Eddy Stone and the Alien Cat Attack

by Simon Cherry

  The chuckling crowd of people seemed to think that this was all part of some hilarious stunt, and laughed even more.

  “Hyper-energy pulse beam generator primed,” said the voice of Malvalian Grand Control. “Firing in five…four—”

  “WAIT,” said Drax. “We have a problem. The reflector wall is damaged.”

  “Can we still fire?” said Grand Control. “What percentage is damaged?”

  “Rough estimate,” said Drax. “A hundred. Ish.”

  “Assessing mission status,” said Grand Control. “Reflector wall is destroyed. Local inhabitants have developed resistance to mind control. Hero Hound is operative. Estimated probability of success of this mission – zero. Estimated probability of success of attempting this mission again – zero. Mission is terminated. All units are ordered to abandon this planet and return to Malvalia. Repeat – all units return to Malvalia. Agent Ginger Tom report for disciplinary hearing. Mission has failed.”

  “They’ve given up!” said Thursday. “They’re going home and they are not coming back. We won, kid! They are not going to take the water – not now, not ever.”

  “We did it!” shouted Eddy. And then he and Henry and Thursday and Millie shared a well-earned moment of cheering and hugging and jumping up and down and shouting their heads off. Even Brutus came arfing over with his tail wagging.

  “There’s just one problem,” said Eddy. “Drax is still on the loose somewhere. He’s not going to be happy that we beat him. And his communications interface is over there. We can’t keep everyone laughing for ever. He could take over people’s minds again and get them to do something terrible in revenge for losing. I won’t be happy till we’ve stopped that interface working.”

  “Actually, kid,” said Thursday, “you got two problems. And the other one is heading right this way.”

  The Fluffy Wuffy Cushion Bunny had heaved itself up off the ground, and was lumbering towards them, ready to sit on anything and anyone.

  “How,” said Eddy, “do you stop one of those things?”

  “Easy,” said the Professor, “have you got a spatial matrix containment mine to hand?”

  “Not only have I not got one,” said Eddy, “I haven’t the first idea what one is.”

  “I see,” said the Professor. “Then I’m afraid that you really have got a problem.”

  To understand what happened next, it is important to know that the Malvalians had originally captured the Fluffy Wuffy Cushion Bunny to try to discover how to control its brain. The Malvalians still hadn’t discovered how its brain worked, because although they had used X-rays and ultrasound scanners, and even a gigantic machine designed to pick up the Fluffy Wuffy Cushion Bunny, turn it upside down and shake it around a lot to see if anything fell out of its ear, they couldn’t find a brain in the creature’s head at all. In short, it was not the brightest alien in the galaxy.

  As the Fluffy Wuffy Cushion Bunny advanced threateningly towards Eddy and his group, it caught sight of Millie holding her cuddly Horaceboris. Apart from being ten times smaller, Horaceboris looked remarkably like a Fluffy Wuffy Cushion Bunny – lumpy blue-grey body, a wide mouth, boggling eyes, and a shock of orange hair.

  So when it caught sight of Horaceboris, the Fluffy Wuffy Cushion Bunny used all its insignificant intellect to think as follows:

  That blue-grey thing looks just like me.

  I am very large, so that blue-grey thing must be very large, too.

  The creature dressed in pink that is holding it is much bigger than it is.

  So the creature dressed in pink that is holding it must also be much bigger than me.

  Bigger things like to sit on smaller things.

  If I get too close to the creature dressed in pink, it will sit on me.

  So I must go the other way.

  The podule I got out of is the other way.

  So I must go back to the podule.

  And it turned and shambled off.

  The crowd of people clearly thought that this was the end of the show, though none of them were quite sure just what the show had been. They began to break up into small groups and wander off, chuckling and smiling to themselves.

  “It’s going away,” said Eddy. “So that’s one problem we don’t need to worry about right now. Let’s see about that communications interface.” He walked over to the silver cube and picked it up. “I know I can stop it working by taking out the sieve in a sock – I mean the hemispherical perforated whatever it was. I just have to get into it.

  “Open up,” he said. “I’m a level nine and I order you to open.”

  But nothing happened. He rubbed his hands over it. He could still feel patches of the level nine slime on his fingers. But still the communications interface would not open.

  “I don’t get it,” said Eddy. “The lid opened straight away for Drax.”

  “You probably need the mission code,” said Professor Blubblubblabblubblubblubblap. “The Malvalians usually use a six-letter password.”

  “Only six letters,” said Eddy. “That shouldn’t take too long to crack.”

  “Their alphabet has 242 letters,” the Professor added. “That’s over two hundred million million combinations. To run through them all at ten a second would take me approximately six hundred and fifty thousand of your years.”

  “That’s a bit too long,” said Millie.

  “We could hit it with something heavy,” said Henry.

  “It is designed to withstand the worst that interstellar travel can dish out,” said the Professor. “Radiation, extremes of temperature, particle storms, space nits. I don’t think that bashing it with a brick is going to work.”

  “Millie,” said Eddy, “while we’re trying to think of a way to open it, why don’t you have a little play with it?”

  “Okay,” said Millie. She picked it up and twirled it round. “What does it do? Is it bouncy? No. Does it fly? No. Can it – oh, no it can’t. What’s this bit for? I think it’s meant to…oh…”

  There was a clang as a chunk of the casing fell off the communications interface. And a clatter as bits of its innards spilled out.

  “It did break,” said Millie.

  “It may have been built to stand up to space travel,” said Eddy. “But a minute in the hands of a four year old…”

  “Four and three-quarters, thank you,” said Millie. “And I did not break it. But what would happen if somebody had?”

  “Somebody,” said Eddy, “would be a total star.”

  “I did break it,” said Millie. “I did! I did!”

  From somewhere past one hundred thousand miles away, a message was directed at the broken interface.

  “Grand Control to Ginger Tom. Can you hear me, Ginger Tom? Can you hear me, Ginger Tom?”

  But he couldn’t. Nobody could.

  They found Drax back at Eddy’s house. He was sitting next to the computer.

  I saw what you did to my communications interface. I have no other options. I surrender._

  “We’re sending you back,” said Eddy. “We’ve got a podule waiting in the woods.”

  I can’t go back, Drax typed. I have failed. Failure is not tolerated._

  “You can’t stay here,” said Eddy.

  “I will have him,” said Millie. “I have always wanted a cat.”

  “What if your mum and dad don’t agree?” said Eddy.

  “Don’t be silly,” said Millie. “They always agree. In the end.”

  Drax G’varglestarg contemplated the future. A future of three meals a day, sleeping in the sun, being waited on by humans, and having all the time he wanted to further his researches into small furred and feathered creatures.

  No work, lots of rest, servants who got things done. That sounded good. In fact, it sounded pretty much like the Malvalian way of life. Okay – he would be Ginger Tom from now on.

  I accept, _ he typed.

  “And I will call you Mr Furrytummysnugglepaws,” said Millie.

  On one condition, Drax a
dded. I will meet you halfway: Furrytummy or Snugglepaws. Not both.

  “Snugglepaws,” said Millie. “Mr Snugglepaws.”

  “Thursday, Professor,” said Eddy. “I guess it’s time to say goodbye. You can use the podule.”

  “I think I want to go with them,” said Henry. “Back into space.”

  “What?” said Eddy. “Why?”

  “I miss Ethel,” said Henry. “And she’s out there with the Malvalian fleet. We were together for a long time.”

  “Just give me a second,” said Eddy. “Professor…” He whispered something in Millie’s ear as he led her out of the room.

  They came back a few minutes later. Eddy was carrying the portable radio that he had put in his backpack as part of his plan. He handed it to Henry.

  “A present,” he said.

  “Ta,” said Henry. “But I don’t think it will be much use where I’m going.”

  “Just try it,” said Eddy.

  Henry turned it on.

  “How are you today?” said a familiar voice.

  “Ethel!” said Henry.

  “I got the Professor to tell me how to do it,” said Eddy.

  “A simple modification using the memory and voice processor from the communications interface,” said the Professor.

  “She’s got just the same databanks as the one on the Malvalian ship,” said Eddy. “So she remembers you and all the time you had together.”

  “It’s so good to hear you again,” said Henry. “I can stay here on Earth now. Come on, let’s find an oven and bake some pies. I reckon we can crack it together.”

  “It’s time we went,” said Thursday.

  “Indeed,” said the Professor. “But first I need to get out of this body. I shall almost be sorry to leave it. One has encountered so many theories about what might go on inside a tubeoid, so to actually be in here has been fascinating, surprising, and quite, quite ghastly. You shall be the subject of a detailed scientific book, young lady. And your innards have also given me a very exciting idea for an absolutely terrifying and disgusting theme park ride.”

  “Ooh!” said Millie. “My tummy is going to be famous!”

  “So,” said the Professor, “where is the exit from these tubes?”

  “I can think of an obvious way out,” said Eddy. “You can flow anywhere in Millie’s body, yes?”

  “Indeed,” said the Professor.

  “Right,” said Eddy. “We’ll need a bowl to catch you in.”

  “I can’t,” Millie said, ten minutes later.

  “Yes you can,” said Eddy. “Try harder.”

  “I am trying harder,” said Millie. “I’m thinking of really sad things but nothing is making me cry. You’ll have to help me.”

  “Um…pony in a snowstorm,” said Eddy.

  “That’s not sad,” said Millie. “That is cute.”

  “Kitten with a bandage on its paw.”

  “No.”

  “Your friend Sophie,” said Eddy, “in a princess dress much prettier than yours.”

  “Noooooooooooo!” Millie’s bottom lip wobbled. “Waaaaaaaaaaaa!”

  And the Professor flowed down her face as tears.

  They found a clean jam jar with a tight-fitting lid for the Professor to travel in. Eddy carried him into the woods, with Thursday and Millie walking beside him.

  The Fluffy Wuffy Cushion Bunny was already sitting by the podule.

  “Podule. Open doors,” said Eddy.

  At the sight of Millie, the big blue-grey beast scrambled into the cargo hold.

  “This is going to be my last order,” Eddy said. “I want you to transport that creature back to his home planet. And then take these two wherever they want to go.”

  “You got it,” said the podule. “Sir.”

  “So long, kids,” said Thursday. “It’s been a gas.”

  “With all that water, don’t you mean it’s been a liquid?” said the Professor.

  “That,” said Eddy, “was almost a joke. Keep at it.”

  Life round Tidemark Bay soon returned to normal. Almost.

  Maxton Banderfield decided to forgive Eddy for destroying his painting. It had never been one of his favourites, and besides, he’d had a sudden mysterious burst of inspiration and decided to stop painting the sea and start doing horses instead.

  Sergeant Constable found his perfect shed (thatched-cottage look, with matching wishing well) and discovered that he didn’t miss the police station at all.

  The one odd thing was the way that nobody in Tidemark Bay could quite remember what had happened for three days. Everyone’s memory was very fuzzy.

  All they had to go on was a lot of flat cars and a mysterious lack of shiny metal objects.

  Until the local news blog came out the next day.

  Eddy read the story eagerly. It was, he thought, a brilliantly written piece of investigative reporting. Especially as there was barely a single correct fact in it.

  But the people of Tidemark Bay lapped it up. It explained everything. They had been building something down at the harbour, hadn’t they? And that big grey-blue thing that some of them could vaguely remember must have been an elephant because – well, what else could it possibly have been?

  Eddy stood in the front garden, looking out into the night. They had saved the water and saved the world, and no one would ever know, apart from him and Millie and Henry.

  And that was okay.

  Clouds covered the moon. Rain was falling steadily. He wondered where his friends Thursday and the Professor were now.

  “Eddy?” his mother was calling from the front door. “What are you doing out there with no coat? You’re getting soaked.”

  Eddy tilted his head back and let the rain splash on his face.

  “I know,” he said. “It’s brilliant.”

  A selection of the jokes that prevented the world from ending…

  What do cows read in the morning?

  Moospapers.

  What is big, grey and wears glass slippers?

  Cinderelephant.

  What did 0 say to number 8?

  Nice belt.

  A penguin walks up to a policeman and says, “Excuse me, I’ve lost my brother. Have you seen him?” The policeman says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

  What do you give to an itchy pig?

  Oinkment.

  What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

  Dam.

  Why did the duck cross the road?

  It was the chicken’s day off.

  What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?

  You can’t tuna fish.

  What is white and sweet and swings from tree to tree?

  A meringue-utan.

  Where do injured insects go?

  To the Waspital.

  Why don’t polar bears eat penguins?

  They can’t get the wrappers off.

  What happened when the frog’s car broke down?

  It got toad away.

  What do you call Superman when he’s lost his powers?

  Man.

  Simon Cherry is an experienced television producer, writer and director who worked in Melvyn Bragg’s Arts Department at ITV for almost twenty years. Simon lives in Surrey with his wife, two teenage sons and their ginger cat, James, who likes three meals a day exactly on time, and a choice of beds for naps. Eddy Stone is Simon’s first series for children.

  This ebook edition published 2018. First published in the UK in 2016 as “Eddy Stone and the Alien Cat Mash-up” by Usborne Publishing Ltd., Usborne House, 83-85 Saffron Hill, London EC1N 8RT, England. www.usborne.com

  Text copyright © Simon Cherry, 2016

  The right of Simon Cherry to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.

  Illustrations copyright © Usborne Publishing Ltd., 2016

  Illustrations by Francis Blake.

  The name Usborne and the devices are Trade
Marks of Usborne Publishing Ltd.

  All rights reserved. This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or used in any way except as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or loaned or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  ePub ISBN 9781474960526