by V. F. Mason
Except for the first time I came wandering here, I usually took long walks without talking to anyone.
“I’m good.” He looked me over from head to toe and then grabbed the brush near him, passing it along to me. “Want to help me with Star, kiddo?” I nodded, and although I had no idea how to do it properly, I’d seen enough movies to know the overall process. I put one hand on her back, and slowly brushed her with the other. She nickered and I took a step back.
“Don’t worry, kiddo, she just likes the attention.” Dean chuckled, and I smiled.
“Was I doing it right?”
“Yes, just continue brushing it in that manner.” For the next few minutes, I did that silently, trying to process my life and come up with some conclusions.
Unfortunately, my mind was blank, because there seemed to be no solution for my problem. The whole process with Star eased me though, and I wasn’t as nervous as before. I’d handled a lot of shit in rehabilitation months, in this year, actually. I could take more if it meant taking myself back.
It was a good workout, too, because I felt my arms hurt slightly from all the brushing I was doing; but then, ranch work was like that. People worked their asses off on them.
“You know, kid, I’ve lived in this world for a long time. Sixty-five years, to be precise.” Dean finally spoke, and I hid my surprise at his admission. He didn’t look that old; plus, wasn’t he supposed to be retired or something? “I learned, at some point, you need to learn how to forgive yourself.” With those words, he put his brush aside and once again cleaned his hands. “I need to go finish something up. Once you’re done, you can just close the gate. Think about what I said.” He removed his cowboy hat and took off in the direction of the building the ranch guys occupied.
Closing my eyes, I froze, processing what he said, the advice he gave me.
Was it possible to learn to forgive yourself for the mistakes you made in the past? If I couldn’t do that, how would anyone else?
I took drugs, yes. It was a bad thing, and I lost almost everything in the process.
But wasn’t I learning it was a bad thing? Wasn’t I moving forward with my life? I tried to fix it.
Star moved a little and snorted, informing me she was annoyed with my stillness, so I resumed brushing her, taking a deep breath.
I needed to learn how to deal with my past, to move on from it.
To move on from Nick?
I tried to ignore my thoughts, but I couldn’t. Because until I could accept the fact that he died, until I admitted he wasn’t coming back, there would be no moving on.
And no forgiveness.
I needed to decide if I could live with myself then.
Ryan
I knew she needed time for herself to process everything, so I followed her to the stable. But once I saw she was working with Dean, I went back home. She needed space, and I would give it to her. But I had to know where she was, and if she was okay.
She was scared and, unfortunately, I couldn’t help her with this fear. She had to face it on her own.
With a frustrated sigh, I stood and looked through the living room window out onto the ranch. I loved this place because I could think here and escape the busy life I had in New York. No one understood why I needed it, or why the people who worked for me at the ranch were either too old or too young. I didn’t need money from ranching; hell, I just had horses here anyway. Basically, I was sponsoring it from my own salary and I wanted to give those people a chance.
Sometimes all you needed was a chance from someone who believed in you.
“She is the one, isn’t she?” I turned around and saw Marie standing in the doorway, holding her usual coffee mug. She had a scarf across her shoulders and a tentative expression on her face. I knew this look; it meant whatever she wanted to say she would say it, and I would have to listen.
I hated that look, but it wasn’t like I could turn her down, either.
Sneaky woman.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She snorted and sipped her coffee. “I wasn’t born yesterday, Ryan.” Fuck, she had to go and use my real name. I looked around automatically to check if Bella was around, because no way in fuck should she hear that. “Relax, she isn’t in the house.” Some tension left me and I gave her an annoyed stare. “She is the girl who you’ve had a thing for all these years, isn’t she? I didn’t understand it at first. I thought you just wanted to help her because the poor girl lost her brother. But then I saw you and her, and how you were with each other . . .” Her voice and eyes were wistful. “Do you know what you’re doing?”
“I do, and yes, she is the one.”
But did I really know what I was doing?
I thought it was the best course of action under the circumstances, but I wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
“Honey, I hope you don’t hurt her or yourself in the process. I’ve had enough of your destructive self in the past. I wouldn’t want it to repeat itself.” She gently patted my cheek and smiled. “I like her. She is a broken soul, but she is still a good soul.” Then she put her coffee mug on the table and palmed my face. “Let her go if it comes to it, okay? Some things are just not meant to be.” She kissed my forehead, something she hadn’t done since I graduated from college, and left me alone again.
She was right.
I would let her go if she decided to leave.
I would fight for us, for her, and for our future if we had one.
But if she wanted to go, I would have to let her.
God, how the fuck was I supposed to do that?
Annabella
After I was done brushing Star, I closed her door and treated her with a little bit of sugar that was on the side. Her soft mouth made me giggle; it was ticklish as hell. I washed my hands nearby, and oddly enough, my clothes were still clean, so there was no need for a shower.
I still didn’t feel like going back to the house. I knew they would arrive soon and I probably needed to practice before the mirror to give them fake smiles.
But the more I dwelled on it, the only thought that came to my mind was, “Fuck it.”
I wasn’t about to pretend anything with anyone.
The weather was slightly chilly but still good, so I decided to take a long walk around the ranch and then freshen up. Then I heard the sound of music from the ranch house with all the ranch hands.
I got curious and opened the door slightly to look inside. All the guys, which were mostly elderly men and teens, were playing the guitar and singing country songs. Actually, Dean was the one who sang the most, and everyone was just clapping, but they looked like they were having a good time. I knew it was Saturday night, so they had a day off tomorrow. And since it was the first time I’d wandered around the ranch on a Saturday night, I had no idea they had special things like that.
Nolan waved at me, bumping Mac with his shoulder to do the same. He was too occupied with lighting up his cigarette. Gradually, everyone noticed me, and Dean stopped in the middle of the song.
“Hey, kiddo, come join us!”
“No, I was just passing by. I had no idea you guys had…this thing.” God, I felt so embarrassed; they probably thought I was a nutjob or something.
Not that they were wrong about it, but still.
“Want to join us? We just sing as best as we can.” Someone snickered and Dean laughed. “Actually, we don’t know how to sing for shit, but still do it.” I pushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and bit my lip.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Why not? It’s not like we know how to sing. No one is gonna judge you here, right guys?” Everyone grunted in approval, and I realized they had no idea who I was.
I wasn’t Annabella Hastings, the lead singer of one of the most famous bands in the world.
Here I was Bella, the girl from the ranch.
And, somehow, knowing that was liberating.
“Okay.” Guys whistled and smiled, and I was fucki
ng shocked with myself.
I didn’t expect to agree, but now there was no escaping it. I looked at Dean, who still had a guitar attached on the strap on his shoulder. “May I?” There was a flicker of surprise, but he passed it to me. I sat on the chair in the middle in front of everyone. “Um, what kind of songs do you guys sing?”
“Whatever comes to mind. We’re not picky.”
“Just not love ballads.” Everyone agreed and I hid my smile; of course that would be their answer.
I tried to think of a song they would like but came up blank.
My hands still shook a little bit from the guitar, but then I remembered Nicky’s all-time favorite song. He used to put it on every time he got the chance. It was a representation of freedom for him. I’d learned to play it perfectly on the guitar as my birthday gift to him when we still used to live with our parents and I couldn’t afford a tangible gift.
I slowly started playing, but went off key several times and had to stop and take a deep breath. Thankfully, none of the guys said anything, they just waited for me. I cleaned my wet palms on my shorts and started again, this time doing it right. As I closed my eyes, all the memories I had with Nick flashed through my mind, especially the moments where he would bring me food and protect me—all the good stuff. I remembered one day when I was playing and singing this song while he and Megan danced to it under the rain. That brought a smile to my face and, finally, after the intro, the words came.
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
My voice was strong enough for the song. It was still raspy, but way better than it was the first time I sang with Nate.
Nicky laughed and he turned to me. “Come on, baby girl, go on. My girl needs to learn how to dance!” he teased, as he grabbed Megan and twirled her while she squealed in fear.
I could almost smell the fresh scent of the ground after the rain, and emotions of utter happiness washed through me, the same as I felt back then. My fingers started to shake, but then I heard his voice again in my head: “Don’t listen to Megan. Play, Bella. Just play.”
My fingers were aching from the lack of practice, but I kept on playing.
“Come on, Bella. Let’s have the guitar intro you showed off on my birthday. Then I can pick Megan up.”
“Nick, don’t you dare—”
“Here it comes!” With a laugh, he picked her up as I watched them with a smile. They were in love and he was happy.
I was happy.
“Bella, please stop it! I can’t take it anymore!” Megan’s voice was breathless and she tried to get away from Nick, but at the same time she was afraid to make a wrong move in his arms because she didn’t want him to drop her on the ground.
“Don’t listen, Bella. Keep playing. Just keep doing what you are doing.”
I knew the tears were streaming down my face, but that didn’t stop me. I kept on playing.
Like I always did.
Ryan
“I would say it’s good to see you, man, but I would be lying.” It was hard not to chuckle at this honest admission from Jeremy. They just arrived in the Jeep I sent after them, and we were standing at the gates. I tried to get ahold of Bella. I knew she wasn’t in the stables, so she probably went to take a walk.
“Same here, man.” We grabbed each other in a one-arm hug as I looked behind him. The rest of the girls were standing there, and for the hundredth time, I was shocked as fuck how they became a band with so many differences looks-wise. One of them looked like an all-American sweetheart, another like a pin-up actress from the ‘50s, and the other like a girl from Hell’s Angels. Interesting group they made, I would give them that.
They weren’t exactly friendly with me, so I didn’t expect a warm greeting. Then I noticed they were frozen on the spot and looking in the direction of Dean’s house, where the guys used to chill together. That confused the fuck out of me.
Until I heard the voice and music.
Fuck, it was a guitar.
“Is that my girl?” Jeremy asked, and no one bothered to answer him because the girls ran to the house while Jer and I followed.
We all stopped dead at the picture in front of us.
Bella was sitting in the middle of the room, singing “Hotel California” by the Eagles with all her heart. The guys looked at her with awe, and no one made a sound. Her eyes were closed and I saw tears streaming down her cheeks and onto the guitar, but she kept playing, doing nothing about it.
I knew who loved this song, and judging by the intake of the breath of her friends, they knew it, too.
The long guitar solo came into play. Her notes were slightly off key, but they were sure, and she did it brilliantly. It was like she wasn’t even present, like her mind was somewhere else while her body made the command to play.
She finished, her voice soft but raspy. The song was long and she probably didn’t drink much before; combine that with the desire to cry and it probably hurt like hell. I noticed her fingers were red and slightly chipped. She opened her eyes and blinked, as though she only now realized where she was. The guys snapped out of their haze and all clapped.
“That was amazing, girl!”
“Well hell, kiddo, you can crash on our Saturday anytime with a voice like that.”
“That was freaking awesome!”
She put the guitar aside and bit her lip, trying to smile, but it trembled. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t fake it. I was about to rush to her to comfort her and take her the fuck away from there and care for her sweet little fingers when a cold, loud voice stopped me.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
Annabella
I had no idea where I was when I finished the song. I was completely in the past moment with Nicky. For the first time since the accident, I cried for him and tried to control it, but for some reason, my body didn’t oblige. My fingers ached and so did my arms. It felt like they were burning. Wouldn’t be the first time I got injured playing. They were probably blistered. I didn’t care for physical pain.
It was like my body and mind were on the brink of some kind of realization, which I didn’t want to happen. I had no control over the situation.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
Everything froze inside me at this voice.
Sam.
I turned my head to the door and the breath caught inside me.
Jeremy, Jane, Ariel, Sam, and Nate were all there, and probably heard me.
Nate.
I wanted to run into his arms, because I knew he would make it all better.
He would protect me from this, from my feelings, and would let me forget it in his arms.
But I couldn’t do it.
I had to face it.
“Sam,” I said, and tried to clear my throat, but it was painful. I needed water and, plus, two songs in one day was a bit much for me right now.
She was looking directly at me, and there was anger and fury in her eyes.
She didn’t move on; she didn’t forgive. What did she want with me then? I wasn’t sure I was ready for her anger, but I had to face it.
It was hard to see her eyes. I felt ashamed and dirty, something I hadn’t in a while, and part of me hated her for it.
I thought they could move on from this.
Clearly, I was wrong.
“Hey.” I tried to start the conversation again, past the lump in my throat. Thank God I was able to speak. She stayed silent, and finally I found the courage to be bold again. “Are you gonna say anything or are you just gonna stay like this for the rest of the visit?”
I got it, she was angry with me.
I preferred she tell me that right to my face.
I hated when people treated me with coldness and silence. I wanted to have everything out on the table.
“How could you?” Her voice was harsh, accusing, cold, and heated, all at once.
“I had my reasons, and you know it.” I never expected her to jump into all this right at th
e moment she came, but I guess we had to deal with it now.
“Bull-fucking-shit you had reasons. You weren’t alone. You had us. You had the band. We had music. We were all there for you in any way you needed us. How could you? How could you chose drugs and Logan over us?”
“I didn’t choose anyone over you,” I said quietly, though her voice was loud and we weren’t alone. I didn’t want to look at anyone. They were all about to know my secret now, even Marie was here with them. She must have come because of all the noise. I fisted my hands and tried not to cry out from the pain that brought me. I forgot my hands were sore.
“That’s a lie! At least have the courtesy to admit you’ve ruined everything.” I did, sort of; but was it fair for her to come down on me like that? If she didn’t want to see me, if I disgusted her so much, why couldn’t she just stay away from me? I knew we had to play together, but she didn’t need to have any encounter with me for it. She could have ignored me completely. I knew her well enough. If she wanted something, she would have it, most of the times.
As much as I knew I fucked up, I expected more from her. We were friends for almost a decade. Didn’t that mean anything?
“Sam, if you hate me so much, why did you even come?” I looked at her tentatively and noticed how her jaw clenched and her eyes narrowed. Her hand rolled into a fist.
She was pissed.
But what else was new?
“I wanted to see you and ask you that one damned question. To see if you have gotten any better and if you could admit to your mistake. No way in hell would I have you come back when you’re still hiding behind that excuse of yours. The girls have been telling me it’s been three months and all this wasn’t like you in the first place. I came here to ask you why, but you can’t even give me an answer. Apparently, nothing has changed.” She almost spat those words, and no matter how much I knew I deserved it, it still hurt.
I knew with clarity, in this moment, if it was completely up to her, she would exile me and wouldn’t think twice about it.
“I can’t give you an answer? Or is it that I can’t give you the one answer you want to hear?” She forgot we were best friends; well, to her, probably ex-best friends, but still.