by Robin Roseau
I huffed into the gag. Of course the Empire would be angry. They would move heaven and earth to rescue me. We didn't allow local uprisings to kidnap imperial envoys.
They had doomed their planet. I wouldn't be able to protect them. Couldn't they see that? They had doomed their planet!
I began to shake in renewed energy.
They had doomed their planet so they could give me in some sort of sick, twisted trade to their chieftain.
"Calm down, Cecilia," Sartine said. "We will discuss this further. Baardorid will explain to your people that you have moved to Indartha to do your duties there. They will do their duties in Sudden, or maybe in other towns, and you will do yours in Indartha. You will send letters. We have paper."
I shook my head. She didn't understand, and she wasn't going to. I worked my jaw, preparing to spit out the gag, but she quickly wrapped a hand over my mouth. I was surprised she anticipated me.
"You promised," she reminded me. "Perhaps we will talk about that, and our trip." So I nodded, and she removed her hand. "It is a long trip, more than a thousand kilometers. We are able to travel quickly at first, but then it takes longer, and we will not arrive in your new home for three weeks."
I sobbed at the thought, I sobbed in despair.
"It is not so bad, Cecilia," she said. "It is cold, but you told me you weren't afraid of the cold. I wouldn't have picked you if you said you were from somewhere hot, but you said you weren't afraid of the cold."
That was when, for the first time, I realized she'd been sizing me up the entire time. I screamed into the gag. She had deliberately deceived me. She told me her brother and sister were looking to see who they wanted, but the entire time, she had already decided to take me.
"Please, Cecilia," she said. "Do not pretend you didn't know. You had to know. It is a game. We pretend to consider others; you pretend to not know we had already picked you. Everyone knew. Everyone knew the moment I accepted Baardorid's restrictions."
I closed my eyes.
I know from my story that it was obvious what was to happen. Of course it was obvious, but my story is only a portion of the story. I did not talk about all the other meetings I had attended during my stay in Sudden, all the boring meetings I didn't understand, or the boring meetings I did understand. The meetings that meant nothing to me, but I listened anyway, hoping for a glimmer of something to help these people.
I didn't talk about the other things I had done, or how I spent the day after the party. I didn't talk about these things, because they weren't critical to the story.
And so while what happened may have been obvious from the telling, that is because the telling was not in the disguise of everything else that had happened.
I had believed her when she said she only wished to get to know me. I had believed her when she said her brother and sister were considering other choices. And it never, ever would have occurred to me they would take an imperial envoy in this fashion.
Never.
I stilled. There was no way to explain all that. Let Sartine believe what she wanted.
"Better?" I shook my head. She tightened her arms around me, hugging me. "I promise it will all be okay, Cecilia."
She was treating me like a girlfriend, which I didn't understand. She was taking me to give to her chieftain, but she was treating me like I was to be hers.
"It is a long journey, and you could not possible remain tied like this the entire time. If nothing else, we must feed you. But we must keep you like this until we are free of Sudden, and Sudden has a long reach. I am sorry, but your arms must remain tied like this for a day or so, and your legs when we stop to rest. But we will remove the gag to feed you, if you promise to be still. And then once we are free from Sudden, we are allowed to make you more comfortable. Do you understand?"
I nodded.
She spoke for a while, telling me what else to expect, but eventually it became too much work to listen, and I stopped trying to understand; I stopped responding. And so eventually she grew still. But a few minutes later, she pulled the horse to a stop. Around us, the others stopped as well.
The aunt spoke sharply, but Sartine replied more gently, and they all moved away, giving us the illusion of privacy.
To another's eyes, they would appear to disappear into the dark, but I could see all of them clearly. I had no intention of letting any of them know I could see in the dark.
Sartine reached up to my chin, turning my head to look over my shoulder. The hood interfered, and my arms, but I twisted as much as I could. From one eye, I could just see her face.
"You stopped listening. Is it difficult to listen?" I nodded. "I have one more thing you need to understand, Cecilia Grace. Are you listening?" I nodded.
"You said I couldn't give you to my brother, and I will not. I said you were for the Indartha Vendart. You then said when he touches you, it would be by force."
I nodded again.
"No man is going to touch you, Cecilia," she said. "Our vendart is a woman. I would not take you to give you to a man. That would be cruel."
I tried to turn away, but she pulled me back towards her. "Cecilia, I am the vendart."
As soon as she said it, I wondered if that should have been obvious, but I thought about what Chaladine had said. Baardorid wanted Sartine for the galatzi; would he have asked for the vendart? Perhaps they didn't even know, and if not, I should not feel guilty.
I turned away from her, and this time she let me, but she continued to speak. "I did not take you for anyone else. I took you for myself. The promises I give you, I give you as your new partner, but also as your vendart. Does this change your anger?"
No. I didn't bother answering, and then I stopped listening.
* * * *
At our next stop, she let me walk around a little. I saw people drinking water, and I nudged her and pointed with my nose.
"You are thirsty?"
I nodded.
She considered me then turned me to face her fully. She studied my face in the gloom for a moment. "You have not spit out your gag. You promised you wouldn't, and you have not, although it was perhaps close once or twice." I nodded, and she continued. "Will you keep your promises to me?"
I nodded again. I would keep them just until the moment I saw a real opportunity to escape.
"If I release your gag so you may drink, there are rules," she said. "You will promise to follow them, or I will not release your gag and continue to hold you to your previous promise. Do you understand?" I nodded. "You will make no sounds, not one single sound. I know you want to argue with me. You want to scream at me. You will wait. Not one single word, not one single sound. Do you understand and agree?"
I thought about it before answering. I nodded.
"When we are done, the gag goes back in, and you promise to leave it in. Do you promise?" I nodded.
"Cecilia, please do not break my trust. It will not do you any good, but it will mean I cannot trust you."
I would have laughed. She was talking about trust. I didn't say anything. I only stared at her.
So she reached up, set her hands on the knot at the back of my head, underneath the hood, and reminded me, "You promised." And then she untied the knot, pulling the rag from my lips, then removed the rags from my mouth. They were wet and, I was sure, gross, but she said nothing.
I worked my jaw, but true to my word, I said nothing. She called out for water, and it was her brother who handed her a flask. Sartine held it for me, and I drank. "Not too much," she cautioned me, and so when she pulled it away and asked, "Enough?" I nodded.
Sartine handed the flask back to her brother, her eyes never leaving mine. "You don't know what it does to me to see you like this, Cecilia." I didn't think she could see much. She brushed a hand along my nearest arm. "This..." She smiled. "I took you in a raid, and now you are mine."
I opened my mouth and was about to tell her what I thought about that, but she quickly pressed fingers against my lips. "Please do not break your promis
e."
I stood there with my mouth open, her fingers pressed in place, and then slowly I closed my lips together. "Safe now?" she asked, and I nodded before she removed her fingers.
"Perhaps you do not understand. Or perhaps you do. Perhaps you are the sort of woman who would engage in a raid, and not the sort to be taken in one. But you let me control our kisses. And now..." She smiled. I glared.
"I suppose this topic does not help you retain your promise?" I shook my head. "More water?" I shook my head. "Other needs?" Also no. "Are you hands all right?"
I opened my mouth to respond, but her fingers were in place again.
"You forget so quickly," she said. She didn't move her fingers, but she asked again, "Are your hands all right?"
I couldn't answer. I didn't know.
"Stand still," she ordered. "Remember your promise." She lowered her hands and stepped behind me. "Nod when you feel my touch." There was a pause, and then light pressure against one small finger, and I nodded. She tested each finger, then she placed her hand in one of mine. "Squeeze." So I did. "Any pain?" No.
"Good," she said. She stepped around in front of me. She held out a hand, and someone pressed the soggy gag back into it. She didn't even grimace; I would have. "Open," she ordered. I looked at the mass in her hands and then, slowly, I opened.
* * * *
We traveled through the night. I may have dozed; I wasn't sure.
Talmon was a beautiful planet, but I was far too angry and upset to enjoy the beauty.
By dawn, I also hurt. My backside and legs both hurt from sitting atop the horse. My arms hurt from maintaining a single, far from comfortable position for so many hours. My eyes hurt from crying. My head hurt from, well, pretty much everything.
I had long stopped responding to Sartine in any fashion, even when she ordered me to do something. I simply stared straight ahead. Most of the time I let the words roll over me, expending no effort to understand them. During breaks, I docilely went where she pushed, and when she told me to slide down from the horse, I did, but when led back to it, I stood there, staring straight ahead.
For that, she bent over and lifted my chin towards her. "I know you are listening, Cecilia," she said very, very carefully. "Do you want to learn how we will carry you if you do not sit in front of me? If not, then get back up here. Now."
We stared into each others eyes for several heartbeats, a brief test of wills. But, at least for now, she held all the power. It wouldn't remain that way, but for now, I was helpless in her care.
Her care up until now had been amazingly tender, but I was sure that could change if I gave her sufficient cause.
I did what I could to climb back atop the horse.
She offered food at the next stop. I ignored her. She offered water, which I also ignored. She asked about other needs.
Those needs were beginning to make themselves known, but they weren't pressing, and I didn't even want to think about how they would be satisfied when I could wait no longer. I didn't think she would be freeing my hands.
And so I ignored that, too.
But then I wondered what she would do if I relaxed those needs while atop her horse. I didn't imagine the results, if done carefully, would be pleasant for either of us. For a while, I wondered if it was worth the shame to wet myself if it was done as an act of defiance.
If I stood in the saddle, perhaps it would run down her legs and not only my own.
In the end, I decided to hold that particular defiant act in reserve.
We came to a stop mid-morning. I was lowered from the saddle then stood there, not moving.
We were deep in a forest, following some sort of path. I couldn't see more than perhaps a hundred meters in any particular direction, and far less than that in most. But I pretended to pay no attention when some of the travelers began to tend for the horses. Others began setting out pads, and I realized this break was different.
Sartine stepped back to me, standing in front of me. She had taken to holding my cheek when she particularly wanted my attention. She turned my eyes towards hers. I tried looking past her, over her shoulder, but she waited until my eyes were settled on hers.
"We are staying here for several hours," she said. "Do you understand?"
I looked at her blankly. She waited for a response, then released my face and turned away, offering me a stiff back. I turned away, giving her my own back, and pretended not to watch the horses being fed. We both stood there for a minute or two before I felt her hands on me. When she turned me to face her again, I let her, but again, I looked over her shoulder.
"I know you understand," she said carefully. "I do not tell you what is happening because I need your permission, or even your cooperation. I tell you because knowing is better than guessing. Perhaps you would choose to remain ignorant."
Then we stood there. She said nothing further but simply waited to see what I would do. I thought about what she said and realized she was right.
There were things I wanted. First and foremost, I wanted to scream my lungs out at her. After that, I wanted her to turn us around, take me home, and then kiss my feet while begging my forgiveness.
But third on the list, and not that distant a third, I wanted to know what was going to happen. And so, slowly, I couldn't help it. I lowered my eyes from their gaze over her shoulder to her eyes. And then, admitting she had won another round with me, I nodded.
"Good," she said. She didn't smile, but she did caress my cheek. "I choose to believe you are done pretending to ignore me, at least when I tell you what is happening or check on your health. Are we agreed?"
And again, I nodded, just once.
"Do you want to know what is happening?" And I nodded. "And do you want to know later what is going to happen?" Of course, I nodded. "And after that, and after that," and I nodded. "Then I will tell you, but there is one small price. If you ignore me at other times, that is your choice. But when I pull your eyes to mine, you will stop fighting, and when I ask you a direct question, you will answer. Do you agree?"
I shook my head. That was far too open-ended.
She stomped her foot. She actually stomped her foot. "Why not?"
I mumbled into the gag. How was I supposed to answer that?
"Oh, sorry," she said. She had forgotten I was gagged? "Are you going to keep fighting me every time I try to draw your attention?" I thought before shaking my head. "When I ask if you have needs, or if your hands are okay, will you answer?" I nodded. "When I ask if you understand, you will answer?" Again, I nodded. Then I watched her think. Her lips actually moved, which I found funny.
"I don't understand why you agreed now, but you didn't agree before," she said. "No matter. Do we have an agreement now?" And I nodded.
"Thank you," she said, and she caressed my cheek again. I had already realized she enjoyed doing that, but I would learn over time, she offered it as a small reward for doing what she wanted.
I would eventually learn she had other rewards to offer as well, but that is getting well ahead of the story.
"The horses need a rest. We are driving them hard for you. Do you understand why?"
I wriggled my elbows. She smiled. "Yes. We can't untie you yet. I am sorry. I know it's not comfortable. I let myself be tied this way before this trip, so I would know. I stayed this way for two full days before I could accept it no longer, and I am a very stubborn person. Mordain complained after the first hour, and after four, she was crying openly. Mordain is not one to cry readily." Sartine looked away, and her expression was saddened when she looked back. "I miss my sister already, but I know she will have a good life in Sudden, an easier life than Indartha."
Sartine took a breath, then offered a half smile. "You cried earlier. Was it because of your arms, or because of the situation?"
It was my turn to stomp a foot.
"Sorry. Was it your arms?" I shook my head. "But they hurt?" I nodded. "I'm sorry. Would your pills help?"
I nodded, and she immediately called
out, too rapidly to follow. It took only a few moments before the woman with my pack handed her the bottle of Ibuprofen. Again, it was her little brother with a flask of water.
"How many this time?" she asked. "You hurt more now than earlier. Four?" I shook my head. "Three?" And I nodded.
"Same rules on the gag," she said. "Do you promise?" And I nodded.
She released the gag and gave me the pills. I swallowed them, and then she recapped the bottle. She was about to give it back, but I stamped my foot. Then I looked around, finding the man whose shoulder I had dislocated. He was sitting, leaning against a tree, his arm in a sling. I walked away from Sartine, straight to him. Behind me, she followed.
From the ground, he looked up at me, then looked away. He didn't say anything. Sartine stepped up next to me. "You are offering more pills to Natopid?" I nodded. "How many?" I turned to her in frustration. "Four?" I nodded.
Sartine shook out the pills, showed me, then handed the bottle to the other woman. But I stomped my foot again. This would be so much easier if she gave me permission to speak.
The entire situation was entirely ridiculous.
"Don't go anywhere, Belain," Sartine said. Then she knelt down in front of Natopid, speaking quietly to him. She held out the pills, and then a flask.
He chewed them before swallowing. They had to taste terrible, but he did it anyway. I stomped my foot and shook my head. Sartine stood up and looked at me. "What now?"
Without opening my mouth, I made chewing motions and then shook my head.
"Don't chew?" and I nodded. "All right."
I turned away, looking for the last man I'd hurt. He was building a fire. I led the way to him, then looked over my shoulder at Sartine. She stepped up. "More pills for Geedano?"
I didn't answer. I didn't know if he needed any. He turned to look at us, then stood quickly and scrambled away from me.
I guess I'd put fear into him. That was good. Maybe he'd learn not to pick on supposedly defenseless women.
Sartine spoke to the man for a minute. Then she turned back to me. "Does he need pills?"
I stomped my foot. How should I know? I glared at her, and she looked at me with far more warmth. "You're beautiful when you're mad."