Wanting More

by Jennifer Foor

I knew the reason why I felt like shit right away. I'd done something stupid, but my main concern wasn't myself, it was why the woman I loved was sleeping in a separate bed from me.

  I got up to go to the bathroom and the room was spinning around. When I got to the mirror I couldn't believe how bad I looked. After taking care of business, I headed back to the beds and looked out the window to see it was still dark out. I looked at the bed I'd slept in, but chose to climb in beside Amy instead. She let out a little moan when I reached my hands around her waist and pulled her close to me. Something was wrong.

  I kissed into her neck and as she stirred she pulled away from me. "Don't Conner. I don't want to talk to you right now."

  "I wasn't tryin' to talk. I just wanted to sleep in the same bed, but now that I know you're mad, I want to know why."

  She backed away and turned to face the opposite direction again. "You don't get to ask me that right now."

  "The hell I don't. You better tell me. Did I say somethin' to make you mad? I promise you that I didn't mean to hurt your feelin's."

  She put her hands in her face. "How long have they been sleeping together?"

  Oh hell, I didn’t remember saying all that. I ran my hands through my hair and considered what to say without pissing her off more. “I can’t prove that they are sleepin’ together, but I saw a text message he sent her askin’ when he could see her again. Since I’ve known Heather I would say she can’t just be friends with a guy, especially if that guy is trying to get some from her.”

  She laid back down and played with her hair. I saw her looking at little strands of it as if she were trying to avoid making eye contact with me. “That’s just great. That little fucking whore just can’t shut her legs can she?”

  I laid down on my stomach, but turned my head to face her. “Amy, are you upset because of what I did with her, or what he did? I can assure you that after she found out who I was even she knew it meant nothin’ to me.”

  If she was jealous of Rick and Heather I was going to be pissed because it would mean that after everything he’d done to her, she still had feelings for him. “Maybe a little of both. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate Rick. I wish he would drop off the face of the earth, but that is fucked up in so many ways. We went to that dinner to hook the two of you up and the whole time he was trying to get into her pants too. When did he even manage to get her number?”

  “When I had you in the bathroom with me, I reckon’.”

  “Oh, yeah. When we came back they were in a serious conversation. I guess I was too involved with other things to notice them.”

  “Me too. All I could think about was you leavin’ with him.”

  “All I could think about was you leaving with her.”

  I knew she was watching me that night, but I was mad. I wanted her to be with me, not riding home with that bastard. Then it turns out he was even more of a douche than I had originally thought. “I told you this that night and I’ll tell you again right now, I never wanted her.”

  “Conner, we can use this to our advantage. If I can get pictures of them hooking up, I can blackmail him into letting me leave and keeping my business. He also doesn’t want the town knowing that I cheated on him. He wants everyone to think he’s this great guy.”

  “He ain’t a great guy. He’s a fuckin’ drunk.”

  “Would you just consider what I am saying to you? It’s going to take time either way. I already downloaded a cloning app on my phone. When he gets home I am going to copy it to his phone and track his phone calls. When I find out when they are meeting we can get the photos.”

  She rolled over on her stomach and mimicked my position. I reached over and moved her hair away from her face. “Wouldn’t it just be easier to hire someone to look into his personal shit?”

  “I can’t afford it.”

  “I’ll give you the money.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t let you do that. This is my mess.”

  “Darlin’, you’re my girlfriend. If I want to give you money that will help us be together, then let me.”

  She started crying again. “I want to be your girlfriend, more than anything Conner, but I have to get out of my marriage first. The only reason I haven’t left yet is because I will lose everything. If I can pull this off, I could possibly keep my salon without having to fight him in court.”

  She wasn’t looking at what would happen if this plan of hers backfired. She was putting herself in danger and I didn’t like it. It wasn’t exactly as easy as pretending to like a girl to get information from her. This man was violent and he could seriously hurt her if he found out. “I’m not okay with this plan of yours.”

  “Well, you’re really not going to be okay with the rest of my plan.”

  “Don’t you dare say what I think you’re goin’ to.” I wasn’t going to let her do it alone. It was out of the question.

  Amy stood up and put her hands on her hips. “We need to keep our distance for a couple of months. Heather knows who you are and she already has a huge problem with you and your family. If she finds out you and I are doing this together, she’ll tell Rick.

  As much as I want to be with you, I can’t take the chance. You telling Heather the truth has made things impossible for us to sneak around. He thinks you moved back to Kentucky. It has to stay that way.

  We’ve waited this long. Isn’t it worth a couple more months to be able to never have anyone threatening us again.” She walked into the bathroom without letting me respond. I heard the water turn on and knew she was getting a shower.

  I didn’t like anything about her idea if it meant I couldn’t see her. I thought that after I dealt with the Heather shit and got my family on the right page again, we could start our future. Now, there was something else standing in the way.

  When I climbed in the shower behind her, she didn’t welcome me like she had in the past. There was animosity between us now and it was going to drive me crazy.

  I reached for the tiny bottle of shampoo that came with the rooms and started washing Amy’s hair. She kept her back to me, but didn’t fight me when I touched her. I leaned into her body, massaging the shampoo into her hair. “I’m sorry for last night.”

  “Which part?”

  Since I could barely remember anything, I had no idea how much I had to apologize for. “For everything except the times where I talked about how I felt about you. I know how I get when I’m messed up and I always say the truth, so I know at some point, I told you all about how I felt.”

  She sighed loudly and turned around to face me. She was crying again. “Before you called last night, I was picturing the worst possible scenarios of you being with Heather. I kept telling myself that you loved me enough to not sleep with her; that there was no way you could go through with it knowing how much it would hurt me.” She let her head lean into my chest. “I’m trying so hard to let it go. I just hate her so much. How could you kiss her and touch her? How could you go through with it, Conner? I just want to hate you for having sex with that witch.”

  I pulled Amy into my arms and held her close to me. Her hair was wet, but I kissed it anyway as the water splashed against her back. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

  She sobbed in my arms. “Why did she have to get you too? I don’t care about her being with him. They can have each other. I just didn’t want her to have you too.”

  God, I felt horrible. Being with Heather was a mistake before it happened, but even with me finding out the truth for Ty and Miranda, I had damaged something dear to me. Even though I knew I still had Amy’s heart, I had done something that she was never going to forget.

  I cupped her face with my hands and looked right into those teary eyes. “She never had the real me, Amy. All I ever felt for her was hatred. You have to know that. I never touched her the way I touch you. I didn’t kiss her the way I kissed you and I sure didn’t fuck her the way I make love to you.” I wiped the tears from her eyes and kissed her forehead. “Please don’t cry darli
n’. I can’t stand to see you so sad and knowin’ I’m the cause.”

  “I don’t think you realize what you did for your family, Conner. I can’t think of one person that would do something so completely crazy to help out another person. It was selfless and the most thoughtful thing I will ever see in my entire life. Conner, my feelings may be hurt, but I love you for what you did for your sister. I’m sorry too. I’m just having a girl moment where I want this all to be about me when I know it’s about a family with three children and a brother that would do anything he could for his sister.”

  I kissed her softly on the lips. “I don’t want to ever hurt you again, darlin’.”

  “I’m afraid of losing you. I’m so afraid that if we stay away from each other, you’re going to find someone else or go back to your life in Kentucky.” More tears fell down her cheeks. I reached down and turned off the water.

  After I climbed out, I grabbed her a towel and wrapped it around her shivering body. When we got back into the bedroom area, I sat her down and kneeled in front of her. “First off, you’re not goin’ to lose me and second, my life is wherever you are, so I won’t be goin’ back to Kentucky unless you’re with me.”

  “Promise?”

  I kissed both of her hands. “I swear it. I hate this idea of yours, but you stuck by me and let me do what I needed to do. I respect your decision and I’ll give you the time to get your life straight. I can’t ask you to leave everything, because I know you wouldn’t be happy in the long run. I want what you want, so I will wait.”

  She finally smiled that beautiful smile that I’d been waiting to see. I didn’t want to have to wait any longer, but taking away what she loved just wasn’t fair. I would be okay with her plan, until he tried to lay a hand on her and then I was going to take matters into my own hands, with or without her approval.

  Chapter 28

  Amy

  I’d like to say that the next couple months went by fast but they didn’t. The morning I dropped Conner off at his truck after his devastating night with Heather, I went home to find Rick waiting for me. Of all the freaking times he never came home early, he picked the one damn time I didn’t come home.

  Conner and I had come up with a good plan and we promised to stick to it, so calling him on my secret phone wasn’t an option. I didn’t want to be in this marriage with this awful cheating, abuser. I wanted to be with Conner.

  I walked into the house ready to face him. I didn’t back down or hesitate as I entered the house. Rick was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast. A plate was sitting across from him and he even smiled when I approached. “We need to talk.”

  Honestly, I really thought he was going to tell me that he was going to let me leave. Perhaps he and his whore Heather wanted to be together and I was the only thing standing in the way. I pulled out the chair across from him and sat down. He offered me orange juice and even got up to make me a plate of food. “I’m listening.”

  “Where were you last night?”

  With shaking hands I took a drink of juice. I sat it back down and played with the rim of the glass. “I was honestly helping my friend who had too much to drink.”

  “Did you fuck this friend?” His question wasn’t shocking.

  “No, I didn’t.” It was the truth. I wanted to be with Conner, but it just wasn’t that kind of night.

  “Do you love him?” He took another bite of his food and stared at me.

  “Rick, why are you asking me these questions?”

  “Do you remember when you used to love me?” It was a long time ago. Back when I thought that he was a kind and gentle man who only wanted to be with me and nobody else.

  “Yes, I remember.”

  He shocked me when he reached across the table and grabbed my hand. I started to pull away, but was petrified how he would react. “I want a fresh start, Amy. I want us to work on our marriage and be happy again.”

  Flabbergasted.

  That’s all I could come up with.

  Then he started to cry. He plopped down on the ground and fell to his knees in front of me. “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you. Please don’t leave me, baby. I will go to counseling, I will quit drinking, just please tell me that you’ll give me another chance. I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”

  Still nothing.

  This had to be a dream.

  Maybe I was still at the hotel and just hadn’t woke up yet. Maybe he shot me when I came in the door and this was just my own purgatory.

  Rick laid against my knees balling his eyes out, while I just sat there speechless. I hated this man. He’d taken everything I had and turned it to shit. He’d cheated on me. He’d beaten me. There was never going to be a second chance. Not even if Hell froze over.

  Then I started really thinking.

  I believe that everyone has one moment in their life where they have the opportunity to change their path. A chance to undo the wrong and take everything into a whole different direction.

  For months I’d looked for a way out. So many sleepless nights of both praying and begging God to help me out of my miserable situation.

  This cold, awful man was at my feet begging me for forgiveness and I saw my way out. I was going to use his vulnerability to my advantage. I was going to use him far worse than he’d done to me. I was going to make him sorry he ever laid a damn hand on me. I would bury him.

  “I don’t love him, Rick. I only love you.”

  Rule number one: Lie. Make him believe that everything will be okay.

  He looked up at me and grabbed my face. I closed my eyes and pretended it was Conner touching me. Tears ran down my eyes and I smiled to pretend they were happy, but they weren’t. “You really still love me? After everything I’ve done to you?”

  I kept crying my agonizing tears and forcing a smile as I nodded my head. “I do, Rick. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore.”

  “Oh baby, I didn’t mean any of the awful things I said and did to you. I swear I’m going to change. Everything is going to be better. I promise.”

  He kept hugging me. “What happened to make you want us again?”

  He sat back in his chair and continued to shed tears. “I’m miserable on the road all the time. I just can’t do it anymore. I hate the new job. Last night was the final straw. I gave them my notice. I’m just going to find something nine to five that’s close to home. I wanted to tell you last night, but you never came home. God, it hurt me so much. I never knew how it felt for you until I felt it for myself. I’m just so sorry, baby. I’m so so sorry.”

  I reached my arm across the table and put on a fake smile. “Are you sure I’m what you really want?”

  “More than anything. I still love you so much. I’m going to prove it, Amy.”

  I squeezed his hand. “I hope so.”

  We sat in the kitchen for a while longer before he went into our room and went to sleep, while I got ready for work. I think I was still trembling as I pulled out of my driveway and headed to work.

  The real tears didn’t hit until I got about a mile from the house. I actually had to pull over because I couldn’t see to drive. My secret phone started to vibrate in the center console and I just couldn’t answer it. Conner would not be okay with me pretending to work things out with Rick, but after he carried on a relationship with Heather, he really didn’t have a say in my decision. Besides, I needed to keep my relationship with him separate. He already agreed to give me space and I needed to take advantage of that.

  I was taught to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That was exactly my plan.

  I was going to throw myself into my pathetic marriage until I could catch Rick in one of his famous lies. When I had enough dirt to bury him, I could walk away and never have to worry about him again. I could keep my business and start a fresh life with Conner.

  My plan seemed flawless in my head, at least for the first couple hours, but Conner was going to be hard to lie to, when he worried about me eve
ry second. After he tried to call me three times, I finally answered.

  Hello

  Blaze, I’ve been tryin’ to call you all mornin’. Are you okay?

  Yeah, I’ve just been busy. I’m fine I promise.

  Somethin’s wrong.

  No, it’s not! I promise. Everything is fine. Go back to work and do something for a change.

  I work my ass off and you know it. Don’t make me come to that salon and spank you in that back room. I ain’t got a problem with takin’ an extra hour for lunch.

  It must be nice being the boss.

  I like bein’ in control.

  Conner, I love you.

  Now I know somethin’s wrong.

  No, everything is alright. Rick is home though so it’s not good if you show up here. Can I call you before I go home?

  Does he know you spent the night with me?

  Stop worrying. If something was wrong I would tell you.

  You better, Amy. Don’t you dare go and do somethin’ stupid. You get a hair up your ass and end up with a black eye and I will kill that mother fucker.

  There is no hair up my ass. I just wanted to tell you that I loved you. If you don’t want me to say it I won’t.

  Nah, keep sayin’ it. I like the way I can picture your lips when it comes out of that pretty little mouth of yours. Then I start thinkin’ about what else you can do with your mouth. Then I end up in the bathroom for the next twenty minutes.

  Conner!

  Just kiddin, darlin’, it only takes five minutes if I’m thinkin’ of you.

  I think that’s a compliment.

  You should feel special. I don’t beat off to just any girl.

  I’m hanging up now.

  I’m hangin’ on. Love ya, Blaze.

  Love you too!

  I hung up the phone and stared at it for a couple minutes. I should have called him back and told him about my plan, but I needed him to be safe. This was my way of protecting the man that I was in love with from the man I wasn’t.

  Chapter 29

  Conner

  The first morning after Amy came up with her new rules, I wasn’t sure what I wanted more. Her or a pill.