Demon Squad 7: Exit Wounds

by Tim Marquitz

  I growled, leaping across the intervening space between me and Karra, gouging my way through the opposition. We were fucked, but I wasn’t gonna let her and the baby pay for my stupidity—anymore than they already had, that is. If Mia wanted someone to hurt, she could take it up with me.

  I cut a swath in front of Karra and planted my feet in defiance. “We surrender!” Apparently my mouth had a different idea as to what defiance sounded like.

  Mia raised her voice, calling her dogs to heel. “Do you now?”

  “Yeah, Frank, do we?” Rahim asked? There was more than a hint of sarcasm in his tone. At least he’d put some effort into it.

  “Do we get a vote?” Veronica snarled as she shook blood from her blade.

  “Are we voting him off the island?” Shaw asked, shifting to glare at me. “I vote yes, if we are.”

  Venai chuckled beside her. “I’m with her.”

  “It appears you have one tongue up back here,” Ilfaar pointed out, unhelpfully.

  Chatterbox gave me yet another raspberry, clearly the deciding vote.

  “Well, meat, do you surrender or don’t you?” Mia seemed amused by the sudden rebellion tearing us apart. She had no clue it was business as usual.

  Better still, she hadn’t heard what I’d just heard. I smiled and gave a curt bow. “Oh yeah, I surrender fully…right in your motherfucking face.”

  I grabbed Karra and hauled her to the ground while Mia stared at us with amused uncertainty widening her eyes. Katon, Rahim, and Veronica, knowing me well enough to understand that self-preservation was the one real skill I possessed, followed me to the ground without my having to say another word. Shaw and the Nephilim were a little slower getting the message, but the dragon bursting through the cover of leaves above was a warning even Helen Keller would have picked up on. They hit the deck as Rala roared over our heads.

  Mia’s people—the Tenebraens as I’d just dubbed them since I was running out of things to call them—reacted accordingly. Well, close enough. I didn’t notice any of them shit themselves, but they might as well have. I was certain a few squirted judging by the sudden darkening of their loincloths.

  “Guardian!” someone screamed, the word taken up as gospel to spread through the panicked mass of Mia’s people. White eyes filled with terror, and their lines scattered like someone shouted brownies in the middle of Woodstock. Rala landed in their midst with a shrieking thump.

  Much, much larger than she had been in her alien girl form, she had all the impact of a nuke on a Nagasaki night out. To say the greenies were impressed would be to say John Holmes was just a man; a complete and total fucking understatement. I hadn’t expected Rala to do much more than show up and scare the bad guys into early retirement, but she was clearly feeling the pressure to even the odds a little bit. Nothing wrong with that.

  Her serrated tail crashed through their ranks with buzzsaw efficiency, but she didn’t leave it at that. She slapped aside dozens of the fleeing greenies with her wings, roaring as she did so. I could see the wiggle of her tongue and the flash of her massive teeth while she shrieked and snapped their direction. The only thing Rala held back on was her fiery halitosis, much to my delight. The last thing we needed was to contend with was a forest fire on top of a rampaging army of aliens.

  “We need to help her,” I shouted, darting after Rala, stabbing and slashing mercilessly at every piece of green skin I passed, doing my best to make sure they stayed down. I knew from experience we only had a short while before Rala buckled under the strain of her mutation and reverted to her normal form. I begged for her to hold on just a little longer. We only needed a route not a win.

  Mia, however, was smarter than your average bear. “Hold your ground, fools!” She pointed at Rala who had, by this time, already begun to fade, her thrashing attacks slowing clearly to anyone watching. “Since when are the guardians orange?” She must have had a hell of a lot of pull with folks because those closest to her stopped and took a second to actually look at Rala in a way they hadn’t when she’d first appeared. They’d been too busy running for their lives from a guardian to question its sudden interest in them, but Mia was stripping the illusion from their eyes.

  And that fucking sucked.

  I ran to Rala as she reached her limit, grateful she’d cleared a wide field around her before giving in to her weariness. Her flesh quavered as it began its transformation back to normal. She stumbled, nearly falling as her legs shrunk beneath her in lopsided spurts, wings shriveling. I growled as I slipped beneath her and caught her weight on my shoulder. Rala was snapping back to form quickly, and she was gonna be exhausted once the change was over.

  Fortunately, Mia was still too busy corralling her people to come at us right away. She had a small circle of them clustered about her, but the majority had managed to put some distance between them and the faux guardian, which meant Mia would have to work harder to get them organized and back on our assess. That was our cue to exit stage whatever the fuck direction didn’t involve green folks. Everyone else seemed to think that was a good idea and started to bail.

  “Wait for us,” I screamed at the others while dragging Rala’s near-comatose form along with me. She was panting and breathing heavy, barely holding on, but she was still awake, so that was a point in our favor. The kid didn’t look so good, but we weren’t out of trouble yet. We’d just added another anchor to the group, and there was no way we’d outrun Mia now.

  I went to Rahim and flung her into his side. He grasped her with his stump, sliding it under her armpit to keep her standing while I scooped up the book and Chatterbox and shoved them under his arm and in his hand, in that order. The angry shouts of the greenies grew stronger. Mia was getting them in line.

  “I need you to do something stupid.”

  “When don’t you?” he answered, but at least he seemed to be taking me seriously.

  I leaned in and told him Plan B as the others gathered about, probably wondering why I was chit-chatting and we weren’t running. Rahim sighed, even that sounding like a 70s porn star with his Barry White rumble. If we’d been filming, I’d have asked for a retake.

  “You’re going to get us killed, Frank, you know that?” he asked, not waiting for an answer. Rala and CB in tow, he turned and ran off into the trees.

  Sadly I did know. At least we were choosing how we were going out. Well, I was choosing for them, but that’s pretty much the same thing, right?

  The others went to follow Rahim but I put a hand on Katon’s arm, stopping him. “Not us, big guy. We need to make our stand here.”

  The enforcer knocked my hand away. “You realize there’s an army getting ready to run us down, right?”

  “You don’t think I’d leave us hanging out here without a plan, do you?”

  “Yeah, actually,” he answered.

  “Definitely,” Shaw and Venai said as one.

  “I don’t know you well, friend, but I’m with them, I’m afraid.” Ilfaar gave a half-mast wave at the others. “No offense, of course. You’re getting everyone killed swimmingly.”

  I turned to Karra and she kind of shrug-nodded. Even she didn’t trust me to get our bacon out of the frying pan. That would have hurt my ego if there’d been any of the little bug left to squash.

  “Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” I said, getting my weapons ready and facing off toward the Tenebraens who’d finally found their spine and were returning with a fury, Mia spurring them on.

  A collective groan sounded around me, but to my surprise, no one turned tail and ran, not even the DSI flunkies.

  Who woulda thunkit? I really wasn’t the biggest idiot in the bunch. It was a refreshing change of pace.

  My excitement at my new social standing, however, lasted all of about thirty seconds, ending pretty much right when the greenies crowded back around us, lots and lots of pokey things pointed our direction. They looked displeased.

  Mia’s pissed off sneer was like two caterpillars fucking. “All that just to die?”<
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  “You already said you didn’t want to kill us, remember?” I corrected her.

  Apparently she was a local politician, too, as she didn’t recall. “My lord will be just as happy with pieces as long as I bring a couple of you back alive.” Her people hovered alongside her, menace in the air. “We can learn what we need from them.”

  “So, do you pick the ones who survive or do we?”

  “Are we voting again?” Karra asked. “I kind of want to kick you off now, Frankie.”

  “Hear, hear!” Veronica chimed in, basically creating the dreaded ex-wife, current baby mama voting bloc no man wants to encounter.

  I gave Veronica the finger without bothering to turn around. That didn’t stop her from having the last word.

  “That’s the biggest thing you’ve ever given me, Frank.”

  I ignored her and just kept talking. “My suggestion to you, Mia, is to pack your bags and run for the hills. We won’t give you another opportunity to escape.” The outbreak of laughter reminded me of my first sexual experience. That didn’t end well for me, either.

  When things calmed down enough that Mia could actually speak, her face holding a blush quite nicely, she waved her arms about. “You think we’re going to fall for your tricks again, meat? We know your little creature is missing once more.” She shook her head. “Pathetic fool.”

  “You caught us,” I answered, meeting her with a laugh of my own. It sounded a little lackluster even to my ears, but I didn’t let that stop me. “That sound you hear is your death coming this way.”

  “I don’t hear anything,” Mia said, cupping a hand behind her ear and turning it toward the sky, her smirk sharp.

  “Neither do I,” Ilfaar offered, pretty much explaining why dear old pops wanted to bust a cap in his ass. The fucker was annoying. Maybe Lucifer would buy me a pony if I offed the guy for him.

  “What about now?” I asked. “Can you hear it now? How about now?”

  “Enough games, meat.” Mia chuckled, her backdrop of hardened killers laughing along with her. “You’ve brought a measure of excitement to my day I would not have had otherwise, but it’s time to end this.”

  “Okay.” I shrugged as a faint whisper of mystical energy set my arm hairs to standing. It was about damn time. “You win. I’m just yanking your chain. Come and get us since we’re clearly no threat to you.”

  A shriek sounded in the distance.

  The Tenebraens stiffened as one, weapon points trembling. I smiled at them, wafts of magic peppering my senses. Their eyes danced about the canopy.

  “He lies!” Mia shouted, though the look on her face was no less worried.

  “You didn’t?” Katon asked. I could feel the heat of his stare boiling my frigid blood.

  “Sho nuff, I did.” I met his incredulous stare with a grin, liking the way my eyeteeth pressed against my lower lip. It felt intimidating. “Who’s the masta’?”

  Another shriek sounded above the canopy, this one much closer than the last. A murmur of fear and uncertainty started making the rounds of Mia’s people. It was pretty satisfying to watch, but I could gloat about it later.

  “If any of you value your ass, I suggest you get to stepping.” I turned to the group and whispered, “That means us, too, folks. It’s way past time to go.”

  I managed to get the words out just before something big and mean and snarly crashed into the trees above us, the impact shaking the ground through the roots. A great serpentine face erupted from the purple foliage a heartbeat after, foul breath fogging my eyeballs as it craned its neck our direction and breathed its displeasure.

  My plan had worked. Now all I had to do was keep the guardian from killing us, and we were home free.

  I really needed to start coming up with better plans.

  Fourteen

  “That’s enough!” I screamed as I ran the short distance between the dragon’s landing strip and where I’d told Rahim to lay low with Rala and bring our hopeful savior into play. I pushed Karra ahead of me to keep her out of the line of fire. “Stop reading! Please…” It was probably too late to stop the guardian from thinking we were some kind of crunchy hors d'oeuvre with a creamy filling, but I would feel better if the little alien quit poking the hornet’s nest while my dick was still in it.

  Too bad the Dungeon Master of this particular D&D module was a right bastard.

  The guardian whipped its tail about, the tip of it catching my ankle. I expected someone to scream, “Homerun!” because it felt as if it’d taken a bat to me. The fucker was on some serious A-Rod vitamins. I hit the ground face first and probably ate about a pound of dirt before reality reasserted itself and momentum stopped driving me into the dirt. My legs slapped down somewhere behind me, still connected fortunately, and shifting my weight, and I was finally able to pull my face free. Good thing I didn’t need to breathe. Still, I’d given Mother Tenebrae one hell of memory. I wondered if she’d call me later.

  Other folks weren’t so lucky. The guardian ripped one of the greenie’s heads off just above where I lay. Warm gore rained down across my back and made me really wish I had some clothes on just so I could take them off. There were squishy bits leaking into places I didn’t even want to imagine. Of course I did, though, because that’s the kind of idiot I am.

  That particularly gooey image still clinging to me, I rolled aside and dodged a stomping foot, hoping to catch my bearings before Smaug became the lord of my O-ring. The last thing I needed was to be anybody’s precious.

  I got to my knees once I was clear, ankle throbbing something fierce, and surveyed the scene, grateful to see that Karra was a short distance off, half-hidden behind a tree. That only helped salve my ego a little. The rest of the fiasco was still kicking my proverbial ass. What had been a masterful stroke of genius inside my head turned out to be something way more problematic once it reached the outside. The greenies were scattering for real this time, so that was a checkmark on the right side of things, but I really hadn’t expected the guardian to take an interest in what we were doing once Rala stopped chanting. I figured it would sniff out the non-existent portal and fuck off like it had the last couple times it popped by. This, however, was something different. I’d brought a Pacific Rim sequel down on our asses, and I was all out of giant robots.

  “God damn it, Frank!”

  I knew Katon’s patented shout anywhere, though Scarlett would have kicked his butt for profaning the Big Guy. The enforcer danced through a hail of dragon attacks, to get behind it as the guardian tore apart a couple of green-skinned slackers who didn’t have Katon’s grace or agility. It was an interesting lesson in alien biology to see all the inner workings scattered like so much confetti. And by interesting, I really mean nasty.

  “Call it off!” he roared at me.

  I glanced back to where Karra lurked and spied Rala and Rahim beside her. The book hung in her hand, the cover clasped tight. A feeling similar to what you’d imagine your intestines falling out your ass would feel like hit me as I looked back to the dragon. It raged on, oblivious to the fact that it no longer had a portal to guard. I swallowed hard, hoping to choke on my stupid tongue and die before the creature got around to me. There was no calling it off.

  “I can’t,” I shouted back. Katon grrrr’d me.

  As for the others, Shaw, Venai, and Veronica, all black belts in the art of taking care of themselves, had circled around the conflagration when it started to get as far away from the guardian as they possibly could without leaving the area. Inwardly, I kind of thought it was because all of them wanted to see me get eaten before they bailed, which I guess was a fair consequence for what I’d brought down on our heads. Still, it didn’t make me feel good about it. I could have used some help.

  Katon pulled back to where Rahim and the others hid, leaving me all alone with the guardian, the quickly dying remnants of green people, and the old, crippled angel. The last one stuck out in my mind because he was lying there, out in the open, looking a little green about
the gills as he dragged his wounded ass away from the dragon that suddenly decided it wanted a second course of angel. It moved toward him, shrieking, batting aside greenies to get to him. Our way out was about to get munched.

  A quick glance around told me Superman hadn’t joined us while my back was turned, so that left me as the hero in residence. My cape fit as poorly as the title, but if Ilfaar hadn’t lied to us, he had information we couldn’t survive without. That meant he had to make it.

  I bit back my reluctance and charged after the dragon, tunnel vision for focus. If I dared glanced back at Karra even for an instant, there was no way I would have gone through with what I had in mind. I wasn’t even sure I still would, but options were as scarce as blowjobs. A desperate man always took the one offered, even if it came with mustache chafe or an embarrassing introduction in the morning.

  Behind the guardian by then, I nutted up and jumped…

  …right onto its back.

  “Hobble away, Ilfaar!” I screamed as I hit.

  The guardian seemed as surprised to find me there as I was about my actually having gone through with the idea. Massive red eyes rolled toward me in their sockets as I scrambled along its spiky spine and planted myself at the base of its neck where I could latch on with my legs. It stopped paying attention to Ilfaar, but the ugly look it gave as it swiveled its skull about was a less than satisfying reward for the accomplishment. It was too late to worry about it, though.

  With a serpentine grace that scared me, the guardian twisted its head about, rows of razor sharp teeth gnashing shut just a foot short from where I huddled, legs tensed to keep me stable. A hurricane of warm nastiness curled my nose hairs, its breath an abattoir of old rot. I had no clue if it could reach me, but there was a disturbing sentience in its eyes that told me it was assessing my threat level as much as I was assessing its. It was a pretty good bet it was about to shake the tick from its back if I didn’t take steps to stop it. Its wings reared back in evidence of that, trying to crush me between them. They crashed together several yards above my head, too long to strike me.