Art of Forgiveness

by Monique Orgeron

  “Not until you calm down, brother.” Zander lowers his voice and tells me, “Look at Avery. Stop it.”

  I look up and see Avery’s worried face. I never want to see her like that, so I stop and listen to Zander.

  “I’m good, man, let me up.”

  Zander lets me up, then I look Avery in the eyes and tell her, “I’m sorry.”

  I tell Vin to let Phil go, then extend my hand to shake his. He accepts and then pulls me into a hug.

  Phil whispers in my ear, “Stay out of my way.”

  He releases his hold and walks the rest of the way with his arm around Avery. Marcy tells me, “Call me a cab. I want to go home now.”

  Zander offers to bring her home, but she tells him no. She said she was done with me and all of us. We wait for her cab, and then Zander takes my keys to drive me home, while Vin drives Phil’s car with them in it.

  Once alone, Zander jumps my shit. “What the hell were you thinking following her? What did you think was going to happen?”

  I don’t answer because I simply don’t have an answer.

  “Say something, Liam.”

  “What the fuck you want me to say? You want me to tell you I love her? Fine, I love her! I can’t stop loving her. Is that going to make everything better? No, it won’t. So, tell me, what do you want me to say?”

  “I want you to tell me why? Are you embarrassed by us, of what we do? Come on, Liam, Avery’s not that stupid. You really think she has no idea what we do?”

  “I don’t know what she knows, and no, I’m not embarrassed. All I know is, she deserves better than me, and fuck, even if I wanted her as my wife, she wouldn’t have me. I made sure of that a long time ago.”

  “You are a fucking coward, Liam. If that’s how you feel, then leave her the fuck alone and let Phil have her. At least he goes after what he wants. I saw him go straight for you after you were watching his girl.”

  “His girl?”

  “Yeah, that’s right, his girl.”

  I clam up after that, and we ride the rest of the way home in silence.

  When we get home, I see that Vin beat us here. I walk in and go to my bedroom. I don’t see any sign of Avery or Phil. I pace my bedroom floor, thinking about what Zander said. I know he’s right, but he doesn’t understand how hard it is. He’s never been in love. So, how can he know shit about any of it?

  I leave my room, slamming my door. I walk straight into Avery’s bedroom. She was undressing, so I catch her in nothing more than her bra and panties. I shut the door, and without a word I walk straight to her and pick her up. I start kissing her passionately and walk us to the bed. She kisses me back as I lay us on the bed with her underneath me. I hear her moan and start kissing down her neck and chest.

  “Avery, I need you, baby.” I continue to kiss her body and say, “You belong to me, not him. I don’t want you letting him touch you. I don’t want him kissing you. Do you hear me, Avery? Send him home.”

  The moans stop, and she stops altogether. Then she says, “Liam, get off me. You need to stop, we can’t do this. I’m not sending Phil away, Liam. I’m not.”

  I look up at her. “What do you mean you’re not? You’re mine, Avery, and the sooner you tell him that, the better. I can’t keep doing this shit.”

  She moves away from me. “What shit, Liam? You mean watching me with someone else like I watched you with Marcy all those times? Is that the shit you’re talking about? Or the shit about how you didn’t want me until someone else showed they did? Oh, and by the way, how dare you bring Marcy around me again?”

  “Avery, it’s not like that. I didn’t bring her around; she just showed up.”

  “But you kept her with us, didn’t you? Instead of sending her away, you kept her around me. Why did you do that?”

  “Baby, listen.”

  “No, Liam, you always have excuses. That’s one of the things I love about Phil. He never gives me excuses. He’s a fresh new beginning. He’s not ashamed of me, and he doesn’t try to hide me. He wants me, Liam, and I am going to try with him. I need you to go.”

  I’m staring at her. She’s going to try with him, and I need to leave. Fuck that. I pull her to me and start devouring her mouth. She needs to feel how much I need her, she has to stay with me. I lay back over her and continue my torture with my mouth. I force her to open her legs then I slide my hand down under her panties. I can feel Avery’s tears on my face as I’m kissing her.

  “Liam, no, stop. Liam!”

  I hear her, I do, but I need to make her feel how much I need her. I might not be able to tell her, but if I can show her, maybe she’ll stay with me. Please, Avery, stay with me. I tune her out and keep on repeating in my head, Stay with me. I enter her, and she pushes against me, crying, then I hear her yell out, “NO! I said no, Liam!”

  I look down and see what I’ve done to the woman I love. She’s crying and fighting me. I freeze and then shatter. I jump out of the bed and back into the wall. My tears fall hard now.

  “Oh my God, Avery, what did I do? I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

  I walk back to her and fall to my knees on the side of the bed as the realization hits me. I forced her, I tried to force her to stay with me, to love me again.

  “I didn’t mean to, Avery. Please forgive me. I would never hurt you like that. Please.”

  I feel the bed move, and then Avery’s hand is on my head. She’s crying and rubbing my hair, comforting me. I hug her legs, crying like a baby.

  “Liam, it’s all right. You didn’t hurt me, we just got carried away. It’s all going to be all right.”

  It’s not, though, it won’t ever be. I’m losing her, and now I’ve hurt her. I never meant to do that. I would rather hurt myself than ever hurt her.

  “Liam, I don’t understand what you want. I thought we were over our past and you were helping me get over the rape. I thought you were just helping me feel more confident sexually. This was never meant to be anything more.”

  “I told you, I love you, Avery. Don’t you understand?”

  “Liam, you don’t want me. You just want what we used to have. Tell me that’s not true, Liam. You don’t really want me in your life. You just want to have me. That’s not going to work anymore, Liam. It never did. I was young then, I allowed it, even though it killed me every day. I’m not that girl anymore. I can’t let you hurt me like that again.”

  She grabs my face and lifts it up to meet her eyes. “What just happened, Liam, did not hurt me. I will always want you, but what happened between us years ago destroyed me. You hurt me more then, but Liam, no matter how I feel about you, I’ve come a long way and will not let you or anyone else hurt me again.”

  “Avery, I’m so proud of you, I need you to understand something. I have always loved and wanted you in my life, but if I love you I have no choice but to let you go, which will hurt both of us. But if I love you and keep you, it will hurt you, and in turn hurt me. It’s a no-win situation.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I stand and kiss her one last time, then turn and to walk out the door. “Liam, what do you mean?” I continue and leave.

  50

  Avery

  I don’t know what he meant. Why does he think keeping me would hurt me? I cry all night. I love him, I do, but for some reason he won’t let me in. Phil will, and now I know without a shadow of a doubt, Liam is my past. No matter what happens between me and Phil, whether we get together or not, Liam is not an option.

  The next few days, I don’t see much of Liam. He leaves early and gets home extremely late. Phil and I, however, spend our time with me showing him the city I love. I take him to all the sites and introduce him to our local cuisine. Cajun or creole cooking, whatever you want to call it, is some of the best eating you’ll ever have. Phil sure is enjoying it. The boy hasn’t stopped eating once. I even take him fishing behind my mother’s house. He seems to love it all.

  Today, we’re going swimming. Zander meets us, and we are having a blast.
Fallon and Catherine even join us outside. Fallon refuses to wear a swimsuit, but she and Catherine watch us from the Veranda. Life is so good that I take a second to thank God I’m alive to experience all the joy I’m having.

  While sunbathing, I think about Catherine and how she told me I needed to learn to forgive, but not forget. She’s right, I’m slowly learning to forgive myself for all the years I allowed myself to be verbally abused. I’m not forgetting about it. But I learned it made me stronger in ways. Because today I would never let anyone treat me like that. I even start to forgive myself for giving up on life. All I knew back then was verbal abuse and then the pain of being raped and tortured. I gave up wanting to live. But it was my coping mechanism. It was the only way I saw out of the situation, was to beg to die.

  Again, I’m slowly learning that forgiveness gives me life, it gives me reassurances that I can do anything. Now I need to learn to forgive Liam, not for what happened the other night, but for years ago. There’s no reason to forgive him for the other night because I wanted him just as bad as he wanted me. The only reason I stopped it was because I could feel the ownership. He just wanted to own and possess me so Phil wouldn’t. I couldn’t let that happen. But still, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. Maybe if I forgive him for the other stuff, it will help me to get past it. That one is going to take a little longer.

  My thoughts are interrupted when I hear Zander yell out for Liam. I quickly look over and see him standing by his mother and Fallon. He’s wearing his business suit and looks lost. He looks my way and then heads inside, ignoring Zander’s call. But Zander’s not having it. He gets out of the pool and runs inside, bypassing Catherine and Fallon on his way to his brother.

  Liam

  I watch for a little while before making my appearance known. Avery is having so much fun with Phil. I hate it, I hate every smile he brings to her face. I watch as she gets out the pool now and lies back. Then I notice the bastard watching her sunbathe.

  My mom spots me and calls me outside. I open the door and talk with them a few minutes. They ask about my day and if I’m staying. I couldn’t work anymore today, I can’t concentrate on my work, so Gabriel told me to leave. I came home thinking Avery and Phil wouldn’t be here. I thought wrong. I lie and tell Mom there isn’t much to do. I tell her I’m not sure what I would be doing later. I even mention I might have a date for the night. She does not look happy about that. I don’t know why, though. She has no clue about Avery and me, so I don’t see why she would care.

  Zander yells out toward me, and I see Avery finally take notice that I’m here. Without wanting to interrupt her day, I ignore Zander and retreat back into the house.

  Once inside, I fix a drink, and then Zander enters. “Hey man, you want a drink? I was just fixing one?”

  Zander gives me a baffled look. “No, I don’t want a drink. I want to know where you’ve been?”

  “At work, Zander. You might have all the free time in the world, but Gabriel and I work every day.”

  “Bullshit, Liam. I’ve been to work. You haven’t been there the whole time. Gabriel says you’ve been flaking on the job. He says you show up but don’t work, so you leave. Where have you been going?”

  He’s right, I have been missing a lot of work. I’ve been going to my house and drowning myself in booze. Before I have to come home to Avery and Phil.

  “That’s none of your business, Zander. I’m here now, what do you want?”

  “Nothing, man. I just wanted to make sure you were all right. I see you’ve given up on Avery and gave her to Phil.”

  I chuckle. “Oh yeah, I gave her to Phil. I don’t own her, Zander. I didn’t give her away to anyone.”

  “Really, Liam? You’re full of shit if you think that. That woman out there could and would have been yours if you admitted everything to her. But you didn’t, so the way I look at it, you gave her to him. On a silver fucking platter. But Liam, I agree with you. You did do what was best for her. Phil is a standup guy. I like him, and he treats Avery very good. Constantly loving on her. They were made for each other. He will make a fine husband for Avery and a good father for all those babies they will pop out.”

  I punch my brother as hard as I can. Then I punch him again. Zander’s a big man. He stumbles but doesn’t fall. But I don’t care; I keep on hitting him.

  “Stop right now! Liam, enough!” Mom shouts, getting my attention.

  I look back at my brother. He provoked me to hit him, but he never hit me back. Why would he do that?

  “Liam, follow me now!”

  I hesitate to look at Zander rubbing the side of his face. I’m trying to figure out why he wanted me to hit him. Then it hits me harder than I hit him. He wanted Mom to see me like this. That son-of-a-bitch. He smiles at me as Mom yells again.

  “Liam, now boy! Don’t make me say it again. Get your ass in my office!”

  51

  Catherine

  Life has been crazy lately. I have my first grandchild, ready to come any day. I have Theo demanding that I finally tell my sons about us. Then I have the business that’s constantly growing, and the opening of the restaurant took a lot of my attention. And on top of everything, I’m dealing with Avery. I was so scared to get involved with her, but I’m so glad I did. In a lot of ways, it was helpful not only to her, but to me, too. Helping her realize she could live through all she had happen to her was eye-opening. It made me realize how happy and full my life is. It makes me so proud of her and myself for living through what most people can never imagine. I love Avery, I really do, and nothing will ever get in the way of that. I will always treasure that girl. She helped me as much as I helped her. Liam, that’s a different story. He is my main problem now. I have been secretly trying to get him to get his head out of his ass.

  Once I found out Liam was in love with Avery, and then I heard of what happened between the two of them. I knew I had to help them get together. Life is not worth living without the person you love.

  I talked to Margaret weeks ago, and we agreed they needed to be together. She said she knew something was going on when they were younger. She had seen him at the house at night sometimes and wanted Avery to be happy. She said she never told Adam because she didn’t want him ruining it for her. So, she stayed quiet. She also said she knew when it was finished. Avery never confided in her, but you can tell when your child is suffering from a broken heart. She asked me to forgive her, she said for years she hated Liam for hurting her daughter and would include me in that. I understood that. I told Margaret I had no issue with it. She went on to say she saw the night of Adam’s death, how much Liam still loved Avery.

  We from then on have been thinking of things we could do to bring them closer. When Avery told us Phil was coming, I knew with him coming, Liam might see her with someone else and realize how much he actually loves her.

  But now instead of loving her, he’s doing the exact opposite and letting Phil take her. Then he is drowning himself in pity. I was going to let it go on for as long as it took for him to wake up. But now he’s taking his anger out on his brother. I see him punching Zander, and poor Zander is standing there taking it, instead of fighting back. Well, that’s it. I guess no more waiting. I’ll have to take a more direct approach.

  “Liam, now boy! Don’t make me say it again. Get your ass in my office!”

  I walk off knowing he will follow; he dare not defy me. Once he enters my office, he slams my door. I look at him, and he bows his head and sits down.

  “Why were you hitting Zander?”

  “Mom, leave it alone.”

  “No, Liam, I’m not leaving it alone anymore. So, tell me why you were hitting your brother?”

  “He was provoking me, that’s all. He pretty much asked me to hit him.”

  “And Liam, why would he do that?”

  “Oh, I know why he did it. It was so you could call me into your office and scold me like a little child. Which I’m not anymore. So, Mother, if that’s all, I have
shit to do.”

  He goes to stand up, but that’s not happening.

  “Sit down, Liam. How dare you try that fucking shit with me? Who do you think I am? The only reason I’m taking your shit is because you’re my son. But Liam, if you weren’t, this would be a whole different conversation. So, sit down.”

  He looks at me and decides not to push the issue any further.

  “Listen to me, boy. I know you’re hiding shit from me. And I know what it is.”

  “Mom, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Tough, we are. I’ve had enough of tiptoeing around the situation.”

  He raises his voice at me. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Since when don’t I know what I’m talking about, Liam? You already admitted to me that you love Avery. That’s why I helped her. I know, Liam, that you killed those men, my angel.”

  I walk over to him and lay his head against me. My hand rubs through his hair.

  “Liam, I hated finding out that you did that. But I’m proud of you for doing it. You became the man she needed that night. You took vengeance out for the woman you love. When I found you watching her and sleeping in that chair every night, I realized you were protecting your woman. So why, Liam, are you so determined to give her away now?”

  I move back across my desk. “Avery told me how you broke her heart. She said you slept with Marcy. She also told me you started distancing yourself from her right before graduation. Did you want to marry her, Liam?”

  “Yes, I did. I was planning on asking her before I left for college.”

  “So, what happened? And Liam, don’t lie to me.”

  “Mom, like I said, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Okay, so let me guess. You broke her heart after I told you about our family business and your place in this family. Am I right?”

  He looks up at me, and I can see I’m right.

  “You want to know, Mom? Then yes, I couldn’t bring her into this life.”