Cracked & Crushed

by A. J. Downey

  I tried not to feel nervous. I had no idea where to go from here with Hayden. I had no idea how she was going to feel, what she was going to do with what we’d done last night. I wracked my neck from side to side and twisted my upper body to get the same crunch out of my lower back. I felt a little looser and that was good but it did nothing to ease the tension I was feeling on the inside. Cutter surfaced again and called out. I went over to the edge of the boat.

  “Yeah man what’s up!?” I asked.

  “These fuckers are a bitch to catch!” he said and spit seawater that had splashed into his mouth.

  “What do you mean?” I asked frowning.

  “Boat’s not going anywhere and neither is your girl! You might as well get down here so I can show you a thing or two!” he called out. I raised my eyebrows and laughed.

  “Oh you’re going to show me somethin’ huh?” I asked.

  “What you don’t know how to swim? I can teach you that too! Grab some gear. Spare knife is in the cabin on the galley counter. Help yourself!” he called. I laughed and hung my cut off another hook in the mast and went below deck. I spotted the dive knife he was talking about but bypassed it to check on Hayden.

  She lay on her stomach amidst the light blue crisp cotton sheets. The golden light from outside bathing her nude form until it glowed and I got so fucking hard looking at her. I breathed out and leaned in the doorway and just watched her sleep. Her breathing deep and even the line of her back smooth and perfect where it dipped before the swell of her lovely ass. God she had felt so fucking good there last night. I shuddered and fought the urge to drop my shorts and crawl in there with her.

  Instead I went back above deck and opened up the dive knife. I really, really liked it and got a certain pleasure strapping it to my leg for the first time. The sheath was this weird double locking thing that took a bit of getting used to but at the same time, it would hold true and I didn’t have to worry about losing the blade. I took up a mask and fins and went over the side. Cutter came up.

  “’bout time you got out here.” He said. I pulled on first one fin and then the other.

  “Yeah, had to check on Hayden.”

  “She cool?” he asked as I pulled the mask on.

  “Yeah, should see her! The light’s perfect and it’s making her just glow,” I said.

  “Damn man you got it bad!” he grinned and treaded water I grinned back and did much the same for a moment.

  “No argument there! So what are we doing?” I asked.

  “Well come on down and I’ll show you.” He put his snorkel into his mouth and bent, submerging himself, his fins rose smoothly out of the water and with a deft kick he went under, making his way to the bottom.

  I’d never really swum in the ocean before. Plenty of times in the lake on lake runs and in pools and rivers and shit. One of the things my Aunt Jen, Shelly’s mom, had done for us growing up was take us both to swimming lessons at the local pool. It had been more for Shells than me but I’d benefited from it too and I was grateful. Time at the pool had meant time out of the house away from Rick and my drunk ass mom.

  I pulled myself down through the water and felt the pressure in my ears. I made them pop and continued to the bottom where Cutter held himself suspended over patches of short waving sea grass. He reached into it and a rock shot up and waddled away. I blinked. What the fuck!? I swam closer and he grabbed for another one and held it out for my inspection. I took it from him and realized that it wasn’t a rock but a barnacle crusted clam thing. The kind with a shell shaped like a fan and ridged like a Ruffles potato chip. He pointed to the grass and took the thing from me and shoved it in his bag.

  I searched the grass and found that the whole bottom was littered with the bastards! Hidden in the wavering green and yellow like fuckin’ Easter eggs. I reached for one and it snapped closed and shot out away from me, swimming in that weird waddle to a clump of grass nearby. I blinked. Could these fuckers see me coming!? I kicked for the surface to get some air, Cutter following me up.

  “What the hell did you call those things!?” I asked.

  “Scallops!” he said and laughed a little.

  I’d eaten scallops before, the round white meat was succulent that I could remember and good in this pasta dish I’d had in this Italian joint back home but I’d never seen ‘em in their raw state before. Cutter held one out to me and I took it. It looked like a clam only with a fancier shell and I said as much. He laughed at me, and I had to admit, out here I was definitely some podunk hick from a land locked state so I couldn’t bitch much.

  “How many we need to feed the three of us?” I asked.

  “Pick up the biggest you can find. I’ll let you know when we’re good.”

  I shrugged, gave a look towards the boat and dove again. Sounded good to me and it kept me busy. Kept my mind from worrying about Hayden and what her reaction would be when she finally woke up. Catching the scallops proved to be both easier and more difficult than I expected. Problem with the damned things were when they leapt up and took off, you had no idea which direction they were gonna go in. You almost would have better luck with a catcher’s mitt than anything else when it came to harvesting ‘em. Still, it was a hell of a lot of fun. Finally Cutter gave me a thumbs up and jerked the digit skyward. We kicked for the surface and bright sunlight and both sucked in great gouts of air when we broke through to open air.

  “Got enough?” I asked.

  “Yeah should be. Now we gotta clean them. Come on I’ll show you how.” I nodded and we swam for the ladder off the side of his boat. So far this was a lot of fun.

  Chapter 12

  Hayden…

  I woke alone, the sun shining brightly through the portholes on either side of the bed. I pushed myself up into a sitting position and bit my lower lip. I tried to figure out if I were sore or not and decided that surprisingly, while I was a little stiff, it wasn’t too bad. I sat for a long time staring at the sunlight as it crawled lazily across the light blue sheets. I could smell them both on my skin and in fact pressed my hands and the light top sheet to my nose to breathe them in.

  There was the familiar cool scent of Reaver, the smell of clean laundry and of his cologne which I had long ago identified as Acqua di Gio. Underlying those, the ever present edge of cold steel. It was an amalgamation of both comforting and crisp, scents both modern and familiar that he wore well and that I had begun to equate with safe harbor not just since the beginning of this trip, but really since the first time he’d touched my face and asked in that even timbre if I trusted him. While the smells should have clashed, should have been confusing, they were so much a part of Reaver that when I smelled any one individually I thought of him, but together like this I don’t know… It had this strange calming effect. Waking surrounded by them I felt secure despite having woken up alone.

  Stronger, and a bit less comforting was the smell of Cutter, of Old Spice, open water and salty air. His smell held its own appeal in some ways, though it barely compared with Reaver’s in my mind. I cast my gaze around the cozy space and my eyes immediately went to the bright splash of orange at the foot of the bed. I picked up the orange tee and held it up so I could read the black writing. Ander’s Elite Maritime Salvage was emblazoned on the back while on the front was a caricature of a ship being dragged down by a giant octopus or squid, another boat that looked like it was a marriage between a ship and a tow truck had latched onto the sinking vessel and had popped it mostly free of the giant beast’s flailing arms. I bit my lip and smiled. It was cute.

  A thump from outside made my head come up. I heard a masculine voice, Reaver’s familiar tones, muffled and indistinct returned the first voice’s query and I felt myself relax that much more. The boys were up. I slipped the shirt over my head, the hem pooling in my lap and slipped off the end of the bed into the narrow hall. The shirt fell to my mid-thigh and covered me better than my bikini and shorts would have. Still, thinking on last night, on letting the two men share my body so thoro
ughly, I felt myself blush and despite the covering felt a naked as the day I was born.

  I was a little worried about how I would be received by them. Would they look at me as something less? Was I something less for what I’d done? I stood in the hall and chewed my lower lip, contemplating my sudden onset of nerves and decided that I was doing it again… that somehow I was thinking with the wrong set of filters, that I’d been thinking with the wrong set of filters for a very long time. Rather than deciding how I felt about last night I was thinking about how I would be perceived by others for what I’d done. I hugged myself and closed my eyes.

  How did I feel about the two men? Honestly… I felt okay about Cutter. He’d been respectful and we’d had a good time but the cold knot of fear sitting in the pit of my stomach, that was all for Reaver. I really did worry he would think of me as something less. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want that at all. I suddenly had to know, needed to know, would this be a walk of shame or would things be okay between us?

  Oh my God… What did it say that my feelings on if he would care or not were that strong? I closed my eyes and breathed like I did during yoga. Deep even controlled breaths. This sudden realization that it mattered so very much what Reaver thought of me was terrifying in its own right. Just days ago I was set to marry Andy! I was left slightly reeling, my feet carrying me unbidden above deck and into the bright sunlight. I squeezed my eyes shut against it and halted, unable to see to move forward.

  “Hey look who’s up!” Cutter’s friendly voice came, “How’d you sleep L’il Bit?” he asked. I blinked my watering eyes and was mercifully cast in shadow. I looked up into familiar cool blue eyes and felt myself relax. Reaver’s hands palmed my shoulders, his long fingers kneading the backs.

  “You okay Baby?” he asked me, concern radiating from him.

  “Kiss me,” I said and he smiled, his eyes thawing, warming just for me. He lowered his mouth to mine and kissed me carefully, then more soundly when my arms wrapped around his neck. His arms snaked around my back and he straightened, lifting me. I held onto him and put everything I was feeling, the awe, the confusion, the hurt and the wonder the depths of my heart and the things, that after Andy, I was too afraid to speak out loud, into that one kiss and I wanted it to go on forever because Reaver kissed me back with all of that and more!

  Reluctantly, we broke apart and the smile that he graced me with reassured me more than anything else that he was as he’d said so many times on this trip… Reaver was truly madly deeply in love with me and I…

  “Wow you two never stop amazing me.” Cutter’s voice, gruff with wonder and emotion broke my reverie. We both turned to look at him.

  “Do you need a kiss too?” I asked, teasingly.

  “You going to kiss me like that L’il Bit?” he asked me and his warm chocolate caramel gaze was speculative.

  “I don’t know if I can,” I said shyly, afraid of hurting his feelings, “But I’m willing to try.” Reaver slid me down the long hard length of his body, the orange tee damp where it had touched his skin and turned me so my back pressed to his front. He kneaded my shoulders and Cutter came forward, a similar predatory glint in his eyes that Reaver sometimes had in his. He stopped in front of me, our bodies nearly touching and looked down at me while I looked up at him. He smiled and brought his lips to mine and kissed me almost chastely.

  “Naw Baby,” he murmured against my mouth, “Wasn’t even fair of me to tease you like that.” He said but I still felt bad. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him and put everything I felt about him and about last night that I could into it. I kissed him gratefully, sweetly and tried to communicate with lips, tongue and teeth how very special he made me feel. He sighed a contented sigh against me, his breath warm and ghosting in a delicate blush against my mouth and throat. When he drew back his eyes were sparkling with happiness and mischief.

  “You fancy a round two Li’l Bit?” he asked me and I smiled.

  “I’m not terribly sore…” I said and decided that alone, with these two, I could unleash my inner wanton sex goddess to play. Both of them, the way they looked at me; the way they touched and kissed me, allayed any fears I’d woken up with.

  Cutter looked over my head at Reaver and grinned. “Ever make love to a woman outdoors on the open water?” he asked and it was about this time I looked at our surroundings, startled to find we weren’t anywhere near the marina, or another living soul for that matter. I thought about it for a second and smiled up at Reaver who was smiling down at me with a sheen of pride in his eyes.

  “Sounds fun,” I said, the familiar feeling of my old impish grin curling my lips and we did just that.

  We spent the rest of the day swimming, snorkeling and sailing, feasting on what the boys had caught that morning and again on fresh grilled fish that Cutter caught spear fishing while we were snorkeling. Finally in the late afternoon, early evening we motored back into Cutter’s slip at the marina. I was almost sad to say goodbye when he hoisted his garage door open. Reaver’s bike, Baby, was just as we’d left her.

  “Thank you for such a lovely time,” I said to him and he bent and snatched another kiss.

  “Naw Li’l Bit, I’m the one who should be thanking you,” he said and smiled, resting his forehead against my own. “You take care of her Bro.” he said to Reaver and I went to him, twining my arms around his lean hips.

  “You don’t have to worry about that,” Reaver said quietly and I smiled up to him. I wanted desperately to be alone with him at this point and couldn’t wait for our last night alone together at the bed and breakfast. We rode back to the little Victorian and slipped upstairs to our room. He shut the door behind us and a silence descended between us as we regarded one another from several paces away, the air grew thick and heavy between us; crackling with emotion.

  “I need a shower,” I said softly. Reaver’s cool blue eyes slid over my skin from head to toe and suddenly the air conditioning seemed positively frigid and I wanted to turn it off.

  “Things are different,” he said quietly and I knew what he meant. They were different between us and while things seemed clear and concise earlier today with Cutter in the mix, now they were much less so.

  “Yes,” I said and my voice rang hollow with fear, things were different, and that meant change, I was afraid though. Did Reaver want that change? Did I? Were we going to be okay or was this something that was going to break us apart? Would I be able to handle this? Were my insecurities going to destroy us somehow?

  “Doll?” Reaver said and my eyes snapped up to his questioning look.

  “Yes?”

  “What have you got chasing around in that pretty little head of yours?” he asked me.

  “I’m scared…” I said and he chuckled.

  “I can see that, it’s turning me on,” he said and I gasped. It had almost been easy to forget about that part of him. I swallowed.

  “Talk to me Baby,” he said and I was surprised to find he was still several paces away, giving me space, giving me room to breathe and collect my scattered thoughts. I opened my mouth, closed it and opened it again.

  “I’m afraid I’m going to ruin this, whatever this is, with my insecurities,” I said and it was the most honest thing I think that had ever come out of my mouth. Reaver’s stance and expression softened.

  “What else? I can see there’s something more,” his voice was gentle, coaxing and I found that his asking, his genuinely wanting to know so compelling, so freeing.

  “I’m half afraid that I’m not going to be able to handle it,” I said, referencing his darker nature. He nodded gravely at this and looked so carefully withdrawn that I pressed on. “I’m also half afraid I might like it too much.” I said and shuddered, hugging myself. He searched my face and the little spark of hope I saw in his deep blue eyes made me want to try so badly but I was being honest and part of that honesty meant admitting to myself that I really had no idea how deep the rabbit hole went when it came to his needing that edge of
violence in the bedroom.

  “I felt so vulnerable when you were,” I swallowed and pushed past my trepidation at talking about this out loud, “When you were cutting the clothes off my body.” I met his eyes and he was as closed down as I’d ever seen him, not giving a single thing away.

  “You trust me Doll?” he asked me and my breath caught in my throat because I knew that this time, this time it really, really mattered what came out of my mouth because this time, there was no going back. I didn’t answer him right away. I thought about it, I really thought about it, the conflict raging in my heart and my head. I let my breath out slowly. This was it, he was going to show me the monster in his head and it was written all over his face, if I couldn’t deal, if I couldn’t handle it, he would take me home and never darken my door again and that I just couldn’t have because I loved Reaver and even though I wasn’t ready to admit that out loud, this I could…

  “Yes. I trust you,” I said and his head cocked to the side all the warmth that his eyes could hold simply gone, his gaze as desolate as an arctic tundra. He slowly and deliberately reached into his cut, my eyes following the movement, tracking along as he withdrew one of his switchblade knives. Fear trickled along my skin as I stared at the folded knife in his hand. Long moments passed, my chest feeling like it was caving in on its self.

  “No isn’t going to make me stop,” he said and I swallowed hard, transfixed by the glitter of light along the silver fittings. “You want me to stop you say Icarus. You get me Hayden?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I croaked.

  He voiced everything I saw play on his face moments before, “You say it, we’re done Baby, I’ll take you home and I’ll leave you be with my heartfelt apologies,” he said softly. I nodded, eyes still on the knife clutched in his long fingers, more afraid of what I’d see in his eyes if I looked.

  “Say it for me once Hayden so I know you’re with me, you want me to stop you say…”