Compass (Valiant MC Book 1)

by Mary B. Moore

  “Slowly slowly catchy monkey, Hunter. You’ll get there.”

  I needed to keep him and his mom safe, and in order to do that I needed to fix myself. I already had the number of a therapist who had a practice forty minutes away and who specialized in Veteran related PTSD and now I just had to call it.

  “So,” Evan said sitting down next to me with a beer in his hand. “You call the quack?”

  I’d been sitting on a picnic table in front of the property while a crew worked on painting the inside. We’d had the property now for two weeks and with a little extra money thrown in, the place had pretty much been brought up to date already. All that we still needed was the painting to be finished and for the kitchen to be installed. The furniture was arriving the day after tomorrow so we had plenty of time.

  Focusing on guys carrying in the new bathroom fittings, I thought about how to reply to Evan.

  “Yeah. I saw him yesterday for the first time.” Piper had been allowing me to spend time with Sam, but true to her word she’d made sure that I wasn’t left alone with him. They’d been at the property a lot and had even chosen the paint colors and a majority of the furniture. We’d all been more than happy to let them make the choices for us. So long as we could lie out, sleep, relax and shit, we didn’t much care what the furniture looked like so fuck knows what we’d have chosen if we’d been left to make the decision ourselves. The guys also really liked my son and I suspected that quite a few of them were even half in love with Piper, especially after she brought five trays of lasagna over on Saturday.

  I had a lot of anxiety over Sam hurting himself on any of the tools being used, or even falling down the stairs. It really was a struggle to let him run around without me there even though the guys watched out for him and there was always someone near him.

  It was all made worse last week after I’d had a nightmare about him falling down the stairs and it had turned into him running through sand and an explosion going off next to him. I’d seen his little body flying through the air, and this time when I saw the arm beside me in my dream and I turned to the right, it was Sam staring back at me. I’d woken everyone up with my screaming and, when they’d come into my room, I had backed myself into a corner and was holding my gun out in front of me screaming his name apparently.

  I’d known that I needed help before it, but after that I’d actually made the call and had gotten an appointment ASA-fuckin-P.

  I still hadn’t had a chance to tell Piper what was going on, and I didn’t want to dirty her with the mental images of it all, but I knew I was going to have to tell her something. Not only did I need Sam to be safe and in my life, but I needed her to be too; I wanted my family. I wanted my reason to fight.

  I was struggling with how things were playing out with Hunter and Sam and myself. So many times, over the years, I’d dreamt of how it would be with us as a family, but then the news would report about a Marine being killed or our troops coming under attack and the fact that I wouldn’t know if Hunter was dead or hurt would hit me. So many nights I’d cried myself to sleep or a call would come through from a number I didn’t recognize and I’d think that that was the call that I’d been dreading telling me that he was gone.

  Now, he was back and although he enjoyed his time with Sam, there was something wrong. Dad had explained to me in more detail about PTSD at work the other day, and while I understood it, I wanted Hunter to talk to me. The fact he didn’t trust me, or want me to be part of that huge part of his life, made me doubt what I’d thought we had all of those years ago. Then again, him turning his back on me had done a good job of doing that anyway.

  We’d been together since we were sixteen and when he joined the Marines at the age of eighteen I’d supported him because I’d thought that all our hopes and dreams would still come true. I was wearing his ring and we were planning a wedding when he got sent away for the first time in 2012. A couple of weeks later, I’d found out I was pregnant. I’d written to him and had sent him copies of the ultrasounds, but they were always returned to me unopened.

  Since then, I’d sent him photos of Sam and had updated him on what was going on with his son every year, but they’d been returned too. At first I thought it was a mistake so I’d tried calling him and had left messages asking him to call me back, assuming that when he got into the camp or when he got home he’d listen to them that he’d get in touch. By the time Sam was born, his number had been deactivated and I had to accept that he’d moved on and it was just going to be Sam and myself.

  Now, he was back and I had no explanation for what he’d done. I knew life in the military wasn’t easy regardless what part of it you went into. I also knew that they had seen and done things that few of us could live with, but I didn’t understand why he’d done what he’d done. Not that I would ever judge him for what he may have done. No military personnel went into an active situation and came home without a mark on their soul. You didn’t even have to actively kill someone for those marks to imbed themselves deep into you. Our heroes came home changed in ways that the average person would struggle to live with, and then when they retired or were discharged from the Service, they had to learn to live life as a civilian without any of the routine and discipline that had become their way of life and with the guilt or memories eating away at them. Many survived it and went on to live full and wonderful lives, many gave into the trauma and couldn’t live with it. Statistics showed that one Veteran committed suicide every twenty-two minutes, heroes unable to cope and live with what they’d faced and survived. After meeting Hunter’s team, I was relieved that they’d all made it home alive, even though they were no doubt changed from the men they’d started off as, and if we could do something to ensure that life was tolerable for them and they had the support that they needed, then I would move heaven and hell to make it happen.

  I’d been discussing the situation about Hunter with my dad and the fact that he hadn’t yet explained what had happened. I had come to the hard conclusion that I was happy with him being a part of Sam’s life, even though I worried about what he’d made me promise him, but I wasn’t going to let him into my life.

  Tonight, Dad had changed my shift at work because one of our barmen was down with the flu and it was a Saturday night so the bar was busy. Mom had Sam at their house and had been excited about having him for the night. I was looking forward to getting to sleep in tomorrow morning; my son was an early riser and liked to have everyone enjoy the morning experience with him. I could now recite every SpongeBob and Dora The Explorer episode ever made.

  I walked out with a case of Corona ready to restock the fridges when it was lifted out of my hands. Looking up, Hunter was glowering back down at me and I had to stop and look around to see if he meant it for someone else.

  “Why the hell are you carrying this? It’s too heavy for you!” He fumed.

  “Um…because it’s my job?”

  “Your job? Your ‘job’ is to break your back, is it?” He sneered and I snapped.

  “Well, I carried a baby on my own, didn’t I? I gave birth to your son on my own, didn’t I? But, oh, you wouldn’t have known about that because you didn’t fucking care!” Thankfully, the noise in the bar was loud enough that no one heard me. I hated people knowing my private business and I’d spent three years getting pitying looks from people because the asshole in front of me hadn’t been in his son’s life; I’d be damned if I’d give them more ammunition.

  Hunter fell back a step and flinched like I’d slapped him, looking at me in shock, but I was done. I’d pussy footed around him, I’d let him into Sam’s life, I’d encouraged Sam to give him a chance. I’d even spent time with him and the rest of his friends in whatever the shit that was that they’d created for themselves as a home. What had Hunter done?

  Slowly, he put the box down on the bar and then he caught my wrist and pulled me toward Dad’s office. Dad was just coming out of the door as we got to it and, taking in the two of us and Hunter’s hold on my wrist, he
nodded and held the door open. I didn’t even get the chance to yell at him as well, because he shut the door in my face.

  Pulling me further into the room, Hunter put himself between me and the door and paced back and forth running his hands through his black hair that was so like Sam’s. Even the style was now the same.

  I was about to try to get to the door when Hunter started talking. I never expected to hear what he told me and I never expected to react the way I did.

  “I have blood on my hands,” I turned to face her and held my hands up in front of me. I could still see it on them even though it had been washed off years ago. “On our first mission, I had to engage in hand to hand combat with an insurgent. He came at me with a hunting knife and I deflected and his arm pushed up,” I showed her with my own, “and the knife went through here.” I pointed to the center of my forehead. “He fell on me, and as we were going down someone shot at us. The bullets hit him, but if they’d been half an inch to the left, they’d have gone through my throat.”

  I hated saying all of this to her, hated it with everything inside me. Piper was my something pure, my something precious, the one thing that kept me going through the darkest moments of my life; and now I was dirtying her with all of this.

  “When I got back to base, they examined the bullets and concluded that they weren’t ours. We’d had to cut them out of him to take back with us. After that, and after firing bullets that did cause the death of people, I couldn’t face you. You deserved better than me.” I leaned against the door and slid down to the floor and closed my eyes. I could remember all of it so clearly. “Things got worse on the other missions, and I knew that I’d done the right thing letting you live free of all of the shit that living with me would bring.”

  I looked up at her, begging her to understand what I was saying and that I thought that I was doing the right thing. She was just staring at me in shock.

  “Pipe?”

  That snapped her out of whatever fog she was in. “Don’t,” she hissed, tears now running down her face. “You cut me out of your life because you defended yours?” she asked incredulously. “You cut me out of your life because you fought for our country and if you didn’t kill, you’d most likely have been killed and whatever others were with you?” I tried to interrupt her, but she wouldn’t let me. “You cut your son out of your life for those reasons?” Her sobs were killing me now, but I had to get her to understand.

  “I did lose my men, on my last mission. And the guys that you’ve met so far, they all lost something that day too in different ways. I’m damaged Pipe. I have dreams…I’m not…”

  “NO!” She screamed, slashing her hands through the air in front of her. I’d never seen her like this and it was at that moment that I realized the damage that I’d done to her. Standing up, I went to walk to her, but she shook her head stopping me. “No. You are a hero, a warrior and your country respects you. You never gave me a chance to stand by you. You never gave me a chance to help you. You say you have dreams, so do most military personnel who come back from active duty. A lot make it, some don’t. But you never gave yourself a chance.”

  She walked across the room and reached into her purse that was on a chair by the door and threw something at me before walking out. Looking down at the floor where it had landed, I saw the engagement ring that I’d given her on her twentieth birthday lying there. I’d worked hard to save for it after I’d seen it in the shop window. I remember going in and asking Mrs. Mallen to put it aside for me, and then the moment that I proposed.

  Her words had hit me hard. I was getting help now, but I knew that the other guys suffered from the same thing I did. Instead of feeling alone and guilt ridden like I had for so many years, I was kicking myself for being so blind.

  I was going to get control back and I was going to honor my lost men. I was also going to honor the men that were still with me by showing them life after hell. We were valiant!

  “So, have you seen him since?” My friend Sasha asked as we sat finishing our wine on my couch. It had been three weeks since the show down with Hunter in dad’s office. Sasha had been away during it all, but I’d just told her what had happened and she had been shocked that I’d given him back the ring. I’d worn it on a necklace and had never taken it off until the day that he’d arrived back here, and now it was back with its rightful owner.

  Shrugging, I took a sip of my wine, relieved that I could finally have a drink and destress. “Yeah. He doesn’t want to be alone with Sam in case he has an ‘episode’, so whenever it’s their time I go to the property they have and hang out with the guys while he has time with Sam.” Sasha stayed quiet and looked into her wine. “What is it?”

  Sighing she adjusted herself on the chair so that she was facing me. “Do you think that maybe you’re being a bit…cold hearted?”

  “What?” I actually did. I’d been thinking it ever since I woke up the morning after our head-to-head, but I was too hurt.

  “Okay, so, he clearly has post-traumatic stress injury after what he’s been through, honey. It’s been eating away at him since that first mission. He told you briefly what happened to him throughout his career, but did you ever stop and think that he was meant to be in the Marines for a lot longer than he actually was? And why he isn’t in there anymore?” I gripped my glass tighter, the realization of what she was saying hitting me harder than the guilt I already felt toward him. “And the rest of his unit are with him too Piper. I’m no expert, but he said they lost a lot that day - something really bad happened I think.” Moving closer to me, she reached out for the hand that wasn’t holding the wine glass and squeezed it. “He thought he was protecting you from him. Yes, he should have opened the letters, but he didn’t want to taint you.”

  I squeezed the glass that I was holding too hard and it shattered in my hand just as there was a knock at the door. Jumping up, I looked and saw big shards of glass sticking out of my palm and blood was starting to pool out of the wounds. Sasha had never been great with blood so she screamed which was followed by heavy pounds on the front door.

  “I’ll go…” she ran to the door and opened it while I walked in the direction of the kitchen with my other hand cupped under the injured one to stop blood falling onto my carpet.

  “What the fuck?” I heard Hunter say from beside me as I walked past him to the kitchen.

  “I had an accident.” I tried to sound blasé, but I was close to tears.

  Looking over my shoulder as I stood at the sink, he hissed when he saw the state of my hand.

  “Sasha, can you look after Sam?” He asked, as he got a clean towel and put it under my hand and guided me toward the door.

  “Sure. Are you taking her to the hospital?”

  He reached out and snagged the keys to my Jeep as we walked out of the door saying a ‘yeah’ over his shoulder as he closed it. Before I knew it, I was in the car and he was backing out of the drive. I was still so shocked by my hand and also him being here that I couldn’t say anything.

  “What the fuck happened?” He growled.

  “The wine glass broke,” I whispered back.

  Pulling into the parking lot of the hospital, he parked up and we walked into the ER. This was the hospital where Sam had been born and where both Hunter and I had been born too. In fact, I’d had Sam in the ER because he’d decided he was done in my stomach and surprised all of us by giving no warning and just coming out.

  The nurse who was walking past us as we entered saw the state of my hand and immediately took us to a cubicle and went to get a doctor. Looking around, I saw the number of the small room and snorted.

  “Something funny?”

  Leaning back on the bed, I did my best to not look at my hand as I told him the coincidence. “Yeah, this was where Sam was born. Right here, in this room.”

  His eyes widened as he looked around, taking in where his son took his first breaths. Turning back to face me, he closed his eyes and lowered his head to the bed so that his forehe
ad was on it, and he was staring down at his feet. “Why was he born here? Don’t they have places for babies to come out in?”

  “He didn’t give us much warning,” I murmured.

  Hunter lifted his head and looked at me and had just opened his mouth when the doctor walked in.

  “Hello, I’m Doctor Trelawny. Okay, so it says in your chart that you had a glass break in your hand tonight, and I can see that you definitely have some glass in there,” he picked my hand up and started looking at it. I looked at Hunter in confusion because he hadn’t even verified my name or any of the normal doctor questions that they asked. “So, I’m going to order an X-ray and then once we have the results we’ll regroup and discuss them. Let me go and get that sorted out for you.” And without looking at us he walked back out again barking orders to the nurse who had just walked in.