by T. Styles
I step a few feet away from him and look down at my shoes. The black Christian Louboutin peep toes I just had to wear. It’s amazing, you can look like a million bucks but be worth none. I feel lightheaded. I’m just a kid. Why was I going through all of this alone anyway? I’m about to fall out when the funeral director pulls up in a red Mercedes. Through the dark tint in his windows I can see his face. He’s probably in his late forties and the car color is over the top for his age.
I push through the crowd and approach him at his car. He has a grin on his face, which is different than the one he wore when he helped me plan the service. ‘You need the best casket, Jayden. You need the best limousine. You need the best headstone. And if you’re having a repast, which we can also help you with, you need the best food too.’ I didn’t know my father for a long time, but the time I did was special. I wanted him to have the best but I didn’t know I couldn’t afford it.
Mr. Grover, has extra thick eyebrows and a long face. He eases out of his Benz and walks straight up to me carrying a black shiny cane, with gold posts at both ends. His eyes roll from my feet to my breasts and stay there. “Ms. Phillips, Ms. Phillips,” he grins again and grabs both of my hands, placing them into his. “Why do you get more beautiful each time I see you?” His comment is out of place. “Mighty, mighty refreshing you are.”
My voice is calm. “Mr. Grover, I think there’s a problem. You said I could pay you for the service after it was over. If I’m not mistaken, you said you’d give me a month.”
He looks confused and pulls his hands away from mine. I’m glad. They’re wet. “I never said anything like that.” He chuckles, shaking his head from left to right. “I’m running a business, beautiful.” He places his hand over his chest. His pinky finger sports a ruby gold ring. It’s too tight and his finger looks swollen. “Not a charity.” He’s lying. Why?
“So where the fuck did she get that from then?” Kreshon asks with a stern voice above my head. I didn’t know he was behind me, but I’m glad that he is. “Now we got friends and family out here,” he steps between us, “and this is disrespectful to my nigga’s legacy.”
Mr. Grover appears to be irritated by his presence. “And it’s disrespectful to my legacy for you to think I’d do a funeral for free.” He removes his black suit jacket and throws it over his arm. “I mean have you had a chance to look in there? Everything is beautiful!” He looks at me again and I finally see his snake-like eyes. How did I miss them before? “Now you know, there are ways to work it off. A body like yours can earn a few bucks.”
I squint. “You better slow down,” I warn him. “Slow way down.”
He blinks rapidly. “Well either come up with my money, or take your dead father with you. It’s entirely up to you.” He walks away leaving us alone.
Kreshon follows him at first like a shadow, until I pull him back. He steps in front of me and rubs my shoulders. My head is low because my heart is heavy. “I’m sorry about this shit, baby girl.” In a less defensive voice than he used with Mr. Grover he says, “Jayden, we may have to plan this for another day. I don’t think this dude is budging.” He’s talking to me but looking in his direction. I can feel his malice. “Fuck!” he yells and I jump a little. “I feel like hurting this dude!”
I look up at him. The sun stands behind him like an intimidating bodyguard, forcing me to squint. “Then do it.”
The anger drains from his face. He looks at me seriously. “Jayden, don’t give me an order you don’t want carried through. I’m not that kind of man.”
I swallow. “I want him held up and those doors open. Whatever you gotta do to make that happen, including taking his life, I’m with that shit.”
****
Kreshon makes it happen. Not sure how he did but he does. When we finally walk into the home, just as Mr. Grover said, everything is beautiful. The flowers. The decorations. It’s breathtaking. Better than I could’ve imagined. My only nervousness at this point is seeing his casket again. I don’t have the strength to do this alone and I miss my sister more. I hate myself for being weak for her.
I smooth the back of my dress and am about to take a seat in the back. Kreshon sees me from the front, looks puzzled and moves my way. When he reaches me he says, “Your seat is up front, Jayden. You gotta go up there.”
I sit down. “Why I gotta go up there?” Who are you my new daddy or something?
“Because it’s what a person does when a member of their family dies. People want to offer you their condolences. They can’t do it if you’re sitting back here.” He takes my hand. He’s acting like he’s my father but I was about to bury mine. “Now come with me up front.”
I ease my hand out of his and I think he’s confused. The fact that I’m a child stops at my age. I’m being forced to make grown woman decisions and I want grown woman respect. “You know what I needed,” I look up at him, “for people to offer me their money. They can keep their condolences.” Surprisingly he looks like he understands. “Anyway I prefer to sit back here for many other reasons too.”
“Like what?”
“I want to see who’s really here for him and who’s here just to be nosey. You be surprised what you learn about people when you quietly watch.” I give him a look so that he knows my statement is meant for present company included. I remove my stare and focus on the area my father will be in a little while. “I’m not going up there, Kreshon. So how ‘bout you hold that front seat down for me.”
“Alright, Jayden.” He looks frustrated and is about to walk away.
“What happened? To the director?”
He stops and walks back over to me. “You really want to know?”
“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t.” I hate when people did that type of shit. Just tell me.
“Me and my mans sat him down and had a conversation with his face. After that, he made a call to his employees so that they would know the funeral was back on. Needless to say he was mad, so to cool him off a little, we left him in the trunk of a car away from the funeral.” I smile and watch him stroll off. I like him. A lot.
Before long the place is jammed pack. I can’t believe how many people are here and more are coming. Things are fine until Metha dashes up to me and says, “Jayden, somebody just dropped some trash out front. We tried to get him to take it with him but he refused. Some disrespectful type shit.”
I stand up and move in the alley of the home, bumping an older woman walking inside in the process. “What are you talking about?” Not more drama. I tug my right ear. I guess out of habit.
“Let me take care of it. You been through too much already.” She dips before I get an answer.
“I’m going with you.”
Once outside, she immediately jumps in a bald-headed man’s face, who is sitting out front in a burgundy Toyota pick up truck. “Why are you leaving this shit here! Take it with you!”
“Look, I’m just doing what she asked. I spent too much time here as is. I gotta go home to my wife.” He speeds off, almost crushing Metha’s toes under his wheels in the process.
While Metha curses at his license plate, I search for the trash everyone is up in arms about. Wherever it is I’m sure we can find a dumpster for it out back. I spot it some feet out, in front of the sign that reads, Jace Sherrod’s Homecoming Service. Now I see why Metha is mad. It’s huge and right in the front. When I walk closer, the trash moves and I jump back. It isn’t until it rolls over that I see my mother’s face. I run up to her. What is she doing out of bed? She hasn’t fully recuperated from her recent stab wounds yet.
“Mommy, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be in bed!” She’s drunk and probably unaware of how terrible she looks.
She reaches out for me. “Jayden, h-help me up.”
This is Déjà vu. I had taken care of my mother all of my life and am at it again. I extend my hand and she stands up. Barely. “Mommy, why did you come here like this?” I look around to see who is watching. Everyone is. “You can’t be her
e.”
Her face is ash gray and she’s wearing a silver dress under a men’s oversized black suit jacket. “Jayden, remember when you were a kid and I asked you to tell me you love me after I’ve made your life a living hell?”
I nod. I think about that day often. Instead of giving her a lot I say, “Yes.”
With tears in her eyes she says, “That day has come.” She smiles but it isn’t complete. “I need to hear you love me even though I’ve taken your father from you.” My nose itches. I want to cry. I want to slap her in the eyes.
“So you’re admitting that you’re infected?”
She nods. “Yes. Do you love me now?”
I try to say I love her but at the moment I hate her. The kind of hate that makes you violent. It’s the same feeling I felt when I burned Armanii’s house down. But I want to prove her wrong more than anything. I want her to know that despite all she’s done, I’m still here for her. “Ma, I told you there wouldn’t be anything you could do, to make me hate you.” I swallow. “I love you and I meant that.”
She hugs me and I breathe in her earth smell. She wipes her tears away. “Please take me inside. I gotta see him.” She’s sobbing and my heart rips into pieces. I can count the times on my fingers where I saw her cry. “I need him to know that I’m sorry and that I always loved him too.”
Too? Had he professed his love recently? “Mommy, you can’t go in there like that. I’m sorry.” I think about all I went through today, to make things perfect. Everything I endured. I didn’t need her being loud and ridiculous and ruining everything. “I’ll give you one of his programs or something.”
She looks directly into my eyes and I can finally see she’s broken down. “Please, Jayden. I gotta be in there with him.”
When I turn around everyone is still staring at us with their judgmental eyes. Out of spite, I put my arm around her, walk her inside and she sits next to me in the back. Who were they to judge? Some of the mothafuckas in here might be murderers. My mother isn’t the best. She isn’t even decent but I’m alive and as long as I live, I’ll never abandon her.
We are sitting down for a few minutes before Kreshon pushes an attractive man up to us in a wheelchair. Kreshon was looking at my mother but she’s so drunk she focuses only on my father’s picture in the front. “Jayden, this is Tony Wop, your father’s cousin.”
I smile and extend my hand. He doesn’t accept.
“He’s not well mentally.” I drop my arm. “He was poisoned at a party we threw for your father a long time ago,” Kreshon looks at my mother again and I wonder why. “They put him in a mental institution because he was never the same after that shit and took a hammer to his head. He got into his skull and almost died. I just wanted you to meet him.” They roll away.
All he did was embarrass me. If he can’t speak, why bring him back here? When they finally bring the casket inside, I feel my body tremble. It’s silver and black and is beautiful. When I hear loud rattling, I look over at my mother. She’s shaking so hard, the button on the men’s jacket she’s wearing knocks against the wooden bench. She’s a wreck. I need her to be there for me, to be a mother, yet here I am having to play mother to her.
I feel alone until I smell a strong scent of weed and someone places their hand on my shoulder. I turn around and see Olive’s naturally curly Afro and those signature long eyelashes. She’s drop dead sexy even though she’s high. Everything about her is real and that’s why I fuck with her. I immediately feel bad for ignoring her calls because all she wanted to do was be there for me. Her legs are crossed and she’s playing with the two silver balls I always see her with. They go in and around her fingers and she smiles at me.
To her right is Passion, who grins weakly. She brushes a few tentacles of her long black hair away from her face and places her hands in her lap. She looks clean, like she isn’t using anymore. Now I can see why Madjesty’s attracted to her and the thought makes my tummy sick.
“What are ya’ll doing here?” I ask Olive. I’m smiling for the first time all day.
I read Olive’s lips. “You wouldn’t answer the phone, Jayden. So I found out about what happened to your father and came to support you. Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.” I lie. “I just want this to be over.” Her being here is some real shit. I had been avoiding her since Madjesty raped me and yet she came anyway. “Thank you for coming.” I look at Passion and say, “you too.” Even though I don’t know Passion’s motives. They sit back in the seats behind me and I smile again. I know Olive is here so suddenly I’m not alone.
As I focus back on the casket, I feel extreme warmth over my hand. When I look down, I see my mother’s hand over mine. Her nails are dirty and her fingers feel gritty. But I don’t care. It just feels good to be touched by her, even if it’s because she’s scared.
Service is moving along swiftly until someone kicks open the doors and yell, “Where is that bitch? Where the fuck is she?” She’s angry and the mood changes immediately. I guess you can’t have a black funeral without drama.
Everyone in the funeral home turns around to investigate the owner of the voice. It comes from a big woman wearing a long turquoise Muumuu. Her hair is wrapped in the same material. But it’s the knife in her hand that has my attention. “Where is that slut?” Tears pour out of her eyes as she looks around. “I want to see the bitch who killed my nephew now.” The hair on the back of my neck stands up. She wants my mother.
I look in the back to find an exit but someone in the front points my mother out. When the yeller spots her, her anger goes to the next level.
“Who is that, ma?” I ask her. She doesn’t respond. She just seems stunned to see her.
“I warned my nephew to stay away from you.” The woman rants as she slowly approaches. If she comes over here, I don’t have anything to defend myself. To defend us.
“I tried to tell him you would be the death of him but he wouldn’t listen.” She points at his body in the casket. Why is she doing this now? Even if you hate her, couldn’t this wait?
“Now look at him!” She continues. “Not even forty, yet he’s dead!”
Kreshon walks up behind her and catches a slash to his new suit for his efforts. “Ms. Karen, please don’t do this here.” He asks, keeping his distance. He places his hands up. “This day is for Jace. You wrong for this shit.”
She faces him and I’m not sure if she’ll try to stab him or not. “What do you mean this day is for him? Every day of his life should’ve been for him! But fucking with this whore stole that.”
I heard enough. I’m on my way to put her in her place, when a man flanked with four other men walk through the door. He’s dressed in all black and the way he looks at my mother, tells me he doesn’t feel any better about her. Now what?
HARMONY
FREAK ACCIDENT
I’m riding the hell out of a man who looks familiar even though I can’t remember where I know him. I have a bottle of vodka in my hands and I pour it over my nipples. He licks the liquid off my stomach and rises up to suckle my breasts. We been having hot nasty sex all day! I feel shivers. Everywhere…but especially my pussy. I can feel him about to shoot when I stir my hips like a spoon in melted chocolate. I want more. I need to feel close to someone even if it’s a stranger. I just saw Jace get buried and my mind is heavy. I’m such a fucking failure unless I’m in the bedroom. That’s the only time I shine.
I still can’t believe Jace’s aunt was about to kill me at the funeral. That hating ass fat bitch never liked me! Had it not been for Rick, Jace’s father, who came in last when she was about to cut me, I would’ve gotten stabbed up again. Bitches loved poking holes in me. After we left, Jayden was too busy wondering why Jace didn’t tell her about them. Who cares? She kept promising to find out why when I wanted her to leave the shit alone.
He looks up at me and I say, “Tell me you love me.”
He grins. He likes games I can tell. “I love you, Charlotte.”
My eyebro
ws rise. He calls me by the wrong name but I don’t care. All this shit is fake anyway. I get up and stand over top of him on the bed. It moves a little but I keep my balance.
“Do it.” He begs. I inch up over his face and piss all over his chin and chest. He’s in awe. He jerks his dick so hard it looks like he’s pulling up weeds in a garden. Before he rips it off and wastes my time, I jump back on it and buck wildly. Shit is all good until he throws me off of him and my head hits the TV stand on the left side of the bed. I’m about to curse him out until I turn around and look at the door. We are no longer alone.
A brown skin woman stands in the doorway. She’s chunky but has a very pretty face. “Not again, Dalvin.” She’s real calm and walks out of the door. And then I remember, Dalvin lives a few houses down from me. He’s my next-door neighbor. The one who grabs my ass every time I walk by him on the block. But who was she? I never saw her before.
I stand up and say, “Who was that? Your sister?”
He’s frozen and doesn’t answer my question. “You gotta go.” He gets louder. “Now!”
“Fine with me, but are we gonna finish the bottle?”
“If you don’t get the fuck out of here, you might not be able to make it out alive.”
I heard that before. “Why?” I ask, putting on my panties. I grab the bottle because he won’t be drinking this now.
“Because that was my wife. We were separated but now we’re back together.” I can’t tell.
If that was his wife it didn’t look like he had any problems. She seemed easy does it. The moment I think that, I hear an engine revving up outside of the window. When I look out of it, there is a pickup truck coming full speed ahead in our direction. I don’t get a chance to warn Dalvin until it’s too late. The truck comes barreling into the bedroom knocking the wall down and pushing the mattress into the next room. She ran into the fucking house! This bitch is crazy. She backs out.