Shallow River

by H. D. Carlton

  I don’t tell her about his random pop-ins when I’m leaving class. That would lead to confessing about why he felt the need to find me. And then that’ll lead to the library incident, when I felt too… free. Like I could say anything or do anything with no consequence.

  “Are you comfortable there?”

  I know what she’s really asking. Is Mako just like Ryan? Does he scare me too?

  He does. Just not in the way she’d think.

  “Yes,” I breathe. And this time, I’m telling the complete truth.

  She sighs in relief. “Okay, well I have to go throw up now. But will you text me? Let me know you’re okay and if you need anything?”

  I smile, more grateful than ever that Amelia’s in my life. “Of course, babe. I love you.”

  “I love you too, River.”

  126 MISSED CALLS.

  349 UNREAD MESSAGES.

  50 VOICEMAILS.

  RYAN: Baby, please come home. I need you. I’m losing my fucking mind without you.

  RYAN: I can’t fucking live like this, River. You’re killing me. You’re fucking killing me.

  RYAN: Does this make you happy? That I want to fucking kill myself? I’ll fucking do it, River. I’ll write my suicide note and tell everyone it’s all your fault, that way when someone asks you what it’s like to murder someone, you’ll know.

  RYAN: I’m staring at this gun in my hand and all I want to do is put a bullet in my brain. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself.

  RYAN: I’m just so hurt by the way you’re treating me. You’re acting like I never meant anything to you.

  RYAN: So much for never fucking leaving me, River. You promised you’d never leave me.

  RYAN: Was everything a lie? All those times you told me you loved me. That we would be together forever. Everything was a lie.

  RYAN: I want to kill myself right now. The only thing keeping me alive is the hope that you’ll come back to me.

  RYAN: Baby PLEASE.

  RYAN: Where the fuck are you, River? I’ll fucking find you if you don’t tell me.

  RYAN: No one will ever keep me from finding you.

  RYAN: FUCKING ANSWER ME!

  RYAN: I’m coming for you.

  EVERY TIME HIS NAME flashes across the screen, I want to break it. I just got this new phone, too, considering Billy smashed the other one. That entire week, I struggled with the push and pull. I’d go from seething mad to missing him and crying because of what he did to me. My fingers would hover over the keypad, desperate to respond to him. Desperate to plead for him not to kill himself. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Not even when he threatened to come looking for me.

  That was two days ago, and he still hasn’t found me. I assume the last place he ever expected me to be was his brother’s. Ryan doesn’t know that Mako and I have ever talked past the short encounter when I met their parents. Didn’t keep me from constantly checking out the window in fear, waiting for his car to pull up.

  It’s hard to admit that the past week I’ve been here, this is the safest I’ve ever felt in… well, my entire life. I hate that. I hate that being around Ryan feels like standing next to a tornado, while his brother feels like finding safety in a storm shelter.

  Another text comes through. This time it’s an image. Ryan is holding a gun to his head, the look in his eyes desperate and wild. My heart drops. Is he actually going to do it? When he threatened to kill himself, I never truly believed it, though it kept me up at night praying he wouldn’t. But this seems too real. Ryan’s not the type to hold a gun to his head.

  His name flashes across my phone for the millionth time. Another incoming call. Before I can stop myself, I snatch up the phone and click the green button.

  “Hello?”

  A moment of silence, and then a sniffle. “I wasn’t expecting you to answer.” He sounds pitiful, his voice downtrodden and full of shame.

  “I wasn’t expecting you to leave me in a puddle of piss, but I guess shit happens, Ryan. Why are you holding a fucking gun to your head? What is wrong with you?” My voice is full of anger. I didn’t expect the anger to hit me so suddenly and so hard. But the moment I heard his voice through the receiver, all I felt was raw agony from his actions.

  “Because I can’t live without you, River! How many times do I have to say that? Look, I am so sorry, River. I miss you so much, and I’m so ashamed of the way I acted. You’re injured and it wasn’t the right time.”

  I smile, though not from humor. “When is the right time?”

  He trips over his words. “What do you mean?”

  “You said it wasn’t the right time. So, tell me Ryan, when is the right time to beat your girlfriend?”

  “There is no right time, that’s not what I meant,” he snaps, growing defensive. Ah, so he doesn’t like to be called out on hitting me? And I thought I ran from my problems.

  “Then what did you mean?”

  “I meant, I should’ve handled it better. But, River, I was angry you put yourself in that situation. I’ve told you to stop going there. It’s dangerous and this is what happens. Can you blame me for being upset that you continue to walk into a dangerous house every month? Where you were raped and abused? This was bound to happen. And you lied to me, and you’re still lying about who hurt you. You’re protecting them.”

  “I’m not protecting them,” I snap. “I’m protecting everyone else. You’re right, there are dangerous people in Shallow Hill. And my ghosts caught up with me, but I’m not about to let them haunt anyone else’s life.”

  “My dad is a lawyer, I’m a lawyer. I could put them away for life,” he argues.

  I shake my head, frustration bubbling inside me. He doesn’t understand. He won’t ever understand. He’s a privileged boy that grew up with loving parents in a beautiful house. He has always gotten his way.

  But he won’t get his way this time.

  “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice on the edge of desperation. “I just love you so fucking much, River. More than anyone I’ve ever been with. I’ve never felt this way about any of them, so this is… this is new to me, okay? I am so fucking scared of losing you. And that night… it was like watching my worst nightmare come to life. I freaked. I treated you horribly. I fucked everything up, and I’m so fucking sorry for that.” His voice cracks at the end of his sentence, right along with my resolve.

  My shoulders deflate. Why does it hurt so bad hearing him hurt? He doesn’t hurt when I hurt. I grit my hair and pull, so frustrated with the effect Ryan has on me. It’s like a riptide—every time I think I’m going to pull myself out and free myself, he’s right there to pull me back under. Drowning and suffocating me. It’s so exhausting fighting him. I just want to go back to where we were before I went to Shallow Hill. We were so fucking happy, and god, do I want that back again.

  “River, can we just… can you please come home so we can talk?”

  I feel myself starting to slip. He hit me. He hurt me. He left me. He did so many bad things to me. But I think about the picture of him holding a gun to his head, the crazed gleam in his eye. He’s hurting, too. And maybe this time, he’s actually fucking sorry. I’ve never actually left him before. Maybe this time he took me seriously and will change.

  “Please?” he begs when I still don’t answer. “I just want to talk to you. See you how you’re doing and if you’re okay. I promise we’ll just talk. I won’t even touch you if you don’t want me to.”

  I sigh. We do have a lot to talk about. I’ve put more effort into this relationship than I ever had with anyone else. All the other men I’ve entertained were just that—entertainment. I never felt the things Ryan makes me feel.

  It’s pretty clear Ryan has issues, but maybe if he opens up to me better and we establish healthy coping mechanisms for his anger, we can fix this. That’s what I’ve learned in my studies. Coping mechanisms. Finding what triggers him and learning how to handle it in a healthy way.

  Aside from that, all my belongings are the
re. I’ve been wearing Mako’s oversized clothes for the past week, and I’ve caught him giving me a few heated glances when he thought I wasn’t looking. They sent a thrill straight through my bloodstream and disgusted me all at once.

  “Come on, just a couple weeks ago we were so happy. The way I made you laugh. How hard I made you come—"

  “Fine,” I interrupt, already feeling myself weakening to those memories. I have to admit, most of the last two years together have been absolute bliss. “I’ll come home. But if I start to feel scared in any way, I’ll have the police on speed dial.”

  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I realize that’s a sentence I should never have to say to my boyfriend. But I don’t have fucking room to talk, though. Look at where I came from. Everyone has demons, and I love Ryan enough to try to help him fight those demons.

  He sighs in a relief, and I can feel his smile through the phone. “Okay, baby. I’ll be here waiting.” That word again. Baby. It feels different coming out of Ryan’s mouth. Like familiarity and comfort. With Mako, it feels… thrilling. Like touching a livewire. I think I’ve had enough thrills to last me a lifetime, now’s the time where I settle down and relish in comfort.

  I hang up the phone and immediately open up my Uber app. Mako’s at work so I don’t have to worry about sneaking out.

  I dress back into my pajamas that Mako packed for me, collect the few things I had here in a grocery bag and am sliding into the back of the Uber within fifteen minutes.

  The entire ride back, all I can pray for is that this doesn’t turn ugly again. I might not survive it this time.

  “HEY BABY. I MISSED you,” Ryan says, standing from the couch and walking towards me. I take one step back, not quite ready for his touch. Immediately he pauses, a flash of hurt skirting across his eyes. But he steps back nonetheless. That one movement comforts me.

  “I’m sorry. Can I get you anything? How are you feeling?”

  “How does it look like I feel?” I still haven’t let go of my anger yet. Just because I’m here, doesn’t mean I’m not still hurting.

  His eyes track over my purpled face, casted pinky finger and hunched over body. Every movement hurts my ribs, and I still have a slight limp.

  He looks dejected, but anger brews in his blue eyes. “It makes me angry looking at you, River. Because of what that son of a bitch did to you. I want to kill him.”

  And apparently me too. I keep that part to myself, though.

  “Please, come sit down.” I glance at the couch. Memories of lying helpless on the couch in a puddle of pee assault me. Memories of crying and screaming for his help, while he yelled at me and smacked me in the face.

  Maybe this was a bad idea.

  I take a step back.

  “You’re not leaving,” he says. The words send a jolt of fear through me, like an expresso shot straight into my veins. When my eyes slide back to him, his concerned mask has fallen and a darker one has replaced it.

  “I…I wasn’t going to,” I say. I hate how weak I just sounded. I lift my phone, my fingers moving towards the SOS button. The phone is ripped from my hand and thrown across the house in a matter of seconds. I flinch at the crash and sound of breaking glass. Great, there goes another one.

  “You don’t need that. I just want to help you, River. You never let me help you.”

  His soft tone starkly contrasts with the aggressive action. It’s honestly fucking terrifying. I bite my tongue to keep my words in, tempted to remind him we're in this situation because of the last time I asked him for help.

  Subtly, I glance around the house. I know this house like the back of my hand now. I know where all the exits are.

  I know where the knives are.

  I smile at him. “I’d love for you to help me.” I hold out my hand—the one without the broken pinky. “Will you help me to the couch? I’m still sore.”

  His shoulders relax, a smile slides across his face and he grips my hand gently.

  “See, baby? That’s all I want to do. Make you feel better. Make up for my past mistakes.”

  The second my ass hits the couch, so does the reality that I made a huge mistake coming back here.

  “So, let’s talk,” I breathe. I grab his hands and hold them tightly in mine. They feel cold, but familiar. I close my eyes briefly and brush my thumbs across his skin.

  No tingles. No thrill. Just familiarity. Something I’ve always wanted in life. Comfort, the feeling of home, to be content. I was so tired of being touched by unfamiliar hands that I thrived off the comfort of Ryan’s hands on me. But I never realized that familiar doesn’t mean safe until now.

  Billy’s hands are familiar…

  This was a mistake.

  “I think you owe me an apology first,” he says. My eyes snap open. His dull blues bore into my golden orbs. He is one hundred percent serious.

  Desperately, I try to search for the man I fell in love with, but all I see staring back at me is the face of evil. He isn’t even trying to hide it anymore.

  I clear my throat.

  “What would you like me to apologize for?”

  Loving you despite your flaws? Thinking I could change you? Healthy coping mechanisms, my ass. He had me so fooled. I had kidded myself, thinking he was just a man with a few anger issues and little too spoiled. Now I realize I was wrong. So, so wrong.

  “For going to Shallow Hill, putting yourself in a dangerous situation and letting another man touch you.” My hand trembles with the need to pull them from his. I don’t want his skin on mine, it burns like hot coals forged from Hell.

  How could I when he thinks I let Billy put his hands on me? As if I had the goddamn choice.

  “I’m willing to forgive you, River. I know”—he clenches his jaw— “I know another man fucked you. I’m willing to still be with you. But I want an apology.”

  So many thoughts are racing through my head, I can’t pin a single one down and focus on it.

  I’m sorry for being raped, Ryan. I’m sorry I was beaten half to death while my mother watched and didn’t do a damn thing to save me. I’m sorry I watched my mother being raped in return. I’m sorry that an evil man is attached to me and will do anything to hurt me. And I’m sorry you’re just like him.

  “I’m sorry, Ryan,” I say softly. If I speak any louder, he might detect the emotion in my voice. He’ll hear the anger. The disgust. The absolute shame that I’ll never learn. I always come crawling back to him.

  His fingers brush a stray strand of hair from my face and tucks it behind my ear. I shiver beneath his touch.

  He thinks it’s because he excites me. I think it’s because he disgusts me.

  “I forgive you, baby. We all make mistakes. But just because I forgive you, that doesn’t mean I will ever forget. Do you understand that?” he asks, his voice quiet and steady. Sinister and unforgiving.

  “I understand.”

  He smiles, his perfect teeth poking through. He doesn’t have sharp canines like Mako does. His two front teeth aren’t a tad longer than the rest. They look like veneers. What did his teeth look like before a dentist made them perfect little squares in his lying mouth?

  “I’m sorry I hit you, River. I’m sorry I yelled at you. And I’m sorry that I didn’t come get you before you embarrassed yourself all over my couch.” I nearly see red by the time the last words slip past his stupid fake teeth. “And I’m sorry I fucked my secretary.”

  The red bleeds into an icy blue as my blood runs cold. “You… you fucked someone else?”

  He scoffs. “You didn’t think I wouldn’t after you let someone else inside you? Come on, River. It was only fair I got even. And now that I have, we can be happy again. You won't go to Shallow Hill anymore, and I'll fire that slut.”

  Oh, sweet Ryan, yes you will.

  “Okay,” I whisper. I look into his eyes and force a brittle smile. “That’s fair.”

  The smile he returns can only be called evil. Just like him.

  Good thing I can be, too.r />
  THE SHRILL RING FROM my phone startles me. I drop the coffee mug I’m washing, and it shatters into the sink. Ryan liked that mug. Anxiety rushes through me as I try to figure out how I’m going to explain how it broke. Maybe he won’t notice.

  Stupid.

  He uses this mug every day.

  My hands shake as I wipe my hands on a dish towel quickly and answer the phone without looking who it is. “Hello?”

  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  “Where are you?”

  I close my eyes and release a weighted sigh. It’s only been two days since I came back to Ryan. Mako called me both days and it’s been absolute hell trying to hide them from Ryan. I also skipped class so he couldn’t find me there. I’m hiding from Mako, and he knows it. He knows exactly where I am.

  “You can’t just call me, Mako.”

  Good thing I never saved his phone number in my phone. I deleted all evidence of him. Surprisingly, Ryan hasn’t asked where I stayed during the week apart. I know he went looking for me at Amelia’s. She told me he showed up, and she slammed the door in his face, not confirming nor denying if I was there. I think he just assumed I was.

  That’s where I wish I would’ve gone.

  “Why? Because you’re back with him?”

  The sound of water splashing on the tiled floor filters through my racing thoughts. I whip my head to see the sink overflowing with water.

  “Shit,” I mutter as I rush over to turn off the spout. I scramble for the dish towel to mop up the water on the floor, nearly crying aloud when my ribs protest. My heart is racing, and I’m not even sure why at this point.

  “River?”

  “Just…just hold on, okay?” I snap. I finish soaking up the water. Thankfully, I caught it before it made it huge mess. I trap the phone between my ear and shoulder and wring out the dish towel in the sink.

  I stick my hand into the sink so I can drain it and right as I grab onto the stopper, I feel a sharp sting on my finger. Flinching in pain, bite my lip and rip the plug out of the sink. I cut my self on the broken glass.