The Soulmate Agency

by Ivan B

  Ben put his hand on her elbow, “Don’t forget, I’m coming with you. They have no hold over you now.”

  It was a short walk to the room. Roberta gritted her teeth, opened the door and walked in. The sheer terror in her eyes had already started adrenaline pumping through Ben’s veins and he was ready for anything. Before Ben could even enter the room he heard her mother bark, “We’ve been waiting for over five minutes, go and get your things and for goodness sake take that dreadful stud out of your eyebrow, I’ve told you before it you may act like a slut, but there’s no need to look like one.”

  The couple stood side by side as Ben walked in, her father was a tall man with a receding hairline, he sported a floral open-necked shirt and what looked like a pair of flared trousers, next to him stood a hard-faced woman with close cropped hair wearing a skin tight dress that ended just above her large breasts and just below her thighs. Ben almost felt her eyes run up and down him. There was no social preamble. The man looked at Roberta and almost spat out his words, “So, this time you’ve tried to run away and hide behind a decent man!” He turned his apoplectic gaze onto Ben, “I don’t know how she enticed you into marriage, but I can assure you that we can get the marriage annulled. She’s a dipsomaniac of a woman with low intellect and loose morals who will let you down at the first opportunity. Your best shot of her. Leave it to us and we’ll get the legal paperwork sorted out and give you a handsome reward for your pains, say £5,000.”

  Ben was staggered at the man’s sheer audacity, he crossed his arms, “And just how would you get the marriage dissolved?” Ben asked as he half heard a short gasp from Roberta.

  A smug, triumphant, smile filled the father’s face. “By proving that she was not of sound mind when she got married. When she’s drunk she’ll do anything.”

  Ben shook his head, “But she was sober and I was sober and we wanted to get married and,” he changed his voice to one of no-nonsense firmness, “and we want to stay married. Frankly I find your approach offensive and can quite see why Roberta is tired of your attempts at controlling her life.”

  It was like water off of a ducks back and the woman picked up their attempt to entice him into giving up Roberta. “Look,” she said in a ‘let’s be reasonable’ voice that didn’t fit with her stony looks. “Look, we’ve got a husband lined up for her. Once she’s given him a baby you can have her back. We’ll make it very worth your while and she’ll benefit from…”

  Ben had heard enough of them talking about her like some sort of commodity; he glowered at her, “Let me say it in words of one syllable, “I LOVE MY WIFE AND YOU CAN KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER.”

  The man rolled his eyes, “You may think you love her, but you’ll soon grow tired of her as frankly she is unworthy of your love. She is a living disaster area. Has she told you that when she crashed the car she had a passenger? A married teacher who didn’t survive and left a widow and two small children. Did you know that?” Did you know that afterwards she tried to commit suicide by slashing her wrist, but couldn’t go through with it, and that was only the first time!” He stood confidently smirking at Ben as he continued his diatribe. “And did you know that, despite a very expensive education, she only managed one A level and that was general studies at the lowest possible grade?” His smirk grew into a confident ugly sneer, “Or about the fact that when she was in rehab she made a fool of herself with some Irish pop singer?”

  Bed became unnaturally calm and he said very quietly in a supremely controlled manner, “Have you finished?”

  Her father’s face showed nothing but contempt for his daughter and the mother seemed to have enjoyed her daughter’s derision as some abnormal form of enjoyment,. It was written all over her gloating face. The man crossed his arms, “Had enough have we?”

  Ben gave them a sorrowful look. “I really am sorry that you feel that way about your daughter, but you have to understand that she is my wife and to be honest I don’t care if she shinned naked down the Eiffel Tower. Give her up to you? I’d rather die.”

  The woman looked up and down Ben and looked at Roberta. “Is this what you want Bobbie? Living in some desolate parsonage with a penniless parson? I’m sure he doesn’t earn enough to buy you decent underwear. Come with us and marry a captain of industry, live in luxury and have servants to command.”

  Roberta linked her arm with Ben’s. “I’m called Roberta now and I’d rather die in happy poverty than marry any man you suggested and live in misery as a breeding sow.”

  Gloating triumph turned to anger and her father’s complexion turned from freshly tanned skin to pale beetroot. “Well you won’t get one single penny from us and don’t even think about trying to get any money from your accounts. You’ve made your bed and you can lie on it, but,” he added slyly, “when you’re fed up with that bed and come running to us don’t expect a warm welcome.”

  Ben felt his wife tremble as she thrust her head forward, “I’ve never expected a warm welcome from you, unless being told all my life that I’m a useless piece of meat is your idea of a warm welcome. But now I realise that you’ve never been happy unless you’re on top; I pity you and only hope that one day you’ll find contentment rather than continually be unfulfilled by seeking wealth and status.”

  “You ungrateful cow!” He stormed, taking a step forward and causing Roberta to quickly hide behind Ben. Ben, grabbed the door handle, “I think I’ve heard enough to know that Roberta deserves better than you, I only hope I can be better for her than you, but that shouldn’t be hard.”

  He closed the door on them. There was a brief period of verbal abuse shouted through closed door and then Ben and Roberta fled to the nearest toilet and locked the door. Roberta said resignedly, “They’ll work out a way to get the marriage annulled, I know they will.”

  Ben enfolded her in his arms, “Doesn’t matter how much money they’ve got they can’t get the marriage annulled. We had a Swiftie. When they became law there was serious concern that swift marriages would lead to equally swift divorce and extra work for the courts, so you can’t annul a Swiftie, or apply for a divorce within two years. They’re stuffed.”

  They stood in intimate physical contact for a minute or so and Roberta murmured, “Did you mean it, that you’d rather die than let me go?”

  “Every word.”

  She held him close and started to cry, “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about the teacher or the Irish singer or…”

  Ben kissed her, “It doesn’t matter, I know you would have given time and so far we’ve only had a few days, there are many years to come when we can tell each other everything.”

  He literally felt the tension in her melt away. “Do you really mean that? Many years to come?” She asked, obviously still rattled by the meeting with her parents.

  “Of course I do.”

  The briefly kissed, then Roberta giggled as they heard the strident voice of her mother pass by, “They can’t have been to the bank,” she hissed, “just wait till he finds out I’ve already got the money!”

  “Serves them right, said Ben,” as he kissed her again.

  She glanced at her watch, “Come on we can kiss later, there’s marriage number two any second.”

  The lounge had been laid out church style with a modest table at the front and with two small rows of chairs facing. Ben and Roberta sat in the back row, with Gwen and Derek, while Angela, Riona and Cameron sat in the front row. Henry sat next to them like a man on hot bricks. Sylvia sat with a laptop computer in front of her and an old-fashioned register-book that had been made out in copper plate writing.. A gentle piece of music started and Willow walked in clutching the same tatty bouquet that everyone else had used. Gwen had passed it on, somehow it had become a symbol of hope. The service was short, but much more like a church wedding. Henry and Willow stood facing each other and gazed into each other’s eyes as they repeated the vows after Sylvia. Riona and Cameron acted as witnesses and the ceremony ended with Willow and Henry kissing and Angela pro
ducing a proper square wedding cake with the names of all four couples iced onto it. It was at that moment Treasa and George burst in. Treasa rushed to the front, “Can you do us?” she squealed.

  Sylvia raised an eyebrow, “Swiftie?”

  “Anything so long as we get married,” said George.

  Willow tapped Treasa on the shoulder and passed over the now decidedly tatty bouquet. Sylvia ran through the same marriage routine and pronounced them man and wife. As George picked her up and kissed her Angela carved their names in the icing on the cake. It was a fitting magical moment for them to finish their time together at Minton hall.

  Later Angela and Sylvia watched them through the window of the office as they left in their respective cars. Sylvia grinned, “Well that’s only the third time that all the couples have left married, shame it’s never in the pairs you predicted at the start.”

  Angela sighed, “Difficult with oddballs, and it’s the first time we’ve had an odd numbered group and they’ve still all got married.”

  “Well,” replied Sylvia, “The next lot should make you happy.”

  She looked at a clipboard on her lap. “Two female twin trapeze artists from Spain; a professional Elvis impersonator; a female ventriloquist, she’s bringing her Koala dummy; a member of a female rock band; two senior policemen, one a twice divorcee; and a deep sea fisherman.”

  She grinned, “What do you reckon, the fisherman and the ventriloquist first?”

  Angela just groaned.

  Chapter 35

  Ten Years On

  The sleek silver Jaguar estate car pulled up at the front door of Hardcastle Mansion just as Cameron and Riona accompanied by a large Old English Sheepdog came out of the doorway. Two tall children, boy and girl and obviously twins, climbed out of the car excitedly waving. Riona kissed them both, “All the others are out the back. Can you remember the way?”

  They ran into the house as Henry and Willow exited from the car and stretched. Riona and Cameron had not changed much in appearance over the intervening years from their first encounter, he still looked a little odd, even though his clothes were immaculately chosen, and she still wore a hessian skirt with large pockets, her triple string of pearls and those dreaded wooded sandals. On the other hand Henry seemed to have aged faster, while Willow was positively radiant. They all shook hands, or kissed, or did both. “Others here yet?” Asked Willow.

  “Ben and Roberta are trying to explain to their two that not all Godparents have servants. Gwen is in the nursery and Derek is playing on Cameron’s computer, they came last night, straight from her brother’s in Wales.”

  “How’s her brother?”

  “She says the thickness of his skull must be in direct proportion to his lack of IQ.”

  The two women went into the house and Cameron turned to Henry, “How’s it going?”

  Henry gave a tired smile. “Full scan last week, not a sign, so perhaps we’ve got it beaten.”

  “No more chemotherapy then?”

  “Thank God no. Some people have no side effects, I seemed to have had them all, apart from hair loss that is.”

  He glanced through the doorway. “Willow’s been marvellous, she didn’t sign up to be a nurse.”

  He paused, “It was good of you to have our kids while I was in hospital.”

  Cameron patted him on the arm, “That’s what friends are for.”

  He glanced at Henry, “You up to giving the speech?”

  “Try and stop me.”

  Half an hour later all eight adult were in the lounge where they could look out onto the large lawn and keep an eye on the children, not that they needed to as Riona and Cameron’s children’s nanny was trying to supervise some sort of game involving plastic footballs and large plastic mallets. Ben watched his pair of red headed girls chase around with Henry’s lanky children, both obviously destined to be tall, and Riona and Cameron’s gawky shy son. All were aged between seven and eight, and knew each other well. He turned to Riona, “Babies OK?”

  “Both asleep and looking like angels.” She grinned, “Then you’d expect your son to look like an angel, but our daughter – never!”

  He looked around the room. All had grown older, some gracefully like Willow, some after illness like Henry, some just maturing nicely like Derek. The only exception was Gwen, her face and body shaped had changed beyond reason. She now had a face that could easily pass for an Oriental. It still wasn’t a beautiful face, but it was a functional face that didn’t turn heads and that was the way she liked it. Her body just seemed to have undergone a supporting metamorphosis to match her new facial features.

  Ben’s thoughts were disturbed by Henry, who tapped a glass with his wedding ring. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said formally, “Welcome to the biannual reunion of class 87 of the Soulmate agency. Firstly apologies: neither Angela or Sylvia, or their spouses, can make it this year; some nonsense about a round the world cruse. I suppose it’s anything to escape Cameron’s bagpipe playing.”

  He gave a brief cough. “Treasa and George also send their apologies and greetings. She's still temporarily running the International Children's Home Charity in Durban and George is enjoying himself teaching high-speed anti-terrorist driving skills. That tell me that they are blissfully happy and, of course, we all hope to be with them next year.”

  He cleared his throat again, “Now I know we all meet each other in various combinations from month to month and that Gwen and Derek recently had a holiday in Durban, but I thought, as usual, I’d bring us all up to speed on what’s what.”

  “Get on with it,” said Riona, “it’s lunch we’re after, not dinner.”

  He gave her a salute. “Firstly thanks to Riona and Cameron for hosting the event this year, Willow and I were due to host it, but as you can guess other matters have taken a hand. Still I hope to be well enough for as all to go to Treasa’s and George’s home in Rutland next year.”

  He sat his bottom on a high-stool that Cameron had conveniently placed. “First of all congratulations to Ben and Roberta for little Derek, and to Riona and Cameron for little Willow. Congratulations are also due to Riona and Cameron as they have been awarded a special commendation by the deaf society for the fact that their whole household has learnt British Sign Language to accommodate her maid Annie’s deteriorating hearing and her butler husband Kevin, who is completely deaf. Riona has also managed to pick up an American award which was for…”

  He looked at Cameron, who explained: “The best 17.3 cinema sound system to employ vacuum tube output stages and with an output power exceeding seven thousand watts.”

  “American watts,” added Riona

  “Nevertheless,” interjected Henry, “quite an achievement, though I shan’t be buying one as I believe they cost slightly more than a small fortune. Finally as far as the inhabitants of Hardcastle mansion are concerned we must congratulate Cameron on getting the EU directive concerning English chocolate defeated and for becoming regional curling champion, even if he did have to build the curling rink at his own expense.”

  “Good investment,” said Riona, “we’re already building two more in Milton Keynes and Rochdale.”

  There was laughter and Cameron bowed. Henry looked at Ben. “Ben is on the move up the coast to become Rector of Felburgh and Roberta has, at long last, gained her English ‘A’ Level with a B grade no less.”

  Everybody clapped. Henry held up his hand, “How she did that while bringing up two children, looking after her WI group and knocking off three excellent water-colours I’ll never know.”

  Henry glanced at a small card, “Oh and congratulations to Roberta, I believe it is now seven years eleven months and eight days since her last drink.”

  “Six days,” said Roberta, “Not that I’m counting.”

  Henry grinned, “And of course, since Roberta and Willow made their pact, Willow has not had a cigarette for the same length of time.”

  “You forgot the sixteen hours,” added Willow drolly.

&nb
sp; He went to turn to Derek, but turned back. “I almost forgot, Ben is also now a Canon, but I’ll refrain from remarking that they were looking for someone of the right calibre!”

  He turned to Derek and Gwen. “As you’ve probably read Derek has received a radio award for having the most recognised voice on radio, and become an MBE for his work as a news-reader, especially during the recent time of crisis in China. Not many of us could consistently and accurately get our tongues around such foreign sounding towns.”

  “That’s because they are foreign,” Drawled Derek.

  Henry rolled his eyes. “Gwen, on the other hand has become a film star as the documentary Dix opérations qui ont changé ma vie, has finally been released. That’s ‘Ten operations that changed my life’ to you anglophiles. We have got a copy here, dubbed in French and English by Derek, but don’t watch it on a full stomach.”

  Willow raised an eyebrow, “Ten operations? I though you were going for eight?”

  “A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do,” replied Gwen. “Had my bum reduced and a chin tuck, but believe me that’s the lot.”

  Henry ploughed on. “She has also received recognition from the Medical Council for her work with children who are undergoing radical surgery, something she’s been doing on the quiet for the last six years.”

  She gave a bow. “You missed out that I’ve joined Derek in providing voice-overs, but mine were for the Welsh Tourist Board in Welsh!”

  Henry chuckled, “As for Treasa and George, she has recently won her court case with the Golden satellite channel and they have finally agreed to pay her ongoing royalties for the repeats they show every day and for the copies of her programmes that they have sold world-wide. They have also agreed not to reuse the name of Molly Mint in any other of their programmes. Gwen tells me that the Durban children’s home is organised chaos, but the children love it and are thriving. As for George, he’s becoming a good after-dinner speaker to raise funds for the Child’s Play charity and, as you know, still loves haring about the countryside in high-speed cars.”