to spare them from ending up on the dinner tables.

  [156] In Brugel, an employee accrues eight weeks’ long-service leave at full pay (or sixteen weeks at half pay) after six years’ continuous employment with the one employer or company. This seems overly generous on the face of it, but in reality two out of three businesses in Brugel declare bankruptcy within the first year.

  [157] Naturally, Draguta didn’t mean hang the baskets up, she meant hang up the contents of the baskets.

  [158] Most of us make do with two-hundred-thread-count cotton; that is, two hundred strands of cotton per square inch of fabric, counting the up and downy threads and the side to sidey threads. Most weavers claim it’s impossible to create true one-thousand-thread-count cotton, as there is simply no way to squeeze f
ive hundred threads vertically and horizontally into one square inch. These weavers have yet to meet the incredible craftsmen and women of Venzelemma, who achieve the impossible on a daily basis.

  [159] Balloon – somebody with an inflated ego.

  [160] Atspish – a less than stellar result.

  [161] During plagues in Brugel’s middle ages, morticians would haul a wagon through town calling, “Bring out your dead.” Passed-out drunks were sometimes mistaken for corpses and flung on the wagons. They would sober up rapidly and give up drink. Hence the phrase, “on the wagon”.

  [162] A television talent program, where many contestants receive their first honest criticism. It’s often so emotionally crippling it sends them back to school so they can get a proper education and do something they might actually be good at.

  [163] Yia-sou is a friendly ‘hello’ in Greek. Say it to just about anyone and you’ll go places, either in Athens, Greece, or in Melbourne, Australia.

  [164] It’s called “circular breathing” and is especially useful when playing the didgeridoo.

  [165] Aren’t flip-top lids on toothpaste wonderful? It’s so easy to snap the lid back in place. In the days when you had to screw the lid on, many time-poor people would forget to replace the lid. Because clearly, it was soooo much effort to screw one tiny little lid back on the tube. It’s enough to drive you completely insane.

  It’s no coincidence that the introduction of flip-top lids on toothpaste tubes in the early 1990s dovetails neatly with Brugel’s plummeting divorce rates.

  [166] What Ondine is relying on here is the “double coincidence”: the idea that the information she gives the Duke has the same value as the information he needs to hear. She’s also relying on the information she will subsequently be able to give Draguta being of the same value as any information Draguta may give to Ondine (about why she’s padding her teddy with precious objects rather than fluffy stuff). So really, she’s relying on the “quadruple coincidence”, and the chances of that happening are virtually zero.