by T. Styles
Jayden Phillips
March of 2004
Fort Washington, Maryland
I play with my pussy too much. I play with it when I’m scared. I play with it when I’m tired and I play with it just because. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better. I’m about to go at it again, until I hear something outside. I hop out of bed and look out of my window. My neighbors Sebastian and Luh Rod who live down the street, are looking up at my house. It seems like they’re always around my house…watching me.
The good thing is Sebastian is so sexy he can be a model. His skin is dark chocolate and his hair is short but very curly. The thing that really stands out about him is his eyes. They’re ice blue, like a white person’s. I never seen a nigga with blue eyes before and I wonder if they real. Sebastian has a small lightning tattoo under his eye and since I don’t talk to him outside of hi and bye, I never found out what it stood for. His brother Luh looks regular enough with his long dreads down his back. What do they want with me?
I lift the window and yell, “Can you please tell me what the fuck ya’ll doing in front of my house?” My long hair falls in my face and I pull it behind my ear. “You creeping me out.”
“Why, you scared?” Sebastian smiles and for some reason, my heart melts.
His thumbs are stuffed under the buckle of his belt and he stands like a cowboy. No matter what day it is, Sebastian wears the same outfit, a white t-shirt, blue jeans and grey New Balance’s. He’s always fresh but also the same.
“I’m scared enough to call the police.” I warn.
“Sexy, ain’t nobody gonna fuck wit’ you.” Luh Rod looks over the mansion. “We just love to look at this big pretty house of yours that’s all. Us lesser people gotta live in run down spots on the same block. What ya’ll do, have this mothafucka built or something?”
“When you gonna invite us in, Jayden.” Sebastian grins. He seems wicked.
My heart rate increases. I slam the window down and rush toward the phone to call the police. With the phone in my hand I return to the window but they’re gone. They’re going to rob us one day, I’m sure of it. I wouldn’t feel so unsafe if my boyfriend Evan or as he likes to be called, Shaggy, was here with me. I still remember the day we hooked up officially. It was right after I learned that he killed my boyfriend and his old friend, Xion because he was jealous we were together. Because I met Shaggy first, I couldn’t believe he’d take a life for me and something about it turned me on.
So I went over his house, got on my knees and sucked the skin off of his dick. Believe me when I say Shaggy was whistling my name when I was done. He wondered how I did it so good but I could never tell him about what I went through in Texas. It probably wouldn’t matter anyway. I had nightmares about being forced to suck Joseph’s dick for three days straight, while my so-called friend Armanii watched. They got what they deserved later though and I’ma leave it like that.
Even my mother didn’t know how I attained my skills when she called herself trying to teach me how to suck dick with a carrot. All she kept doing was cheering me on when the vegetable disappeared in my throat, with no gag. The only thing I hadn’t done was fuck yet but I was saving the goodies for Shaggy.
Something was different though. Because over the months we’d been together, he wasn’t the same. He seemed distant ever since somebody murdered his father, Paco. To hear Shaggy tell it, Paco was the strong member in the family since his mother Trip was dying from complications of Syphilis. Apparently she caught it as a kid, never got it treated and now it was too late. I met her once and she was half blind and on her last leg. I couldn’t help but think that maybe if she died things between us would be better. Am I wrong for wanting him focused on me?
It was because of Shaggy my business, Thirteen Flavors, was doing well. At first things were rocky until I had him go get Passion, my star bitch, from a hotel. She was with some girl/boy probably shooting heroin. I never got all of the details on what happened to Passion’s boyfriend that night but they both told me it ended badly.
I pick up my phone and try to call him and again he doesn’t answer. Push a girl a little and she learns to be tough but push her a lot and she snaps. I like my life in order. I like things to move a certain way. My way. It’s called stability. He knows that so why is he acting like he doesn’t care? I call him once more and when he finally answers, I lose my mind. “Shaggy, why you ain’t answer the fucking phone? Don’t fuck with me!” My temples throb as I think about all the things I can do to him. With my bare hands if I’m mad enough.
“Baby, I had something to do. I told you that.”
He sounds sincere but I’m not positive. “Are you sure?”
“Yes! What you think was happening?”
“Did I do something wrong, Shaggy? Say something wrong? Or anything like that?” I feel like I’m losing him. Everything in me tells me he doesn’t want me anymore, but why?
“No!” He sighs. “Why you always think you said something wrong because you don’t talk to me every hour? You know niggas after me and shit.”
“I know and I want to help you.”
“But you can’t.”
“I can. But you just gotta trust me.” My body trembles. “I don’t want you to leave me. I want us to be together forever. Even if I gotta kill us to make that happen.”
“I won’t leave you, Jayden. But you gotta give me my space, baby.”
“Space?” I frown and brush my toe against the baseboard in my room. “Since when do you need space?”
“Jayden, I been meaning to talk to you about this. I mean, you starting to crowd me and I’m gonna need you to back off a little.”
I freeze in place. “So you saying it’s over?”
“No! I’m not saying that! I’m just saying I need a little time. Please.”
He hangs up and at that moment, I want his existence crushed, the way he’s trying to crush mine. So I call him back and say, “I’m gonna come over your house after my company leaves. You better be there when I knock on that door.”
“Don’t threaten me.”
“No! You don’t threaten me. You belong to me, Shaggy. That was our agreement.”
“We haven’t even fucked yet!”
“That’s not my fault. You afraid to be around me. And when we do see each other it’s rushed.”
“Jayden…”
“Jayden, shit!” I yell gaining control of the conversation. “Now you said you wanted to be with me and I agreed. But now that you got my heart, nigga, you better act right. Like I said, I’ma be there when my company leaves. Don’t go no where.”
Shaggy has me fucked up if he thinks he can just play with my heart. That wasn’t happening. I purposely shielded my feelings for fear of being thrown off. I like stability. Did I say I need stability? This kind of shit pushes a girl away. Makes her crazy.
When I hang up on him, I wait for my sister to call back. It had been a while and finally we would see each other again. Things got so crazy since the last time I saw her. For starters, our aunts and mother were fighting over who owned Concord Manor and now that the courts were involved, only they could decide who was right and who was wrong. To make matters worse, my mother had to register as a sex offender and wasn’t allowed near small children because of that boy she fucked in the bushes in front of our house. My own personal world is being rocked too because although Passion was back on my clock, she was constantly asking for me to release her from obligation but I can’t right now. I need her.
When my sister finally arrives, I open the front door and look at her for a moment. The jeans she’s wearing drowns out her body and removes her curves. She looks like a boy to me. I think I even see a bulge between her legs. What is that? Why she wanna be that way when we were lied to for so many years? I want a girly twin, who I can do makeup with, go shopping and stuff like that. And what’s up with the red curly hair? The shit is creeping me out. When I move closer, I try to look into her eyes to see how she feels about me but they�
�re hidden more than usual with the brim of her baseball cap. Something doesn’t feel right.
Yeah I could’ve gone to see her when she was in the institution, but life got too busy. So overwhelming. My mother is drinking so much, the hallway stinks when she pisses. And I need to make money to keep the bills paid around here. So what could I do? I couldn’t leave.
Trying to ease the tension, I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her but she doesn’t hug me back. “Still mad at me?” I ask separating myself from her before closing the front door.
“Naw. Been through a lot.” She walks around me. “I see ya’ll really fucked up this house. Where’s all the furniture?”
“Aunt Ramona and Aunt Laura sold it. It’s a long story.” They said that although the house was in dispute the furniture belonged to them. “Well come up to my room. So we can talk.”
Madjesty follows me upstairs. “Where is Harmony? I got to see her before I leave.”
She sounds angry. Ma’s life is already fucked up; she doesn’t need Madjesty making it worse right now. “Why?”
“Don’t worry about all that,” Madjesty smiles and it looks weird. “Just know that before I leave, I got to see her. Cool?”
“Cool.” We make it to my room and I sit on my bed and rub a place for her to sit next to me. Like Armanii use to do before I killed the sick bitch. “Sit down next to me.”
She stuffs her hands into her pockets. “Naw. I’ll stand.”
I place my hands in my lap, my nails are chipped and need to be done. “So what you been up to?” My feet swing under my body. Why does being around her feel so awkward?
“You mean besides losing one of my best friends, getting raped, shot and being committed in a crazy house for a month?” She laughs.
My eyes widen in shock. I don’t think that’s funny. “What?”
“Yeah. Life for me was fucked up!”
Her lips say one thing but her expression says another. At the moment, she looks anything but bothered by the incident. How does she do that? I think about what Joseph did to me almost everyday. It’s tough keeping secrets but I guess with anything, you get better with time.
“I’m so sorry, twin.” I stand to hug her and again she rejects me and backs away. “Why didn’t you call me, Madjesty? I told ma over and over I wanted to talk to you. I knew she knew where you were but she was keeping that info top secret.”
“She never told you I wanted to talk to you?”
“Never.” She looks like she doesn’t believe me and it hurts.
“Where is your father? You guys still close?”
“We’re close but a lot of shit been happening between your father and mines so I’ve been seeing him less these days. I’ve been busy anyway.” I shrug. “So it’s not too bad.”
“Shit going on with our fathers like what?”
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” I tell her in a low voice.
“See…that’s why we’ll never be like we use to be.” She points at me. “Ever.”
“Don’t say that.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder, trying to calm her down. But when she shoots me an evil look, I move away. “We…we gonna be close like we use to. We just have to work on it.”
“You mean how we were working on it before I left?” She’s being sarcastic. “Because if I can recall whenever I reached out to you, you never had the time. And then when you made the time you would take it back by standing me up.”
“That was then! I think we can be better now. I think we can be like the kids we were in Texas.”
“Never.” Madjesty says playing with the perfume bottles on my dresser. “Things will never be the same.”
“Okay…you want me to open up?” I have to make this connection tighter between us because she isn’t helping me. “And keep it real with you?”
“I want it if you want it. But I’m not pressing you no more.” I can tell she’s given up and it’s like I don’t matter now.
“I want it.” I insist, wishing I hadn’t let so much time come between us now. “And if we gonna be close, we have to stay out of our fathers’ business. Their beef has torn us apart.”
“I don’t have a problem with staying out of their business.”
“Okay…tell me where you been?”
“Before I do that, answer my initial question. What kind of beef do our fathers have?”
“Okay…I’m gonna trust you first. My father is after yours because he thinks he kidnapped his friend Antoinette.”
She looks guilty. “Tell me something I don’t know already.”
“Okay…well your father has admitted to having her but now he’s changing the game. He’s saying if my father doesn’t pay him five hundred thousand and hand over Shaggy, Paco’s son, then he’s going to kill her.” Just the thought of losing him makes me sick.
Madjesty grins like she’s proud of Kali. “So why doesn’t he do it?”
I frown and try to conceal my disgust. “He’s torn. Because Shaggy is my boyfriend and I love him. I don’t want to lose him and don’t even understand why Kali wants him.” Madjesty’s pushiness is irritating. “You see?”
“You know Shaggy like that? I mean, I know you knew him, but when shit get there?”
“Why?” What difference does Shaggy make to our situation? “I just said he’s my boyfriend. Do you know him, too?”
“Yes.”
“How?”
“Well, let’s just say that he raped me. He raped me and sucked on my chest in front of my girlfriend before he took her away. And when he was done, he shot me in my arm and left me for dead.” Madjesty laughs insanely. Again.
When her statement exits her lips, I’m dumbfounded. This doesn’t make sense. “You were the boy/girl they were talking about?”
“I guess.” She pauses and an insulted look covers her face. “I don’t know what story you were told. But then…check it…I get to the hospital and I cut my breasts off.” She lifts her shirt to show her mutilated chest and I back away against the wall. I know my sister wants to be a boy but would have never thought she’d go so far.
“…they thought I was crazy so they committed me.” I tug my right ear. “Can you believe it? They thought I was crazy because I didn’t want any part of my body that he touched. They couldn’t understand that so they said I’m crazy!” She laughs harder and I think she’s been released from the institution too soon. “Well maybe I am!”
I rub my temples. “I…I don’t understand. You…you were Passion’s boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“They said they killed some dude/girl but…but I didn’t know it was you.” I pause to analyze everything Shaggy told me about that night, against everything she’s telling me now. “Had I known it was you I would’ve never told Shaggy to kill you.” I know she doesn’t believe me but I’m being honest. We have our shit between us but she’s my sister and I love her.
“Hold up.” she moves closer. “You gave the order for him to kill whoever she was with didn’t you? Because that’s what he said.”
“Yes. But I didn’t know it was you. I would’ve never given the order for some shit like that! Ever. Think, Madjesty, how would I know you were posing as a boy? And how would I know you were with Passion? I never saw you guys together at school.”
“That’s because I never went to school and neither did she.”
I have a moment of clarity. She came to hurt me. “More shit happened then I know about in that motel room. So let me go make us something to drink so we can talk about all this shit and get it out in the open. Sit down, sis.” She does. “You still drink Henny?”
“That’s all I’ll ever drink.”
I smirk and say, “I’ll be right back.”
I can tell in her eyes that she means to do me harm so there’s one thing I can do to protect myself, and that’s tell my father where she is. If he has her in his possession, maybe Kali will leave my boyfriend alone and let us go on with our lives. So I go into the kitchen to make the c
all.
“Hi, Kreshon. When you talk to my father can you tell him to call me back? She’s here but I’m not sure how long I can keep her! I’m sure Kali will give Antoinette back now if my father kidnaps Madjesty. Then maybe Kali will leave my boyfriend alone too.”
“Okay, Jayden. I’ll tell him.” He says. “Just keep her there.”
I feel like a traitor after I finish the call but I did what I had to. I know he won’t hurt her. He’ll probably negotiate with Kali and maybe all this will be over sooner than later. Once upstairs, I hand her the drink. She downs it as if it is cold water and she hadn’t had any in days. “Thanks, sis.” She grits her teeth.
“No problem.” I look pleased. “I love you so much, Mad. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I love you, too.” She steps close to me and out of nowhere, crashes the glass against my left ear and knocks me to the floor. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She stands over me. “Did I just cut your pretty little face?” My blood is everywhere. I see it. I feel its slickness. “The funny thing is, you really look like mama now.”
My face is warm and sticky and the pain isn’t as bad. It just feels cold. But then, well then the pain turns blinding. It hurts so badly now my face feels like it’s burning. “Why did you do that?” I ask from the floor.
Madjesty drops down to her knees. “So what’s the plan? To get back at my father you decided to sell your own sister instead?”
I always had problems hearing out of my right ear. People would call my name and think I was ignoring them when I couldn’t hear the best all the time. But now it sounded like water was in my good ear because I could barely hear her voice. I focus on reading her lips.
“You love him that much more than me?” She asks.
“I don’t want Kali to kill Shaggy. And if Jace has you, he won’t do it. I love him and you know Jace would never hurt you.” I’m so scared now. I feel helpless.
“Now he’s Jace, huh? Not daddy?” She hates me. I made her hate me. “So you would trade me for Shaggy?”